Disclaimer: We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do have this Magic 8 ball. Yay for us!
REVIEW! RWAAARRR
PEACOCKS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
Cliff-hanger ends here
… But Jack promptly exploded when he hit the water. No one mourned death much, but that's because they know it's a fanfiction and he'll be alive again in approximately 35 words.
The bloody mess filled the ocean and just as the sharks began to gather, spelling certain doom for Jack's chances of reincarnation, he began to well-- pull himself back together, for want of better term. When Jack was whole again, the sharks sighed and swam away to cut themselves because they were non conformist like that.
Now reassembled, it still took a while for Jack to reach our bitchy heroine, for he could only swim in a retarded doggy paddle and the fact that he had left his only jet ski back on Tortuga did not help. When our favourite Pimp Master finally reached her, he grabbed Elizabeth and being the perverted man he was, ripped off her jumpsuit to see her 'wares'. He was utterly amazed that with the jumpsuit gone he could keep afloat and he slowly swam to the dock.
Everyone that saw the manoeuvre was incredibly impressed and he was hailed a god in several small ant farms. When he deposited Liz on the dock, he quickly ripped of her corset, hoping for a better view of her fabled boobs. Much to his surprise again, Liz spluttered and breathed. Grace, who had been trying to rape a wall, had returned to Shelby's side, although Shelby was far too busy staring at Jack to notice that Grace had returned.
...
ALL OF A SUDDEN, the perverted group were surrounded by soldiers, who seemingly had appeared out of nowhere. Which was the 'in' method of appearing these days.
Grace, taking advantage of the conundrum, shoved Shelby in the ovaries. Shelby, gasping in pain about her damaged baby hole, stumbled and landed with a tremendous 'SPLASH' in the water.
The size of the splash was caused due to Shelby's LARGELY OVER DEVELOPED CHEST!
"Elizabeth! Are you alright?" Her paunchy father asked in a highly feminine, breathy voice as he leaned in for a better view of her chest.
In her semi-drowned delirium, Elizabeth wondered what had happened to his balls.
"Oh… I think... I think I'll be ok..." Elizabeth replied shakily, the martyring bitch enjoying the attention as much as Shelby enjoys taking it up the arse.
The crowd breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief. Somewhere in the background, a whole chorus of groans could be held, as well as several suicides by cat inhalation.
"No thanks to some people." Elizabeth added, staring pointedly at the Commodore, who looked like he had just had his heart ripped out and curb stomped to the ground.
After recovering from his minor stroke, there was an extremely awkward silence, in which the Commodore adjusted his ludicrous wig.
Jack Sparrow decided that now was the time for the attention to turn itself in his glorious direction so he coughed daintily.
Everybody looked up and gasped at the amazing sight, for the sun had conveniently started to set behind Jack, lighting up his eyes, a non-existent wind billowed his pimp cape out like a fountain of glory, a string orchestra playing a romantic suite in the background...
"And who might you be?" Asked the Commodore scornfully, who was rather pissed off at being shown up every five minutes.
To escape the Commodore's wrath, the string orchestra fell into the water screaming, the non-existent wind whisked away with an obscene farting noise and the sun temporarily exploded.
"Jack Sparrow. PIMPMASTER… Jack Sparrow." He announced snobbishly.
The hypnotising effect now gone from the crowd, several angry faces looked his way.
"PIMPMASTER! But... but... did you not read the sign out the front of the kingdom?' The Commodore spluttered furiously, the ever present vein bulging in his head, threatening to explode.
Jack had, of course, noted the sign out the front. It was rather impossible to miss with its huge capital letters that read, 'BEWARE PIMPMASTERS!' Also the skeletons of three deceased Pimp-Masters that hanged from their necks made it hard to ignore. If one looked hard and close at night, you could see the skeletons playing cards and drinking alcohol and chatting in Japanese. People who had seen this sight either declared themselves drunk or severely insane.
But, of course, Jack had ignored the warning.
'Kill him!' Shrieked a high pitched voice from the crowd.
The soldiers began to advance intimidating, but ALL OF A SUDDEN!
Jack grabbed Elizabeth and with expert precision, held his diamond studded gun to her downstairs department.
''Nobody move, or the bitch gets it in the arse!'' Jack yelled emphatically.
Elizabeth shrieked, screamed, hit, slapped, cried and ate ice cream out of a bucket but there was nothing she could do about her unfortunate state.
At this moment, Shelby had finally flopped back onto the wharf but upon seeing the drastic situation and the angry glares directed her way, she sulkily allowed Grace to push her back into the water.
...
Then followed an incredibly awesome scene in which Jack got back his personal effects. Don't worry; we won't bore you with the details- it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments.
Now equipped with his paraphernalia which had the effect of a light house on his person, Jack made his escape, blinding everyone in his path with his incredible pimp-ness. After stopping for a full body treatment at a nearby day spa, he decided to strut off to the merchant's corner for some sort of blacksmith.
Jack simply had to get rid of the highly unfashionable shackles on his arms. Stunned at his own thoughts, Jack looked down at his arms, which were indeed shackled. When did they get there? Shrugging off the puzzle, Jack began to run wildly in circles, eventually tripping over a conveniently placed corpse and landed head first into a blacksmith.
Jack was startled by the bray of a donkey and quickly slid into his 'scary' pose. Locating the noise-- which was funnily enough a donkey, Jack stared at the beast craftily. The donkey stared back with the same sly look on its elongated features. The both smiled the same toothy grin in unison. They had an idea!
Ten seconds later, Jack was satisfied and the donkey was a sore ass (HAHA get it? Sore ass?) Now he focused on the problem of his shackles. He quickly pulled the loosely placed inconvenience of off his wrists.
Meanwhile...
A rather pissed off Commodore Norrington was yelling at a rather wet Shelby and an extremely gleeful Grace.
"You!" The Commodore shouted, pointing at Grace.
"You are hereby arrested for pushing someone into the water unprovoked!" Turning on Shelby, he then continued to rant.
"You are arrested for molesting royal water! Gillette, clap them in irons and take them to the gallows." Shelby and Grace tried to escape using their, 'feminine wiles', or lack thereof. However they failed miserabl,y for you see, Norrington and Gillette had a rather unfortunate accident together when they were but lads. One day, when they were playing together in a merchant's yard, one thousand tonnes of rotten bananas fell onto their rather exposed privy parts squashing them and rendering them incapable of use. So rather then invoking a reaction as planned, Grace and Shelby were carted unceremoniously away.
...
A/N: What do you mean, no virgins?
o.O
TAKE SHELBY!! /pushes Shelby into crowd and runs