Miserable Happiness

He felt miserable again. His body ached in frustration at his thoughts and at the things he wanted but couldn't have. He also couldn't help but sigh every time he breathed.

Legolas laid his head sideways on his study table and stared blankly at the wall. Why today of all days? He went to bed last night fighting with himself about today and after much of his inner bickering, he stuck to the decision that this would be the day. His subconscious kept trying to persuade him to put it off for another day, even for a few more weeks, but the strong reasonable side of him told him not to. If he kept delaying this, it might be too late.

The prince shook his head at the voices of his subconscious. The back-and-forth conversation with himself was going nowhere fast. Legolas groaned at his predicament and headed out of his chambers. He ran into his father in the hallway and held up his hand toward him as he passed. "Not now, father, please."

The king barely made a sound. He was in the process of merely greeting his son a good morning, but was quickly shot down before he had the chance. "What in the Middle-earth has gotten into that elf now?" Thranduil asked himself aloud.

The prince had been acting unusually strange the last few days and the king couldn't make heads or tails of it. He was beginning to wonder if it had to do with the discussion they had. He knew Legolas was going to react to it in some way but not like this. But, the king also concluded that his son was still struggling with it as it was not an easy thing for him to do.

I I I

"I love you."

"What? What did you say?" Legolas's head quickly turned to the elf, donning a very concerned look on his face.

"I said I love food."

"Oh..."

Keldir gave him a strange look. "What has gotten into you this morning? You have been acting a bit off since we got here."

"Sorry, captain. I have a lot occupying my mind right now."

Keldir took another spoonful of lemba cake. "When do you not? Is it your father again?"

"Not so much." Legolas scooped some frosting with his fingers and licked it. "Simply other things."

"Well, whatever it is, it really must be something."

"What do you mean?"

"I am the only one eating Dalorien's cake. I normally have to fight with you to share even just the frosting. Plus, Dalorien rarely gives us free food without some sort of catch behind it. I would think you, most of all, would enjoy it."

Legolas found Keldir outside by the courtyard and asked if he wanted to do something in the woods when they ran into Dalorien. There was left over cake from a servant's birthday that she said they could have if they cleaned up after themselves. They never could resist free food, especially when it came from Dalorien, and that was how they ended up in the Western Kitchen.

"I have no appetite for cake right now, I suppose."

"It is your loss, my friend. More cake for me!" Keldir smiled widely to be funny.

Legolas let out a small chuckle at the frosting still showing on his friend's teeth. "Very disgusting."

"Thank you."

"Keldir, let me ask you a question," Legolas's tone turned more serious.

"Go ahead." The captain wiped his mouth clean and threw away the small remaining crumbs of cake in the garbage. Keldir sat back down with his full attention on the prince. "I am all ears."

"Let us say there was something you needed to do and eventually wanted to do, but...not sure if you should do it? At least, not just yet."

"You lost me at, 'Let us say...'" His friend looked at him questioningly. "What are you really trying to say, Legolas? You need not be so cryptic with your words all the time. Is it me, remember?"

Legolas sighed deeply. "Yes, I know. There is much on my mind."

"For example?"

"I have always trusted you, Keldir. Forgive me if I have not been so forth coming lately about the things that have been troubling me, but I need your help now."

"No need to apologize. I am just glad that you are finally letting me in."

Legolas took another breath before explaining to Keldir his dilemma and how a part of him still wanted to back out and forget the whole thing all together. However, he knew he couldn't be a coward at a time like this. What would his people think of him? It was already too late for he made it clear that this was going to take place. When? That was the question.

Keldir crossed his arms in front of his chest and started rubbing his chin. He was silent for a long while, shaking his head. It was driving Legolas crazy. "It is really not that hard," Keldir finally said.

"What?" The elf-prince was shocked at his response.

"You are making it more complicated than it really is." The captain placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "The reason why you are having such a difficult time with this is because you are not ready to make this decision, although you keep convincing yourself that you are. And, until you really are ready to face this, you will keep driving yourself mad over it." Legolas slumped in his seat with a glum expression on his face. Keldir could tell he was losing sleep over his situation. "Look, Legolas, my advice to you is to stop thinking about what others want—duty and all—and really focus on what you want. Because when it comes down to it, it is still your life."

"Yes, that is the point I have been trying to make for a very long time now. Yet, I ask myself, can I truly afford to be selfish?" Legolas furrowed his brows at his own question.

Keldir shrugged. "I suppose it depends on your take of what selfish is, my prince. I am afraid I cannot be any more of help for I cannot make this decision for you as it affects you, not me."

"You have been more helpful that you think...thank you." The captain winked and finally left to go check on his guards and get news of their patrol. The prince now had new things to ponder over.

I I I

He didn't want to entrap Reylien in his misery so he skipped out on visiting her today. The past week he had stopped telling her that he would visit the following day like he usually did whenever they part ways.

Lately, he just showed up unannounced and asked if she was free to spend the day doing something outside with him. Legolas was sure she would understand if he didn't show up at her doorstep today. Legolas would make up some story of how he was busy doing 'princely' things so Reylien didn't think he was avoiding her—which he wasn't doing...at least not entirely.

There were some parts of their underground kingdom where many of the nobles liked to congregate amongst themselves and those places Legolas especially tried to evade. He wanted to keep a low profile and took the more dimly lit paths that led outside, compared to the main walkways that many elves took. If anyone was looking for him, they knew to look for him in the forest. He was careful to avoid in the areas where many often saw him.

Mirkwood was a vast forest and not many elves ventured too far within its woods, especially Southern Mirkwood. Legolas had to also be careful that he didn't step out of their protected boundaries in case there were the giant spiders lurking around, or worst, the Orcs. All he had with him was one elven-blade. It would be more convenient if he had his bow and arrow for long distant attacks but he hadn't fixed the bowstring that Reylien accidentally broke during her first archery lesson. Plus, today, he was out here to think and not clear his mind by shooting targets.

And old oak tree full of twisted branches and leaves look to be a good hiding and thinking spot. Legolas climbed it with ease and sat himself one of the higher branches to get a good view of the surrounding area. He took out his elven-blade and struck it against the bark. He would only pull it out if he saw a supposed threat nearby. But for now, he could sit comfortably without it pressing against him as he leaned his back against the tree.

Legolas looked up at the sky through the small clearing the leaves opened and found himself at peace. The sky was calm with a few clouds covering it like a thin blanket. He suddenly wished he was like the sky, free from worries and troubles of a storm interrupting its tranquil stance. And like the clouds, free to come and go as they please, answering to no one but their own desires. The prince's mind, now finally relaxed, slowly gave way to a waking dream.

I I I

"I have missed you."

"As have I." He took her hand and placed on his cheek. Her soft hand made him sigh. "I have missed your touch."

She cupped his face and examined him. "You have changed, Legolas. You have lost that radiant glow you used to carry about you—the glow that I used to love to see."

"You took it with you when you left," he frowned and averted his eyes away, the ache in his heart still there.

"It was never mine to keep." She gently brought his face back to hers. She caressed his cheek with the back of her hand and smiled at him with her eyes. "Smile, Legolas...for me."

"Only if you stay," his voice said pleading like a small elf-child.

She smiled again but this time, with her features. "I cannot. I do not need to stay for you to be happy. You alone possess that, my love. Do not forget me...keep me in your heart."

"Wait...no, not yet! Please..." He reached out for her but he couldn't move his legs; he was only able to outstretch his arm. Not once did she turn around before she disappeared. When he finally had control over the rest of his limbs, she was gone. "Le'ariel!" he screamed. The sound of his voice woke him and startled the birds perching in nearby trees, causing them fly away to a safer place.

His heart is pounded furiously in his chest. He had to place his hands straight down on the branch to keep his balance or otherwise, he would fall off. The dream hit him hard. The pain that slowly subsided throbbed harder in his veins than it ever did before. Legolas felt like his heart was being squeezed so tightly that it stopped beating for a brief second. Still and silent the forest remained as he tried to fight back so many emotions. The day was becoming harder and harder to live through.

Keldir's words ran through his mind again. Legolas felt feeble and frail, so opposite from the strong warrior everyone knew him to be. The kind of elf he knew himself to be. It still amazed him how one female elf could render him so...helpless. And, most of all, looking pathetic. The prince had encountered many enemies in his lifetime and won many battles along the way, but this particular battle he was dealing with he wasn't sure if he could conquer. At least not alone.

Legolas wondered how long he was asleep for as the sky began to darken. He removed the elven-blade from the bark and placed it back in its holster and climbed down. He clenched his jaw and stared into the distance. There was only one other place to go now before he headed back to their Underground Kingdom.

I I I

"Of course, sire, would you like to come in?"

"No, thank you. I would prefer to wait here." The servant nodded and closed the door. Legolas started pacing outside, tracing the stone tiles with his steps.

"Legolas?" He heard his name and looked up. "What are you doing out here? Please come in."

"Will you take a quick walk with me? We will not go far," he said, ignoring her question.

"Yes, of course." She closed the door behind her and followed him. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. "I did not think I was going to see you today."

"My apologies, I had...things to attend to." At least it wasn't a total lie, he thought.

"Completely understandable," she smiled assuring. He stopped walking and turned to face her. She looked at him nervously as he stared at her with a look of curiosity on his face. "Are you all right, my prince?" Legolas took her hands without saying a word. Reylien's heart exploded out of her chest at the sudden gesture. "Legolas...?" she whispered, searching his eyes for answers. This was unlike the prince and she began to get concerned.

"You and I have been spending a lot of time together, Reylien, and you are none like I have ever seen in an elf-maiden. You are not corrupted by wealth like the others and you do not seek power or my crown. You are also gentle and kind and our kin adores you." His words made her blush furiously. "I adore you..."

"Legolas...I—"

"No, please, let me finish…" he stopped her. "I have gone through this over and over again in my mind and I cannot find a better elf-maiden than you to sit at my side. Yes, you have a shy nature about you, but I also see a strong will in you to persevere. You also put others before you—a quality a good queen needs to have in order for her people to trust her."

"Legolas…" Reylien's voice came out as a sharp whisper of surprise.

"Lady Reylien Atwood, would you do me the honor of being my queen?"

Reylien couldn't speak as the shock of his question cut off her vocal cords. Legolas's words were strong and confident in her ears. Was her dream finally coming true? She hoped Legolas would ask her this question someday, just not this soon. She thought it would at least be another decade. Legolas still held her hands and stared at her blushing face, waiting for an answer. When Reylien finally realized that she hadn't given him one she blurted out, "Yes! Of course!"

Legolas smiled and scooped her in his arms. The elf-maiden beamed from ear to ear. The prince set her down and cupped her cheek with his hand and stared into her eyes once more. He leaned in slowly as she met him halfway for their first real kiss.

But, suddenly, Reylien broke away. Legolas looked at her confused. "What is wrong?" She hesitantly turned her head back to face his with a frown. "What is the matter, love?" he whispered while gently caressing her cheek. Reylien looked at him as if scared to speak. "Please tell me...you can tell me anything."

"Do you still…love...Le'ariel?" Reylien's features were sad. She wanted to know the answer to see if Legolas really belonged to her now, but the other part of her was afraid of what he was going to say.

Legolas sighed and straightened his posture. "Le'ariel was the first female elf that I ever really loved and like all first loves—or great loves—that will always stay with you. Le'ariel chose what was best for her and now I am choosing what is best for me. I deserve to have a good life just as much as she does and being with you truly keeps my heart happy and at ease. I hope this answer to your question is good enough for you."

Reylien slowly smiled. "Yes...it is. So, what do we do now?"

"We tell your father," he kissed her cheek. "He will be very pleased."

"And how would you know?" she gave him a questioning look.

He merely grinned. "Trust me..." He walked her back home and announced the good news to her father who was thrilled, just like Legolas said he would be.

The prince later revealed that he previously asked for Lord Yulor's permission and promised to keep things quiet until he asked her. They chatted for a bit until Legolas said he should tell his own parents of the news.

The king and queen were just as ecstatic as Reylien's father when Legolas finally told them. Thranduil gave his son a big congratulatory hug, which was really more of a hug of relief on his part. He was very proud of Legolas and assured him the wedding will be done in the fashion that he and Reylien wanted it to be.

Queen Terulien smiled warmly at the prince and whispered, "You know your father and I only want you to be happy."

"Yes, mother...I know," he kissed her cheek, "As do I."

The elf-prince walked to his chambers and plopped himself on the edge of his bed after the announcement was over. He replayed the events in his head, which took place just hours ago. He couldn't believe he really did it...he finally asked Reylien to marry him. The dream he had about Le'ariel only made it clearer that she wasn't coming back. So much could have changed while she was away. He even thought of her having elf-children by now.

The way Legolas finally looked at his situation was he could either stay miserable for all of eternity or give himself a chance at happiness again. Reylien proved to be a good distraction for him in the beginning from his weary thoughts, but after spending time with her, he found himself thinking more and more of her and couldn't wait to see her each day.

Even if they didn't do much, the small things she did, including the clumsy ones, made him smile. He didn't want to make any advances towards her until he was certain that she would potentially be the one to get him out of his depressing state. In order to let Le'ariel go, Legolas had to move on.

"Do not forget me...keep me in your heart..." the words echoed in his mind. "Always..." he said to himself.