I just want to give a big thank you to all of you who have taken the time out of your lives to read my stories, and and extra big thank you to those who have taken the time and effort to give me feedback. I appreciate it more than you can know.
When i first started writing House ff, I thought no one would want to read my take on these characters, and I am pleased to know I was wrong. It also makes me very happy to hear that I am getting the characters right. That means a lot to me and is the thing I worry about most. So thank you for your encouragement and I wish you all a very happy and healthy new year. (I will hopefully have another chap or two posted by then, but thought I'd say it just in case. It is a busy time of year and I find it hard to write regularly through most of December.)
This was intended to be the final chapter, but I very much like the idea Cuddy proposes to House at the end of it, so I will prattle on as I always do, and just hope at least some of you will follow me down the winding path that is Huddy (in my eyes).
Cheers, and Happy New Year and now back to the story.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
House stood in the doorway. He had walked her to her door, trying to find a way to avoid going inside. He wanted her. That wasn't the problem. That had never been the problem. The problem was, he cared about her. Sleeping with Cuddy wouldn't be just sex. It wasn't something he'd be able to pretend hadn't happened. They tried that once and it took years to get back to the way they were.
"Come in," she said, holding his hand and leading him over the threshold.
House stumbled into the house. It was warm and smelled of roses. A bouquet sat perfectly in the center of a side table. "Who got you those?" House snapped with jealousy.
"I did." She was casually tossing her keys into the small bowl beside the flowers.
"Why?" House wrinkled his nose at the idea.
"I like roses." She was aware of his jealousy, and felt pleased.
House walked over to the antique bar and searched the cabinet for something to drink. "Why are you doing this?"
"What am I doing?" Cuddy had turned on some soft music and fired up the gas fireplace.
"Trying to seduce me." He poured out two glasses.
Cuddy laughed. "I don't have to try House." She came over slowly and removed one glass from his hand, her fingers lingering over his until he pulled away.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked again. He took a long sip from his whiskey and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
"Because one of us has to, and you obviously won't." She took his cane gently out of his hand and leaning toward him, placed it against the table he'd made their drinks on. He could smell her hair; it smelled tropical, like an ocean breeze on a deserted island.
"I have self control," he boasted, realizing as her hand slid down his chest and over his butterfly infested stomach that she was about to discover that he did not have self control.
"Really?" She whispered into his ear as her hand discovered his secret.
House gulped nervously. He was out of control and a part of him liked it. He chugged the remaining liquid out of his glass and wished he could reach the bottle. She was testing his willpower.
Cuddy pressed her lips against his neck. The muscles there were tense as she massaged them with her mouth. She didn't want him to be tense, but she knew he would be. She knew he was scared. House had always been afraid to be happy. She didn't know why, but she had noticed that whenever happiness snuck around to surprise him he screamed and ran away.
"Just relax," she purred against his moist flesh. She felt him shiver against her involuntarily. She also felt his arm wrap slowly around her waist. For a moment she thought he might just be trying to hold himself up, but as his hand slid down the small of her back she realized he was standing on his own and had a very different agenda.
"I am relaxed," he protested just a bit too loudly to be believed.
"Good." She pulled away from him, her hand sliding down his arm until her fingers laced into his own long digits. "Then come with me." She led him down the hall. He knew where they were going. He knew her house well. He had even fantasized, more than once, about being led to her bedchamber in a very similar way to how he was being led now. Only in his fantasies she was usually wearing a French Maid's outfit and he was in a chauffer's uniform, but this was good too.
House followed silently. He was afraid to say a word. He was fighting the urge to say something mean, to ruin the moment and get her to push him away. He wasn't sure where these urges came from or why he couldn't control them. He had wanted this moment for years. He had imagined it in a hundred different ways. This could make him happy. She could make him happy. So why the hell was his mind working overtime to find a way to ruin it?
Cuddy stopped in front of the bed. She turned to him and began to slip off his tie. Then she smiled with a hint of the devil in her eye. House was so distracted by her eyes that he didn't notice her hands, slowly lifting the tie up to his mouth until she was pressing it firmly across his mouth. "That's to stop you from talking." She flashed an angelic little smiled as she slid her hands behind his head.
House mumbled something through his gag but she didn't understand him. He pushed himself against her and pressed his gagged mouth to hers. He could feel her hold on the tie loosening. He could feel her giving in to his kiss.
Her tongue slid past the silk barrier and into his mouth as her hands wrapped around his head, holding the tie firmly in place. His own tongue fought the binding fabric, pushing forcefully against it. She was teasing him with just a small taste of her. He wanted more.
He hadn't noticed her fingers nimbly twisting the tie into knots at the back of his head until she pulled away from him, her hands slipping down his arms, gently forbidding him from removing the gag.
She guided his hands up to the top of her zipper and waited for him to get with the program. When he did, she felt the zipper slip slowly down her back, the cool air rushing in to greet her bare skin. She pressed against him for warmth and he mumbled something else. She just laughed gently, playfully and getting up on her toes, kissed him gently on the cheek.
House guided the dress over her shoulders, his hands lingering against her soft skin. It fell to her hips easily, but he had to help the soft, gentle fabric as she shimmied out of it. He watched it fall to the floor then slowly, lingeringly lifted his eyes up the length of her body. She hadn't been wearing a bra, and her breasts stood out before him, nipples reacting to the sudden feeling of fresh air.
House grinned and felt the tie pulling against his fattened cheeks. He reached his hand back to free himself, wanting desperately to clamp his lips down on those erect nipples, but she slapped his hands and pulled them over her breasts.
House was going to protest, but she had managed to distract him expertly. Now he was more concerned with removing the clothing that kept him from feeling her flesh against his than worrying about the pesky tie that kept his mouth from exploring her round, plump breasts. There was time enough for that later. The urgency in his pants now took precedence.
Cuddy watched him claw at his clothing as if they were suffocating him. It was almost comical watching his lanky body fold in on itself as he pulled at the bottom of his pants. He nearly fell over as he hopped from leg to leg, removing the last of his garments.
Cuddy pulled herself into a more comfortable position as she watched him undress. She was ready and waiting as he stood before her, proudly thrusting his full staff into the air. He was just making his move on the tie when Cuddy got to her knees before him, and pulled his hands around her equally naked body. "Come," she demanded as she pulled him on top of her.
House obeyed, lowering himself carefully on top of her. He felt the need building with every second that ticked by. It had been a few months since he last paid for it, and a good two years since he got it for free. It had been nearly ten years since he'd gotten it from her.
House balanced himself on one arm, ready to pull the tie off quickly and ravage her with kisses before ravaging her with other things. His eyes searched hers. Did she know what he was about to do? Was she going to stop him again?
Without knowing the answers, House moved his arm up quickly and yanked the tie down around his neck. She didn't stop him. She didn't want to. She longed to feel his lips, unencumbered, pressing against her skin. She wanted to feel his hungry mouth sucking at her aching nipples. She wanted to feel his hands burn against her flesh and his manhood thrust deep inside her. She arched her back, inviting him in through her parted legs.
House's mind raced with the past and the present and his fears of the future, all pulling at him, all telling him to stop what he was doing and run home and drown himself in a bottle of booze and pills. The only thing prompting him on was the look of desire in her eyes, and it was the only thing he chose to listen to.
He pulled himself into her without much finesse or the requisite foreplay. He was afraid if he took too long he or she might change their mind. With his eyes closed, his torso resting heavy on his tired arms, he thrust again and again. He could hear her panting and moaning beneath him, feel her fingers tear at his back, her breath heating the sweat now trickling down his chest.
He hoped they would cuddle afterwards, laying in each other arms as their breath fell into a mutual rhythm. But for now, there was no cuddling, no lingering looks or romantic gestures. In this moment there was heat, and passion and a thundering beat in his ears that he tried to match with his hips, thrusting up and down like a dog in heat. It was greedy and visceral and they were both lost in the physical pleasure they shared.
When it was over House rolled onto his back. He was panting heavily, trying to catch his breath. He wasn't an unfit man, but years of booze and drugs kept him from being the vigorously active man he once was. Booze, drugs and the debilitating pain that radiated out from the missing chunk of his thigh. The chuck she had taken out of him.
She felt his eyes on her. It wasn't the way she'd wanted him to look at her. Not now. "Don't say a word," she warned.
House rolled onto his side, facing the wall. His mind was begging her to force him to face her, but he couldn't say it out loud. He didn't want her to know how vulnerable he was right now.
Cuddy lay on her back with her eyes closed. She had known this was going to go badly. Why had she pushed him into it? Maybe he was right. Maybe she was desperate.
House fumbled with the tie that was still knotted around his neck. He could hear his fathers voice in his head, not his real father, whom he didn't know, but the man who had raised him with self loathing and an unceasing sense of disappointment. 'You could never keep a woman like that' it didn't matter who the woman in question was, John House felt that all women were too good for his wife's bastard son. 'You should just resign yourself to solitude. Do the world a favor.' As a boy House had begged John to do the world a favor and get blown up by a land mine, but John clearly didn't like the world enough to do it that one small favor, and he definitely didn't like his son enough.
"Let me." Cuddy had turned to face him and slid her gentle fingers beneath his.
"I'm not good enough for you," House said in a shocking moment of honesty.
Cuddy stopped what she was doing and questioned him. She knew she'd heard correctly, but still needed his confirmation. If he pretended he'd said something else, she'd know he meant it, but didn't want to talk about it. If he admitted to saying it…perhaps there was still hope.
"I'll never be able to give you what you want." House was staring at her, almost through her. To stare at her might scare the words back into his mouth, but he couldn't look away, so he looked through her, into the deepest reaches he could get to.
"I don't expect you to." She was frowning with her eyes, her brow furrowed as she tried to understand his meaning.
"Then what do you want from me?" Was he just a sex toy to her? He used to think he could live with that. It used to be his dream come true, but something had changed. He had grown up and now he wanted more. He hated that he wanted more.
"What do I want from you?" The question puzzled her. What did she want from him? What she wanted, he couldn't give. She wanted a family, but that wasn't something she wanted from him specifically. It was just something she wanted. She would like him to be a part of it, but… "I don't really know."
It was House's turn to frown. That was not the answer he was expecting. He was expecting her to say something so that he could refute it, tell her it was never going to happen and get up and leave. Now he was trapped. She hadn't given him anything to argue against. It was his turn. "Are you disappointed?"
"In what? Tonight? The sex?" She had finally gotten the knot undone, and slid the tie off his neck. "Sex with you has never disappointed me." There was a sadness hidden in her voice.
"But I have." His sadness was on full display. He was open and showing her his wounds.
"Yes." She was speaking gently and methodically. This was a mine field they were now trodding through, and one wrong move could send them both to pieces.
"I'm sorry I disappoint you." He sounded like a wounded child. Her heart broke for him.
"I appreciate that House." She put her hand on his cheek. The stubble rubbed against the palm of her hand. Under other circumstances it would have tickled. "And I'm sorry for…"
He didn't want her to say it. He had to stop her. He kissed her. With all his heart and soul he kissed her. His eyes clamped shut, channeling all his emotion and senses into that kiss. He was telling her he loved her in that kiss, in a way that he couldn't do in words.
Cuddy felt lightheaded as his message came across loud and clear. It wasn't just that the kiss was so sudden that she hadn't had time to take in enough air. It was the power with which he was kissing her, the hunger and need, not sexual, not physical but emotional and spiritual. He was finally letting her in.
He finally pulled away, his hands still holding her face as his eyes drank her in. He was waiting for her reaction.
"What do you want, House?" It wasn't an antagonistic question as it had been many times before. It was true and honest. She wanted to know where they were headed. She wanted to know just how much of herself to give to him.
"I want to be able to give you what you want." His voice broke her heart.
"I want you. I want you to be you."
"You want me to be happy."
"Is that so wrong?"
"It's misguided."
"Misguided?"
"I'll never be happy."
"So you say. But I said I'd never sleep with you again and look how that turned out." She could still feel the memory of him between her legs in a satisfying afterglow.
"You're weak." There was a touch of teasing in his voice that relieved her slightly. Having a too serious conversation with House was like playing with fire. If you weren't careful, and didn't pull back in time, you'd get burned.
"And you're not?" She knew his every weakness, and there were many.
"You can't tempt me with sex then call me weak for accepting. That's not weakness, that's intelligence."
"Then I will appeal to your intelligence." Her mind was calculating her options and she thought she had one House might appreciate.
"I'm listening." She was always surprising him and he couldn't wait to see what was going on in that beautiful, maddening mind of hers.
"You like to test your theories, yes?"
"Yes," he said reluctantly, fearing that his words would backfire on him. It was really hard to think when her naked body was laying so close to his own.
"So, let's run a test." She was feeling more empowered as she spoke. There was no way this wouldn't work.
"On what?" His throat felt suddenly dry. He gulped loudly.
"We're going to be in a real, grown up relationship for one month. No pretending we don't like each other, no worrying that the other person isn't interested. We're going to be a couple. When the month is over, we're going to break up."
"That sounds like a crappy idea." House particularly disliked the break up part, but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"It's a brilliant idea. We can see if we're capable of being in a relationship together without the stifling commitment."
"You think being committed to me would be stifling?"
"I think being committed to you would be like being committed to a mental institution, but I'm willing to do it anyway."
"You're crazy."
"And you're afraid." She was taunting him now, trying to push him into agreement.
"You're not going to trick me into agreeing to this little experiment of yours." He was determined to stand his ground.
"If you make it through the month, you get a month off clinic duty." She was not above using work to further her personal aspirations.
"Damn you!" It was his way of agreeing to her terms. He suddenly found himself in a relationship, and much to his surprise, he didn't feel trapped, he wasn't suffocating, and he felt a sort of warm peace growing in his heart. Maybe she was right about this after all.
He looked over at her smug smile and realized he could never tell her she was right. Instead he carefully slid the tie out of her hands and thought of the many ways he'd like to use it on his new girlfriend.