A/N: Don't ask about my sanity. Just enjoy the chapter! It is the first in the series... Anyways, this chap has 2,812 words! YAY! Not counting the A/Ns, of course, but they aren't really part of the chapter. Have fun! R & R, please!
Esme: Doo, doo doo, just cleaning the house!
Edward: Can I have some mac and cheese?
Esme: Why, oh why, would you want a mac and cheese? You'll just barf it up later.
Edward: Thank you for the bluntness; no, actually, I'm getting it for Bella.
Esme: Here!
Edward: Okay. Now if only I could find some mashed potatoes…
Jasper: -runs down from his room at vampire speed and slaps Edward across the face-
Edward: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!
Edward: Is it slap Edward day or something?
Bella: Edward? What's wrong?
Edward: Nothing, I'm just getting your mac and cheese with a side of mashed potatoes!
Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-
Edward: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!
Edward: Wow… Déjà vu.
Emmett: Did I hear a Déjà vu? -runs down stairs in Elvis Presley clothes-
Bella: Edward? Is everything all right?
Alice: HIS NAME IS EDDY!!
Edward: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S EWARD, NOT EDDY, NOT EDDIE, NOT ANYTHING!!
Alice: If it's not anything, then do you have no name?
Esme: -blows whistle- Stop arguing!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Alice: NO!
Esme: YES!
Emmett: IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, EAT MY FACE!
Edward: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!
Edward: Holy potato, it must be 'Slap Edward Day'!
Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-
Edward: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!
Edward: Holy potato, it must be 'Slap Edward Day'!
Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-
Edward: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!
Bella: Edward? Is everything all right?
Edward: No! Rabid vampires on the ground floor! -runs up the stairs to Bella and locks the door-
Bella: Ooh! I see you got my mac and cheese! Oh, but you forgot the potato!
Jasper: -kicks down door slaps Bella across the face-
Bella: OW! OW! OW! WTF?
Esme: -slaps Bella across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps Bella across the face- No text language!
Edward: Wow… Déjà vu.
Emmett: I ain't nothin' but a hound dog…
Jasper: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Jasper across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps Jasper across the face- No text language!
Athena: -slaps Esme and Alice across the face- No hitting Jasper!
Jasper: Who are you?
Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-
Alice: wtf?
Esme: -slaps Alice across the face- No swearing!
Alice: -slaps herself across the face- No text language! (A/N: Imagine Alice slapping herself across the face!)
Bella: -has been sobbing since she was slapped- You guys, that hurts a human a LOT...
Edward: -slaps Esme, Alice, and Jasper across the face- No hitting Bella!
Athena: -with a new set of identical pom-poms- -slaps Edward across the face- No hitting Jasper!
Jasper: Who are you?
Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-
Alice: Why me? What did I do wrong? I mean… ooh, pretty colors! -strokes pom-poms-
Jasper: My butt is not small!
Emmett: Elvis Presley voice Oh yes it is, honey.
Jasper: NO!
Emmett: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Emmett: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Emmett: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Emmett: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Emmett: YES!
Edward: No, it's massively huge!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Jasper: NO!
Edward: YES!
Athena: It's NOT! Or small!
Jasper: Yeah… but -turns to Athena- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Esme: -slaps Jasper across the face- No swearing!
Jasper: That was NOT a swear!
Esme: Oh yes it was!
Bella: -sobbing- Don't fight, just get me ointment!
Edward: Jasper, you go get it!
Athena: -slaps Edward across the face- Don't boss him around!
Jasper: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
Esme: I would slap you, but my hand is too tired.
Emmett: Let's go to the beach, pretty lady.
Bella: Ooh, Emmett is hitting on Esme! -grabs bucket of popcorn-
Edward: Actually, Elvis loved his mother.
Esme: Well, Elvis, go… bark or something. I g2g.
Alice: -slaps Esme across the face- No text language!
Esme: I thought we were on the same side?!
Alice: -snarls- Not anymore. You've betrayed me.
Jasper: I want my mommy... -sucks thumb-
Athena: wtf? Act like a man, soldier!
Alice: -slaps Athena across the face- No text language!
Jasper: -salutes Athena and stands erect-
Athena: At ease, soldier!
Jasper: -lies down on the couch like a mental patient-
Athena: ARG. What happened to posture?!
Jasper: Er, right. Wait, WHO ARE YOU?!
Alice: -wails- NOT AGAIN!
Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-
Jasper: So who is she?
Athena: -cheering- Jasper, Jasper, what do you say? I can see you are not gay! Yay! -throws pom-poms in the air, catches them, and throws them at Alice disappears at vampire speed-
Jasper: wtf?
Alice: -slaps Jasper- No text language!
Athena: -slaps Alice- No hitting Jasper! God, what kind of a wife/soul mate are you? Arg.
Bella: OINTMENT, PEOPLE!!
Edward: -runs to get Carlisle at the hospital- Carlizzie-shizzy?
Carlisle: Who?
Edward: You!
Carlisle: -slaps Edward- No calling me that!
Edward: Wow, everyone has seemed to have gotten that message except for me...
Carlisle: What message? And how do you know about it if you didn't get it?
Edward: The message about it being 'Slap Edward Day'.
Carlisle: Um, sorry, never got it.
Edward: That's weird…
Carlisle: What are you doing here?
Edward: I came to get the… well, that's odd, I seem to have forgotten. YOU HAVE DISTRACTED ME FROM MY QUEST!! BE YOU CURSED FOREVER!!
Carlisle: Edward, don't you think shouting that - in the middle of a hospital, no less – is a little conspicuous for the current times.
Athena: It's a little conspicuous for any time.
Carlisle: Who are you? Where did you come from? Do you know me? Do you know Edward? Are you a patient here? Are you a vampire? Why are you here? Why did you contribute to the conversation?
Edward: We don't know, she's been randomly popping up all day and disappearing whenever someone asked her who she is, throwing her pom-poms at Alice. She just sort of pops out of nowhere.
Athena: I think his answers cover your next questions. No, you don't know me.
Edward: I don't think she is a patient here. Why are you asking that in the middle of a hospital? You can sense it, anyways, so you know that leans closer we backs up are in need of no medical care.
Athena: I was bored. Why do you care? I was bored.
Edward: Wow, you really answered.
Athena: Yeah! Hello, do you think I could throw my pom-poms all the way to your house? I can only depart if you ask me who I am near Alice.
Carlisle: Interesting. So you're stuck with us?
Athena: For now.
Edward: What makes you think we'll ask you who you are in front of Alice now?
Athena: Oh, I have my ways. -maniacal grin-
Carlisle: -cowers behind Edward- Eddy, make the scary lady go away!
Athena: -laughs- A yellow vampire!
Carlisle: It's not funny!
Edward: Well, I'm bored here. Let's go home.
Athena: Sure!
Carlisle: I'll go, too. Too much time at the hospital is making me reconsider not drinking human blood.
Edward: -gives Carlisle a weird look-
Athena: Let's get in my car!!
Edward: What kind of car do you have?
Athena: A black Lamborghini Murcielago. See, it's right there! -points to black Lamborghini Murcielago-
Edward: -whistles- Holy Potato, that's a fast-looking car!
Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face runs back home-
Athena: Right at immediate purchase, its top speed is 204 mph or up, depending on aerodynamic configuration. But Rosalie and I have done some work on it!
Carlisle: Rosalie has betrayed us! I know, let's place a three day shun on her! -scribbles in notebook-
Edward: Wow, that's fast.
Athena: -hops in car- It only comfortably seats two, but we can shove Edward in the back.
Edward: What? No!
Carlisle: All's fair in love and war!
Athena: Woe is me, people don't say that enough anymore.
Carlisle: Alas, same with "woe is me".
Athena: Woe is me, same with "alas".
Carlisle: -sigh-
Athena: -slams down on the gas- Here we are!
Edward: -barfs-
Carlisle: I thought vampires weren't supposed to get carsick.
Edward: Well, vampires aren't supposed to be shoved in a tiny space in the back of a car driving at insane, even for a vampire, speeds.
Athena: Liar. He ate some mac and cheese earlier.
Esme: -sing song voice- I told you so!
Athena: Ugh. That's soooooooooooooooo cliché.
Esme: Whateva.
Athena: -rolls eyes-
Emmett: -still in Elvis clothes- -in Elvis voice- They're ba-ack!
All: -rush out front-
Athena: -chatters away-
Kyle: You're letting it tell you its lies? Have you all gone crazy? Or did it lead the Seekers here? Are you all parasites now?
Esme: -slaps Kyle- Wrong book!
Athena: -slaps Esme- No hitting Kyle!
Jasper: Hey! I thought you were supposed to do that for me!
Athena: -looks from Kyle to Jasper- I do it for both of you, okay?
Kyle and Jasper: Okay...
Esme: High spirits people! Kyle, would you like a blood muffin? Come inside.
Kyle: wtf?
Alice: -slaps Kyle- No text language!
Esme: -slaps Kyle- No swearing!
Athena: -slaps Alice and Esme- No hitting Kyle!
Bella: WHERE IS MY OINTMENT??
Kyle: A blood muffin? Blood?
Esme: Oh. I can see that you are not a vampire.
Kyle: Are you a vampire?
All Vampires in the World: We all are!
Bella: Aaaaaah! All the vampires of the world are in the same yard!
Edward: I'll protect you because I just am that way!
Athena: Just out of curiosity, can vampires break through missile-proof glass?
Edward: I don't think so, why?
Jasper: Idiot! She said why! Just out of curiosity, remember?
Athena: Bella, get in your Mercedes Guardian. Missile-proof glass and four thousand pounds of body armor should hold off the Volturi for long enough.
Bella: Okay! -races to car gets in locks all doors-
Athena: Yellow pet.
Bella: Pet?!
Athena: Yep. You are a human, so therefore, until you get changed, you are the Cullens' pet.
Edward: -raises hand- Objection.
Athena: -pounces on Edward-
Jacob: Ooh! -helps Athena-
Athena: Wow, I though I'd never see the when Jacob Black and I are on the same side!
All Vampires Minus the Cullens, Athena, and Jane: -leave-
Jane: -helps Athena and Jacob- Wait, who is this dog that smells so awful?
All Except Jane: A werewolf!
Jane: Oh. -attacks Jacob-
All Others: -help Jane-
Pack: -runs in and grabs Jacob runs away-
Athena: Haha yellow mongrels!
Bella: I want OUT!
Edward: -presses "unlock"-
Bella: -screams at Athena- I AM NOT A PET!!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Athena: ARE TOO!
Bella: AM NOT!
Edward: Cool! I'm in love with a kitty!
Athena: -pushes Bella away- I'm allergic to you!
Carlisle: Vampires can't be allergic to anything.
Athena: Well I just AM so if you don't like it you can just shove it, 'kay?
Carlisle: Meanie.
Athena: -sticks tongue out-
Bella: Edward? Did you get my ointment?
Edward: Er, Carlizzie-shizzy?
Carlisle: -slaps Edward- No calling me that!
Edward: Er, right. Can you go fetch me some ointment for Bella's face? She got slapped a couple times by vampires.
Carlisle: Okay!
Edward: Wow that was easy.
Carlisle: Oh, don't get me wrong, there's a price.
Edward: -warily- What is it? -turns to look at Bella- Whatever the price is, I shall pay it!
Carlisle: You must give Bella to the Volturi!!
Edward: Okay!
Carlisle: -gives Edward the ointment-
Edward: -gives Bella the ointment-
Bella: What am I supposed to do with this?
Edward: -snatches ointment from Bella- -pours it all over her face-
Bella: I feel strangely non-itchy.
Edward: -looks at label- Hey look, this is itch cream!
Jane: Well, I'll just be taking Bella to the rest of the Volturi, if you don't mind.
Edward: I MIND!!
Jane: Why?
Edward: Carlisle tricked us and gave us the wrong ointment, so Bella still belongs to me.
Kyle: -very confused- What is a Volturi?
Bella: Right, I'll just be taking Kyle up to a room to explain everything.
Athena: -bouncy- Can I come; can I come?
Bella: NO!
Athena: Meanie.
Bella: -sticks tongue out-
Athena: -attacks Bella-
Edward: -puts himself between Athena and Bella-
Athena: Jane! Rosalie! Jasper! Come help me!
Jane: Gladly. I'm all for killing him to get Bella.
Alice: NO!!
Athena: That was too many exclamation points. I prefer to do a simple, modest, three. Like this!!
Jane: That was random.
Athena: Not really.
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Jane: YES!
Athena: NO!
Emmett: -runs in the house-
Edward: Well, are we going to get back to fighting or not?
Jane: -charges at Edward-
Edward: Aaaaaaah! Emmett, help!
Emmett: -steps outside in regular clothes-
Athena: Haha, yellow vampire!!
Bella: -grabs bucket of popcorn watches the fight-
Edward: Someone go chain Bella to a tree in the forest!
Jane: -snarls- She stays HERE.
Emmett: So, are we gonna fight or not?
Athena: -slaps Emmett- "Gonna" is not a word!!
Emmett: -attempts to balance light bulb above head- OOh! I have an idea! runs inside
Edward: Well, there goes my thug.
Emmett: -comes back out in Britney Spears costume Britney Spears voice- Thug? Thug? This darling is not a thug!
Athena: -points to Emmett/Britney Cullen- Who are you supposed to be?
Emmett: I am Britney Spears, and I am queen of the world!!
Athena: The Elvis impersonation was better.
Emmett: -nods darts back inside-
Jane: -whiney voice- So are we going to fight or not?
Athena: -pounces on Edward-
Jane: YAY! -happy child laugh- -attacks Edward-
Edward: Oh noes! Emmett!
Athena: What does "noes" mean?
Edward: Not sure.
Jane: -giggles-
Athena: Then why did you use it?!
Edward: Not sure.
Athena: Are you going to say "not sure" whenever we ask you a question?
Edward: Not sure.
Athena: -frustrated scream-
Alice: Um, Jane, Edwardo? Nice.
Jane: -to Athena- Watch this. -to Edward- Hey, Edwardo, do you love Bella?
Edward: Not sure.
Bella: -screams so loud that Martians surely heard- WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??
Jane and Athena: -evil laugh-
Alice: -appreciative voice- Nice.
Jasper: Idiots!
Fangirls: Wow… Déjà vu.
3 Doors Down:
If I go crazy will you still call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well will you be there ah holding my hand?
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might.
Kryptonite.
Emmett: -back in regular clothes- Where did you come from?
3 Doors Down: We're stuck in Athena's head.
Emmett: Um, okay? So is her power to make you appear or something?
3 Doors Down: No.
Emmett: Okay then. If you'll excuse me, I have to go flip through magazines to find a new "look".
Jane: So that's what that was all about!
Muse:
Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah….!
Edward: -toneless voice- Let me guess. You're stuck in Athena's head.
Muse: Yes!
Athena: You may go now!
Muse and 3 Doors Down: -disappear-
Athena: So… what does everyone want to do now?
All: -speak at once-
Bella: Interrogate Edward!
Alice: Come up with more nicknames to annoy Edward! Edwardo, pure brilliance!
Jane: Finish the fight!
Edward: Not sure.
Emmett: -from house- Find a new "look"!
Rosalie: Look at myself in the mirror!
Jasper: Find out who the heck this is! -points to Athena-
Kyle: Find out what the hell is going on!
Carlisle: Buy myself a Lamborghini Murcielago!
Esme: Make Bella potatoes!
Jasper: -slaps Esme across the face-
Athena: -listens for a minute- -puts hands over ears- -screams- QQQQUUUUIIIIIEEEETTTT!!
All: -quiet down-
Athena: Everyone just go do what you want to do. Apparently we can come to no agreement. -angrily throws pom-poms at Alice runs away at vampire speed-
All: -go their own ways-
A/N: What do you think? Please review!
And no, I'm not really a cheerleader. I don't have enough pep to be a cheerleader. And I don't have a Lamborghini Murcielago, either... I only wish. Sorry for the long conversation about them.
Other randomness is also probably not real.
Sorry it's so random. I couldn't help myself!
Any questions, include them in the review, please!
Happy Twilight Reading,
jANEvOLTURI