Chapter Eleven
Vertical Distance For Horizontal Force
As Shockoshi predicted, the pipe receded as the Ten landed safely in the new room. The room was a lot smaller than the previous rooms, only about the size of a classroom. There was a wooden statue of a Piranha Plant in the center and a purple crystal in the middle of the ceiling.
Timoshi brushed some twigs off his shoulder. "Obviously, the statue and crystal are the way out of here."
The statue started to move. It shook a little and suddenly came to life.
"Ahhhh," it said. "Lunch."
"Lunch?" Windoshi blurted. "Sorry man, but it's about 1:30. You're late."
"Don't make jokes with this guy," said Timoshi. "Its name is Pertu the Wooden and it hates being annoyed."
"Start talking a little more," said Flamoshi, "'cause this thing is really hungry!"
The wooden plant had started bouncing around the room, making bites at the Ten.
"Uh, more info!" Timoshi read. "It can't be burnt and has a weakness of being annoyed!"
"How?" Emoshi dodged a bite.
"He is very protective of his status, so he'll never let out his emotions. He may even be destroyed if annoyed sufficiently."
"One side, non-creative dude!" Windoshi shoved Flamoshi out of they way between him and Pertu.
The plant opened and closed its mouth. "Ah, you want to surrender to me. Any last words?"
"You betcha." Windoshi took a deep breath.
"Well, to start, my name is Windoshi. Actually, that's not my real name, but who cares? I'm not telling you my real name, I'd get all the hate mail that is currently being shipped to my garbage bin en masse. Anyway, have you ever tried to dive underneath a type-27 eighteen-wheeler? I've done it, but I still have a small mark from the driveshaft. They stick out quite far, you know? Did you know Smarties used to taste different depending on their colour? I guess they stopped that when they got in a lawsuit from Bertie Bott or something. It's amazing what you can get sued over these days. Have you heard the PlayStation 3 controller is motion sensitive with six degrees of freedom? That's just dumb; I mean they steal an idea from Nintendo and they don't even use all of it? You think they didn't have a clue about something? Do they have a clue about anything, really? What do you think those bouncy balls are made of? You know, from Yoshi's Island? Could be rubber or something, but then you'd smell them a kilometer away. What's behind a Shy Guy's mask, anyway? Are they hiding their faces 'cause they're human midgets, or what? Why does everyone say electricity is yellow? I mean, there's an equal chance of it being white or blue, right? I had a Tim Hortons double-double this morning. Why do Hylians have pointy ears, anyway? Can they do the 'live long and prosper' thing with their fingers? I like driving the Cucumber, what about you? Oh wait, this is my monologue. Where'd the word 'Zoinks!' come from, anyway? Do you think orange the colour came first, or was it orange the fruit? I mean, they couldn't have been named at the same time, right? What's the deal with Raphael the Raven, anyway? I mean, he hangs out in the stars for a few years and quintuples his size? There's something not right about that. You think there's a McDonald's in space or something? They're everywhere, aren't they? Why did Mace Windu have a purple lightsaber, anyway? Did he look extra hard for a purple crystal or something, or was he just lucky? I once went halfway through Event 51 with 230% damage on my Peach before getting KO'd the first time. Narf it up, you know what I mean? I bet you don't. Go Leafs go! Microsoft yay, Sony boo, Nintendo kicks both their ends."
By this time, the wooden plant was shaking ferociously, trying not to lose control. Windoshi just kept talking.
"Why do Boos hide their faces when being looked at, anyway? Are they ashamed about being ghosts? Or are they hiding something? Has a Thunder Bolt ever made the music so funny that you lose control? DS, obviously. There's no funny music in the other games. What's the deal with bananas anyway? I mean, they're so five-sided. How long does it take you to get all 100 Jiggies and 900 Notes? It takes me about five hours if some meathead doesn't interrupt me. How ignorant is the average American, anyway? They don't even know the name of their state senator, let alone the fact that Canada has provinces. Why do they call it a drill press if there's no pressing involved? It's incredible what you can find under and between the couch cushions. I once found a whole slice of orange cake. It was moldy, so I guess it counted as a vegetable. DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! And the crowd goes wild! Have you ever tried to bench-press a Thwomp? Or would you rather unicycle along Rainbow Road? WII WANT A REVOLUTION!!!"
Pertu exploded. Wooden shards rained everywhere.
"Aw man…" Windoshi sighed. "And I was just getting warmed up!"
Earthoshi picked through the wooden pieces. "Aha!" he exclaimed. He held up four wooden letters: F, G, R, and H.
Emoshi held up another wooden object. "This one looks strange," she said.
The piece in her hand was a boomerang. It was a smooth brown colour and had a black jewel in the center.
"Interesting little toy." Emoshi tried throwing it. It hit the wall and clattered to the floor.
Timoshi tried it next, using some instructions from the Guide. It circled halfway around the room before dropping.
Windoshi picked it up. He reared back his arm for a huge toss.
"What're you doing?" cried Healthoshi. "You're gonna break something!"
The black jewel in the boomerang suddenly became a fierce emerald. Windoshi gave it a heave without noticing. The boomerang tore around the room in circles, leaving a glowing green streak behind it. It then returned to Windoshi's hand.
Shockoshi came out of his egg. "Good grief, Windy, what didj'a do?"
Windoshi was waving off the pain of having a spinning wooden stick whack his hand. "How should I know? There's no power switch or anything, is there?"
Flamoshi tried throwing the boomerang. It circled the room once and made its way back to Windoshi.
"OW!" The green Yoshi massaged his arm.
Poisoshi grabbed the boomerang. "What a piece of garbage," he muttered. He threw it upwards.
The boomerang hit the purple crystal on the ceiling. The crystal turned green and caused the pipe to reappear. The boomerang came right back to Windoshi, who managed to catch it.
"Well," said Timoshi, "I think there's no doubt that the boomerang has chosen you as its owner."
"Cool!" Windoshi held it aloft. "I christen you…the 'Rang! May you beat up many fools!"
Earthoshi slapped his forehead. "Oh boy…"
The afternoon sun baked the Igneous Rockbed. Mount Vewaque smoked in the distance as the villagers of Volcanic Veranda went about their business.
The gate guards were having, according to them, a "standard day". They had seen nothing other than a few Flame Piranhas, some merchants, and a city gang.
"So I say to him, 'But don't forget the power surge,' and he just backs away before I hit the switch," one was saying to the other.
"What a maroon," laughed the other. "So what happened when…" He stopped, gazing at the horizon.
"Huh?" The first guard noticed it too: a large, round object flying in their direction.
"What is that thing?" blurted the second.
The first guard got his radio. "This is guard 1. We have a situation here. Large, unknown object heading our way…yes…uh, it's airborne, so that won't work…yeah, I'd say about three meters in diameter, maybe bigger…probably just a few minutes, it's moving quite fast."
Suddenly, the object parked in front of the two guards. Out of the top poked Bowser's head.
"Well," he said, "lookie here. Some eggheads that could do with a good thumping."
Guard 1 suddenly started panicking into his radio. "Oh man, it's Bowser, quick get a strike team out here, code red, AGH!" The device was knocked out of his hands as the Koopa King grabbed him by the neck.
"Now speak! Where are those ten Yoshis that came by here earlier? The ones with the special powers! You better tell me or it's curtains for you!"
"T-t-t-ten Y-y-y-yoshis?" stuttered Guard 2. "T-t-t-they c-c-c-came b-b-b-by h-h-h-here a f-f-f-few d-d-d-days ag-g-g-go."
"What?!" Bowser dropped Guard 1. "So those pinheads at the local bar were WRONG! Ooh, they're gonna taste some pain in a few minutes…" He flew off.
The Yoshis had backtracked all the way to the Floaty room.
"So what now?" wondered Emoshi. "We haven't been able to find an alternate path as of yet."
Timoshi looked out the window. "What about that rope out there?"
The rope through the small window was still mostly intact, although it had started to fray.
"That rope must trigger something," thought Flamoshi. "But how do we cut it?"
"Leave that to the 'Rang," declared Windoshi. He threw the 'Rang out the window. It sliced the rope and came back.
One of the large branches on the ceiling fell down in the middle of the room, creating a hole in the floor.
"Neato," said Shockoshi. "That would explain that pillar down on the floor below us…it's hollow!"
The Yoshis dropped down the newly formed hole. The room they fell into was pitch black.
"Um…" Shockoshi's voice permeated the blackness. "Little help, Flamoshi?"
The red one lit a ball of fire. The room stayed black.
"Okay, now this is bad," Healthoshi's voice quavered.
Flamoshi tried again to no avail.
"This floor sure feels weird," commented Earthoshi. "It feels like it's a grate of some sort, but made of wood."
"Judging by the echoes of our voices," said Timoshi, "it seems there's a room right under this floor. Maybe the floor even opens."
"Do you feel a breeze?" Watoshi asked.
"Yeah," said Emoshi. "But it's coming from below us!"
She was right. A wind had started below the Ten and started to increase in force.
"Good grief!" Flamoshi's cheeks vibrated in the wind. "What's going on here?"
One by one, the Ten lifted off the ground and flew upwards, back to the room from whence they came. However, Windoshi had hidden in his egg and, due to its aerodynamics, had not budged.
The rest of the Ten recovered from their blast against the ceiling.
"Oh man." Earthoshi looked around the room. "My head sure hurts right now…"
"Hey," said Watoshi. "Where's Windoshi?"
"He must have gotten caught or something," mumbled Flamoshi.
"Or maybe he's a colourful smear on the ceiling," growled Poisoshi.
A wooden grate had closed the hole in the floor.