Disclaimer: We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do own the camera watching you.

SHELBY WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP

...

Disappointed that she had once again been foiled in her attempt to kill Grace, Shelby kicked her in the head angrily. Being used to such behaviour from the personality challenged young woman, Grace groaned and got up to stand by Shelby. The before mentioned woman, slightly discouraged that she hadn't caused a brain damage, loped away to a nearby psychic expo. Meanwhile, the otherwise omniscient writer was still wondering how Grace and Shelby escaped from prison.
The next day...
A groggy Mr. Turner awoke to find himself covered in human excrement. Highly embarrassed he skulked away and jumped down a well. He had only intended to get himself clean, but sadly killed himself. Nyaaaaw.
Will Turner II strode out of the blacksmith with a purpose in his eyes. He simply had to save poor Elizabeth from the atrocities that she was surely being exposed to! Thinking that the crazy Commodore would share his plight William set out to look for him. After eighteen seconds of looking, Will found him, surrounded by a bunch of sorry looking soldiers. They obviously had drunk too much the night previously and when he realised this, Will snickered at there predicament. Sadly, he snotted all over himself and said snot blocked up his mouth and nose, so that he slowly began to suffocate. Using the last of his oxygen, Will ran towards the Commodore.
"They...took...boobs!" He gasped, finally using up his meagre oxygen supply. Damn it, when that person offered to tear him a third hole, he should have accepted! After he had said this, Will collapsed, driving an axe that he had pilfered from a dead cat into the Commodore's hand. Norrington looked at his severed fingers in horror and then proceeded to run in circles, splashing blood over his comrades.
When Will awoke, he noticed that a note was written in blood beside him. It read:
Dear Mr Turner,
Don't be rash... I would have told you this face to face
but you passed out. Also it is of no use to go to the
pimp in the gaol, for it seems he is no friend to the
pimps as they left him in his cell. Epic lolz.
Sincerely,
Commodore Norrington
P.S you chopped off my fingers, you bastard. Revenge shall be mine.
After reading this, Will ran off intending, rashly, to seek Jack, just to spite his nemesis.

...

In the gaol cell...

Jack had formulated a most evil and diabolical plan. You see, there was this dog, and the dog had the cell door keys, so if Jack could get the dog to bring him the keys...

It was foolproof!

Or fail-prone, as Jack was soon to find out.

The dog had seen this attempted many, many times before, so instead of giving Jack the keys, it lunged out, roaring, and bit his shoulder.

Jack shrieked, and began frothing at the mouth, having contracted rabies from the dog.

He then pimp slapped the dog so hard that it flew into a wall and exploded, revealing William Turner. He was standing with his hands in a very suspicious place, armed with a Playboy magazine, and an expression that just screamed 'omfg caught' plastered across his face.

"Oh! Um, well, ahhh... How do you d-"

Will was cut off by tripping over a chair, falling sixty stories downwards and being squashed by a comically oversized shoe.

Jack snickered at this amusing display, until he re-read the script and realised that Will was his only hope of escaping the prison, so with that he begged forgiveness of the Authors for being such a whore, and after a two sentence lecture, the Authors granted Will new life, and the movie continued rolling as it was.

"Oh! Um, well, ahhh... How do you d-"

"There's a chair there, followed by a sixty story plummet and a comically oversized shoe that will own you." Said a voice mysteriously.

Will squeaked, and tripped over the chair, fell down a sixty story plummet and was owned by a comically oversized shoe.

The Author, Grace, scratched her head and sighed angstily.

"You know what? I'm just going to skip to the part where he gets Jack out already!" She grumbled.

WEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"Well, you poncy Pimp Master, I'll let you out of this cell if you can take me to The Black Spankin' Pearl!" Will said haughtily.

"The Black Spankin' Pearl, ay?" Jack's eyes lighted up with greed, huge dollar signs forming in the air around his head.

"Yes, they have my boobs." replied Will.

Jack stared at him with a queer look. After a moment of consideration, he said,

"Alrighty! You get me out of here, and we'll go to that boat to get your, um, boobs back! Then I can take the ship for meself! And have lots of money and girls!! Muahaha!!"

Will, unfazed by this outburst of manic laughter, walked over to the cell door and opened it.

"You realise it wasn't locked, yes?"

The Pimp Master had a crestfallen look on his face, the same look he had that fateful day he was told that Santa Claus didn't exist.

After standing around awkwardly for ten minutes, Jack glanced at his hand and found his next line written there. Thoroughly relieved, he struggled to read the smeared ink.
"Warts yu, nam... kelp?" He tried, staring quizzically at his hand. Will shook his head and came over to help him.
"It says what's your name, whelp?" Will said helpfully. Jack, enraged at his failure, roundhouse kicked Will in the head. Like many times before, Will fainted. When he awoke, the last ten minutes of his life had been erased so Jack, somehow knowing this took full advantage of the fact.
"What's your name, whelp?" He asked smugly, smiling toothily at the disoriented young man. Will, confused about what was happening answered automatically.
When Jack heard the name, a curious chain of events occurred.

First Jack's eye started twitching uncontrollably. Then his lips started twitching. Finally his whole body was shaking with silent paroxysms and he burst out with laughter.

"I knew your father, son!"

More laughter.

"He was the most hopeless pimp on all of the seven seas!" Jack could barely contain the laughter. So finding it easier to just give in, he began to howl with mirth, barely managing to mumble out the words.

"They called him Whiplash Bill for he was a master of the riding crop." Suddenly he sobered and said, "Good man old Bill, good man." After this, Will, red as a lobster was in tears. He father wasn't a noble prude but a pimp. He promptly exploded, killing several nuns.

...

For any confusion to whether the Evil Captain of the First Movie (as we refer to him, fucked if we know his real name! haha! Shelby probably does), here is a conversation that will make you more understanding of our lack of knowledge;

Shelbs says:

Hmmm... I just realised... did we replace Captain Barbosa with Wills father?

GRACKUS!! says:

we replaced who?

Shelbs says:

You know, the Evil captain in the first one?

GRACKUS!! says:

but isnt the evil captain wills father?

Shelbs says:

...nope

GRACKUS!! says:

huh? but he said he was, didnt he?

Shelbs says:

no...?

GRACKUS!! says:

really? what the hell have i been watching o.O

Shelbs says:

fuck it! he is his father now! Muahahaa!!1one!

...

A/N: Hello readers, tis Shelby here. I am slowly going blind from writing this story, and my over developed chest is shrinking due to lack of reviews.

NOOOOOO