First of all, thank you all for your reviews. No, this isn't a blog. This isn't a rant, this is a story. I also would like to ask people to refrain from using chatspeak in any flames or reviews for any story. It makes you seem really uneducated and juvenile. I'm not posting it here for the hell of it, thanks for concerns, but this is a self-insert. The prologue hardly fits that. It's a bloody FIFF. Falling Into Fan Fiction. And don't you worry, I'm not going to viciously attack Bella… because something will have happened. (Which is a right shame). I'm also one of the most easily distracted, klutzy, pale, and sarcastic people I've ever met. I also rarely soften the truth, which I find more of a credit. There is no way that I'd ever find Twilight even implied to be able to compare to Poe, Shakespeare, and Austen. I adore the fine arts and Twilight just doesn't fit that. I consider Poe to be my favourite author, not Lewis, not Rowling, and certainly not Meyer.

Let me get this straight and down in writing: I have nothing against Twilight fans. Some of my closest friends are fans, honestly, and most of my friends think Doctor Who is incredibly stupid and pointless. I just have a problem with the books themselves and the lady that wrote them.

And also, I do have a blog. It's linked to on my profile.

So obviously, as a disclaimer: I own only myself and a sonic screwdriver.

Shiny. I'd always been attracted to shiny things. I tell my friends that I'm part squirrel. Sparkly? Not so much. My sister used to use a lot of glitter when she was younger, and I don't get on with her very well… so sparkles are bad.

I couldn't wait to go to France. I'd wanted to go for ages, and Normandy… we were visiting the landing beach! That was probably the most exciting thing for me. And the museum. I wanted to go to the museum shop. I like the little shops.

I spotted something shiny in the woods. I was walking on the train tracks a few days before I was supposed to leave on the class trip to France. The tracks run behind my neighborhood, and right near a small wood. And I saw a shiny. I was acting like Jessica, honestly, chasing after shiny things. But, dammit, I saw a shiny and I wanted to know what it was! Jessicripple (since she'd broken her knee and was therefore, as I'd dubbed her, a cripple in the sense that she needed to use the elevator at school, couldn't walk much, and fell more than usual) would have done the same. That's not really a condolence, looking back, because Jessicripple has always done really stupid things. (Jessicripple. You like that? My friend Jarrin made it up. He's brilliant.) One of Jessicripple's more flawed ideas was that I bring in my copy of New Moon for her to borrow. She had rarely returned my books, but I didn't care about Twilight, so I consented when Jessicripple had asked me. But the problem was that the cripple wasn't in school, I had French and English homework, and that Breaking Dawn was seriously weighing down my backpack. And to top it all off, I saw a shiny in the woods.

I went towards the shiny. In the chaos that is my mind, parallel universe jumpers, Portkeys, and rings made from the dust of Atlantis were the only things coming to mind. That, and shiny. I have ADHD.

Honestly, part of me hoped it was a universe jumper. I'd fail if I wound up in the Wood Between Worlds, and I'd really fail if I wound up at Hogwarts or some mainly-magical place. Plus, if this led to the Doctor's Parallel…

I really have problems.

I approached the shiny with caution. I still had no idea what the hell it was, and I had a strange urge to poke it. Looking down on it, it was a key.

How bloody anticlimactic. A key. Oh, hell, why a key of all things? It couldn't be an exciting shiny… no, it had to be a key! I prodded it with the tip of my boot. It seemed safe to touch. So I poked it. Nothing happened. But then I had an epiphany! That old abandoned shed type thing a few yards yonder, with Fuck You and things of a similar nature spray painted on. Ooh, I could see if that would unlock, because that neighbor kid said that it was locked. But now I had a shiny key.

I picked it up and tried to find that damn shed.

Unfortunately, I hadn't seen the shed since said neighbor kid has shown it to me two years ago. Rawr.

So I wandered about, and then I wondered why I hadn't left that tiny little wood-type-area and hit the field-type-area with the intersection that led to that one highway.

I tripped over a root that I hadn't seen, and I grabbed the trunk of a tree for support without looking and felt something slimy. I looked to see a huge yellow slug.

"Aw, sorry little dude," I said, after making sure that I hadn't squished the poor slug. It looked familiar… that's it! It's a banana slug!

…But the last time I'd seen a banana slug was in Olympic National Park. My dad and I were in Forks, Washington, then, and there were banana slugs there…. But not here. They were west coast slugs... and they lived in rainforests.

(So, uhm, Bella Swan? It's a rainforest near your house, not just some random forest. Dumb ass.)

I blinked. It had gotten… greener. There was a banana slug, it smelled nice, and it was green. That and I heard some random person talking. So obviously I wasn't in the kind-of-wood by my house. Damn.

The person was definitely not from near where I lived.

"Oi! Er, hullo."

The figure turned around and I saw a girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and pale skin. Her skin was paler than mine! She was bundled in layers of coats and raincoats, and upon seeing this I couldn't help but make a smart remark.

"Uhm, you? Yeah, it's not cold and it's not raining. What are you, an idiot? What is it, fucking March? And you're all bundled up like we're in bloody Alaska!"

"There's still snow, you know," the chick said in a low voice.

"And I'm wearing a hoodie and a tee-shirt and jeans and combat boots. And believe me. This isn't cold. Where the fuck am I, anyway?"

"You're in Forks? Washington?"

"Aw, fuck."

"It sucks here, I know," the chick said.

"No, not that. I quite like it in Washington, honestly. Way better than San Diego, anyway. It fails because I'm supposed to go to fucking France in three days, leaving from Philidelphia."

The chick, still walking tripped over a random root, like I had. But she landed on her face, unlike me. That was funny.

I snorted. "Walk much, dumb ass?"

"Hey, you don't even know me! And how old are you, thirteen?"

"Fifteen, thanks for asking. And what about you? You're in junior high, aren't you, a brain as slow as yours…?"

She glared at me.

"Aw, are you going to go crying to your mummy?" I mock whined. This was fun. I wondered if I might even make her cry. She was looking more unsure by the minute. Ha, mess with me, call me thirteen. And say that rain sucks. She's paler than I am! That's a feat!

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?" I countered.

"Bella."

"Last name, Bella?" What was she, an idiot? Of course, I'd never known or read a Bella to be smart. Ever. It's kind of sad, really. Almost like the name carries some curse.

"Swan."

"Oh, you are fucking kidding me!" I yelled. "Of all the fucking series to FIFF, I had to FIFF this one!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I want the Doctor! I want Jack! He'd save me! Oh, and Rose, because her chavvy Sue totally owns this chick's whiny emo Sue. Oh, and Neville… just cos he's awesome like that. And Edmund. Fuck it, I want Edmund!"

She looked at me like I was crazy. I probably shouldn't have shouted that, in retrospect. But I rarely have good foresight.

"You're lost, aren't you, Sue?"

"My name's Bella."

"Sure it is," I said, rolling my eyes. "Now, how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"And there's a Reservation nearby, yeah, know anyone who has a phone I could call?"

"No… I mean, I know some people, but they're not going to call to Philidelphia."

"You fail," I said simply. "Who is this person?"

"Jake- Jacob. Why? And what's your name?"

"Skittles."

"This isn't funny. Tell me your name!"

Whiny. That didn't tell me anything; that could be any book… Twilight, New Moon… what were the other ones? I grabbed the book out of my backpack. Fuck it, it was blank. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. I was in New Moon. I had to be, or else I'd remember something other than Jasper not being in it. Rawr that fails.

"I told you, I'm Skittles."

"Seriously."

Jackie would probably get mad that I was using her nickname, and saying to a complete Sue no less… so… "My name's Rawr. Captain Rawr Peterson."

She glared at me. "That's not your real name."

I hissed at her. Yep, like a cat. I didn't like her. "I'm Willis."

"This isn't funny."

Yeah, Jordan might kill me, too. She and I weren't even really friends. Er… "Sponge."

"Just tell me your name!"

"What is it to you? Really, are you that pathetic that you run into some random chick in what is a rainforest, and you throw a fit so that she'll tell you her name?"

"Just tell me your name."

"Lindsey Way."

"Way? That's not even a last name."

Now I was offended. "It totally is! Have you ever heard of My Chemical Romance? Gerard and Mikey Way? And it's Scottish in origin."

"Just tell me your name."

"I want to talk to my lawyer!"

"All I–"

"I object!" I shouted.

"Look, just–"

"Fish are friends, not food!"

"I want–"

"You can fix a Chameleon Circuit by hotwiring the fragment links and superseding the binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary–!" I gasped. "I'm okay, it's all right."

She stared at me. Then she turned around and walked in the opposite direction. I looked down to see a trail. Well, that was a plus. It was also awesome that Bella was walking away from it.

"Oi! Bella Swan! You're leaving the trail!"

"I don't care!" I heard her yell back.

That's what I get for trying to be nice and telling her that she was going to get herself lost. Well, I sighed, it wasn't my problem. Bella Swan could be an idiot if she wanted to. I, on the other hand, having an estimated IQ of above one hundred, followed the trail till I reached the end of the rainforest to find… a beach.

You have got to be kidding me! I hate beaches! They're bad omens, unless it's the dead of winter and dark out.

There was also… Kalaloch Lodge! Ooh, I'd been there. And see, I told you I'd been to Forks. I wasn't lying.

…Now the problem was getting out of Forks.