-1Fusion
by Knowing Shadows
Part 1: Chapter 15
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.
Author's Note: I am so sorry this took so long. I had mild writer's block, but the rest was just laziness and I have no excuse. And I can't even promise that the next chapter will be out quicker, because I'm importing Kingdom Hearts II from the USA (which should arrive sometime in the next week, squeeeeeee!) and, you know, it's going to eat my soul.
Edit: I fixed the "insight/incite" problem that a couple of people pointed out, but then someone said that I'd mixed up "whole/hole" somewhere as well. O.o;; Where the hell did I do that? Anyone know where that is? "Insight/incite" I can maybe understand, but what retard-drug was I on to mix up the other two?
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He won't come.
Cloud watched his breath stirring the fine hairs on his forearm, the limb propped up on his knee as he sat curled up on top of his bed. The other leg, tucked underneath him, had gone numb long ago. He wriggled the toes of that foot absently, pale features twisting just slightly into a pained wince before smoothing out once more.
He said he didn't know when he'd be done...It could be hours away before he's finished work. Just because he's not here yet doesn't mean he won't be...
He won't come.
He trailed his gaze along the shallow curves that made up his arm, down to the fine-boned wrist and the hand that hung limply, fingers curled in the still air. He stretched out his hand, watching the veins and the tendons shift beneath too pale skin. His hands were neither feminine, nor showed the pronounced musculature of the SOLDIERs. His fingers were callused, but not overly so (not like they would be in later life, after the feeling of a sword in hand became more natural than the feeling of no sword at all). The rest of him was the same - there was nothing special to see.
He went back to staring moodily at nothing.
The dorm was empty, for which Cloud was glad. He'd been sitting for ages, a packed gym bag stuffed under his bed so it wouldn't be so obvious to look at him that he was waiting for someone who would never come. Not now, anyway.
Not only did you manage to upset him, but your best friend as well...
Zack had left that morning in a subdued mood that Cloud couldn't help but feel was his own fault. Zack's lower moods usually always were caused by the blond, that he didn't doubt. He'd watched from his own bed as the older man pottered about the room, getting ready for work. Nothing explicit in the SOLDIER had given away his mood, but Cloud knew and, considering his complicated connection to the dark-haired man, didn't feel inclined to argue with how he knew it.
He shifted on the bed until he could pull his other knee up, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth as the inevitable pins and needles set in. He didn't open his eyes again until it began to ease, resting his cheek against his arm. He wasn't even sure if he wanted Sephiroth to turn up at all - he didn't really want to have to face Sephiroth being stand-off-ish, and then be beaten to a pulp afterwards in the name of practice. He wanted to crawl into bed and sleep, pretending that nothing had ever happened, because he was a coward, and he knew it.
But then again, seeing him might give him the chance to make it right...
He won't come, though. Why would he want to, after yesterday? He said he would, but he's a busy man and it's nothing if he stands up a mere cadet...
If he was ever planning to come at all.
Cloud was nobody here, after all, wasn't he? One cadet among many, though he stood out just that little bit because he was odd. There was no other word for him but 'odd'. It wasn't the kind of trait that attracted others, and he was used to that. He was used to being alone because of it.
The quiet of the dorm was shattered by a firm knock at the door. Cloud's head snapped up, heart suddenly beating double. No-one who lived at the dorm would knock.
Maybe..?
There was another set of knocks before Cloud scrambled to his feet, heart lurching as he got his toes briefly twisted in the duvet cover and thought he would trip, and got to the door. He paused just before he grasped the door knob, hesitating - but only for a moment, so short that he wasn't even sure why he'd hesitated. But then he took a breath and pulled the door open.
There was always going to be something altogether surreal about finding 6ft of leather and metal standing outside your door when your memories told you that you'd killed this man years ago. Cloud felt his fingers tighten their grip on the edge of the door as he looked up into Sephiroth's stoic face, and after a moment had to drop his gaze, if only to hide how he knew his cheeks were flushed in shame and embarrassment. "Sir," he said in a quiet voice.
"Strife." There wasn't anything in Sephiroth's voice to cause it, but Cloud still had to set his jaw against how much it burned. And then when Sephiroth continued, "You wanted to practice?" the heat of it spread briefly up behind Cloud's eyes until he forced it back.
"Yes, sir," he murmured, head dipping even more. Cloud hoped that Sephiroth took it as respect rather than insolence. "I'll just get my bag." With that, he retreated quickly behind the door to run and pull his bag from under the bed. He turned back to find that Sephiroth had caught the door and had moved to keep it open, watching him silently. He ducked his head again as he moved back to the door, unsure of how to act. Sephiroth's coldness clawed at his chest like a living thing.
Sephiroth moved off before he reached the door, and Cloud assumed he was to follow. He did not dare try and walk beside the man - it seemed too familiar a thing to do, and familiar was one thing they did not seem to be.
At least, not anymore. They had been working towards something, though Cloud wasn't sure what it might have become, but he was becoming inclined towards the notion that the two of them were fated to be nothing more than enemies, and not even being sent back in time would be able to change that.
He walked a few paces behind Sephiroth, head still lowered, and Cloud supposed that it must look like he was in trouble to anyone who saw them pass by, following Sephiroth for punishment. It felt as if he were, too, though he tried to push the feeling aside. Sephiroth made no attempt to converse, to try and ease his obvious discomfort, and it only made the hard knot that was Cloud's stomach grow tighter and heavier.
Was this because he'd rejected Sephiroth's offer of help? Was that really all that had set this off? He'd only done it to avoid the repercussions of people accusing the General of favouritism...And was that really worth this?
Cloud let out a silent sigh, looking up finally at Sephiroth's broad shoulders. For how much strength inhabited that body, Sephiroth always looked surprisingly long and lean, compared to officers in the regular army that Cloud had seen, who seemed to be made up entirely of muscle, and too much of it at that. Cloud had always wondered, before Sephiroth's fearsome reputation had been cemented, how many people had entered battle with him, completely underestimating how much damage the man could do, simply because he didn't look like a weight-lifter.
It was one thing that might be considered good about Mako, Cloud thought. He himself had never been very bulky, though his body was naturally squarer compared to the long, elegant lines that made up Sephiroth. Even at the end, he'd been tiny compared to Barrett and Cid, and even Vincent, who there was more of than most people realised.
What was he doing walking into the training centre to take this man on, when Sephiroth was obviously not happy with him, too?
I'm going to die, Cloud realised, but there was only resignation to meet the thought. I'm only a cadet - I can't do this. Surely when we fought in the simulation it was just a fluke.
Well, you're going to find out, aren't you?
They didn't really pass many people in the corridors, though that wasn't surprising because Sephiroth wasn't leading them the quickest way to the training centre, but rather, the least obvious way. At least the older man was taken some precautions against people seeing them - this late in the evening, there'd be fewer people about anyway, and virtually no-one to spot them on this route. The training centre would probably be pretty much empty. Most cadets tended to try and get their training done during the day so they could go out in the evening.
Eventually, they reached the door to the training centre. Sephiroth pushed it open, and motioned with one hand for Cloud to go in. He nodded nervously, hitching his bag higher on his shoulder, and ducked in, sharply aware as he passed Sephiroth how close they were, if even for just a second. The smell of warm leather and skin so near for just that brief moment made him ache.
"There shouldn't be anyone here," Sephiroth said as he followed Cloud in and closed the door behind him. "So we can use the main arena. It's the biggest."
Cloud nodded in acquiescence, and wandered over to the side to drop his bag. He turned, enough to keep Sephiroth just in vision, and silently began to go through some warm-up stretches. He watched Sephiroth deftly undoing the buckles that kept his shoulder guards on, letting them slip to the floor so his coat was unadorned. The Masamune came next, carefully laid to the side.
Sick of the quiet, Cloud asked, "Are you not using the Masamune?"
Sephiroth turned sharp eyes to him. "Not today, no. You have the dubious pleasure of facing me whilst we both use the same blade."
"Dubious...how?"
A slight smirk turned Sephiroth's lips. "Most people find it an uncomfortable thought to fight me at closer quarters than they have to. For some reason, the length of the Masamune seems to relieve people." He regarded the length of the sword as it lay on the floor. "Personally, I'd have thought the reach of the Masamune would be more frightening."
Having been on the receiving end of the Masamune more times than he could count, Cloud considered it as he went quickly through the last of his stretches. Both were just as frightening as the other - Sephiroth with the Masamune was bad enough, just because he was so skilled with what would otherwise have been an unwieldy blade, but one couldn't help but wonder how fast Sephiroth would be with a shorter, easier blade to handle in comparison. It made his stomach clench for a second, and the first sign of anticipation to break through the heavy dread in him appeared.
He shook his arms and legs out when he was done, enjoying the looseness of his limbs. Out of the corner of his eye Cloud saw Sephiroth approaching him, and stood straight. The older man held out a sword, keeping green eyes unwavering on him, and Cloud didn't understand the look in them at all. He took the sword, and when Sephiroth turned to walk out into the practice area, he followed.
Sephiroth took a few lazy practice strokes with his own blade, and then turned to Cloud. Belly clenched tight, Cloud bowed when Sephiroth did, and when he straightened, he waited for the other man to strike.
-----
His heart was pounding with exertion. Cloud could feel it straining, trying to give his muscles the energy he needed, but it wasn't good enough. Sephiroth brought the blade of his sword down and Cloud swung up to meet it, and when they clashed, he felt his arms beginning to give way under Sephiroth's strength.
When Sephiroth pulled back, Cloud took a few desperate, dancing steps away to try and give himself a little time, and he burned with shame when he heard how loud he was panting for breath. Sephiroth, taking slow, measured steps to the side with his sword ready, did not show any signs of relenting. Cloud circled to keep distance between them, throat burning. He saw Sephiroth freeze for a split second before he rushed forward again, and he barely had his sword up in time to counter the attack, and the next, and the next. His muscles were on fire. He took a ragged, half-choking breath and when their blades next met, Sephiroth pushed into him.
Cloud's legs buckled, unable to find the strength to push back. He stuck out his free hand to try and break his fall. His sword-arm came up automatically to try and block against any blow that might be coming, but nothing did. There was silence, though it wasn't really silent at all because Cloud's breathing was so loud. Cloud couldn't look up, keeping his eyes down, humiliated.
Sephiroth made an unimpressed "hmph" sound and Cloud closed his eyes, unprepared for how much the General's disappointment stung. "Get up," the older man said, and Cloud dropped his head in a silent nod before pulling aching muscles into order and getting to his feet as quickly and as gracefully as he could.
It was the fourth...no, fifth, bout that he had lost, all in similarly unspectacular ways. And every time, he could see Sephiroth's frustration and disappointment growing.
Yet...Sephiroth still called him up for more.
Cloud couldn't refuse...Sephiroth was still the General, and was doing an honour by sparring with him, despite how unworthy he was obviously finding his opponent. He had known that this would just be a humiliation, but somehow it was worse than even he had expected. He had never felt the need to run and hide so greatly, not in all his years, but as long as Sephiroth ordered him to stand his ground, he could do nothing else.
Sephiroth stood, waiting to bow, perfectly poised and completely unruffled. He watched Cloud intently, face frighteningly cold. When Cloud stood, his legs felt like jelly, but he made himself be still. They bowed, and then Sephiroth raised his sword again. Cloud did the same, and his arm visibly trembled. The cold knot in his stomach grew. How was he supposed to fight Sephiroth like this?
Why was Sephiroth still fighting him when he could see...?
When the first blow came, he felt it all the way up his arm and through his shoulder and he couldn't help but let out a pained noise, pulling back and away as far as he could. Sephiroth's face had not changed, eyes still as cold and hard as stone.
Surely Sephiroth knew when enough was enough..?
But he came again, crossing the distance fast enough to frighten Cloud, and attacked once more. Cloud pushed off the first stroke, Sephiroth's blade sliding with a metallic shriek across his, and the next one he did the same to. Cloud stumbled, breath rushing past his lips in a surprised groan, and Sephiroth swung his blade again. It caught Cloud so hard that the breath froze in his throat. He dropped his sword and fell to his knees, panicking as he held his arm.
"General, sir," Cloud gasped, voice raspy. He had to take another uneven, shaky breath before he could speak again. "I can't afford to...If I..." The muscles in his hand felt like they were about to go into spasms. "I can't be injured for the exam, sir."
"I had thought you would be able to take more." The tone was neutral, and for a moment Cloud hoped that the statement was as neutral as that implied, but then Sephiroth spoke again and he said, "Perhaps I was misled by your earlier...performance."
It hurt, as much as he'd expected and more. He took a breath and pushed on.
"You're pushing me too hard, sir," Cloud said. "Harder than when we fought before." He looked up as he gingerly flexed his hand, feeling the pull of overworked muscles all the way up his arm. Sephiroth stood over him. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir," Cloud said in a quiet voice.
Sephiroth's eyes narrowed and his mouth pulled into an expression that Cloud couldn't quite identify. "If you don't wish to be a disappointment, then pick up your sword. Show me what I saw last time."
"I can't," Cloud said.
"Why not?" Sephiroth snapped.
"I don't have any energy left!" Cloud flung up his arm and held it there, and Sephiroth turned green eyes to watch the limb shake.
He looked back to Cloud, and his lips pulled into a sneer. "Wasted energy," he snarled, "if you are spent and I saw nothing of interest."
Cloud flinched from the anger in the other man's voice, but it made his own rise. "I gave you the best I had!" he cried, and began to pull himself to his feet. His legs did not want to support him. "I gave you everything. What do you want from me? Why are you so angry at me?"
For a moment Sephiroth looked like he wanted to deny any such thing, but he didn't. He continued to watch Cloud, unhappy, until he frowned and looked away. Cloud had to lock his knees to keep himself standing, even as he waited with bated breath for the reprimand he knew was coming. He was only a cadet, what made him think he could ask such things of such a man...?
Cloud swallowed to wet his throat when Sephiroth said nothing. "Did I...Are you angry because of yesterday?"
The older man's gaze came back to him then, almost surprised, but Cloud barely caught it before it was smoothed over. After a moment, Sephiroth said, "I am not angry about that."
"Then...what are you angry about?" What did I do? What did I do that you are even letting it show that you are angry?
Sephiroth's lip curled just slightly, and Cloud guessed because he did not like to talk about himself, and certainly not about his feelings or thoughts. He readied himself to be rebuked and chastised for prying where he had no right to go, because that was what he was doing, and with Sephiroth no less -
But Sephiroth did not say that. Instead, though the sneer remained, he said, "I am angry because I do not understand you. And I am also taking out that anger on you. I apologise."
Cloud stared.
"I do not understand the way you act. I do not understand how you learned to fight so well. I don't understand why I see impossible things and you will not explain to me, even though we both know you could. I don't understand why I let you get away with it." He shook his head ruefully. "And, yes, I do not understand why you would risk having to join the Turks when you don't want to, rather than letting me help you."
And I bet you don't understand why you're telling me all this, either...
Fighting a pleased flush, Cloud looked away for a moment, not knowing what to do with his embarrassed flattery. That Sephiroth would even think of telling him all that..!
And in return...
He lifted his head then, to meet Sephiroth's still face, and realised that the older man was waiting for his reaction. And, he thought, most likely expecting the uncharacterised display to be thrown back in his face. Cloud was abruptly proud to know that he would not be doing that. "Sephiroth, sir..." He lifted his arm, steadier now, and motioned quickly around the room. "This - this one-on-one training - and offering to speak to Tseng on my behalf...even talking to me...I'm not worth this much trouble. And I'm not worth getting into trouble over, not when I know some people are already thinking that..." He flushed then, embarrassed, and broke their gaze.
Sephiroth was silent for a few moments before he said, "Favouritism? Is that what you're worried about? That I'll be reprimanded for favouritism?"
"Won't you?" Cloud asked.
"And who would have the courage to dress me down? Who would they get to replace me if they stripped me of my rank?" Sephiroth snorted, amused. "I have no fear of that."
Cloud turned pleading eyes on him. "But...it's not even that, it's just what people will say...I don't want people saying, or thinking things about you because of me. I couldn't..." I couldn't bear it...
Sephiroth was quiet again, thoughtful, and Cloud could see no anger in him anymore. "Who has said something to you?"
Startled, Cloud didn't answer for a second. And then, thinking about what had been accused, he didn't want to, but he still said, "Ratchett."
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Ratchett? Was that what made him attack you? What did he say?"
He didn't want to think about what Ratchett had said, because even though it had been wrong, imagining what he had implied made his belly do interesting things, and his breath hitch. "He accused you of giving me...special treatment."
Sephiroth seemed to read more from it than Cloud had wanted him to, and when the other man made a soft, knowing sound, it made him blush. But Sephiroth said, "Well...I can guess what made him so angry about that now..."
"...What?"
Sephiroth stilled, just for a moment. He was puzzled at that, but Sephiroth waved a hand and said in a quiet voice, "It doesn't matter anymore. Was it just him?"
"To my face, yes..." Cloud shrugged. "But others will notice...some have already asked how I know you, and so forth...I doubt it would take much to make it turn less innocent."
"And...you would put me first in all this?"
"Always," Cloud breathed without thinking, and then turned his head away, embarrassed.
"And..." Sephiroth seemed to mull something over for a moment or too, choosing his words. "And so...if I said that such things do not bother me, and that I did not wish something like that to cause such petty anger and annoyance between us, would you put that first?"
Cloud had to fight to keep himself from grinning stupidly, the weight lifting so suddenly from his chest that he felt dizzy. The lightness seemed to abruptly amplify how jelly-like all his limbs felt. "Yes," he said, but saw the pleasure at his answer warm Sephiroth's eyes for only a few seconds because when he took a step, the world tilted and opened up beneath him, and swallowed him whole into darkness.
-----
Much later, Zack would hear from the doctors that the stony look on Sephiroth's face when he'd appeared with Cloud was one of the most frightening things they'd ever seen. And he would believe it.
He stood in the doorway to the infirmary, not knowing what to think. As the SOLDIER responsible for Cloud, he'd been informed pretty quickly that the blond had been admitted to the infirmary by Sephiroth, though at the time they hadn't said what was wrong. However, even knowing that Sephiroth was involved at all -
He'd come as quickly as he could, worried and angry. If Sephiroth had anything to do with this, he was going to kill the man. Unless Sephiroth had somehow managed to make Cloud keel over by coming on to him or something - but even then he wasn't even entirely sure what he'd feel.
Oh, hell...
Cloud was lying on the bed, unconscious or sleeping, he couldn't tell. There were no drips or machines attached to him, which was one good thing, at least. He just looked small and pale and tired.
Sephiroth was like a shadow against the far wall, and when he looked up at Zack to see who had come in, there was nothing in his face to work with. It riled Zack slightly, though he wasn't sure why. He let out a breath through his nose rather than sigh and get Sephiroth's back up, and waved a hand to Cloud. "Do I get an explanation?"
"Exhaustion, stress..." Sephiroth shrugged in that elegant way of his. "So the doctors said."
"That's not what I asked."
Sephiroth did not look away, though any lesser man might have. He met Zack's gaze steadily and coolly, and after a moment said, "We were in the training centre and I did not stop when I should have. He collapsed and I brought him here. That is what happened."
"Didn't stop?" Zack echoed, disbelief in his voice as he took a few steps into the room. "How did you not stop, Sephiroth? Anyone can see when enough is enough, you most of all!" He waved an arm at Cloud's form. "What, were you aiming for this?"
"No, I was not," Sephiroth replied, and there was just a hint of defensiveness in the slight tightening of his shoulders and the bite in his voice and eyes.
"So he just dropped for no reason? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Are you so quick to blame me, Zack?" Sephiroth said in a low voice, the look in his eyes going darker with every word.
Zack felt like pulling his hair out, and raised his hands to do so before he caught himself. "Stop doing that. All I'm asking is what you did - because you did something! - and you are being extraordinarily difficult."
"I told you what happened," Sephiroth said. "I also told you I did not stop, therefore admitting my responsibility. What more do you want?"
Zack threw up his hands and turned away for a moment, because getting angry was just going to make Sephiroth's mood worse in response. "Are you going to tell me why you didn't stop?" he asked.
"I was angry, and took it out on him. I had already apologised to him before he collapsed but I will do so again when he wakes."
"Angry?" Zack turned back, taking his gaze from where it had been resting on the gentle rise and fall of Cloud's chest and looking back at Sephiroth. "I'm surprised you didn't kill him if you were angry."
Sephiroth's mouth pulled into a sneer. "I would do no such thing."
"Were you angry at him? Is this about last night?"
"Last night?" Sephiroth's sneer seemed to deepen. "What did he tell you?"
"Not much. I came in and he was upset because he thought he'd annoyed you. He didn't tell me about what."
The older man's expression softened at Zack's words, and for a moment he turned green eyes to Cloud, who was not awake to appreciate the attention. Zack watched Sephiroth - it was unlike him to let much bother him at all, let alone whatever minor offence a boy who was in love with him (he could say 'love', now that Cloud had admitted the extent of his obsession) had committed. He wasn't sure that it was a good sign or not, but he didn't know the circumstances of Sephiroth's annoyance - he only knew one thing, and that was that Cloud was one of the very few people able to get under the General's skin.
It was where Zack had started, years before, until Sephiroth had given up trying to keep himself shut off.
There is hope.
"Sephiroth..." Zack sighed, and held a hand to his forehead, rubbing there briefly. The older man's gaze flickered in his direction at the sound of his name. Zack let out another sigh, and shook his head. "I'm not going to discuss this with you here."
Sephiroth said nothing, but watched the other SOLDIER intently for a few moments. His eyes narrowed and his mouth flattened just enough to be noticeable, and then he went back to watching Cloud. His frown deepened. Zack saw that particular expression mar those handsome features far more often than he liked to, and almost as often he was at a loss of how to ease it.
"There's nothing we can do now," he said. "We should just come back tomorrow morning to check on him." There was no acknowledgement from across the room, so Zack barked out, "Sephiroth!"
Only those green eyes turned his way, almost hidden behind strands of pale hair, but Zack met the look with his own frown and jerked his head towards the door, and waited for Sephiroth to move out of the room before he did.
-----
Zack did not, as Sephiroth had assumed would happen, trail him back to his quarters. Sephiroth refused to look back at first, keeping himself held straight and tall, head high as was befitting a General, but even then he couldn't escape the way the tension in his shoulder muscles was beginning to make him ache. His mind was a mess, thoughts scattered, and he walked on autopilot as he tried to bring himself back under control.
He could feel Zack's gaze burning into his back, and his friend's anger unsettled him. He supposed he deserved it, but still, he was unused to the feeling. He knew his peace of mind was becoming ever more volatile when it came to Strife, but to have Zack react so unpredictably to it... To have to deal with both at the same seemed an impossible thing. And yet one more thing he would not be allowed to deal with in his own time, if Zack had his way.
Often, Zack thought that the way he pushed Sephiroth was for the older man's good. Sephiroth did not know whether that was true - didn't know if Zack really thought it was for his own good, and not just because he was too frustrated to do things in Sephiroth's own time; or, even if Zack did think it would be best, if it actually was.
He couldn't deny that Strife's quiet, mature demeanour appealed to him in contrast to the way Zack dealt with him. It would be why he and Zack would never actually work as more than casual lovers - if he and Zack got involved any more closely than they already were, if Zack had any more say in his life than he already did, Sephiroth knew he would go insane. Zack was...too much. Zack caused him enough stress as it was.
"I'm going to leave it for tonight," Zack's voice abruptly cut through his thoughts. Sephiroth paused, and turned to face the dark-haired man, and found his friend's face pensive. "Neither of us are in the right mood to talk about this calmly right now. Make sure you drop by on Cloud tomorrow -"
"Did you think I wouldn't?" Sephiroth cut in, and wasn't prepared for how snappy his own voice sounded. But, to think Zack needed to suggest that he check up on Cloud after what he'd done -!
Zack let out a soft, half-huffing sound, and shook his head. "I didn't mean it like that. And see, this is why we can't discuss this right now. And I'm not blaming it on you, before you get that thought in your head, so stop that. I'm just as tired and stressed as you are. Sleep on it, okay?" There, Zack's face abruptly softened, his features shifting into a concerned frown. "Look, Seph...I'm here for you, however much you think you don't need it. It's what friends are for. I want to help you. Think about it, okay?"
There it was again, Zack wanting to make things Concrete and Nameable rather than leave them alone. And what was there to drag out into the open? The kind of things that made Cloud's worry about favouritism all the more real? Not that Sephiroth had been lying - there was no-one who would touch him, no-one who would dare - so that didn't really bother him.
And yet, still...
He dropped his head in a nod, not trusting himself to speak when he didn't know what to say. Zack reached out to brush his hand briefly against Sephiroth's arm, and Sephiroth let him.
"Remember," Zack said, and gave him a sloppy, friendly salute, "Think about it. And I mean properly, don't just dismiss me."
"I'll think about it," Sephiroth conceded, and when Zack smiled at him, for a moment his heart wasn't quite as heavy as it had been. He tried not to think too hard about how the weight came crashing back down again when Zack turned away and set off to his own bed, leaving the General to find his way back to his own.
Just what was he supposed to think about? What was he supposed to tell Zack? He wasn't even sure himself what was going on. Even thinking about it logically didn't help! He reacted to Cloud, yes - but what would you call that reaction? The low, clenching feeling in his belly, the way it sometimes spread up through his chest, at its worse moments even catching in his throat. The way his thoughts so often circled back to Cloud, and how easily a glimpse of blue eyes, or even a certain curve of the blond's jaw or throat, distracted him.
Was that attraction? Real attraction? Not that awful illusion that was the brief, sharp pang of lust before consummation; the only thing he'd really known? He knew lust well enough - but he'd not had the dilemma of age or rank beforehand to consider. Was this reaction different because he knew Cloud wasn't something he should have?
Part of it was want. He knew that, however much he tried to keep it buried, hidden away from even himself; that primal, purely physical reaction between human beings that was the only thing he knew of intimate relationships. Cloud was beautiful...surely no-one could blame him for that.
His rooms were chilly and dark when he got back, and for a moment he stood in the doorway with his hand over the light switch. He tried to imagine someone being here, waiting for him to return at night, or someone he might, himself, wait for. That was what happened in real relationships, the kind based on more than those most base of urges, wasn't it?
Sephiroth started to scold himself for that thought - it was foolish, and sentimental, and not like him at all. Not like he should be. He didn't like not knowing himself anymore, discovering new things he didn't know were there. He shook his head, as if the physical action could take the thoughts from his head, but in his mind it wasn't hard to imagine opening the door, as he had just done, and seeing blue eyes turn in his direction. He could imagine the smile that would appear at seeing him. Worse, it was easier to imagine the calm that would overtake him as soon as he saw it.
It was harder to accept how much he wanted it.
-----
Cloud's throat was killing him. It was the first thing he was aware of, and the nagging, dry feeling dogged him until the need to ease it forced him to open his eyes. The ceiling above him was one he knew, but not the one from his dorm. He remembered waking up after Ratchett had hit him and seeing this ceiling.
He needed water. He turned his head, searching - there was usually a jug of the stuff next to each bed, he knew that - and oh, there it was. Target found, Cloud began to try and gather himself up to get himself a glass. He didn't feel as bad as he'd thought he would, which was always a plus. It wasn't difficult to roll onto his side and get his elbow underneath him. He reached out, testing, with his other hand, but it was an awkward position and he needed to sit up to do what he wanted to. Frowning, Cloud began to try and swing his legs out from under the blankets.
"Strife, lay down."
His hand dropped before it even properly registered who it was. There was the distinctive sound of leather moving, and then black-gloved hands manoeuvring the jug and glass. Cloud huddled back into the bed, and followed the line of Sephiroth's arm up, and up, to the spill of silver hair over one shoulder as the man bent to pour his water. Sephiroth was not watching him, appearing to concentrate on the task he'd taken from Cloud, and his face was still without being stern.
"General, sir," came a voice from the other side of the bed, and Cloud looked over to find the infirmary's doctor standing in the doorway to the side room that served as his office. "I assure you, Cloud is perfectly fine..."
"I am aware of that," Sephiroth said, and though his voice was quiet the doctor did not argue back. He turned and held out the glass to Cloud, and when those green eyes turned to his he had to look away, embarrassed. He took the water and murmured his thanks in a quiet, raspy voice.
After he'd downed half the glass and his voice was audible, the doctor prodded and poked him for a moment or two, asking questions, and Cloud found the whole process terribly embarrassing to have to go through in front of Sephiroth, though there was no reason to feel so. "Just take it easy today," the doctor admonished gently, and said he was free to go when he wished. And then he left with one last glance in Sephiroth's direction, leaving them alone.
Cloud drew his knees up where he was sitting in the bed, and couldn't bring himself to look at where Sephiroth stood. What was he supposed to say? His cheeks burned with humiliation. Of all the things to do, just when it seemed that Sephiroth had forgiven him for his horrendous performance - to faint on the man! He'd never live it down!
He heard leather moving again, and Sephiroth settled himself in one of the chairs near his bed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sephiroth's hands come to rest on his thighs, and he had to look away then to take another sip of his water, mouth suddenly dry.
"Zack was here earlier," Sephiroth said. "But he was unable to stay. I will inform him you are well, if you wish."
Cloud ducked his head. "If you would... I'd go see him, but I think I want to sleep first, but he'd want to know, I guess. Thank you."
"It's no trouble..." There was something in the other man's voice, but Cloud wasn't sure quite what it was. But then Sephiroth spoke again, and it was clearly regret. "I know I apologised to you before, Cloud, but it was insufficient after what happened. My behaviour was inexcusable..."
Cloud's mouth had gone dry as Sephiroth spoke. Did Sephiroth really feel that he had to apologise? It made him squirm a little, stomach churning, to hear it coming from the General. He looked up, away from the safety of his hands twisting the stiff infirmary blankets, and Sephiroth was watching him with guarded eyes.
"Sephiroth...sir..." He tagged on the "sir" when he realised he probably needed it again now. "I was the one who fainted..."
The moment's silence from Sephiroth that followed his words was somewhere between cold and stunned. His face went very still, and Cloud's gaze slid away again, stomach clenching uncomfortably. When Sephiroth spoke, his voice was lower than it had been before, and the emotion in it made him shiver as much as it made him shrink away. "I am not one to boast, but I cannot help but remind you that it was I whom you were sparring. In what way is your collapse something to be ashamed of, especially when I was pushing too hard, and I knew it?"
What was he supposed to say in response to that? "You said yourself, sir...I was a disappointment..."
"I should not have said that." Sephiroth shook his head as he said it. "You were no such thing. I was..." He seemed to mull over his words for a second, and the pause made Cloud raise his eyes again. Sephiroth wasn't watching him anymore, instead, eyes turned downward, gaze introverted. "I was...not myself, and I took that out on you. It was...dishonourable on my part to have done so-"
"Please..." Cloud had said it before he realised what he was doing, but even that one soft word was enough to silence the other man. Green eyes became sharp again, and flickered upward at the sound of his voice. "Please...don't apologise to me."
He'd thought - hoped - that it might soothe Sephiroth to hear it, but instead the older man's face tightened, and he started using that voice again - low, and shockingly devoid of the chilly indifference it normally held. "Don't apologise? Why shouldn't I? Should I not express regret for what I have done? When I have done wrong?"
Cloud flinched away, as much away from eyes that had gone suddenly hot as from the tone of voice. Why couldn't he do this right? Why was everything he was doing making Sephiroth angry at him? He found himself twisting his hands in the blanket again, not knowing what to do. If he kept silent, he wouldn't say anything to make Sephiroth angrier, but then again, it might be taken as insolence, or an implication that he agreed with that Sephiroth evidently didn't.
He wasn't sure he could say anything, even if he wanted to. Every time Sephiroth spoke, his chest went tighter and tighter. He just wanted to know how to make things right again, to try and stop the ache that seemed to be becoming a permanent addition to his heart.
Sephiroth let out a breath that wasn't quite a sigh, but that didn't make a difference to Cloud. He barely noticed how white his knuckles had gone. He waited for it to come, whether it came with words or not, but he'd recognise it when he saw it - a phrase, a gesture, maybe even the nothing that would be if Sephiroth just got up and left, but whatever it was that would signal that Sephiroth had finally lost his patience and Cloud was not worth dealing with anymore. Cloud knew he more than deserved it - knew better than most just what kind of person he was not; knew just how difficult people found it to get on with him, to find something in him that was worth their affection.
If you're the one who has to fill in all their own gaps with parts from someone else, there's no-one else out there who's going to know just how much you're really lacking.
Sephiroth's soft voice broke the silence, and if Cloud hadn't known that Sephiroth would never express what he didn't want heard, he'd have half-thought that the other man was talking to himself. "It seems apologising is all I ever need to do." He didn't raise his voice at all, but this time it was clearly directed at Cloud. "How many clean slates do we need before we stop going wrong?"
Cloud took a breath then, shaky, and he was glad he wasn't looking at Sephiroth because he couldn't bear it if the General saw how much that pained him. He blinked, trying to keep himself under control as his vision briefly began to blur. "We shouldn't need them," he murmured. "We shouldn't. And I don't need or want a new one. What kind of people would we be if we couldn't overlook misunderstandings? If we couldn't learn from them what not to do next time? If we couldn't accept that people aren't perfect? If we thought like that, we'd forever be needing to start over."
There was nothing, not even the rustle of movement, in response to that, and it filled Cloud with fear, irrational as it was, not even knowing what he was afraid of. Wide-eyed, he looked up, but there was none of the condescension in Sephiroth's face that he'd expected. The General was gazing at him intently, and the look on his face was what Cloud would have expected had he presented the other man with something alien and unknown.
The thought came to him, had no-one ever said anything like that to Sephiroth? Did Sephiroth not know that mistakes could be overlooked, laughed off, forgotten?
Of course he doesn't. Why should he? At what point do you think Hojo got around to explaining that to him?
If I could be the one to teach him that...to teach him that being perfect does not mean you have to be flawless...
Warmth filled him, hope and determination and desire, at the thought that he could do that, and he could no more fight the small smile that curved his lips than he could fight the need to breathe. He saw Sephiroth's gaze drop to his mouth for a moment, and fought the slight shiver across his shoulder blades that it provoked. Sephiroth dipped his head, as if he were nodding but had forgotten to lift his chin again, and his hands pulled back on his thighs a little.
"I've never known anyone else like yourself or Zack," he said. "And I find myself sorry for that."
Cloud felt the heat rise to his cheeks, embarrassed and honoured and not knowing what to do with that. "Thank you," he murmured, because he couldn't think of anything else to say.
Sephiroth was shaking his head again. "There's no need. None at all."
Cloud smiled again, and again Sephiroth had an edge to his expression that said what was before his eyes was something unknown to him, but in that instant it didn't bother Cloud. Just by smiling, he was giving Sephiroth something he rarely received, and clearly needed. How could he stop smiling, when so little could do so much for someone he loved?
There's still so much to learn, isn't there?
"When you're done having your moment," came a voice suddenly, and both their heads snapped towards the doctor's office, though the doctor was still inside, "I've got patients coming in soon, so you may want to take it elsewhere..."
Cloud grinned even as he blushed hotly, and watched the slightly startled look pass over Sephiroth's face, the other man sitting up straight, with something akin to amusement, even if Sephiroth's expression was blank again within seconds. The older man looked to him then, and as one the two of them began to move. Cloud could barely keep the smile from his face, wary of looking like a fool.
He'd just started to collect his things together when Sephiroth's voice interrupted him. "I'll make sure to let Zack know you're alright," he said, and he was by the door, about to go. "Again, I apologise for what happened, and I'll inform your instructors. I...I suggest you get some rest, and then try and speak to Tseng about this whole business. If he doesn't take no for an answer, I would...I would request that you allow me to step in. And...I appreciate what you've said." He dropped his shoulders in an abrupt bow, and even like that he was as graceful as anything Cloud had ever seen. Sephiroth was out of the door and gone before Cloud could think of anything to say.
-----
Cloud had intended to sleep, he really had, but it did not take him. He lay for a while on his bed, alone in the room, stretched out on his belly, running his fingertips absently across the crisp, clean sheets. His mind was too full of things to let him sleep. He kept expecting Zack to burst in, and half his mind was tuned to listening out for any signs of the SOLDIER's approach.
Zack didn't come, and after a while he pulled himself up off the bed and headed into the shower, unable to stand how grimy he felt. He stood for a while with his hands braced against the shower wall, letting the water beat down across his back and ease sore muscles. Afterwards, he dressed, pulled on some shoes, and left the dorm.
As a cadet, he didn't often have any real business in the ShinRa tower, because the military offices were separate. Even Sephiroth's office wasn't in the ShinRa tower, despite his status as ShinRa's poster-boy. The tower was reserved for the high-ranking company officials, Hojo's labs (which he did sometimes have to visit), and the offices for the side of the company which was ShinRa Electricity. Most of the world was controlled from ShinRa tower.
As a cadet, he also had to go in the front entrance, and report to reception just like any normal citizen. When people looked at him, he knew their first thought wasn't 'army cadet', so he had to wear his uniform to signify that he was affiliated with the company. He made his way to the front desk, taking a deep breath, and one of the receptionists, a dark-haired young man with glasses, smiled in that way all receptionists did when he spotted Cloud's figure nearing.
"May I help you?"
"Uh...I need to know if it's possible to see the head of the Turks, Tseng," Cloud said, and realised that he was very close to not being able to go back.
"I can place a call to Mr. Tseng's secretary, but I believe that appointments need to be made in advance," the receptionist said, in that way that said 'there's no way you're seeing Tseng today.' "Can I take your name, please?"
"Cloud Strife."
"Please wait a moment." A flash of that disarming, generic smile again, and he picked up the phone. Cloud shifted his weight restlessly, sliding his hands into his pockets. After a moment of speaking into the receiver, the man said, "I'm sorry, but unfortunately Mr. Tseng is booked up for the day."
"The secretary won't know who I am. Ask them to ask Tseng personally. He knows who I am," Cloud glowered. He knew they were just doing their jobs, but it still annoyed him. His courage was beginning to wane, too - if he didn't do this now, he wasn't sure he'd be able to come back. He still wasn't sure what he was going to say, exactly.
The receptionist stared at him for a moment, and then took his hand away from the receiver. "Uh, I'm sorry about this, but Mr. Strife says that Mr. Tseng is aware of who he is, and could you ask your boss personally if he's able to meet...Sure, I'll hold."
Cloud settled for keeping his eyes on the receptionist, hoping that his unwavering, expectant stare would creep the man out enough to give him the card key to go up the elevator.
The receptionist was freaked out enough that his eyes were going everywhere but Cloud's face as he waited for a response on the other end. Cloud had to stop himself from smirking.
The receptionist's head jerked suddenly. "Yes, I'm here. Okay, I'll pass it on. Thank you very much." He put the phone down and Cloud raised an eyebrow, waiting. "Mr. Tseng says he can fit you in now." The man reached under the desk and started fumbling around, until he produced a card key. "This is for the floor on which the Turk's offices are situated. I'm sure you're aware that these cards will only let you go to that specific floor, not anywhere else. Just swipe it through as you go in the elevator." He handed over the card, and the smile was abruptly back. "Have a nice day."
"Thank you," Cloud conceded, and headed off towards the elevators.
He always had to face the doors when the elevators were moving, because if he looked out of the glass panes at Midgar it made him feel a bit motion sick. He watched the display instead, counting along as they shot up the floors. The Turks being who they were, their offices were on one of the higher floors. Cloud wondered why they even bothered pretending that all they did was scout for SOLDIER candidates, because any outfit that had that sole purpose would have been housed with the rest of the military.
The elevator dinged gently to let him know that they'd reached the correct floor, as if the lurch of his stomach as the lift abruptly came to a halt hadn't told him that already. For a moment, Cloud had to stand there with a hand against the wall as he waited for his stomach to settle again.
The floor looked empty at first sight, but Cloud rounded a corner and spotted the secretary's desk. The woman held out a hand and said, "I.D. please." He fished it out and gave it to her, and she waved him through. "He's waiting for you, second door on your right."
"Thanks." Cloud followed the line of her arm where she pointed to a door further along the corridor. He schooled himself, trying to calm the sudden rapid beating of his heart, and made his way towards the door.
What was he supposed to say? He knew he wasn't as good at hiding things as he wanted to be, or even thought he was, and someone like Tseng could eat him alive because of that. If he didn't screw things up in the meantime, Sephiroth would always be able to deal with any fallout, but Cloud wasn't used to leaving things to others. Knowing that this might be out of his league made him uneasy.
He knocked on the door before he could think any more about it. Almost immediately, Tseng's voice called him in, and he opened the door. Tseng's office was a surprisingly spacious affair and, like Sephiroth's, was kept as clear of clutter as possible. A wide desk sat opposite the door, windows behind it, and between them stood Tseng, who was closing a file smoothly as Cloud entered. He smiled reassuringly, the first time that Cloud could think of seeing that expression since he'd woken up here, and it made his stomach protest all over again.
"Good afternoon, cadet Strife," Tseng said in that low, cool voice, but his eyes flashed. "How may I help you?"
"I..." Cloud realised he really should have planned this. What was it with him and just charging into delicate situations? "I wanted to discuss the training sessions you've been scheduling, sir."
One fine eyebrow raised at that. "Oh?"
"I wanted to...withdraw from them, sir." The second eyebrow raised, and Cloud wondered if he'd actually caught Tseng by surprise with that.
"Why, may I ask?" Tseng asked, his tone still diplomatic, but not quite as friendly as it had been before. "And may I enquire as to what exactly this withdrawal means? For example, are you talking about just for the SOLDIER exam period?"
Cloud shook his head. "What I mean is, with all due respect, sir...I wish to withdraw completely. The exams for SOLDIER are very close and SOLDIER is what I came here to join. I don't feel...comfortable, with anything else, sir." He met Tseng's eyes as best he could as he spoke, determined not to back down, and as he spoke he saw the Turk's expression flatten into nothingness.
"Is this a decision made off your own back?" Tseng asked coolly, and he didn't even try to disguise the look of calculation.
"Yes, sir," Cloud answered. What was Tseng trying to imply? Who would have had any influence over him? Reno might have been trying to discourage him, he supposed, and maybe Sephiroth's shining ideal as the best SOLDIER alive...
"Are you afraid of what being a Turk means?" Tseng suddenly asked.
"No..." Cloud could feel a frown pulling at his features, his puzzlement showing. "No, it's not that. I want to be in SOLDIER, that's all."
"For some people I might have said having no fear of what being a Turk does to you would mean you're missing something of the qualities needed for SOLDIER," Tseng said. "Do you believe SOLDIER a more upstanding profession? One free of the possibility of moral taint?"
"No, sir..."
"I'm sure you must be aware that SOLDIER has its fair share of secrets."
Cloud wasn't sure whether he should play dumb or not to a question as loaded as that. "I'm sure it must do, sir..."
Tseng's mouth pulled into a slight smirk, amusement sharp in it. "And your General, the greatest secret of all?"
Cloud said nothing. This was dangerous ground - far too dangerous for a cadet like him. Why was Tseng bringing it up? "I don't understand, sir..."
The older man's smirk widened briefly, still amused. "We are not so different from SOLDIER as you think. Although, I'm sure you'd be surprised to discover which of SOLDIER and the Turks I find more deplorable. However..." The amusement drained out of his expression, and he straightened, sliding his arms to rest behind his back. "I have very little right to hold you back from SOLDIER. I'm sure you'll do admirably there. I formally release you from further sessions and I'll make a note on your records as such."
It wasn't supposed to be that easy, and Cloud was sure he looked as startled as he felt. "Thank you, sir."
"As long as you're happy you've made the right decision," Tseng said, but there was little sincerity in his deep voice. "I appreciate you coming to see me in person."
"Thank you, sir," Cloud said again, and he was sure he was supposed to be delighted by this outcome but Tseng's still face and cool voice held little comfort for him.
The older man inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Done, then. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend..."
Cloud hastily saluted and backed out of the room, Tseng's gaze intent and constant until the blond was out of view. The door was barely shut before Tseng reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. He clicked a button and held it to his ear as it rang.
"Hello?"
"It's Tseng. Are you at a computer right now?"
"I am. Why?"
Tseng paused, and tapped his fingers lightly against the hard plastic of the telephone. After a moment, he shook his head and said, "On second thought, don't worry about it now. I'll wait a bit longer."
"Whatever you say, boss."
Tseng hung up.
-----
Zack rather liked being in SOLDIER. Of course, it always helped to like your job, but Zack found that he got a perverse sense of satisfaction out of a lot of the things that went with his position, above and beyond what most people did. He wasn't humble enough to not like the way some people were in awe of him because he was in SOLDIER. He rather liked how girl's eyes shone when he told them what he did for a living (when neither he nor they actually thought about what his job entailed too much). At the moment, he finding a lot of amusement out of cleaning the Buster sword. He had it propped between his knees (it took enough skill to do that), and whistled as he rubbed polish down the blade. It wasn't the act itself, so much as the way a SOLDIER polishing a sword almost as big as a grown man was enough to unnerve the cadets so that they either left the armoury entirely, or just turned right back around and went without even entering.
He whistled with a smile on his face. That probably scared them more.
He was half-turned away from the door, so if he was concentrating on the Buster sword then he couldn't see the entrance, or the people coming and going. But he sensed when someone appeared in the doorway, and something in the sound of those footsteps, and then something else in the air, almost tangible but just beyond his conscious reach, told him it was Sephiroth. "Look at me," he said without turning. "See, I can be a responsible SOLDIER! I clean my own weapons and everything."
There was dead silence from behind him for moment. "What do you want, a biscuit?" Sephiroth retorted finally.
"You have biscuits?" Zack piped up hopefully, twisting around to gaze imploringly at his visitor. Sephiroth leaned against the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, looking unimpressed. "I'll go for a pat on the head if you don't. Either's good."
Sephiroth snorted, eyes dropping somewhere to the side. Zack smiled, the expression slightly tight around the edges, and turned back to his sword. He ran the cloth lovingly, carefully, up the edge of the blade. "How's Cloud?"
"He's fine." How could one man's voice hold so much in it, and yet give none of it away? "He woke up not too long ago. The doctor said he could go. He should be back in his dorm by now, resting."
"And you didn't go with him to check he got back okay?" Zack asked.
Sephiroth had gone silent again at Zack's tone, but after a moment he said, "I told Cloud I'd inform you of his condition. He seemed well enough to both myself and the doctor. It didn't cross my mind to -"
"Seph, just shut up," Zack cut in wearily. "I'm not moaning at you. If the doctor thought he was fine, and you thought he was fine, I'm happy. If he'd been out of sorts, I'm sure you would've noticed." There were some points where he could only wish that he had more patience. He knew some would have said he had the patience of a saint as it was to put up with someone like Sephiroth, but they didn't know the silver-haired man. It took less than most might think, but even he forgot what he was dealing with at times. Sephiroth did not, and would not likely ever, think like Zack did. And not only that, but Sephiroth was still learning to deal with someone less emotionally robust than Zack, the only person he had experience of dealing with as a real friend.
If Cloud was going to be worming his way into Sephiroth's life, it would take time for Sephiroth to adjust, just as it had taken time for him to learn how to deal with Zack. Just because Zack had no trouble with new people, did not mean that everyone else didn't, and he was too quick to forget that.
God, but he wanted it to be different. If only they could get past all the superfluous, hindering details of rank and age and all that shit - he could only imagine how good they might be for one another. If only they'd just suck it up already and get on with it.
And if Sephiroth used Cloud, didn't think anything more of him than he did those other idiots he's been with? You'd never forgive yourself if you let Sephiroth do that to him. And you'd never forgive yourself if you let Sephiroth do that to himself again.
Sephiroth moved then, Zack's Mako-sensitised hearing picking up the slight shift in weight, the accompanying slide of leather over leather. Zack did not turn to follow where Sephiroth went. The other man walked behind him and the bench he was sitting on, but settled himself next to the younger man. Out of the corner of his eye, Zack could see the slight curve of Sephiroth's back, and the belt around the man's waist underneath the spill of that fine hair.
"You alright, Seph?" he asked quietly.
"I've been thinking about what you said," Sephiroth murmured. His whole body was very still. "About everything you've been saying to me recently."
"Oh?" If it was anyone else, he might lean in against that warmth, giving encouragement by touching, but he knew very well that Sephiroth had placed himself as close to Zack as he was physically comfortable with, and it was a hell of a lot closer than he'd ever sit with anyone else, so Zack let it be.
He watched Sephiroth's back as the older man sighed. "I am not comfortable with this...thing, Zack. Not in the slightest." His tone was slightly angry, almost bitter.
"What 'thing' exactly? Are we talking about this whole emotional bullshit I make you go through, or the thing with The-Cadet-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?"
"While I am just as uncomfortable with the first, I was referring specifically to the second."
"Ah." Zack nodded. He ran the cloth in his hand against the sharp edge of his sword a little more, admiring the shine he was beginning to bring up in the weapon. Turning the blade a little, he could see Sephiroth's reflection, the way the older man had turned his head a little towards him, watching Zack out of the far corner of his eye. "What do you want me to do, Seph?"
"Tell me how to get rid of it. Tell me how to stop feeling these things."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, steady on." Zack lay the Buster sword against the floor, freeing himself of its weight, and twisted his torso around. Sephiroth's head was forward and lowered, turned away from him. "Seph, why would I want to do that?"
"Zack, I cannot do this," Sephiroth hissed. "It is inappropriate, and as General I must put my position first -"
"Bullshit, we both know you can get around rank if you really want to. Tell me the real reason why."
"The boy is sixteen, Zack. Sixteen."
"That's another shit reason, we've been over that one. Now, listen to me, and don't interrupt, because I am going to tell you a few things you need to hear." He let his frustration carry over into his voice, a commanding tone harsh enough to keep Sephiroth sitting and his attention focused. "Sephiroth, however much you seem to think otherwise, you are the same as any other person out there. You are allowed to feel, and contrary to what you also seem to think, feeling is not some great sin, and certainly nothing that you are above of. You are a man, Seph, and for Shiva's sake, give yourself a break for once."
"That still does not entitle me-"
"Shut the fuck up, Seph," Zack snapped. "Between you and Cloud, the self-pity is going to drive me fucking insane. When I snap and destroy half of ShinRa, I blame it on having to deal with you two shitheads. Now listen to me - this isn't about Cloud, this is about you. If you never take the chance, if you never let yourself feel these things, heaven forbid even act on those emotions, then you'll be the robot you obviously want to be, and you'll rip apart everything that could ever be important in life in the process. I'm not going to let you do that. I am your friend, and God help me, Sephiroth, I'm not going to sit back and let you beat yourself up over something that is normal, either."
Sephiroth's back shifted again, another long breath escaping the older SOLDIER. "This is normal, Zack?"
"Perfectly, Seph. Perfectly normal."
Another long breath, in and out. Sephiroth raised a hand, then, and rubbed at his temple. "Sometimes I don't know whether you make things better or worse, Zackary."
Zack laughed, and bumped his shoulder against Sephiroth's briefly. "And I didn't even have to yell at you properly."
"You're not supposed to yell at your superior."
"Tell it to someone who cares, man."
"Hn..." Zack watched as Sephiroth ran his hand over his face, eyes closed momentarily. For that moment, Sephiroth looked as tired as Zack suspected he was, everything beginning to catch up with him. How much of that might dissipate if he had a lover to focus on; someone who would take care of him better than even Zack could? Zack sometimes felt that Aeris was one of the only things that kept him sane, after having to deal with ShinRa's shit everyday for the past few years. Sephiroth had been brought up as the centre of that shit - surely everyone had their limits.
God, but what if he was being too positive about the whole thing? What if they wouldn't be good for each other at all? What if Sephiroth needed someone more outgoing, more confident in themselves and what they wanted? There were too many if's - and too many things riding on those if's.
"I've got a question for you," he said, mulling it over in his mind even as he spoke. "And you have to answer truthfully."
Sephiroth stiffened. "What?"
"When Cloud collapsed, when you saw him go, what did you feel?"
The older man went quiet, thoughtful, and Zack knew Sephiroth was partly trying to work out the significance of the question before he answered. "I want the truth," Zack reiterated.
"I..." Sephiroth shook his head ruefully. "I remember, I wasn't prepared for it at all. He took a step, and then he just went down, his legs just went from under him. I was...I was afraid." He laughed, low and mirthless and the sound had always made Zack's stomach clench uncomfortably. "I was afraid for him, Zack. Is that truthful enough for you?"
Zack knew the slightly harsh question at the end was only Sephiroth's defensiveness at having to reveal such things, so he ignored it. He nodded instead, and murmured, "Thank you."
Sephiroth snorted, still unsure of why Zack had asked that particular question, and not knowing that his answer had eased the younger man's worries a bit. He bumped Sephiroth's arm again, anything to ease the tension across the older man's shoulders. Sephiroth did not pull away at the contact, or even flinch, which made Zack smile to himself.
They were getting there, slowly but surely. And it's taken you this long, Zack. There's no way you can give up now. Not when you're this close to getting him to realise he's not so different, and not without friends or family...or love.
"Did you know," Sephiroth said abruptly, "that Tseng has taken an interest in him?"
Ice shot through him. "Cloud? The Turks want Cloud?"
"Apparently so." Sephiroth rubbed thoughtfully at his jaw with leather-cased fingers. "Though Cloud said he wasn't particularly enamoured with the idea."
Zack snorted. "He wouldn't be."
Sephiroth shot him a quick look, but it was so fast Zack couldn't even begin to decipher what it had been. "What are we doing about it?" he asked instead. "We can't let Tseng have him. God, can you imagine it?" He shuddered at the thought, imagining a suit-clad Cloud with no pity in his eyes, no nothing. "He'd be fucking terrifying after they got through with him." The Turk-Cloud in his head smiled, cold and utterly brilliant, and raised a pistol to aim between his eyes. Another tremor wracked through him.
Sephiroth made a soft noise - somewhere between a snort and a laugh. "And you think he'd be less so after SOLDIER finished with him?"
"Of course he would be," Zack said. "He's got us to help him through that shit. Who would he have in the Turks? No-one. Cloud needs people, though sometimes you need to convince him of that." He grinned then, over his shoulder at Sephiroth's black-clad form, who seemed to sense his humour and snorted.
"I am aware of the similarity you seem to see."
"'Seem to see'," Zack chortled back at him. "My ass. You know you need me, at least." He was tempted to add something lewd to that about what kind of things Sephiroth couldn't accomplish by himself, but bit his tongue to keep the remark at bay. It was good, at least, that he could do that when it was just the two of them, because if he ever slipped up in Cloud's hearing range...
He could imagine it, all too clearly, because Cloud reacted too much like Sephiroth, except for one difference: Sephiroth would never show the hurt, would just look at him as blank as stone, but Cloud... For just a moment, before he could pull himself together, he'd see the way that full mouth thinned and how pained his eyes could be before they just went dead.
"What are we going to do about Cloud?" Zack sighed, half to himself.
It wasn't until Sephiroth answered, "I'm considering paying a visit to Tseng," and it startled him like an abrupt change of subject, that Zack realised he hadn't even been referring to that.
-----
Tseng tapped his fingers restlessly against the top of his desk, gazing at the report sheet sitting in front of him. It was getting late and his secretary had already gone home for the evening, leaving Tseng to ever-present overtime work. Though, to be fair, his overtime had dropped dramatically ever since the President had stopped seeming to care whether they kept up their facade as SOLDIER scouts or not (and, given that freedom, they generally didn't bother).
Things were coming to a head in ShinRa, though. Tseng knew that, before long, he'd have his hands full. The wheels were already being put in motion.
He rested his chin in the palm of his other hand, elbow against the arm of his chair. A knock interrupted his thoughts, and he raised his eyes to the door. "Come in."
The door swung open, none of the hesitance in it that Strife had shown earlier, and Sephiroth was standing in the doorway, all lean muscle and leather. Tseng sat upright in his chair, folding his hands neatly across his crossed knees. The General had always been a stunning man to look at, for as long as Tseng could remember. Not much younger than Sephiroth, he could still remember the other man as a teenager, everything about him extreme. Socially inept, coldly handsome, and strong beyond anyone's wildest dreams - all to the same painful degree.
Now, he was the most powerful man in the military, but even from what little Tseng knew now, he knew that in the scheme of things, Sephiroth was more helpless than anyone.
"To what do I owe this...dubious pleasure, General?" Tseng said carefully. Sephiroth did not make social calls. His cold, distant demeanour had been somewhat thawed by that idiotic SOLDIER he never saw far from the General's side, but Sephiroth was still aloof, still disconnected.
Sephiroth moved into the room, and you could hear how much muscle was on that slim frame by the solid sound of his footfalls. "Good evening. I apologise if the hour is too late..."
"Not at all, not at all," Tseng assured him politely, inclining his head. "Will you take a seat?"
"No, thank you." Sephiroth inclined his own head, but the nicety was just for show. SOLDIER and the Turks had never really seen eye-to-eye. However, Tseng had always maintained that Sephiroth did not bother himself with petty things like that - maybe it didn't even cross Sephiroth's mind that he should bother - but then he had come to realise that that did not mean Sephiroth was neutral about people either. And everyone knew that the Turks preyed on SOLDIER candidates at times - that, at least, was a real reason Sephiroth might hold against him. He might dismiss Sephiroth's hold over things, but he wasn't stupid - Sephiroth was not someone you wanted to be on the bad side of.
"So, was there anything I could help you with?" he enquired, watching the older man's face carefully. You had to watch him carefully to be able to read anything at all. Tseng sometimes wondered if that was because there was no emotion in the General to be seen anyway.
"Yes, depending on how...co-operative you're feeling." Tseng's office wasn't brightly lit, and he could see that Sephiroth's pupils were dilated enough that they almost looked normal.
"Well, that depends on what your request is," Tseng countered, spreading his hands.
The corner of Sephiroth's mouth pulled up briefly into a humourless smirk. "I wish to get straight to the point. As far as I'm concerned, this situation with the SOLDIER cadets is becoming ridiculous. I know very well that you have an eye on our cadets when there is an opening in the Turks, but you have no official capacity in which to take them. Singling out one student, that I might overlook, but you're going beyond that now. Those cadets are for SOLDIER - they were not brought here for you to peruse through."
Tseng had to fight a slight smile. So, he'd picked a cadet that SOLDIER particularly wanted this time, had he? It had to be the blond - no fuss had been made when it was just Reno. "If I might ease your distress, General," he said smoothly, and watched Sephiroth's still face, "I have already had a visit from Strife. He has already been released from my watch at his own request." He slid his gaze away, gesturing with his hand to affect nonchalance, "Though I'm sure he'd appreciate such a powerful, noticeable figure acting as a...a knight in shining armour, if you will."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the General's expression tighten with displeasure.
He had honestly begun to regard Sephiroth as a being incapable of human emotion. To have this - some boy from the middle of nowhere - suddenly become a sore point...
He hadn't, honestly, thought too much of the boy, either. Talented, yes - anyone could see that, though how he'd missed it before was another matter entirely - but other than that? The boy's disinclination to join the Turks had been unexpected food for thought, but he'd let it be. Until this.
"Was there anything else you wanted, General?"
"You're too arrogant, Turk," Sephiroth said, but there was little heat in his voice. "You forget your place at times. Perhaps you should keep that in mind before you try and incite my anger."
"Duly noted."
Sephiroth smiled then, darkly, and it was every bit as intimidating as Tseng had heard it was. "Good night, Turk."
"Good night, General."
Sephiroth did not spare him another glance, turning and sweeping out of the door as only 6ft of SOLDIER General could. Tseng rested his elbow on the desk and his chin in his palm, smiling behind his fingers. After a moment, he picked up his phone and dialled.
"Hello?"
"Are you still at a computer?" Tseng enquired.
"You know I am, boss."
"Good." He found himself tapping his fingers on the desk again. "Get onto the network and tag SOLDIER cadet Cloud Strife's file. I want him watched."
-----
End Chapter 15.
1. I actually don't know when Tseng became head of the Turks - I get the feeling that he probably wouldn't have had such a high position this long before the game started, but I know next to nothing about Before Crisis (events, characters, you name it), so I'm afraid Tseng got landed with the job.
2. Thank you, everyone, for sticking with this for all this time. You don't know how much I appreciate it. And thank you to Dina, who still beta's for me :)