Disclaimer: We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do know where your underwear drawer resides.
Unless it's in the fridge.
Then we didn't expect that.
PICKLE CONDENSATION WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
...
Conveniently for Will and Jack, there were no soldiers around but there was a creepy old man in the corner who had 'wares' to sell.
Frightened and disturbed, Will ran away squealing but Jack came up to the old beggar and pimp slapped him across the face.
Jack immediately contracted crabs and herpes, and the old man cackled evilly before imploding, covering Jack in orange juice.
Soon, the two heroines were entangled in a bush, discussing their next phase of action.
After wiping the residual orange juice from his person and detaching a suckling Will, Jack declared that they needed a ship- badly. Nodding stupidly, Will loped after Jack.
They scuttled stealthily along a beach, hidden by a twig with a few green leaves still intact and easily fooled the soldiers on duty with their disguise.
And then Jack and Will saw it.
The Commodore's prize ship.
'The Abstinence'
It was floating majestically in the water, fluttering its sails erotically at the two men.
Will and Jack decided that they would take this particular ship, just to spite the Commodore Norrington.
Jack spied some wooden boats onshore, and whispered for a few moments in Will's ear, and they both nodded.
10 minutes later, the two of them emerged from the bushes, hollering a war cry and armed with wooden shields and swords. The soldiers who came across their path either died from a heart attack, or were impaled by Jack Sparrow's huge erection.
Will and Jack reached the water, and started ice skating to the ship. Because this defied logic, the remainder of the soldiers got massively mind fucked and their heads exploded.
They reached the boat, and began scuttling up the side of 'The Abstinence', all the while humping it.
The soldiers already on board the ship moved to attack the fugitives, and all hope seemed lost, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, Jack whisked off his purple pimp hat, and swept his luscious dreadlocks up into his hands, and winked suggestively at the soldiers.
The soldiers all died from 'over exposure to sexy pimpness' as the doctor declared, before he too, died, from a shattered pelvis.
Will and Jack, now comfortably aboard, set sail for the seven seas… Not really, just a very dirty brothel that Jack knew of.
Meanwhile, on shore...
"Commodore? Commodore Norrington? Are you alright, sir?"
The Commodore's eye twitched and several veins in his head were bulging out.
He looked at the soldier, who then took a few steps back and stopped breathing, and exploded.
Commodore Norrington looked back out to sea, and a blood vessel in his eye ruptured.
Then Gibbs approached and looked at the ship which was now sailing away. Just to piss the Commodore off further, he said,
"Well, that there, sir, is the best pimp master I have ever seen, if I do say so myself."
The Commodore's head snapped quickly in his direction, and he proceeded to slap Gibbs very girlishly across the face with one gloved hand.
The crowd then wondered silently how Gibbs came upon Port Royal.
Back on board the 'Abstinence'...
Jack and Will were having a pimp slap fight to the death over Will's parentage. At the moment, Jack had Will's head down the privy, causing him to literally 'eat shit'. Jack had had the upper hand for the whole fight, for Will had never been much of a fighter and preferred to intimidate his foes with his arsenal of 'Star Wars' figurines. Sadly, he had left them back at home, so he had no chance of scaring Jack into an apology. Little did he know, the old drunkard who had so successfully taken all the credit for his attack upon the pimp master, had shoved them up a dolphins rectum. Said dolphin was currently frolicking gaily in the water below.
Soon, Will had consumed all of the excrement, used condoms and bloodied tampons, and had very unfashionably gained twenty eight point five kilos. When Jack let him go, he sniffed up the tampon that was hanging out of his nose and burst into tears. His whole face was red with shame, but luckily, the shit mask created a poker face so complete that even Chuck Norris would have inclined his head. Upon seeing that Will was in inconsolable tears, Jack ponced up to him and kicked him right in the ovaries with his high-heeled diamond studded shoe.
Wiping away the gore from his shoe with a delicate, silk hanky, Jack declared, "Listen mate, I cant sail to the broth... err, Tortuga all by me onesies!" Jack glared at Will for a long moment before imparting a final word of advice,
"So grow some balls you pussy!"
With a huff, Jack strolled off and left Will to his own devices. Taking this statement literally, Will sulked away to ponder how Jack had known that he had a pussy. That was until Jack threw a can of RedBull at him and Will grew wings and flew away. Sadly, his wings burned off in the sun and he landed in a sorry heap back onboard 'The Abstinence'. Utterly defeated, Will skulked over to the mast and began to do all the hard work while Jack reclined on a pimp chair, drinking martinis, smoking a cigar and occasionally moving the wheel with his glittering shoes.
Far away, on the Black Spankin' Pearl...
Elizabeth was sulking. Not only had Will not come to save her, but the whole town had willingly given her up to the whorish pimps. Now why would they do that...?
She pondered over this, as Authors Grace and Shelby scratched the backs of their necks, and shiftily glanced from side to side.
Fed up with thinking because it hurt her delicate and few brain cells, Elizabeth walked up to a huddle of Pimps, shadowing her eyes as the brightness of their bling burnt out her retinas.
Drawing herself up and pushing her boobs out, she spoke loudly and clearly, and stated,
"I have a vagina."
Taken aback from this sudden and random statement, the Pimps squinted through their man whore sunnies, and looked curiously at her.
Surely enough, there was a vagina on Elizabeth's chin, which then squealed and quickly disappeared, highly embarrassed.
The Pimps looked at one another, and others who had been elsewhere on the boat came to view this new spectacle.
"What... what was that?" said one particularly shocked Pimp, a dildo hanging from his ear.
"I told you. It's a vagina. It goes 'CUCKAW!! CUCKAAAAAWWW!!' Well, at least mine does." Said the whiny whore.
The Pimp, not quite knowing what to say, promptly exploded, and was never seen again. After a sudden awkward silence, an enraged pimp exclaimed,
"Now look here, you can't just go around making people pop a-cannon and explode, hoe! I oughta pimp smack yo ass, bitchnipple!"
"Well I don't care, because MY daddy has a tractor!! Does yours? Hmm??" retorted Elizabeth.
The Pimp, named Bortoranamaghatrisdical, was so furious with this witty comeback that his anus grew to the size of a large high school, and exploded, covering the crew in arse crust.
Bortoranamaghatrisdical's fellow pimps advanced angrily on Elizabeth, but before they could cut off her dick, she announced,
"I want to speak to your Captain. Hmph."
The Pimps scratched their heads, confused.
"Captain Hmph?"
"But he died 10 years ago!"
"I distinctly heard that she wanted to speak to Captain Hmph!"
"Does that mean he's still alive??"
"What if it's all a sham?!"
"What's a sham?"
"Like a conspiracy or something."
"What's a conspiracy?!"
"A plot!"
"Maybe Captain Hmph is dead because of a plot!"
"But she just said he was alive!"
"She didn't actually SAY that!"
"Yeah, she just said she wanted to SPEAK with Captain Hmph!"
"Not 'Captain Hmph is alive'!"
"But he IS alive!"
"No, Captain Hmph is DEAD!"
"No! He's alive!"
"Then where is he?!"
"I have AIDS!!"
Awkward silence.
"FELLOW PIMPS," boomed a voice from the back.
The gibbering halted, and everybody turned around.
There, Elizabeth saw the worst dressed pimp that she had ever seen.
Whiplash Bill stood in a spotlight, in all his distasteful fashion glory.
He was wearing a set of purple robes, trimmed with golden fluff, a set of white gloves with ruby studs set in them, a pimp purple hat and a bright, pink, fluffy feather that boasted pimpness. He also wore a silver chain and a big bit o' bling that read PIMP4EVA on it, and matching dollar sign glasses.
Then our heroine said something that everybody could agree with then and there,
''What poor animal had to die to make you look this bad?''
Whiplash Bill, a proud yet sensitive pimp, ran crying inconsolably back into his cabin, upon which all the 'splendour' of his pimpness had now been ruined.
...
A/N: Awesome! Now all we need are reviews!
:P
mmnuts and teddyfuck