OMG. what say you, an update so soon? Edward really wanted his turn to talk, is all. A/N after chapter.

Chapter Eight: Lateralus

feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
reaching out to embrace the random.
reaching out to embrace whatever may come. (mjk)

EPOV:

I knew I had a lot of things I should be sorry for. I knew my apologies should go out to a number of different individuals, some whose names I couldn't even think without my insides getting all twisted up. Sometimes I would slip up, and really think of my mother, of how after my father left we became an inseparable team, so close no one could could interrupt or break the tightly woven bonds her and I had formed.

I would think of her waiting for me at the bus stop after school, or the way she would slip notes or poems in my lunch sack. I would think of the way the cancer hit her as quickly and unsentimental as a plane crash; the disease slamming into her insides, leaving her as thin and as frail as an Ethiopian child. I would sit at her bedside and read to her from some of her favorite books, and she would brush the hair off my forehead and make herself smile even though she knew she was dying.

At the end, when she had lost all the energy to speak, all of the anger she had about things she could not say would flash with horrified oppression in her eyes. Then the social workers would be as ever present as the doctors, talking in condescending hushed tones, trying to make sure that I really did not have any other family. Even as a twelve year old boy, I knew my mother was not going to go in peace because she was consumed with worry about where I was going to end up; about who was going to take care of me after she was gone.

And for that, for that I was so sorry. In my mother's final hour, with her last breath and when that last light left her eyes, she was frightened and worried about my well being. She hated herself for leaving me. And I could never bring myself to ever feel even the slightest amount of anger at her, only at myself for having made her last days and weeks and months more difficult for her than it should have been. She should have only concentrated on getting better. Instead, she made herself even more sick with the worry that somehow, I was not going to be okay.

Maybe I wasn't okay at first. Still reeling from the death of my mother, I was thrust into a group home with over a dozen other lost or unwanted kids. It was not the worst, I knew it could have been worse, but it was there where I vowed to never completely open myself up to anyone ever again. If losing my mother had taught me anything, it had taught me only to be self reliant. People leave, fathers leave, and mothers die. If the two people you were supposed to depend on since birth could abandon you, either willingly or unwillingly, then the rest of the human population had to be completely for shit.

So I lost myself in myself, and turned to no one and befriended no one. I got in a few fights, when people got too close; one fight that left me with a jagged and twisted scar that I have on my lower left abdomen. I know Rosalie had seen it before, but she never asked me about it. Maybe Carlisle had told her: he knew just about all of the specifics when it came to my time in the system. But not how it affected me. Not the real specifics; not the shit that mattered. Never told that to anyone.

So maybe I should be feeling guilty toward Carlisle too, since he took me in and gave me the closest resemblance to home I'd ever found. Maybe he had put up with a lot of my shit, and maybe he was just trying to do what was best. For me. For Bella.

Because he didn't trust me. And why should he? I'd only proven my indifference over the years; my lack of compassion. I'd said please and thank you and walked that straight and narrow but when it came down to it I was never really here. I didn't give a shit about anyone and in turn they didn't give a shit about me.

But I didn't want it to be like that anymore. I felt empty, but also incredibly alive, like I was finally picking at the wounds and not letting the pain just scab over. I was ready to feel again.

But not like this. Not this way.

That night in the woods I had severely let my guard down. I'd opened up; not completely, but more than I should. But the more time I spent with Bella, the less I cared. The talking with her was just as comfortable as the silence. It was weird and confusing and probably a little fucked up, but I liked it. I liked having someone to share a moment with.

I had her sleep with my arms around her, not because I particularly wanted to, but because I didn't want the girl to get pneumonia. And it was fucking hard as hell having that petite little thing curl right up on me without a moment's hesitation and fall right asleep before I could even say goodnight. That goddamn smell of hers was intoxicating, and for a few minutes there I literally tried holding my breath or strictly breathing out of my mouth. But I couldn't hold it, and the temptation to breathe her in was stronger than the creeping urge to wrap my arms around her.

So I did it: I let my guard down and I sucked in that potent, beautiful scent, and the force of it nearly knocked me unconscious, it was that powerful. Her brown hair was right in my face, and the peonies and sage was all over it, and I inhaled deeply, over and over again, absorbing the scent into my system, slowly becoming desensitized. I wanted to press my face in her hair with my eyes shut; I wanted to stroke her hair and admire its silkiness, but that would be wrong, all of it, so I didn't. I almost thought I would get hard with her leaning up against me, but it didn't feel right, not with her completely passed out like that. So I just wrapped my arms around her to prevent any further frostbite and drifted off to sleep, lost in the woods, leaning against a tree.

And I'm so fucking stupid, I thought it all could go back to normal the next day. I thought we could just get along and keep doing our private smoke sessions and let it all just be as it was. And it was more than Carlisle finding out, really. It was just waking up that morning, with Bella in my arms, I had almost forgotten that my walls were erected to be forever kept up. But she felt so warm and soft and she smelled so fucking beautiful that my walls wanted to come crashing down, tumbling down without effort, and I wanted to curl up on the grass beside her and have her stroke my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Maybe it was just the fact that she smelled like my mother. Maybe it was completely fucking with my head. But either way, I felt like sobbing. I felt like completely breaking down right then and there and leaving all the rest of it up to chance. And the really fucking weird thing was: I wasn't sad. I felt a deranged sort of happiness; a happiness that is not factually based and holds no consequence for time or reality. It just exists. It just is. And I felt really fucking happy, waking up that morning in the woods with Bella in my arms for no goddamn reason.

Of course I hid it; of course I didn't show one measure of it. It took me too off guard. What was I to do with this newfound, ridiculous emotion that I really never felt before and therefore had no way of knowing how to channel it? So I stuffed it down. Like I do with all the rest of my emotions. And we walked in silence, back to the house, and I was thinking about asking her more questions. I was thinking I wanted to get to know her better. I was wondering what the rest of her food tasted like, because after all this time, I had still only enjoyed the taste of that motherfucking French toast she'd made, and I had a feeling she was a really amazing cook. But the craziest thing was, I wanted to know about where she'd come from. And I usually didn't give two dimes about where anyone came from. Because asking someone about their past just invites them to turn the tables back on me. And I could never handle that before. But at that moment, walking home with Bella, I really believed that I could.

But I hadn't anticipated Carlisle's reaction. I hadn't anticipated that he would be really fucking angry, because he really doesn't let much bother him. But he was livid. He didn't show it in front of Bella, of course, as none of it was really her fault, and he seemed to understand that. I knew he was furious with me. As soon as Bella had left the room he'd let me have it, warning me not to take advantage of her and not to toy with her emotions because she'd been through a lot.

"I've seen you do this before, Edward," he'd warned, his voice thick with judgment and parental disapproval, "and I will not have you mistreat Bella in any shape or form. Do you understand me?"

I did, of course, because he knew what he was talking about. I'd befriended Alice early on; she was uncomplicated and full of energy, and it was a welcome relief from the turmoil I'd experienced at my last home. But as soon as she got too close, as soon as she started asking too many questions, I'd exploded, completely turning on her, leaving her completely vulnerable and unable to trust me for nearly a year after that.

Similar issues had risen with Rosalie. Our connection was always purely physical from the start, but when she pushed the emotional boundaries, which she tried to do after only a couple weeks of us screwing, I'd exploded again, and this time left a hole in my wall from my fist. Carlisle had a right to be wary of my reactions; he had a right not to trust me around the people he brought into his home.

I didn't say anything to him; I barely let myself have a reaction. Although I had eventually been forgiven by Alice for how I'd treated her, I didn't want to be responsible for treating Bella that way. I couldn't do that to her. Just as I had felt before, I was overwhelmed with a surge of protectiveness, but again, it was a desire to protect her from myself.

So I did what I thought was best: I avoided her. Fueled by Carlisle's reaction, I made myself keep a safe and steady distance. If it happened now, if I pulled away from her now before I got too close, then no one would get hurt. I wouldn't explode, Bella wouldn't ask questions, and everything that had happened would just fade away into nothingness.

But it didn't exactly worked out as I'd planned. Because although I stopped going to our spot at night, and I stopped going to school even, I couldn't bring myself to completely stay away. The first night I didn't meet her outside for our shared silence and cigarettes, I crawled up to the roof of the house and watched her. I felt a little stalkerish, perched up there, watching her wait for me, but I couldn't bring myself to turn away. Eventually, though, it became more than I could bear, as Bella ran out of cigarettes and still sat there, waiting. Maybe she wasn't waiting. Maybe she was just enjoying the night. But I felt like an asshole and I couldn't watch her anymore. I climbed down and went into the safety of my bedroom.

Two nights and two desperate days later, I came home from a long and blinded walk in the woods to find Rosalie sitting on top of my desk. I was worn and tired and hungry and almost completely emotionless, so seeing her sitting there did nothing but fuel my exhaustion.

"Hello Edward," she said, a sly smile spreading on her face. "How have you been? Haven't seen you much lately."

"Busy," I muttered, turning away from her and flopping on my bed. Whatever Rosalie had in store for me, I really wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to blast my music and focus very intently on not thinking.

"Yeah, I can see that," she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes in the process. "Look, Edward, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. So can you please, at least pretend to listen."

"I'm all ears, Rosalie," I said without really meaning it.

"Okay, well here it is. Lately, I've been getting closer with somebody. With Emmett, actually. We've been spending a lot of time together, and he's actually a really great guy." She sighed, flipping her hair like she always did when she is nervous or frustrated. "We've been … seeing each other; dating, I guess, is the more appropriate term. I really like him, Edward." She paused, and I sat up and ran my hands through my hair.

"And why the fuck are you telling me this?"

"Because, Edward!" She stood, and for the first time in forever, it occurred to me that Rose wasn't just my fuck buddy; wasn't just some unemotional shell. She was a person; she was a girl. And I realized that this was my problem with everyone: I put them into some unjustified box and category, trapping them into this oddly fit position as to how I saw them in my life. And it wasn't fair, none of it. I was an asshole, and I knew it.

"Because I'm happy, and Emmett cares about me, and I thought you should know. Because I want you to be happy, because I think you deserve it. After all this time, after everything that's happened between us, I realized how right you were the other day. What we had wasn't real, and I think we've both known that for a long time now. But you were the one smart enough to break it off. But now Edward … now I'm ready for something real in my life. And that's okay!" She stopped, and took a deep breath, and it suddenly dawned on me that this was the most honest Rosalie had ever been with me in all my years of knowing her.

"I just … thought you should know," she said, her voice becoming soft again. She stood, turning to leave, but she hesitated when she got to my door. "I meant what I said, Edward. I want you to be happy."

"I don't know what the fuck that means."

She turned to face me, remorse clearly visible on her face. "I think you do. I think it's right in front of you Edward." She shook her head, and hesitantly smiled. "I heard about the woods … about you and Bella."

My head snapped up, and every vile and disrespectful thing I'd ever thought about Rosalie came tumbling back to the surface. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"I know," she said, not letting my tone affect her. "But still. I think it's good for you." She gave me one last smile, and stepped out of my room, closing the door behind her.

***

Two nights later, I was sitting at the dining room table, which had been lengthened for all the guests it was accommodating, waiting for Bella's dinner. She was in the kitchen with Alice, putting on those final preparations, I guessed, and I was seated with Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper. It was a family affair, and no one was making any conversation. Rosalie and Emmett were sitting beside one another, talking in low whispers, their heads nuzzled side by side. It was enough to make me want to vomit, but not because I was jealous, it was just pretty embarrassing, for all of us that were non-coupled still sitting there.

Jasper and Alice were also a couple, of course- but they had been together for a long time now and therefore knew how to handle themselves in social gatherings. Rosalie and Emmett were quite obviously in the euphoric "new couple" stage. It made my heart sink, but for reasons that had nothing at all to do with Rose.

I hadn't seen Bella since school today, and I had decided to walk home instead of taking a ride with Alice. I had thought about the obvious awkwardness that had ensued because of my absence, and wondered what kind of effect, if any, it had had on her. She was pissed though, and wasn't shy about showing it.

But it had thrown me for a loop that she had thought that Rosalie was my girlfriend. I didn't know she had assumptions about me, but then I suppose she had heard the sounds of our sex the first day she got here, so it was likely that she would make some sort of distinction. I had never belabored that issue, although I now realized I should have given it more consideration. I had dispelled the idea that Rosalie and I were a couple, probably leaving Bella to think that we just used each other for sex. Which, while it was happening, wasn't too far from the truth-but I knew I didn't want Bella to think of me like that. That pissed me off even further, since in actuality, that was who I was. At least where Rose was concerned.

"So," Jasper said, breaking the quiet. I looked him over, the guy who had stolen my sister's heart. He was a pretty good guy- soft spoken, intelligent without being pretentious, and completely enamored with Alice. I wondered why finding a connection with someone and letting that person in is easier for some people than others. It was a stupid thought-it was just hard for me. Hard because I make it hard. "Anybody know what's on the menu for tonight?"

"Mushroom ravioli," I said, which of course made everyone turn to me and stare.

"You talked to Bella about dinner?" Carlisle asked, clearly surprised. "This is your first night eating with us, Edward."

"Yeah," I stumbled. "I talked to her after class. Sounded too good to miss, I guess."

"Well, it's our first time eating her dinner too," Rosalie drawled, eyes still locked on Emmett. They were officially grossing me out with their unhidden love fest. "Couldn't hide away forever, now could we, Em?"

"You know I don't have a problem with that, babe," Emmett said, massaging Rosalie's back.

I stood abruptly, knocking my chair over in the process. "I'm going to see if they need any help in there." And I got the fuck out of that love nest as fast as I could.

I peaked my head through the kitchen door and saw Bella and Alice huddled over the stove, their heads close together, talking in apparent whispers. I watched them for a moment before I made my presence known, stupidly realizing that my sister and Bella had formed a friendship without me realizing it. I had been so stuck in my head-so twisted up in my own little world for so long that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. Pathetic.

I cleared my throat, and they both whirled around, startled by the intrusion. Alice smiled, but Bella adverted her eyes, turning back to the dish in front of her. "Jasper's looking for an ETA," I said. Keep it light, don't be an idiot.

"Oh for God's sake," Alice said, playfully rolling her eyes. "I'll be right back, Bella."

I stood in the same spot when Alice left, considering what I should do. Probably what I said I was going to come in here and do in the first place.

"Need some help with that?" I said, slowly walking up behind her.

She looked at me from over her shoulder, her brown eyes unintentionally seductive under those thick, black lashes of hers. "Why? You have some sort of expertise in the kitchen?"

I felt newly confident, as if this lightness to our conversation had suddenly given me the balls I thought I'd lost. I came closer, until I was standing right next to her, nearly as close as she and Alice had been. "Not really," I said, smirking at her. "But I can eat among the best of them."

"Hah!" She laughed loudly. "That's bullshit-I've never seen you eat a thing. I swear one day I'm going to find you grazing outside on the grass like a cow."

She was teasing me. She was fucking teasing me. No girl, beside Alice, had ever lightly teased me. Realizing this, I realized something else, something far more pertinent: we were flirting. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan were engaged in flirting. That weird and fucked happy feeling I'd had that morning in the woods didn't just creep back, it swelled inside of me. I felt really lame, but for the first time, I didn't really fucking care.

"Are you calling me a cow?" I said, raising my eyebrows at her. She raised hers back at me, and smirked into her ravioli.

"If the name fits …"

"Well," I said, and suddenly, we were even closer, and I couldn't remember who had inched forward, me or her; but then I thought it must have been her, as she was no longer facing her ravioli but directly facing me. We were thisclose to one another; our noses practically touched. Her smell was invading all of my senses, and without my consent my dick throbbed. I was hard and pulsing under my jeans, and until this point, I hadn't even realized I was sexually attracted to Bella.

"Well?" she whispered, and it felt like she was even closer, if it were possible to get any closer without actually touching. My right arm moved from my side and I braced myself against the kitchen counter. I wanted to kiss her. I had never wanted to kiss a girl before; I had only wanted to fuck girls. But Bella, this Bella Swan, I wanted to kiss.

I looked down at her lips and they were quivering slightly, and I understood that she wanted me to kiss her too. They were parted somewhat and her full bottom lip stuck out in anticipation. She was peonies and sage and nutmeg all over and I wanted to know what it tasted like; I wanted to take Bella into my mouth and never fucking let her go.

Her little pink tongue darted out and she licked her lips, and she was so close, I could almost taste her. Her hand lifted and then her hand was on top of mine; her fingers draped over my knuckles ever so lightly and I swear to fucking God there was electricity to her touch. My dick pulsed again, and we were so close, she might have felt it.

"Well," I whispered, and finally my lips were touching hers, and the electricity that illuminated from her hands was also present on her mouth. We weren't yet fully kissing, as my lips just delicately brushed against hers. But I was fucking savoring this moment; so in awe that I was capable of not only just feeling, but feeling this. The most unexpected of the unexpected. Her fingers jerked on top of my hand, and I knew she was just as eager as I was.

"OH!" someone said shrilly, and Bella and I both instinctively pulled away from each other. Fuck you Alice.

She was standing in the kitchen doorway, her hand covering her mouth in unmasked surprise. All the anticipation and hormones that had just been coursing through me had now been immediately replaced with undiluted annoyance, and a twinge of regret. I looked over at Bella, and she was back in front of the stove, mindlessly whisking the pasta sauce as if nothing had happened. Her ears were pink, which was the only giveaway that she was a little embarrassed.

"What's going on, Edward?" Alice demanded, obviously protective over her new best friend.

"Nothing, Alice," Bella answered for me, turning around to face us both. "It was just a weird moment." She looked away from Alice, and looked me directly in the eye. "A moment that's passed."

I'm sure my face showed it all, but I willed the self control to not do or say something I would regret. But I couldn't help it. "Fucking gone," I said with venom. I saw Bella flinch and I saw that she maybe didn't mean it in the way that I was taking it, but it was too late. It was all said and done.

I went out the side door to the backyard and took a cigarette out. Part of me wanted to stay on the bench and wait for her, but the rest of me, that residual, eternally pissed off part, couldn't deal. I went out into the woods, down the same path Bella and I had taken a few nights ago.

But as pissed off as I was; as pissed as I was at Alice for walking in on us and at Bella for basically saying it was a potential mistake, I was more pissed off at myself. There were a lot of reasons, and probably a lot of things I should be sorry for, but the only thing I could think about was how fucking starving I was. But dinner was at home, where Bella was, and it was her dinner. And at this point, there was no going back.

A/N: First and foremost, THANK YOU to everyone who has read and reviewed. I'm so sorry if I haven't responded, and I was actually going to do so today, but then I got caught up in this chapter. I love you x 9893434736 though, I swear.

So, this chapter wasn't supposed to be up till this weekend. But then I thought: I should split this chapter up, so that's what I did. Because there's a shitload going on here, at least in my opinion. Like ... almost kiss?! It makes me slightly giddy.

Next chapter: possibly mixed POV's … but heavy on the dialogue. More on Bella's past (including exes) and slightly more on Edward's. Also, more Alice, because she's been too absent thus far and I need to flesh her out. ANDDD where's Esme, you say? Stay tuned …

OH, and yes, all of my chapter titles and corresponding quotes are all from Tool songs. As mentioned before, Tool is the only band that Edward listens to. Why? It just fit my vision of him. It's heavy shit, and that's his cup o' tea. Favorite song? Hopefully Bella can uncover that one …