CHAPTER NINETEEN

House drove to a nearby diner. It was his favorite place to get breakfast at any time of the day. He was also testing her again. Now that they were 'dating', he had to figure out if she expected roses and fancy dinners at expensive restaurants. Those were the kind of dates she was used to with all the pretty boys that had paraded through her life. All the rich, successful businessmen that sniffed around looking for a trophy wife to take to their corporate Christmas party or to weekend business trips in the mountains. He couldn't imagine Cuddy being any man's trophy, yet these were the losers she kept going out with, and breaking up with.

"Interesting choice," she said as the waitress pointed to the empty dining room and told them to find their own seat.

"Is it a problem?" He wasn't sure what he wanted her answer to be until she said "no, this is fine." Then he realized how badly he had wanted her to pass the test.

They placed their orders and continued their discussion of his lecture.

"You could have told me about it." She was amused at his choice of first date.

"Then you would have insisted on tagging along."

Cuddy tried to decide if he was serious. "But you brought me to it."

"Yeah, but that's just because you're my girlfriend now. I would never have wanted you there as my boss."

"So, what else has changed with our new status? Are you suddenly going to start listening to me?"

House laughed. "No, but now I get to see you naked whenever I want."

It was Cuddy's turn to laugh. "Not quite."

"What do you mean, not quite? I don't get to see you naked?"

"You get to see me naked, when I decide you can. Not whenever you want."

House pouted. "I don't think I like dating you."

"You'll get used to it." She smiled and shoveled more hash browns into her mouth.

Cuddy felt House's foot touching hers under the table. She let it linger there, but then remembered their little bet. "Not tonight," she reminded him, pulling her foot away.

"Why the hell not?"

"Have you forgotten our little bet?" She teased.

"No. But I wish you would." The woman had a memory like a steal trap.

They ate in silence for a while, both unsure about what to say next. House wanted to call the bet off, to swallow his pride and just admit he wanted her more than she wanted him, but his uncontrollable compulsion to win at all costs prevented the words from coming out.

Still holding onto a small ray of hope, House eventually walked her to her door and invited himself in.

"I'm not sleeping with you tonight House," she promised. She was conducting her own little test. She had to know that he would still be interested in her even if she didn't sleep with him.

"So you've said…repeatedly." He's been trying every trick in his book to get her to cave but when the woman set her mind to something there was no changing it, apparently.

"It bears repeating."

"This ban of yours, does it include drinks?" He hadn't waited for an answer. He was already filling their glasses.

"Do you respect me House?" Her question came out of nowhere. They had been sitting on the couch discussing Vonnegut. House had noticed several of the author's books on her bookshelf.

"Why would you ask me that?" He did not want to answer the question.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm a joke to you." She was being honest. If they weren't going to be physically intimate, she thought they might be emotionally intimate. This time it wasn't a test. It was just something she felt she had to do.

"You're not a joke to me." He was staring down into his glass. He felt he needed to say more. "Your job is the joke. That's not what you wanted to do with your life. You could have been a great doctor, but you wanted to be successful. You wanted it so badly that you gave up everything else. And look at you now. You're at the top of your field, and you're miserable."

"I'm not miserable." Sure, she had her moments of sadness, but who didn't. Overall she thought she was pretty happy, or at least not miserable.

"You're lying to yourself. It's a defense mechanism, like my being a heartless bastard. It's how we manage to get through our days without climbing up the nearest clock tower and pumping our co-workers full of holes."

"Is that what you really think?" She wasn't upset with him for telling her the truth, but she was hurt. She didn't like that he thought of her as a miserable liar.

"I think you're unhappy. I think you are too hard on yourself and those around you. I think you're never going to be happy because nothing will ever live up to your impossibly high expectations. So, if you want to know if I respect you, then no, I can't say that I do, but I do care about you, and I like being around you, and I appreciate what you've done for me, even when I don't show it. If that's not enough for you…" he couldn't finish his thought. She had leaned across the couch and fell into a kiss.

"It's enough," she said, pulling her mouth away from his and nuzzling her head in his shoulder.

"Enough to get me laid?" House hated serious moments like this. He was afraid to look too closely at his soul for fear he might see something there that he didn't want to see.

"No!" She hit him with a pillow, but remained nestled in his arms. He was warm, and comfortable and felt like home.

They sat together on the couch, listening to the fire crackling across the room. She could feel his chest rising and falling beneath her hand, his heart beating rhythmically. It was a soothing sound that was lulling her to sleep.

"Why did you do it?" House finally asked. He'd been thinking about it ever since she asked him if he respected her.

"Why did I do what?" She half looked up at him. Her head stayed against him but her eyes moved upward. All she could see was the tip of his chin, but that was enough.

"Why did you take the job as administrator?" He was selfishly grateful she did because he probably wouldn't have a job otherwise, but he also wished she hadn't.

"They offered it to me." Cuddy had worked briefly in the endocrinology department at PPTH. She worked under an old, lecherous, drunken fool. As Cameron had often done for House, she filled in his charts and filed his paperwork and basically made sure the department stayed on budget and ran properly. Then she reported his drinking on the job to the then Dean, Dr. Thesealion. Her boss was fired and she was offered the job.

It wasn't until she'd headed the department for a while that she realized Dr. Thesealion was throwing her name around as his possible replacement. He respected her for working to keep the department running without looking for praise and he respected her more for coming clean about her boss and potentially saving lives. He also had a crush on her, but she didn't know about that.

"You could have said no." House liked the way she felt in his arms, her body curled up next to his. He stared into the fire, but that wasn't what was keeping him warm at the moment. It was her.

"I guess. But I was young, and ambitious, and I wanted to prove myself."

"You wanted to be a doctor." He remembered how young and ambitious she had been when they first met. She hounded him daily until he agreed to tutor her. She barraged him with questions until she learned as much as she could from him. She idolized him and wanted to be like him when she became a doctor. She told him that once. He had never felt prouder.

"I am a doctor." She thought that saying it might make her believe it was still true.

"You wanted to be a great doctor." He couldn't help adding, "you wanted to be me."

"Thank God that didn't happen." She joked. "You do realize I'm the only administrator who would hire you, right?" He said yes. "If I didn't have this job, you wouldn't have a job." She knew this was true. She'd asked around, when she found out he was on the market. No one else wanted Dr. Gregory House, no matter how good his success rate was, his legal fees were too great and his personality was not worth the lives he could save, at least not to any hospital heads she spoke with.

"True." He didn't bother denying it.

She was going to ask him something, but she wasn't sure what so she just let the conversation end.

A while later House spoke again. "This is nice."

"The fire?" She had been staring into it, and she agreed. It was a nice fire.

"No, this, us. Us is nice." It was bad grammar but she'd get the point.

"Us is very nice." She kissed his shirt gently. She was too comfortable to move to any exposed part of his body. Then she tightened the hold she had on him. Her arms wrapped around his waist snuggling her up against him. She sighed contentedly.

"Yeah," he said more to himself than anything. He couldn't recall how they'd gotten here, but he was glad they had. He reached over for the remote and flipped on the television. They were done talking. He could feel her weight slowly caving in on him. She was falling asleep. He was too awake to fall asleep. He hadn't felt this awake in years.

He leaned his head back and watched some infomercial about increasing your bust size with some sort of bicycle pump like device. It wasn't riveting television and after a few minutes of chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" under his breath, the novelty wore off and he turned the television off.

He wondered how and when he would screw this up. He told himself not to. That he'd already screwed it up once, that she wouldn't give him another chance. Then he thought back to college. He was a stupid shit back then. He hadn't even been attracted to Sarah Roe. She wasn't horribly disfigured or anything, but her personality was nothing to write home about.

Sarah had done it because she was a weak, spiteful, desperate girl who was jealous of her beautiful, smart, popular roommate. So, what was his excuse?

House stared at the crackling, dying fire. He would like to put another log on it, keep it going longer, but Cuddy's head had slipped into his lap, and he didn't want to wake her. Instead he pulled the throw blanket off the back of the sofa and draped it over her sleeping form. He could make out her body, curled up underneath the soft fabric and he ran his hand slowly over her arm.

He wished he could say that Sarah seduced him; that she'd gotten him drunk and taken advantage of him, but that's not what happened.

He had gone to their room looking for Lisa. Sarah answered the door in her underwear and a tee shirt. She was expecting Todd. "Oh, it's you."

"Yeah, it's me. Where's Lisa?" He pushed his way into the room. He had no respect for Sarah. She was just a nuisance to him.

"She went out." Sarah said snottily, swishing her ass as she walked away, determined to make him want her just to prove she was better than Lisa.

Looking back on it, House realized this was the moment he made the decision. It had nothing to do with Sarah sauntering about half dressed. He wasn't attracted to her in the least. So why had he said, in that seduction draped voice, "And she left you here all alone?"

Sarah knew what that tone of voice meant, and turned to him and smiled in what she thought was a sexy way. "That was pretty silly of her, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." House wasn't feeling it, but he let her rub up against him anyway. He closed his eyes and thought of Lisa and felt a little something stirring down below.

The decades older, and hopefully wiser House sitting on the couch with the woman he loved sleeping beside him tried to rationalize what he had done all those years ago. He had nothing. He couldn't think of any good reason why he slept with Sarah. He couldn't think of any good reason why he made sure Lisa would walk in and catch them.

His hand absentmindedly pushed the hair out of her sleeping face. She had aged well. She looked even more beautiful than she had when she was younger. But back then she had that cocky confidence of youth. She knew what she wanted and she wasn't going to let anything stop her.

She wanted him. It terrified him. He worried about how much he looked forward to seeing her. He didn't like how despondent he got when she wasn't around. He hated how dependant he was becoming on her. He was only twenty six years old, he was just starting his career, and he didn't want to settle down. He didn't want to be stuck with a girl who would probably grow sick of him and leave him for someone richer and more handsome; someone nicer to be around. So he had sex with her roommate and ended their relationship before it had really begun.

At first he celebrated his freedom. He tried to forget how hurt she had looked. He slept with anyone willing. He frequented bars and frat parties. Saw her at a few and avoided her seeing him. She didn't show up for their next tutoring session. He waited, but didn't expect her to be there. He had messed up. It took him twenty years to figure it out, but he had royally fucked up!

He felt her stirring. "What time is it?" She asked, groggily.

House looked over at the clock. "Almost two." He must have dozed off for a while sometime in the night because he didn't do enough to fill so many hours.

"Did you get any sleep?" She pulled herself back to a sitting position and checked her hair with her hand. She didn't have to. He thought she looked lovely.

"A little."

"Sorry I feel asleep on you." She pulled the blanket up over her shoulders. The fire had gone out.

"I'm not." He smiled.

"Well, I'm going to bed." She forced her body to get up. She didn't want to. She wanted to stay wrapped in his arms all night long. "You coming?" She held out a hand to help him up.

"I thought you didn't want to…"

"I'm offering you a bed to sleep in House. Nothing more. Is that enough for you?"

House looked at the clock again. "It will have to be, won't it?" He sounded dejected, but he got up and followed her into her bedroom.

"Yes it will." She kissed him on the cheek then pointed to his side of the bed. As a woman used to sleeping alone, she had become used to sleeping on her side of the bed. She hoped House was okay with the other side. He seemed to be, as he pulled down the covers and started to undress.

"I'll call off the bet." He said, pulling his tee shirt over his head.

"It's not about that," she replied, heading to the bathroom.

"What's it about then?" He tossed his shirt on the floor next to his shoes and began to work on his jeans.

"I'm just not in the mood," she called from the other room.

"Bull!" He knew her better than that. "Are you trying to figure out if I'm only interested in you for the sex?" He slid his pants down over his legs. He caught sight of his scar from the corner of his eye and was grateful she was in the other room. It still bothered him, having someone else see his wound. He hurried into bed and pulled the covers up over his nearly naked body.

"Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?" She came back out. She was dressed in a long, flowing night gown. She looked like an angel.

"I like the sound of your voice," he teased, watching her move.

"Then why don't you ever listen when I talk?" She slipped into the bed beside him.

"I just don't like the words that come out of your mouth."

She flipped off the light without a word.

"Was it something I said?" House asked, pulling her into his arms.

"Go to sleep House." Cuddy curled up against him and drifted into a dream.