I'm leaving for BFE Iowa on the 28th to go to pork school for work. Yes, pork school. I will be gone for a week-ish and probably won't have enough time to put a coherent thought together that doesn't concern a center cut pork chop, extra meaty rib, or slice of bacon. So, I doubt I'll post again after this until the first week of August. But then we will all be so excited about Breaking Dawn, it won't matter one bit!

I have great betas… I really do. LupsandTnks… rock star as always!

Speaking of... I love writing Stephenie Meyer's characters. It's going to suck to give them back. Sigh.

Chapter 9—Thanks for the Memories

And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
Fall Out Boy—Thanks for the Memories

Bella's POV

I didn't think I had anymore tears left to cry. Somehow I was wrong. As much as I knew she meant well, Alice wasn't really helping me dry them up.

"I just can't believe you didn't tell me about him. I thought something was off with you at the game, but you kept hanging out with Jake, so I figured everything was fine." Alice seemed a little amazed that I could keep something like this from her.

"I didn't tell you on purpose. No, don't give me that offended look. I just never figured I would see him again. I didn't think it was a big deal."

"Bella, it's never not 'a big deal' when you've been dreaming about the guy for months." She emphasized this with a huge eye roll. Her expression quickly turned to one of disbelief. "Then you up and kiss him in the middle of the road—"

"It was the sidewalk, Alice."

"—like it's nothing." She didn't even acknowledge my interruption. "Did I miss anything?" She cocked her head to the side and pretended to think for a moment. "Oh I did! You didn't tell your boyfriend, who conveniently tells you he loves you a few hours later!" She finished with a flourish of arm movement.

I hung my head in shame at the truth and simplicity of what she just summarized. More tears seeped out of my eyes. I know she wasn't upset with me, but the truth still hurt.

"Oh, Bella. I'm not trying to be mean."

"I know. I just feel so rotten about the whole thing."

"I can tell." She chuckled. "Actually, I'm a little impressed. I would never have thought you would be in a mess like this."

"Not helping, Alice." I flopped down on my bed and rolled over to the wall. The wall wouldn't make me deal with my mess. It would just let me cry in a very nonjudgmental way.

She sat down on my tiny single bed. I didn't turn around. "Bella, you're going to have to tell Jake something. He keeps calling. He has no idea what's wrong."

"I don't know what to tell him!" I whaled.

"Well, okay. We'll come up with something. Do you like him?"

"Yeah." I sniffed.

"How much do you like him?"

I didn't know the answer to this. I'd been trying to figure it out since Jacob's confession in the hospital a week ago. My phone rang before the situation could have gotten awkward with my lack of response. It was Alice, calling to say she was out front with our clothes. I sent Jake to the cafeteria to get some food and I went to meet Alice with the promise that I would meet him back at the waiting room. When I came back into the hospital, Jacob was waiting for me with a worried look on his face.

He suddenly pulled me into a hug. "I know that you don't feel the same way, Bella. And that's okay. Just the thought of you one day loving me is enough. So take your time in getting there. I'm not rushing you. I just had to tell you how I felt." He kissed the top of my head before letting me go. Jake looked like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders. "I'm starving, let's eat." He led the way back into the waiting room where the mood was just as somber as it was before.

I didn't much like this memory. It just made it everything harder because Jacob was such an amazing guy.

"Not as much as he likes me." A few more tears escaped.

"That's obvious," Alice said with a snort. "Do you want to keep dating him?"

"No. Yes. I shouldn't. But I do like him. Oh, I don't know!" This sniff turned into a sob.

"Okay, we'll come back to that one then." She narrowed her eyes at me. "What about the other guy? If he came knocking at the door tomorrow, what would you do?"

I rolled away from the wall to face her. I stopped crying. My heart was hammering in my chest. I know color flooded into my cheeks. A goofy smile started to work its way across my face before I could check it. I couldn't control my body's reactions to even the thought of seeing him. Alice noticed.

"Oh, you've got it bad." She laughed. "You gotta tell Jake." The tears came back as I rolled back to the wall.

A knock sounded at the door. "Oh, it's probably Jasper. We've going to the mall. I need something to wear on the plane overseas." Winter break was only a week away. Alice had been going on for weeks about her upcoming trip to Europe with her extended family. They took a huge trip like this every few years, all paid for by some rich old aunts. All she had talked about since she found out she was going was shopping, shopping, shopping. Most of the store and designer names all went over my head. But, why she needed an outfit to sit on a plane for hours was beyond me.

A wave of guilt hit me and a few more tears fell out of my eyes. I had been so obsessed with wallowing over the Jake drama I hadn't given Alice a chance to be properly excited about her trip. But, being the amazing person that she is, Alice didn't once call me for it. Realizing this made me feel even worse.

She pranced to the door and, without checking the peep hole, flung open the door. "Jasp--Jacob! Long time, no see!" She turned and gave me an apologetic look as she let him into the room.

I internalized a budding groan and rolled over on the bed to face the room.

"Hey, Alice. Good to see you." He gave her a quick hug just as Jasper appeared in the doorway.

"Right on time! Let's go, Jazz." Alice swept him out of the room before he could blink. So much for being discreet.

"Have fun, Alice," I called after her with the thought that I could make up for my lack of interest in the coming week. She smiled over her shoulder at me before disapearing around the corner.

"Hey, Bella." Jake stood in the middle of the room, not knowing where to sit or what to do. It was awkward. We both knew it.

"Hey, Jake. Come sit down." I patted the edge of the bed. "How's Embry?" I had only been back to the hospital a couple of times since the night of the accident. The upcoming exams were taking up more time than I wanted them to.

"He's doing a lot better," Jake replied enthusiastically. "He's talking more and they are letting him have visitors for a few minutes now."

"Oh, that's great!"

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I fidgeted with the corner of my comforter.

"Bella, are you okay? You haven't been returning my calls. You won't talk to me. I'm worried. Have I done something to hurt you?" The sincerity in his voice and eyes caused a few tears to leak from mine.

"Oh, Jake. You've done nothing wrong at all. You've done it all too right." He looked at me, not understanding. "I've been doing a lot of thinking this week and I have something to tell you." More tears. He brushed one away with his fingers. More trickled out. "Jake, I don't think I can see you anymore."

He just sat there, looking at me. He shook his head, trying to change the meaning of my words. "Bella, these past few weeks have been a little intense. And now, exam stress. I understand that you've got a lot on your mind. Go home, get some rest and we can talk about this when we come back in January."

It would be too easy just to agree. I couldn't. "No, Jake." I felt like I was barely making a sound. I looked up at him. "I can't. I like you; I really do. But I think you deserve so much better than me." More tears. Damn them! "Someone who can be a better friend to you. Someone who loves you. That's not me, Jake." I finished with a hearty sob.

"Bella, I don't understand. I told you I'd wait for you. I meant it."

"I know, Jake. I can't let you."

"You don't mean that, Bella."

I looked at him gently. "Yes, Jake, I do."

He stiffened. "Okay, then. I understand." An expression crossed his face I didn't understand at first. "I'll go." He stood up and walked to the door. "I guess I'll see you around then." He walked out.

It wasn't until he left that I understood what had crossed his face. It was anger.

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