Disclaimer: story=mine. twilight=not mine.

Chapter Seven: Aenima

Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines. (mjk)

BPOV:

I turned the knobs in the shower up fully to the hottest setting and stepped in slowly, letting the cascade of pounding water wash over me and soften the knots in my back and the tightness in my shoulders. The tenseness that had physically affected me was not due to the somewhat compromising position I'd found myself in upon awaking this morning, nor was it because of the fact that I'd slept in the cold forest rather than tucked away in the plush queen size bed I was shamefully getting used to. Walking into the Cullen house with Edward by my side when we had been missing all night … well, it wasn't the easiest of situations to explain. Dr. Cullen's fuming mannerisms and rigid body language confirmed that he sure as hell expected an explanation. But neither Edward or I seemed exactly privy as to how to gently approach the task of letting our foster father know that we had been spending nearly every single night in each other's company.

Not that the company was really something that anyone should be worried about. I mean, for Christ's sake, last night was the first real conversation we'd ever had. But although we'd never verbally discussed the matter, both of us seemed to understand that the nature of our relationship was not something we should go talking about to everyone. Because it was too fucking weird. The only thing we had in common was silence and cigarettes.

And now, well, music … but only in the vaguest of terms. We'd both always known, I'm sure, in one respect or another, that each of us were musically inclined. Edward was definitely more cryptic about it, as he wouldn't even tell me his favorite song, and even failed to recognize that being a music fan is a pretty a-typical trademark of any average person. He was a bit arrogant … as if I didn't know that already. But his arrogance didn't turn me off, as I had initially expected it to. Instead, I wanted to prove him wrong, and smooth his cynicism aside and prove to him that maybe not everything was as fucked up as he believed it to be.

Which was really fucking crazy considering that I myself was quite fond of my conviction that the world at large sucks and people are generally self-serving and naive and inherently diabolical. But something inside of me was almost desperately wanting Edward to not feel the same. I wanted him to see the world in a fairer light. As I lifted my face up toward the pounding water, I thought again of his eyes; those shocking green eyes. I thought because they were so beautiful, everything they see should be equally as beautiful.

But, regardless of all of these revelations that I was currently reveling in, Edward and I still had to face Dr. Cullen when we came home from the woods this morning. And he was not pleased. Relieved, I think, that we were unharmed, but definitely not happy that we had spent the night away from home. And all of his anger was fixated with unwavering ferocity on Edward.

"This is absolutely unacceptable," Dr. Cullen seethed as soon as we had walked into the door. "Bella, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, which was true, all things considered. I looked over at Edward, and his face was a hardened mask, although I could detect a faint shudder of irritation from his features. "We went for a walk and got turned around in the woods. I'm sorry if you were worried."

"It's okay, Bella, just as long as you're unharmed." Dr. Cullen turned and looked at me intently and I thought he was examining me, making sure no apparent physical damage had been done. I was embarrassed, as I was really not used to having someone be so obviously concerned with my well being.

I glanced over at Edward, his face still hardened and expressionless. I wanted him to say something, anything, when suddenly, it hit me. He didn't want Dr. Cullen to know what we were doing. No one knew about our evenings; no one knew about our silent conversations and our newly acquired verbal one. I was crushed by the truth. Edward didn't want anyone to know. And if I were being even more honest with myself, I couldn't rightly blame him. He had a girlfriend, one who would surely be displeased if she knew about how much time Edward and I spent together. Of course, there was really nothing for her to be angry or jealous about: she had him completely, and I had heard the vocal evidence of that. Thinking of it again made me shudder, which made both Edward and Dr. Cullen look at me. I couldn't bear to try to further analyze either of their expressions, so I gave a half smile and made my way up the stairs.

As I opened the door to my room, I heard the beginnings of heated conversation coming from where I'd left them, but I decided I was too exhausted to try to listen to it. So I grabbed my things and made my way into a very long and semi fulfilling shower.

A few hours later, I had resigned myself to completing some of the History homework I had seriously and explicitly ignored, when there was a knock at my door. Bracing myself for conversation with Alice, I called out, "Come in," to the person who stood outside of my bedroom door.

But much to my surprise, Dr. Cullen opened the door and peeked his head through. "May I come in?" I answered him with a short nod, already feeling a wave of discomfort pulsate through me. I had conveniently avoided a lot of conversation with Dr. Cullen thus far, as I wasn't too keen on growing close with adults, especially those who reigned temporary custody over me. As every situation I had been in had been just that, temporary, it was more tactful and comfortable for all parties involved if I just kept my wary distance. But something told me that Dr. Cullen was not one of those adults that I could sidestep or ignore; something told me he wanted me comfortable in a way that was outside of my usual comfort zone.

"I'd like to know how you're adjusting, Bella," he said, closing the door behind him and leaning his back against it. "I know you've had somewhat of a rough time in the past, with other homes, but I want to reiterate that this home, the Cullen home, is now as much yours as it is any of ours. I know all the rest of it may take some getting used to … but in every sense, Bella, this is your home."

I studied the beautiful man's face quietly for a moment. Dr. Cullen, in the span of two weeks, had already proven himself to be far more accommodating and parental than any of the other foster parents I'd lived with in the past. And as much as I tried to be cautious of it, I found myself knowing and utterly believing that he truly meant every word that he said. Dr. Cullen wasn't on some God mission by taking in foster children, nor was he doing it to receive an extra monthly check in the mail when the time came. He was doing this solely out of the good nature of his heart, and the thought of living under someone's roof who was so thoughtful and generous nearly brought tears to my eyes.

But I held them back, and merely smiled and nodded in response.

"Good," he said, nodding with me, his brow settling slightly. "There's just one more thing I'd like to talk with you about, if you don't mind." I nodded again, giving him the okay to go forward. "Edward wouldn't really dispel any details about the how's and why's of your spending the night in the woods, and I'm not going to press the matter with you, either. Now, I know Edward can be quite difficult, and though I love him like he were my own, he does have the tendency to commit rash and spiteful acts. It is unfortunate that he is prone to such behavior, as he is such a gifted and intelligent boy. But he doesn't let many people get too close to him, and those that do, he eventually pushes away with some vindictive devise."

He paused, letting this sink in, and he shook his head, as if he were ashamed of what he was saying. "I know I may sound overly critical of my son, but I just want you to be careful. It is very important to me that you are able to find yourself comfortable and at peace here, and I would hate for anything, or anyone, to disrupt that transition."

I was overwhelmed with a tidal wave of mixed emotions. Firstly, I wanted to thank Dr. Cullen for being so goddamn nice to me in the first place, and for thinking of my comfort and of my well being. Then, I wanted to scream and give him the middle finger for thinking that I was so fucking fragile and that I couldn't take care of myself against whatever cruel intentions Edward may or may not have. And lastly, and this was what threw me off the most, lastly I wanted to defend Edward with everything I had in me, and shove Dr. Cullen's pretentious misgivings right back in his face and make him understand that maybe because people thought of him this way and treated him this way, Edward was just in the midst of some self fulfilling prophecy. It was these fucking self righteous and hypocritical assholes who judge and over criticize that make people vindictive. Although I had nothing tangible to prove it to me, I could in no way believe that Edward would ever do anything deliberate to hurt me.

But I didn't say any of this. I couldn't say any of this.

"Thank you for your concern, Dr. Cullen," I said politely. "Edward seems like an okay guy. I think it'll be fine."

"Alright then," he said, moving his hand over the doorknob. "I know you're quite self sufficient, and I hope I didn't step on any toes. Just know that you can come to me, always, whenever and if ever you need anything."

I smiled and nodded my head at him and watched him walk out the door. As soon as I was alone I flopped flat on my back and pulled a pillow over my face. I wanted to scream. Who was Edward Cullen, really? And why was he so much a focus of everything; the center to this churning storm?

One thing was certain: Dr. Cullen's warnings would in no way dissuade me. I was going to find out who Edward Cullen really was, and I was going to do it soon.

Fate, though, as it often does, had other plans.

***

I spent the entire rest of the day holed up in my bedroom, trying to devise a not too obvious way of truly befriending Edward. At six, I left to start dinner for the family, part one of my nightly routine. As it always was, this night's dinner was attended by Dr. Cullen, Alice, and Jasper, and we held brief and casual conversation as I served a tomato bisque soup with salad. My uninspired dinner was probably a reflection of my mood: I was only too eager to get this part out of the way so I could go outside and wait for Edward to meet me.

But he never came.

I waited for nearly four hours. The last hour I'd long ago ran out of cigarettes, but I couldn't bring myself to leave, so sure that he would then come sauntering up with that lazy half smile on his face and his headphones to his ears.

When I finally realized and accepted he wasn't coming I felt my throat close up and my chin started quivering, though I in no way wanted to let myself feel the stings of rejection by someone who wasn't even available to reject me in the first place. I made myself remember Rosalie, though I really hadn't seen her all that much lately, and I imprinted her physical perfection like a bitter stamp in my mind so I would never again forget the person Edward chose to be with.

Though I managed to avoid the onslaught of tears, I couldn't avoid it all. Thinking of the likelihood that Edward and Rosalie were probably together, my heart started to pound incessantly, and my breathing wavered, and the panic overtook me without warning and sentiment. I crouched from my seat on the bench and curled in fetal position, allowing myself the moment to ride it out. I thought of the Xanax I had securely tucked away in my bag, and pulled myself back up, willing the self control to quiet the sobs long enough to make it through the house without letting anyone know what was going on.

Once I'd made it safely into my room and had swallowed my drug of choice, I decided to try and avoid the mirror tonight, as I didn't want to risk running into Rosalie or Edward while in the midst of this state. Instead, I undressed and curled myself under the covers. Once the numbness spread from my abdomen out into my limbs I let myself revel in the calmness that was now overwhelming me, instead of the maddening bitterness that was crushing me before.

Exhausted from the tears and my chest aching from all the cigarettes and sobs, I let myself think one last thought of Edward. Knowing what it would take for me to figure him out, more than the story of his background or his parents or where he came from. If I could somehow find out what his song was, his favorite song, then I believed I would finally have him figured out. Somehow, I thought, that had to be the key.

But Edward avoided me as thoroughly as he did that very first day. He stopped riding to school with Alice and I, and I could only assume he got a ride from Rosalie or Emmett. He missed three days of Creative Writing and came stumbling in on the fourth day the very second the bell rang.

I had only gone out to our bench one last time before realizing that Edward was never going to come again, and before I let the panic of this realization swallow me whole, I turned my music louder and made a resolution to find something else to occupy my time. I buried myself in my school work; fully absorbing myself in my History and Algebra homework as a way of distracting myself from thinking about the obvious.

Creative Writing homework, however, was a different story entirely. Because thinking of that class only made me think of him and the fact that he had not been there for over half of the week. When I sat down to write, the only clear image that I could focus on was of Edward's face. Sometimes they were brief memories of him; like the way his eyes peacefully glaze over whenever he's listening to something that seems to really move him, or the way he face pulled and showed signs of distress when he realized we were lost in the woods.

It was that night, I think, that must have really changed everything for us. I got too close, or he got too close, or we got too close … And though I tried not to let myself focus too intently on the memory of waking up with his arms wrapped around me, I felt as though it was impossible to ignore. Although it had momentarily caught me off guard, waking up I had felt so warm and safe and comfortable. And maybe that crossed a line in Edward's book, which would make some sort of sense, as he did have a girlfriend and all. But that morning … he really didn't seem to mind, and it was he that had made the decision to hold me in the first place …

But regardless of all of these factors, on that fourth day, when Edward finally decided to make an appearance in class, I was almost past the point of obsessing over him. Sure, my heart fluttered and my ears and face got hot when I realized he was coming my way to sit in his assigned seat beside me, but I had resolved not to make his presence the sole focus of my day. I thought of what Dr. Cullen had said, and how he warned me to keep my distance from Edward, and for the first time, I wondered if I should take his advice.

He took his seat without ever once looking over at me, and I clenched my fists in front of me as to steady myself from having a reaction. Although I tried not to look over at him, I did notice he did not have his notebook out in front of him as he usually did. His focus was purely and intently on leaning as far away from me as possible; that much was obvious. My throat burned with pent up tears, and I wished for this hour to go by quickly.

With all the resolve I had left, I turned all of my attention back to Mr. Banner, who was standing at the front of the class.

"Now that it seems as though we have our even number of students back," Mr. Banner said, throwing a very pointed look in Edward's direction, "I am very excited to announce the final project for the semester. I know it's still early to be thinking about that sort of thing for many of you, but this project is based on an intensive collaboration of sorts. With your partner, I'd like to see a completely cohesive and collaborative piece form fluidly from the both of you. The medium can be whatever you choose: poetry, prose, fiction … anything that is based in some sort of literary genre. I will give you more details when the deadline approaches, but for now, I'd like you to meet with your partner and discuss what type of writing form you'd like to explore together."

I sat very very still. I knew I had heard all of Mr. Banner's instructions correctly, but I momentarily doubted whether or not I could believe the validity of my own ears. I heard people start to partner up, and their excited voices moved about me as they discussed how they would go about doing this final project together. I could feel the right side of my face start to burn up and I knew Edward was looking at me, expecting me to do something. I decided I would do all I could to be tactful.

"Okay," I said, my voice coming up much stronger than I'd expected, "so we have to do this project together. What would be the best thing for us to collaborate on?"

But he just sat there, staring me. I willed my face not to get any hotter and for my skin not to get any redder, but it was beyond my control. Those green eyes could do whatever they wanted to my skin, and it made the rest of me boil with anger.

"Edward? Do you have an opinion on the matter? Look, I know it's not the most ideal of situations, us working together, but we have to make the most of it. Maybe I could just do my part and you could do your part separately and then when it's due we can just throw it together."

He sighed, finally breaking eye contact from me. I breathed a deep sigh of relief as the pressure from his stare left me.

"No," he said, in almost a whisper. "It's fine. We can do this project together."

"Okay then." I couldn't help it: I hadn't heard the sound of his voice in so long, it made my heart leap. How fucking embarrassing. "So we don't have all the details on the project yet, but do you know what you want to work on?"

He just shook his head slowly, and then he was staring at me all over again. "I'm sorry," he said, his words coming out a bit strangled. "I'm sorry for taking you out in the woods that night. It wasn't right."

His words surprised me so much my head flew up in response. "That's what you're sorry for?" I said, almost too loudly. "Of all things, you're sorry for that?"

"What else would I have to be sorry for?"

"God, Edward." The frustration was rising inside me as fast and steadily as bile. "If you need me to tell you, then it's not even worth it."

Mr. Banner called everyone's attention back to the front of the class, and so I had to push down all of the anger that was mounting and suppress it for the rest of the class period. Although Edward didn't spend the entire time staring at me, I did catch him sneak a few glimpses my way, but I made sure never to make eye contact. I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction.

When the bell rang, it was me who jumped from my seat and bolted to the exit, not him this time. But what little it mattered anyway, because he very quickly caught up with me.

"Hey," he said, a bit breathless. I kept my pace fast and strategic, with my head placed firmly forward. "Hey!" he said again, this time stepping in front of me, forcing me to stop straight in my tracks.

"Look," he said, he mouth turning down slightly. "I'm not very good at this, okay? And you're right, I probably do have a lot more to be sorry for, but that was just the first thing that came to mind."

"Do you want me to give you the list?"

He smiled, which made most of my anger dissipate. "You have a list?"

"Yeah. It's not too long … I'm sure your girlfriend's is much longer."

"My girlfriend?" he said, shock and aggravation plainly vivid in his tone. "Who the fuck is my girlfriend?"

"Rosalie," I said forcefully, because for some reason, I was starting to feel really stupid, like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Maybe I wasn't supposed to know about Rosalie? If I did know, would he think I was crazy? No … we lived together … it was more than fucking obvious.

He came suddenly closer to me, until his face was mere inches away from mine and his honey sweet breath was filling my lungs. I felt momentarily light headed, as if I were going to pass out from exhaustion or euphoria. He eyes moved back and forth, searching mine, until we were utterly lost in each other's stares. We weren't at school anymore; we weren't in the courtyard with hundreds of kids walking around us with the sounds of bells whistling and teachers yelling. We were completely alone, him and I, in this strange and weirdly intimate moment.

"Rosalie," he said, the smell of him everywhere, "is not my girlfriend."

"Okay," I whispered, my head still spinning. He was still so close I could touch him, and I realized my hand was lifting, as if possessed by the need to discover what his skin felt like against my palm.

But he moved away very quickly, and then we were back at school, and the intimacy was gone.

"I'll see you tonight," he said, backing away from me. "By the way, what are you making for dinner?"

That question completely took me off guard, as Edward had never once been in attendance when I'd made dinner. "Um, mushroom ravioli, I think."

"Sounds good," he said, a smile lighting up his face. "See you then." And then he was gone, absorbed into the sea of teenagers and teachers. My heartbeat hitched as it belatedly dawned on me that Edward was going to be eating dinner, my dinner, tonight. After four days of not talking, he had made the decision to completely change our routine.

But more than that: Edward and Rosalie were not a couple. I couldn't decide how to feel about that for the moment, so I just let myself feel what came naturally: pure and totally unjustified relief.

A/N: So I really want to thank everyone who has been sticking by this story and for all the incredible amount of patience you all have shown. It means a lot. I had a freakishly busy last couple of weeks, and I have quite a demanding semester ahead, so I will warn you that my updating will probably not be as frequent as I would like. I will NOT abandon this story, I can promise you that much, so if you stick with it, I'll stick with it.

I kept this chapter all BPOV, so that's why it's a little short. Chapter 8 will be all Edward … and there really is some crazy shit going through that boy's head. But it's starting … the connection is starting …

Love to all … hopefully chapter 8 will be up by the end of this week. Give me inspiration with reviews?