Fusion
by Knowing Shadows
Part 1: Chapter 16
Disclaimer: See Chapter One.
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"I hate you so much right now," Zack muttered, rubbing one hand over his face. "I really…" His voice trailed off, and Cloud looked up to see Zack's jaw split wide into a yawn. When it passed, he continued, "…hate you, Cloud."
"You'll get over it," Cloud replied, letting his gaze rove back to the doorway they were heading towards. Through it, he could see other cadets milling around, summoned to the training centre the same as Cloud and Zack had been.
"I don't think you fully appreciate the fact that you woke me up," Zack went on, "a full half hour before I was expecting to have to be awake."
"If you forgot what time the memo said," Cloud said, heading through the doorway, "then it's hardly my fault. You should be thanking me, otherwise you'd have missed it."
Zack's voice became a whine and Cloud didn't have to look back to know exactly what expression had formed on his friend's face. He fought back a smile. "But I don't have to be here really. I know what they're going to say and I'm only here because I'm in charge of you lot, I'm not actually going on this stupid practical exam…"
If Zack carried on after that, Cloud wasn't sure, because his attention was taken up observing the room around him. About half the students seemed to have arrived and were standing around waiting for instructions. He spotted Reno talking to several of their classmates, near the back of the throng. The instructors were all at the other end of the room, engrossed in a conversation of their own. Sephiroth stood, tall and regal, with them, though he seemed to be listening rather than contributing to the conversation. As if sensing Cloud's scrutiny (which wouldn't surprise Cloud in the slightest), he turned his head and met the blond's gaze squarely. The corner of his mouth lifted only very slightly, but to Cloud it spoke volumes.
There are a hundred people in this room and it's me you turn to look at, he thought in wonder. I'll make sure I'm worthy of that attention somehow.
Zack grabbed his elbow then and began to lead him towards the edge of the crowd nearest the instructors. Cloud let himself be led, since Zack's grip on him was pretty firm. When he looked back again, Sephiroth had turned his attention to the group around him, and this time they were listening to him speak. He had a piece of paper in his hand and was tapping part of it, then slid his finger down and tapped a different part. The instructors nearest him leaned over to see what he'd been pointing out, and then several of them began speaking back, though from where he was, Cloud couldn't hear anything of what they were saying. Sephiroth frowned briefly as one of the men said something to him.
"He doesn't look too happy," Zack murmured. They watched as Sephiroth interrupted the man speaking to him with a wave of his hand and shook his head. Zack whistled quietly. "Not happy at all."
Though Cloud remembered having this meeting, Sephiroth hadn't been there the first time. He supposed it should feel strange having something that should be familiar feel, instead, new and exciting, but it didn't. That Sephiroth was here told him that whatever he was doing was indeed affecting the course of events, and that was what he'd wanted, after all. His reason for joining SOLDIER now was to be worthy enough in Sephiroth's eyes that the older man might be persuaded by him not to go to Nibelheim. Seeing this, something new in a past he'd never expected to have the chance to change, made him feel warm with happiness.
Not that this really felt like the past. He was surprised by how much it felt like living in the present. Yes, he knew the vague shape of things to come, but his memories of before Nibelheim were blurry enough that he'd forgotten a lot of the details. He wasn't sure how much of that was due to what he and Hojo had done to his mind, and what was due to time. From what was, he assumed, a combination of both, his memories of the exam itself was equally hazy. He could recall where they'd gone, and even had some pretty sharp memories of wandering dim rock passages with other cadets, but there was surprisingly little else there. By now he was used to his memories being that way, and it didn't bother him as it once had.
He continued to watch as the instructors tried to talk to Sephiroth and all seemed to be cut off again with another wave of his hand. He was surprised to see several of the men, who could and did scare the shit out of most of the cadets, looking uneasy and nervous at Sephiroth's apparent unhappiness. It amazed him that such a small gesture from Sephiroth could unsettle the others so.
Zack was unusually quiet, and he was also watching his superior.
"Zack..?" Cloud ventured.
"It's the group list," Zack said suddenly, looking pleased that he'd worked it out. "That's what the paper is." His expression pulled into a frown. "Why wouldn't he be happy with the groups?" He shook his head, and Cloud had the feeling Zack was more talking to himself than to Cloud.
"Maybe they stuck me in the same group as Ratchett," Cloud said.
"They wouldn't be that stupid," Zack scoffed, but then paused. "I hope." He thought about it for a bit longer, and then said, "Nah, they won't have done that. They know Seph would kill them if they had."
Cloud wondered, briefly, if Sephiroth really cared that much about what had happened – cared enough about him – but Zack had sounded so sure.
"Right, ladies!" came a sudden shout from the front, and Cloud raised startled eyes to the instructors. One of them, a man Cloud knew from drills, had come forward with some papers in his hands. The cadets went quiet. "As I'm sure you're all very aware, in a couple of days we will be taking you all across to the Corel mountains for your practical exam. You're here this morning for a brief overview on what you're all going to be doing, to find out your groups and which officer is attached to that group, and for the information packs we've put together." He motioned to the far side of the instructors and Cloud craned his head – a table was there, set up against the edge of the barrier, with a pile of large envelopes stacked up on it. "The info packs contain all the information you will be told here and much more, so make sure you learn it! As I'm sure most of you know by now you'll be split into three groups headed by an officer – this year, though whether you're lucky or not matters on your point of view, the General will be heading one of the groups. You will be infiltrating and securing a small base in the Corel mountains that is housing the stragglers of a rebel group. Success in passing the exam does not necessarily rest on whether or not the base is secured by the end of the time period, but on many factors which are detailed in the packs." He pulled one piece of paper out of the stack in his hands and said, "The groups are divided A, B and C. A will be headed by Sephiroth, B by Sands and C by Morgan. Groups are as such: in group A, cadets Ashley, Barnes, Derrickson, Farrier, Ferera, Knightly, Morse, Phillips, Strife, Umber. In group B…"
Cloud found that he wasn't surprised by that, even if he'd been hoping for it. He looked towards the older man but Sephiroth didn't look back at him, and after a moment Cloud wondered what he'd have done if he had. What was he even looking for?
Zack leaned in then whilst the instructor was reeling off the other names, held his mouth close to Cloud's ear. "He wants to watch you on a real battlefield, see how you cope," he said. "See what you can really do."
Cloud wasn't really surprised by that either and nodded his head. He turned his attention back to the instructor just as he said, "-Ratchett, Romero, Verne. In group C…"
"Well, Ratchett's not in your group," Zack mused aloud. "Wonder what got Seph's panties in a knot, then."
Out of the corner of his eye Cloud saw the nearest person to them turn wide, startled eyes on them at the word "panties," and he had to stifle a laugh, bringing a hand up to his mouth to hide his smile. He turned his mind purposefully away from the image because Sephiroth always looked good in his mind whatever he wore and he needed to be listening to what the instructor was saying, not pondering the possible virtues of Sephiroth in lingerie.
"The groups," the instructor went on, "are basically separate but groups A and B will, for a short time, meet up to proceed together through the base –"
"Ah," Zack said. "I forgot about that."
"What?" Cloud hissed, looking up at the dark-haired man.
"Ratchett's in group B, which means for part of the exam, you and he will basically be in the same group." He shook his head. "No wonder Sephiroth was annoyed."
Cloud frowned. Saying "Can't they put him in a different group?" made him sound like he was 5 years old. He was 16, and trying to get into SOLDIER. You couldn't always get on with your co-workers, so he'd just have to put up with the other boy. He'd just have to act like the adult he was out to prove he was. So he shrugged and said, "It's fine," instead.
"If you're sure," Zack said, sounding doubtful.
Cloud only half-listened to the rest of what was being said. Was he being too dismissive? If that was what Sephiroth was upset about, and even Zack sounded uneasy, was there really something to worry about? He stood there, puzzling it over, but he kept going back to the thought that surely Ratchett wouldn't try anything while Sephiroth was there. Not in the exam. It would scupper his own chances of getting into SOLDIER.
He looked around, trying to see if he could spot Ratchett and see what his reaction was to the whole thing. It wasn't hard to find him – with a shock that froze his chest for a moment, he found the other boy glaring at him through the crowd. The glare only deepened when Cloud met his eyes.
He might want to try something, but he won't. Not with Sephiroth there. Ignore him.
He turned away resolutely, determined to put Ratchett out of his mind. Worrying about it would only stress him out and the exam was worrying enough.
"…have no differences between them," the instructor was saying, and with a jolt Cloud realized he had no idea what the man was talking about. "They contain the different objectives and stratagem for all three groups. You must study them all. You can never know exactly what will happen in a real-life situation and it is always vital that you know what your comrades are doing. Learn everything in the packs because you're going to need it. Now, will the members of group A come forward and collect their packs from the tables please."
Cloud had to pass by Sephiroth on his way to the table, and managed to stop himself from looking up and trying to catch the other man's eye. He was absurdly proud of himself, and managed to do it again on the way back with the envelope of papers in his hands.
He fancied he could feel Sephiroth watching him go by and fought the giddy feeling in his stomach before it bubbled up and made him smile too obviously.
He went to stand back by Zack and watched the others go and collect their packs. After they were done, the instructors dismissed everyone and started to disperse themselves, though none of the students looked ready to leave. Instead, everyone stood around reading their packs and discussing them animatedly. Cloud watched them, excited and apprehensive. It was so close already. He'd already been here for, what, 3 months?
Time was passing quickly, and he still had a lot to do.
"I assume he's going to be more alert than this in the exam," came Sephiroth's amused voice suddenly, and Cloud spun round to find him standing with Zack. They were both watching him, though Zack was smirking widely. Cloud snapped a hasty salute.
"I dunno," Zack said, tapping his jaw thoughtfully. "I think he might be broken."
Cloud blinked, momentarily confused, before he felt his cheeks grow abruptly warm. "Sorry, sir, I –"
"Geez, relax," Zack cut him off, grinning. "We're playing with you. And the fact that it's 'we' means it's either gonna be a good day or the world is going to end. I'll have to wait to find out which. I'll let Sephiroth choose which it's gonna be."
"How gracious of you," Sephiroth murmured, his voice dry.
It's going to be a good day, Cloud thought to himself.
Sephiroth turned his eyes from Zack to Cloud, and the amusement abruptly faded out of them. "I trust you're well today," he said, sounding strangely formal.
"I feel fine," Cloud told him, wondering what exactly the formality was covering up. "Zack told me I've got to take it easy today but I don't see why, 'cause I really do feel fine, sir."
"Zack, for once, has the right idea," Sephiroth replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "But I imagine it won't be hard to do, considering you've got all that to go over." He nodded to the envelope Cloud was holding in his hand. "There's a lot of information in there."
"I'll make sure I know it," Cloud said. He worried his lip briefly. "I'll make sure I'm not a disappointment to the team, sir."
Something flashed in Sephiroth's face but only very briefly, and then his eyes were hesitantly warm. "I'm sure you won't be," he said. "I'm already impressed – I hear you spoke to Tseng."
"Tseng?" Zack piped up, but when Cloud glanced over he was staring questioning at Sephiroth, who kept his eyes intently on the blond.
"Did he say something?" Cloud asked.
"I admit that I didn't expect you to go, at least not so soon," the older man said. "So I paid him a visit and he informed me that you'd already spoken to him about it."
Cloud frowned a little. "I thought you weren't going to do anything unless I…asked you to, sir."
At that, Sephiroth's expression took on a tinge of guilt. "I know, and I'm sorry, but in the end I thought it would be better to get it over and done with before the exams. Tseng is a difficult man. I wasn't sure he'd even listen to you if you had gone. Since you are under my charge as a SOLDIER cadet, he has no choice but to listen to me."
"Oh." He could see Zack glancing between the two of them, a funny look on his face. "Thank you, sir. For going."
Sephiroth waved it away, looking a little uncomfortable at the thanks. "It was nothing."
"Er…what was this talk with Tseng about?" Zack asked. He looked a little put-out at not knowing. "Did you ask him to stop pestering you about the Turks?" When both Cloud and Sephiroth nodded, he abruptly grinned, perking up. "That's great! Now I can enjoy the graduation party without worrying you're gonna go running off to the Turks!"
"And I won't have to listen to you whine about it when you get drunk," Sephiroth said. "So yes, it is a good thing."
"Graduation party?" Cloud queried, interest piqued. "So there is one? I'd heard rumours but no-one's said…"
"Oh ho ho," Zack said, rubbing his hands together with a grin that looked more like a leer. "Of course there's a graduation party. And it's always legendary, because all the SOLDIERs have to attend and greet the newbies, have a drink with them, and everyone bar Sephiroth gets drunk off their asses. Seph just normally sits there looking put-upon."
"I am put-upon," Sephiroth said.
Zack gave Cloud a look that clearly said, 'You see what I mean?' Cloud let his lips curve into a small smile, glancing between the two. Sephiroth looked more…relaxed than normal, after the strange pensiveness when he'd asked after Cloud's health. Listening to them interact with one another like that made him feel warm – though he wasn't really saying anything, he still felt like he was a part of their easy camaraderie, just standing there with them. But he was still left wanting – in his ideal world, it would be the easiest thing in existence just to lean over and draw Sephiroth down into a quick, familiar kiss.
"And everyone always has embarrassing stories to tell about everyone else for months afterwards," Zack was saying gleefully. "It's worth being a SOLDIER just to go to this thing. Some people try to bring dates but the majority just go to have a laugh." He winked at Cloud. "You can get up to more things without someone there to stop you, hehe. All those hot, drunk, red-blooded men in one place? Yum yum." He grinned, and then his look turned abruptly sly as he looked between Sephiroth and Cloud. "Either of you two got anyone in mind to take to the party?"
Cloud knew he had gone red again, but before he could answer he saw Sephiroth shoot Zack a dark, angry look, which the dark-haired man ignored. It startled him – the question was harmless, so what had prompted that?
"No-one feasible," Sephiroth said shortly, still watching Zack.
"I'll go alone," Cloud said, a little hesitant after the tone Sephiroth had taken. "It's more fun with just the guys, like you said."
"Good choice," Zack purred, giving Cloud a suggestive once over. Cloud was used to Zack doing that, and knew it didn't mean anything, but he saw Sephiroth's eyes dart from Zack to him and then back again. His cheeks felt warm again.
Sephiroth coughed politely and said, "As riveting as discussing the graduation reception is, you and I have work to do, Zack."
"Spoilsport," Zack replied.
"What cutting words," Sephiroth drawled. "But, unfortunately, I speak the truth. Cloud has work to be doing anyway, and we shouldn't keep him." He reached up to grasp Zack's elbow, apparently intending to steer him away. He looked back at Cloud. "Goodbye for now. And good luck."
"Thank you." Cloud found himself smiling again. "Bye."
"I'll see you later!" Zack said with a grin and then he was being urged away. Cloud watched them go, until with a start he realised he wasn't alone.
Reno was standing beside him, and he seemed to be watching the two retreating SOLDIERs the same as Cloud had. After a moment he looked over, and crossed his arms over his chest. "You told me nothing would ever happen between you and him," he said suddenly, face unhappy. "I thought you weren't gonna be that stupid."
"There's not – there's nothing –" Cloud sputtered.
Reno only snorted, and looked away.
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If Reno really was annoyed with him, then he didn't show it the next day. Cloud went into classes feeling apprehensive, wondering how Reno would act after his unexpected outburst the day before, but the other boy just flashed him a slightly guilty smile and asked if he'd like to do some partner work.
The slight edge of worry to that smile told him that Reno was sorry, even if the red-haired boy didn't say it outright, so Cloud agreed. He'd spent a while – too long – feeling angry over Reno's words, but he knew that Reno was only trying to look out for him. The red-haired boy looked relieved when Cloud agreed to work with him.
"You learnt all the stuff in that pack yet?" Reno asked as he was stretching out of legs.
"Not yet," Cloud said. "I'm gonna spend tonight and tomorrow going over it. I'm not going to get caught out in this exam for not knowing my stuff."
"What are you going to do?" Reno asked, causing Cloud to look at him curiously. "You know, if you fail."
Cloud considered it. With his brain so full of what he had to do, and all of it coming after he didn't fail this exam, he'd not stopped to wonder about what he should do if he couldn't overcome this hurdle. He shrugged, shifting his weight a little uneasily. "I haven't thought about it," he said. "What about you? Why are you even taking this exam if the Turks want you?"
Reno shrugged. "I guess it's still a test to see if I'm good enough for them. If I pass, then I get a try-out period, and I have to prove myself there as well." His eyes dropped low, and so did his voice. "Cloud, don't tell anyone, but I think I have to kill someone."
"To impress Tseng?" Cloud gasped. Not that Reno wouldn't be doing that kind of thing anyway in the Turks, but it still bothered him. He supposed that meant he'd done the right thing in asking Tseng to leave him alone – he'd never been able to kill with the kind of callousness that the Turks had displayed. He liked to think that he'd never be able to.
"Don't tell anyone," Reno said quickly. "And I don't know for sure but…Tseng hinted at it."
There wasn't much Cloud could think of to say to that, but then someone suddenly bashed into his shoulder and knocked him off balance. He stumbled sideways a few steps into Reno with a surprised intake of breath. Ratchett was sneering at him, as if Cloud had been the one to walk into him, as he continued walking by.
"Watch where you're going!" Reno called after him angrily, and then, under his breath, "Asshole."
"Sorry," Cloud said, pushing away from the other boy.
"'S not your fault," Reno said. "He's a dick. I'd be careful of him. He really doesn't like you."
"I know." It was hard not to notice. "I think Sephiroth was unhappy that he and I would have to be in joined groups for part of the exam."
"See, that's why he's like this," Reno said, waving after the blond boy's retreating figure. "He doesn't like you being so close to Sephiroth. Granted, he wouldn't like it if anyone but himself was close to Sephiroth, but…"
"He doesn't scare me," Cloud said, stretching his arms and arching his back a little into the pleasurable pull of muscle.
"Even after he tried to crack your skull open?" Reno asked dubiously, giving him an odd look, mouth down-turned in a frown. "He might not scare you, but you should watch your back when he's around. I'll tell you this now, if he thinks he can get away with sabotaging you in the mission, he'll do it."
"He wouldn't risk it," Cloud argued back. "Sephiroth and another examiner will be there. Other people will be there. He'll be seen, and he'll get thrown out. Why would be risk a position in SOLDIER over me?"
"Why would he attack you in front of instructors?" Reno asked with a shrug. "There's something not right with him. I think you should be careful, is all."
"Alright," Cloud conceded, if only to stop Reno from continuing in the same vein. But the other boy's words worried him – was he really underestimating Ratchett that much?
I'm stronger than him. He got lucky before, when I wasn't expecting an attack. Now I know what he can do, he won't catch me with my guard down again.
He supposed that people worried because they weren't sure he could take care of himself. To be fair, Cloud had been holding back in his spars, so they wouldn't know just how capable he was. He couldn't blame them. The only person he'd gone all-out at was Sephiroth, but he was still way out of Cloud's league.
Reno picked up his blade and levelled it at Cloud, then, drawing his attention. He watched the redhead's mouth pull into a sly grin. "Pretend we're on opposite sides in this exam, and we've come across each other," he suggested, eyes mischievous. "We'll pretend there is actually some small chance of me being able to kick your ass."
"Reno, you've been headhunted for the Turks," Cloud pointed out, picking up his own sword, testing its weight in his hand. "There's always a chance."
Reno smirked, looking pleased, and launched himself across the mats.
It was a good match, leaving Cloud exhilarated and pleasantly breathless. He chose not to press the openings that Reno left, many of which could have ended the spar, but to let them go so that he and Reno could just carry on. Reno laughed when he realised what Cloud was doing, and when it eventually came to an end he was smiling.
"This mission's going to be a breeze for you," Reno said. "But you cut me some slack. Tell me what I can improve."
"You didn't leave that many openings," Cloud said. "You were fine. There's a reason the Turks want you."
"Yeah, but they want you, too," Reno retorted. "And you're better than me at this."
Cloud shook his head, smiling. "They don't want me anymore."
Reno blinked, looking a little stunned. "Huh?"
"I told Tseng I wasn't interested, and he's agreed to leave me alone."
Reno continued to stare at him with wide eyes, and his mouth opened once but nothing came out. He closed it, and then tried again. "Wow – er – I mean –"
Cloud smirked, amused.
"I mean…I know you didn't do it for me, but…" Reno continued to look flustered. "Thanks, you know. This position…I know I'll have to do some nasty stuff but it…it means a lot to me."
"I know." He smiled, pleased because Reno was.
They continued sparring until Reno was exhausted, and Cloud had to admit that he needed a break. He felt a brief twinge of guilt for not taking it easy, because he knew it would upset Zack, but he did feel fine. All through the sparring he'd felt totally normal. Zack would probably still be worrying about him taking it easy on the morning of his exam.
"We got the rest of the day off, though, don't we?" Reno asked him as they were packing their swords away. "We got the rest of the time off until the exams."
"Mm-hmm." Cloud was looking forward to it. It hadn't bothered him so much before, but the thought of not being forced into Ratchett's presence again until the exam cheered him up a lot. "I think some of the guys I'm roomed with are going to spend it out partying."
"Sounds fun," Reno said, smirking. "I, however, shall be studying, as I suspect you will be."
"Mm-hmm." Out of the corner of his eye, Cloud saw Ratchett come in with his weapon. He considered hurrying away but, again, that seemed childish. Act like an adult. Just ignore him.
Reno seemed to spot him as well and sneered at the other boy as they walked past on their way out. Ratchett just gave Reno a disdainful look.
"He's such a dick," the redhead said again once they were out of earshot. "God, I hope he fails the practical."
Cloud considered reminding Reno that it was unlikely, because Ratchett was talented despite whatever personality defects he might have, but then thought better. The look on Reno's face clearly said he was imagining and relishing such a scenario, and Cloud wasn't going to ruin that for him.
They said goodbye to each other and Cloud started off back to the dorms. He was pleased with how the day had gone so far – Reno not being awkward was a larger weight off his mind than he'd expected. It was a shame that Reno had been placed in group C, he thought as he wandered down the quiet corridors, because it would have been fun to have the other boy with him.
Then he remembered that Sephiroth would be there and Reno would probably spend the entire time being grumpy. Maybe not, then.
"Oi, Strife!"
Cloud immediately stiffened, coming to a stop. So much for not being forced…
"Yeah, you heard me," came the snarling, angry voice, ripping through the kind of quiet that meant they were alone.
Cloud turned around, and wasn't surprised to find the voice matched by the angry, dark look that twisted Ratchett's normally-handsome face. A quick glance over the other boy's shoulder confirmed his fears – no-one else was coming down the corridor. "Did you follow me?" he asked incredulously.
Ratchett ignored that, though his eyes flashed with something, too quick for Cloud to interpret. Angry aura rolling off of him, suddenly he seemed huge and towering, though Cloud knew that the other boy wasn't that much taller than he was. But looking at the cadet's eyes, so fierce with a fury that Cloud couldn't understand, he suddenly began to understand what Reno had said when he'd expressed his view that something about Ratchett was "not right."
"You can't honestly think that I – that we can't see what's going on?" Ratchett demanded, mouth pulled into an ugly sneer.
"This is about the General again, isn't it," Cloud said. "I told you before, you've got it wrong."
"Have I?" Ratchett sneered. "I saw how you were yesterday. I saw how he was. You think he acts like that with anyone else?"
"You've got it wrong," Cloud repeated, praying that he didn't start blushing in embarrassment. He was a man, for Shiva's sake. If only he wasn't so damn pale. "It doesn't…doesn't mean anything."
"I saw him smile when you came in," Ratchett hissed. "I'm not stupid."
Cloud wasn't sure that he'd had called it a smile, but the thought that others might have seen it and thought of it as such… That in their eyes, Sephiroth had smiled at him, made his chest and belly fill with warmth, even as he worried at that fact that people obviously had seen. Even if it had only been Ratchett.
"It's up to him what he does," he said cautiously, because he was never going to get Ratchett to believe it hadn't meant anything. And Cloud liked to think that it had, anyway. "I can't…stop him from smiling at me."
"Maybe you're too stupid to see it," Ratchett said, with a kind of thoughtfulness in his voice and face, even as it was needlessly cruel. "But then again, you're quite pretty for a boy, aren't you? No brains, maybe. Maybe you think it's cute, being coy like that. Maybe you're not stupid at all. You're right, you can't stop him." He smiled, thinly, with more than a bit of malice behind it. "No-one could, or would. And they won't reprimand him for it, will they?"
"I don't understand…" Cloud looked at Ratchett inquisitively, watching the rapid play of emotions across the surprisingly open face. The other boy was jumping from one thing to another so rapidly…
"No, you don't." Ratchett laughed coldly. "He won't get in trouble for it, will he? He's the General. He's their prize possession, their poster boy. But you're not."
Cloud stared at him.
The older boy grinned slowly. "They can do what they like to you."
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It was difficult to concentrate. Cloud stared at the papers he'd spread out in front of him where he sat cross-legged on his bed. He was supposed to be learning these, and though he'd been sitting there for some indeterminate amount of time, he wasn't even sure that he'd managed to look through a whole page.
He rubbed his hand over his face as he pursed his lips. He was tired, and his belly was so tight with anxiousness that he felt sick.
The door opened, and Cloud let his hand drop back to his lap to see who was coming in. Zack's familiar form backed in through the doorway, but even before he saw the spill of dark, unruly hair down Zack's back he heard the other man's infectious laugh. "I'll see you later!" he called to someone Cloud presumed was standing outside, and then shut the door.
With that he turned around, still smiling, and raised a hand in greeting. "Good afternoon, O Studious One."
Cloud smiled, and Zack went into the bathroom to shower. As Cloud heard the water come on behind the door, he sighed and looked over the pages in front of him again. There were diagrams, maps, and all of them looked unfamiliar even though he'd not looked away from them for half an hour.
He wasn't going to be able to do this, not when the thought that none of it mattered was hanging over his head. If what Ratchett said was true, he'd get kicked out sooner or later anyway. Not so long before he'd been thinking how well he was doing, and he should have known that something would happen to show him otherwise. It seemed he couldn't win – either he left Sephiroth alone and Nibelheim happened all over again, or he tried to get close to Sephiroth and got kicked out of ShinRa, after which Nibelheim was still very likely to happen anyway.
It made him angry, and the feeling of being cheated spread through him with it. Not necessarily all for himself (though he wasn't perfect and of course some of it was); the thought came to him that Sephiroth had never done anything to deserve becoming what he had. His entire life had been beyond his own control, in the hands of people not fit for such responsibility. Even when madness freed him of ShinRa, it was only at the behest of his 'mother'. And even then, it had occurred to Cloud more than once that Nibelheim might have been planned by Hojo, to some extent.
After all, even if Hojo couldn't predict madness, surely he couldn't have thought that sending Sephiroth specifically to the reactor where Jenova was housed would end well.
After a while the bathroom door opened and Zack reappeared, damp hair plastered down flat over of skull. Cloud tried to look like he'd actually been doing something, but Zack said, "Weren't you looking at those maps before?"
"…Maybe," Cloud said.
Zack came over and cocked his head at the diagrams. His gaze flickered to Cloud for a moment, thoughtful. Then he sat himself on the edge of Cloud's mattress, hunkered over a little to avoid hitting his head on the bunk above. "You stressed about the exam?"
"A little," Cloud replied truthfully. It was hard not to be – he'd failed it once. And now it might not be worth it anyway.
"Did it just hit you today?" Zack looked a little confused. "I mean, before you didn't seem this worried."
"No, it's just…" Cloud scrubbed at his face with one hand, rubbing the heel of his palm against tired eyes. He didn't want to tell Zack that he was letting someone get to him so much – it wasn't in his nature to talk so openly to others, not really. He'd talked a little before, back when Zack had been alive, but then after Nibelheim, and after losing the one person he'd ever truly thought of as a friend, there didn't seem to be any point.
But Zack was alive now, wasn't he? If he had really been pre-Nibelheim Cloud, then his reluctance would have faded long before this. Even if he and Zack hadn't been friends, then Zack's position as the SOLDIER responsible for him would have meant he could talk to Zack about anything.
He'd gotten used to keeping things to himself, and it wasn't a habit that was easy to break. His secrecy had already caused problems between himself and Zack, and he'd hated that.
"It's just…" he continued, trying to think of what exactly to say. Zack watched him intently. Eventually he let out a long breath and said, "Zack, will I get in trouble because of Sephiroth?"
The black-haired SOLDIER blinked at him. "What do you mean?"
Cloud shrugged awkwardly. "If people think he's playing favourites, will I be punished? Because I don't think they'd punish Sephiroth."
Zack started with a slight look of disbelief, but then it faded, and Cloud was left looking at the tired and unhappy expression left behind. "If this was anything but ShinRa, I would say you were being absurd," the older man said, shaking his head. "But, you know, this company is rotten and I could never say with certainty that you're safe. I will say that giving extra training to certain, talented cadets is not uncommon and therefore not an issue. I suppose you might call that favouritism and, strictly, that's not allowed but, you know, extra training is something that happens all the time. We've never been called to account for it." The confidence in Zack's tone, at least, comforted Cloud a little. "I don't know if you're aware but you're not the only one getting training – there are others being schooled by other SOLDIERs. You're just the only one who's sparred Sephiroth properly. The only time you'd have to worry is if, a) you started getting advantages for no apparent reason at all, in which case it would be favouritism he would be accountable for, or b) other people got jealous and tried to construe it as something less wholesome than it is."
Which was what Ratchett was trying to do, after all. Cloud sighed. "What if there's a danger of b?"
Zack cocked his head again, trying to work it out. "Ratchett?" he asked after a moment. "Is that what started this off?"
"He told me ShinRa would take it out on me rather than on Sephiroth." Cloud couldn't meet Zack's eyes. He stared at his own knees instead. "I just wondered whether it was likely or not."
"He's a dick," Zack said unceremoniously, his voice harsh. "But, in the end, he can't do anything unless there's something inappropriate to be found, which there isn't, really."
Ratchett had been convinced there was, though. "You think he acts like that with anyone else?" Keeping his eyes down, because he didn't think he could bear to see Zack's face, he decided to dare, "What if, in the future, there might be?"
Zack didn't laugh, or snort disbelievingly, and instead went quiet. Cloud felt all the muscles across his shoulders draw tight. Eventually, Zack said, "Do you think there will be?"
"I saw him smile when you came in. I'm not stupid."
"Do you?" Cloud asked. He looked up then, but Zack just seemed curious and interested rather than dismissive. "Ratchett is…he's convinced that something's going on. I know it doesn't sound much and I know…I know…" He looked around the room helplessly, hating how stupid he sounded. "I know I'm probably interpreting things that way because I…well, I'd like it to mean something if Sephiroth looks at me."
"Far be it from me to agree with something an idiot like Ratchett says," Zack began, "and I'm not gonna go speaking for Sephiroth either, but I don't think Ratchett's…entirely barking up the wrong tree."
Cloud felt his heart thump. "Entirely?" he asked.
Zack sighed, and briefly rubbed at his eyes. "You have to understand, Cloud, that this is…hard. Sephiroth has been acting differently towards you, but I couldn't say for sure what that means. He's not the type of person to share that kind of thing with people. And even though I want to see him find someone, I don't…" Zack seemed to be struggling to think of how to word his thoughts. Cloud watched frustration play across the other man's face. Eventually, the older man said, "I don't want to see anyone get hurt by being with him."
That surprised Cloud. In his sanity, Sephiroth had never come across as a cruel person. "Is he the kind of person who would do that?"
Zack shook his head vehemently. "Oh, no, no, not deliberately. But he doesn't understand people a lot of the time. He'd do it without realising he'd done anything wrong. I just…Would that make me a bad friend if I knew that, and encouraged you anyway?"
"No," Cloud said. "Because you've warned me. And you're not encouraging me, anyway." He smiled. "If you are, you've got a funny idea of it."
However, Zack did not seem to be appeased by Cloud words. He was frowning worriedly. "And does it make me a bad friend if I stopped Sephiroth from ever getting the chance to try, just because there's a possibility he might accidentally hurt someone?" Zack looked tired – as if this was an argument he'd had with himself many times.
"People get hurt all the time in relationships, though." Cloud shrugged. "It's not something you can just single Sephiroth out for. He's not the only one out there who doesn't understand other people."
Zack nodded. "I know. I just don't want to see you get hurt. You're nine years younger than he is, and he's…I mean, I'm pretty sure you'll get into SOLDIER so eventually it won't matter so much, but right now he's so much stronger than you. All SOLDIERs have to be careful if they're in a relationship with someone who's not, and Sephiroth is just so far above the average SOLDIER, he could really hurt you – physically really damage you – if he wasn't mindful." He frowned for a moment, and then said, "I know it's because I'm a SOLDIER too and I can take it, but, you know, he can be a bit…rough. Even by SOLDIER standards."
Cloud thought he should probably refrain from telling Zack that, excessive physical damage put aside, he probably wouldn't be opposed to something 'rough'. He nodded instead, wondering briefly if that was something Zack enjoyed or not.
"If you're serious about this," Zack went on, "then you really need to talk to Sephiroth. He's the only one who knows for sure if he's interested. If he is, then I really think you should…talk things out first. Don't rush into things. It sounds girly, I know, but I'm guessing you don't do casual, and he's never had anything but, through no fault of his own. You should make sure you both know where you stand before you try anything."
It didn't sound like something Zack would normally say – Zack, whose ideology when it came to relationships was hardly anything to write home about – so Cloud nodded and said, "Okay. Thanks, Zack."
He'd never expected any relationship with someone like Sephiroth to be easy, really.
----------------------
A hand slapped across his face. He wasn't prepared for it, and even though Hojo had never been particularly strong, he was angry and the force of it caused Sephiroth's head to snap to one side.
"Worthless, good-for-nothing little brat," Hojo hissed. "How many times do I have to tell you? How many times must we go through this?" He shook the hand he'd hit Sephiroth with, like it was hurting. "And even then, you turn your face away like a woman! What kind of General are you going to be if you can't even take a slap like that?"
Hojo had never actually hit him before. Sephiroth realised he'd gotten too complacent – after 17 years with no physical violence he'd just assumed it wasn't in Hojo's nature, especially when Sephiroth was already taller and stronger than him.
At Sephiroth's silence, Hojo threw up his hands and began to pace, agitated. "What do I have to do to get through to you, idiot boy? ShinRa does not tolerate mistakes! And you, my boy, are pushing your luck! What did you think you were up to?!"
Sephiroth stared straight ahead, standing tall and straight as if Hojo was one of the instructors. "I was in a fight, Professor."
"I know that!" Hojo wailed. His whiny, nasal voice always became pitched even higher when he got angry or excited. "We've had this conversation before, haven't we? I'm sick and tired of hearing of you fighting! There is only so much ShinRa is allowed to overlook before they are forced to discharge you and that is not allowed!"
He knew this. He'd been told many times that if he failed then Hojo would kill him. He'd always ignored that before but the more time passed, the more maniacal Hojo began to look and now Sephiroth was beginning to believe that Hojo would do his damnedest to do the job if it came down to it.
"You are going to be General. It is what we've worked for all these years and I won't let you destroy that so selfishly! Do you have any idea how many people are behind this? Do you have any idea how much money?"
Sephiroth didn't, as it happened. Hojo sometimes spoke like this, especially recently, as if Sephiroth was some kind of project rather than a human being – well, if he was honest, there had always been an element of that in how Hojo dealt with him – but he never actually went into details about these mysterious 'people' and all this 'money'. Sephiroth assumed 'lots' but he wasn't sure why there would be.
"Just because you don't understand the significance of all this doesn't mean you can go off gallivanting around like some kind of hooligan! You are not your own person, boy! Too many people have too much invested in you!"
Sephiroth had heard all of this far too often recently and he'd begun to switch off by then. It unnerved him, being talked about like some kind of business proposition, like he was the manifestation of people's shares in ShinRa or something equally ridiculous. He had the sudden image of running away from ShinRa and having various balding, middle-aged business men, President ShinRa included, huffing and puffing their way after him like he was escaping with their money.
"Sephiroth!" Hojo shrieked. "Listen to me when I am talking to you, you stupid, insufferable little-" He was rocked by another slap, Hojo's full palm slamming across his cheek, and then –
He blinked, and found himself standing in a corridor. Not Hojo's lab. Not with Hojo screaming at him. Not 17 years old.
A dream. No, a memory. Just a memory.
Sephiroth let out a long breath through his nose that sounded loud in the sudden quiet left behind where Hojo's voice had been. Even if it had only been in his own mind, it was one of those memories that stayed clear forever – Hojo's words rang in his ears as if the man had only just screamed them at him.
Sephiroth shook his head and looked around. It took him a moment to work out where he was – somewhere down by the cadets' dorms. He couldn't remember why he would be there, though. He tried to think and couldn't really remember walking here. He'd been preoccupied, he knew, but surely not enough to have just wandered this far away from his own office and quarters for no reason.
Cloud.
He was close to the dorm Cloud and Zack both used. The thought of Cloud sent an odd feeling through him – half a sharp rush of anticipation, and half the dull drag of unease and dread. And then he realised what had brought him here – some half-formed notion of seeing Cloud that had dogged him throughout the day.
Not that he had any idea how to explain such an impromptu visit. He could barely explain it to himself. He knew there was something he wanted to see, but what it was he couldn't quite name. It was getting late, the light failing – Cloud would probably be busy anyway, what with the exam preparations – and there'd probably be others there as well –
Not that any of that stopped him. He was walking again, driven by the determination not to back down when he'd come this far. There was a voice in the back of his head saying Stop this, this goes against all army regulations – as if the way you and he speak to each other hasn't already – and eventually someone is going to pull you in for it. You or him.
He rounded a corner and the entrance to the dorm came into view. He stopped again, steps faltering as his doubts began to clamour once more – What do you think you're doing here? Do you have any idea how unprofessional this is? Just how unthinkable this should be to you – to even contemplate carrying on an affair with a subordinate?
But it wasn't like it didn't happen with other people anyway. He'd turned a blind eye to affairs other SOLDIERs had carried on when they'd posed no threat to their professional relationships. And when had he ever had anything for himself, anyway?
But as it was, his thoughts were interrupted when the door to the dorm opened. Zack came through the doorway, and his face brightened when he spotted Sephiroth. He smiled, closed the door, and then said, "Hello you. What're you doing down here?"
Sephiroth didn't know what to say to that, since he wasn't sure himself. But Zack's smile quickly turned knowing and he jerked his head back, indicating the dorm. "He's in there, by the way. The others have gone out – they're the kind who aren't really gonna make it past the exams, you know – so he's in by himself."
"Why, where are you going?" Sephiroth asked, ignoring the mention of Cloud.
"I'm gonna go see Aeris," Zack explained, eyes brightening further and his smile widening. "And I won't be back for a while. I doubt the other boys will either, so Cloud'll be alone for a while. He might be glad of some company."
Did Cloud not have people to spend time with? The thought irked him. Was Cloud unpopular? He'd never really noticed the blond as such, since he'd attracted Zack's attention, and Zack had mentioned Reno before, who certainly was popular.
"Sephiroth," Zack said, catching his attention again. "What are you here for?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "There's no answer I could give that would satisfy either of us," he admitted. "It was just a thought that crossed my mind…"
"…To see him?" Zack finished.
Sephiroth shrugged.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm not interrogating you," Zack said softly. Sephiroth did not meet his eyes. "And now's as good a chance as any to go visiting. You came at the right time." He started forward to pass Sephiroth, and lay a hand on the older man's arm as he went. "You'll be fine," he said with a warm smile. "Just talk to him."
Easy enough for you to say, Sephiroth thought, but nodded. Zack squeezed his arm before letting go, and then carried on walking and left him to it.
He waited until Zack's footsteps faded out of earshot, collecting himself. Zack's words made him feel like he was on the edge of a cliff, and any moment he'd tip over the edge – but into what he didn't know, and a large part of him was – afraid? – to find out.
But he was never afraid, and he crossed the last short distance of corridor. A short knock, and a voice came back from the other side, "Did you forget the code again, Zack? What did you leave behind this time?"
Sephiroth smiled a little, amused. "If Zack has forgotten something, he hasn't realised it yet."
A moment of quiet, and then he heard the sounds of movement on the other side. The door opened, and Cloud stared out at him, blue eyes wide. "General, sir? Is there something I can do for you?"
"You could let me in, if it doesn't inconvenience you," Sephiroth said, and Cloud scrambled back out of the way to let him in.
The room was empty except for Cloud, just as Zack had said. There were papers spread over one of the bunks – Cloud's, he assumed. The blond was standing near the door, watching him curiously, eyes still wide and cheeks flushed just enough to be noticeable. "Sir?"
"Sit," Sephiroth said, motioning to the bunk. "I'm not here in an official capacity." Think, Sephiroth, think! "I came to…check up on you from the other day."
The flush became more noticeable then, but it was more out of embarrassment than anything else. Cloud visibly deflated at the mention of his collapse. "Oh," he said. "I'm fine, really, sir." He motioned to the paper-strewn bunk. "I was just going over the papers you gave us for the exam."
Sephiroth made another motion with his hand towards the bunk, and Cloud wandered over to it as he spoke. Sephiroth followed him, watching the younger man move. He was wearing casual clothes – sweatpants and an old t-shirt that looked a little too small for him now; socks but no shoes. It was…appealing to look at him like that, to see him in a more relaxed environment even though they were still on ShinRa property. It didn't remind him so readily that Cloud was a cadet and technically off-limits.
He found himself – stupidly – watching Cloud's hips. The thought came unbidden to him of standing at Cloud's back with his hands either side, easing the loose sweatpants down and watching them fall –
But then Cloud turned and sank down onto the bunk, and Sephiroth thought that if there was one time his pale skin would fail him it would be now, heating with embarrassment. But luckily he didn't feel his face grow warm, and nothing showed in Cloud's expression that said he might have gone red. He needed to keep himself in check – no matter what Zack said, he couldn't let those thoughts rule him.
He watched Cloud cast his gaze around the room from where he sat, and Sephiroth knew he must have looked questioning because the blond suddenly said, "I should get you a chair but you told me to sit and I –"
Sephiroth couldn't help but smile, which cut Cloud off. The blond stared back at him. Sephiroth waved a hand and said, "I'm perfectly capable of finding my own chair, and it's not an offence considering I am, as I said, not here as General…" Cloud smiled at that, relieved, but there was more there, a tentative warmth that Sephiroth had seen before in Cloud, but not quite recognised. It was like when Zack looked at him, but softer.
He turned away to find a chair, cursing himself again. He wasn't there to fall over himself staring at the boy – it would only lead to Cloud becoming uncomfortable, and that wasn't what he wanted. Quite the opposite. That was what he was here to do, he realised as he spotted a chair against the far wall. There was something standing between them and he wanted to see – what did he want to see?
I want to see…what it might be like if we were comfortable with each other. To see what it would be like to be friends, the way Zack is my friend but…more. To see if we could be friends at all…
He wanted more. More than what Zack could give him, more than what he had gained from his brief dalliances with other men – if he had gained anything at all except the knowledge that he wasn't happy with what that offered him.
His hand closed over the back of the chair and he stood there for a moment, letting the thought settle. And what right had he to think that Cloud might offer him more? He'd seen Cloud look at him like he understood him, look right through him and Cloud had not flinched away from what he'd seen. It was more than anyone else had done. Zack, despite everything he had done for Sephiroth, still judged at times. It was human nature. He couldn't blame Zack.
But that could easily be his own desperation leading him to see things where there were none. But he couldn't know for sure. Not unless he tried for more.
"Sir…Sephiroth?" Cloud's voice washed over him, his tone uncertain. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Sephiroth said, keeping his back turned. "I just thought of something. But it's not important." He picked up the chair and turned back. Cloud looked like he had paused halfway through getting up off the bed, but as Sephiroth returned, he folded back. Sephiroth watched him pull his legs up onto the bed and arrange himself cross-legged.
"I saw Zack on his way out," Sephiroth found himself saying as he sat down. "He said you were studying for the exam."
Cloud looked over at the papers beside him. "I wanted to be sure that I passed this time." Even as Sephiroth picked up on the words, he saw a brief look of consternation flit across the blond's face, as if he hadn't meant to say that either. But Sephiroth chose not to comment – filing it away along with the still unexplained incident of him 'remembering' running Cloud through with the Masamune – and Cloud went straight on hurriedly, "But Zack'll be gone all night so that'll help – I'll be able to get some work done without him hovering." He looked briefly stricken, raising worried eyes to meet Sephiroth's amused gaze. "Not that you're unwelcome, sir, not at all –"
"No offence taken," Sephiroth cut him off, fighting to keep himself from smiling again. But the thought struck him, why wasn't he allowed to smile here? "He said he was going to see his girlfriend."
"Aeris, yes." Cloud's voice was warm as he spoke the name. Another oddity – Sephiroth remembered coming across both Cloud and Zack in Sector Six and Cloud's very marked reluctance to go anywhere near the Gainsborough residence.
"Have you met her?" he asked.
"Aeris?" Cloud looked at him silently for a moment. "I've seen her briefly. She seems like a lovely person."
"A saint, I imagine, to voluntarily attach herself to Zack," Sephiroth said, and it startled a wide, surprised smile out of Cloud that made his breath catch for a second.
"You're being a little unfair," Cloud said, the smile a little teasing. "He's not quite that bad. After all, you –" The smile dropped as quickly as Cloud's eyes did. "Sorry, sir," he whispered, hands clasped tightly in his lap. "It's not my place to-"
"Cloud," Sephiroth said softly. He hated to see Cloud cower from him. "Please," he continued, "it's alright." The blond looked up, and Sephiroth was startled to see pain in the teenager's face. "I'm not acting as the General right now, I've told you. And I know that my…past relations with Zack are hardly a secret."
"Still, it's private," Cloud said quietly. "It's nothing to do with me, I don't know why I said it."
"You meant no harm." The opposite – it was as if Cloud had wanted to tease him, to share in a joke with him. That warmed him more than the mention of Zack had unsettled him. "I know you didn't. Just forget about it." Cloud nodded. "And we both know he's just as bad as we make him out to be. Let's just say I got out before he could inflict any lasting damage."
Cloud couldn't help the sharp burst of laughter, even though he briefly looked confused as to whether Sephiroth had meant him to laugh or not. Sephiroth let his lips curve upwards and the tension bled out of Cloud's face.
"That's one way of looking at it, I suppose," the blond replied. "But Aeris seems to be coping pretty well so I think you're safe for the moment."
Sephiroth snorted. "I'm glad."
Cloud smiled again. "You sound it."
Sephiroth wanted to keep him smiling. He wasn't expecting another laugh – he didn't think he'd ever heard Cloud laugh before. Cloud's smiles weren't as easily given as Zack's, his laughter even less so. Another pang of recognition hit him – he could easily be talking about himself.
But what had happened to him to cause that reluctance? It was more than just a quiet personality. Cloud's smiles were more often than not a little uncertain, as if he wasn't sure it was a welcome expression. Sephiroth knew, objectively, that his own problems probably stemmed from being raised here in the labs, but Cloud should have had a normal upbringing, shouldn't he?
"It feels odd to be sitting here like this and to know so little about you," Sephiroth said. "We've had a few…false starts, I think."
The smile again, tinged with a sudden understanding that Sephiroth couldn't quite puzzle out. "Where are you from?" he asked. He knew the name from the files but it meant little to him.
"A little town called Nibelheim, on the West Continent," Cloud told him.
"What's it like?"
"Oh, you know…a really tiny place, nothing like here." Cloud shrugged. "Not many people. Quite a…closed community."
The words of an outsider. "You came here to get away from that?" Sephiroth ventured.
"It was one of the reasons." Another uncomfortable shrug. "I wouldn't want to…I mean, I don't ever intend on going back there."
That surprised Sephiroth. "No family you're leaving behind?" he asked before he could stop himself.
Cloud cocked his head and said, "My mother is still there. I probably should go back for her but we were never really close." A dull red crept up Cloud's cheeks and he dipped his head apologetically. "I'm sorry, sir, it's not anything you'd want to hear about…"
"On the contrary. I never really had a family so I…I like to hear about other people's."
Cloud looked back at him, so full of pained understanding that Sephiroth felt embarrassed to have said anything at all.
"You and Zack are close, though, aren't you?" Cloud asked softly.
Sephiroth knew that there was no-one in his life who he was close to the way that some people defined 'close'. There was no-one he could confide in about everything. "Zack is the closest friend I have," he admitted instead.
Cloud's expression eased a little into that tentative smile. "Knowing the kind of liberties that Zack takes, he probably considers himself to be the closest you've got to family."
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and snorted, amused. "You think so?"
"You know what he's like with adopting people," Cloud said fondly. "He can't help himself." His face clouded for a moment as his mind went elsewhere, and Sephiroth watched the different expressions flit across that mobile face with interest. He liked watching Cloud, trying to work out what was going on behind those expressive eyes. It was like a puzzle and he'd always liked puzzles.
"I'd think you're included in Zack's little 'family', then," Sephiroth said. "And it can't be so bad, to have a SOLDIER 1st looking out for you."
Cloud smiled, drawing one leg up onto the bed and wrapping his arms around his shin. "I guess not. For someone trying to get into the SOLDIER program, I guess that's a pretty good thing to have."
"I would say so."
He watched Cloud begin to pick at the hem of his sweatpants. "Sephiroth, sir…" the blond began, uncertainly. "About that…"
Sephiroth's eyebrows rose. "You're still worried about punishment for favouritism?"
Cloud nodded unhappily. Sephiroth wanted the smile back and he wasn't sure how to go about getting it. He wondered what Zack would do if Aeris looked like that. Probably kiss her, knowing Zack. When he and Zack had been closer, the younger man had done it to him when he had been frowning.
Not that kissing Cloud would do any good. It would probably make things worse. He doubted it would get the blond smiling again. He had a brief flash of it turning out somehow better – leaning over Cloud, pressing him back into his bunk and swallowing with his own mouth the hitched gasp of surprise he just knew Cloud would make –
Cloud started talking again. For which Sephiroth was entirely too grateful. "It was mentioned to me that…I might get in trouble instead, if they can't touch you, sir."
That took his mind off other inappropriate thoughts. Even though Zack had told him it was okay to think like that, he still couldn't quite wrap his mind around it. Cloud was still so young, no matter what Zack said. No matter how much the non-logic-driven parts of him agreed with Zack.
"I can't see that going very far, even if someone in ShinRa did try to do such a thing," Sephiroth said after a moment. "ShinRa doesn't like upsetting me because it reflects badly on them – and I would certainly have something to say if they forced you out of the military." For something that wasn't even inappropriate. Yet.
The smile came back, which satisfied him. He'd managed to tease out quite a few in the short time they'd been speaking, which felt like a real accomplishment. He liked being able to do it. He'd work up to getting another laugh, he decided.
"Thank you, sir," Cloud said, and for the first time Sephiroth saw a hint of weariness in him. It was getting late, and he'd interrupted Cloud working.
"You seem tired," he said. "I should go."
Cloud looked startled and then disappointed by this statement, but didn't refute his observation. He began to get up off the bed. "I'll see you out, sir."
Sephiroth nodded and rose. He followed Cloud, resolutely keeping his eyes on the back of the blond's head this time. It was easier said than done, and he was quite appalled with himself before they even finished the short journey to the door. He couldn't quite decide if their talk had gone well, or been a complete disaster on his end.
Cloud pulled the door open for him. "Thank you for coming to see me, sir. I enjoyed it." There was a very slight flush along his cheekbones, but Sephiroth was beginning to realise he rather liked it being there.
"It was my pleasure," he said, voice low, and watched the colour flare a little more in Cloud's cheeks. He got a perverse sense of satisfaction from it. He turned away and moved past Cloud into the doorway, but stopped. He turned abruptly back, murmured, "Cloud –"
Cloud was still standing, closer behind him than he'd realised. He stared up at Sephiroth, eyes a little wide, mouth parted. "Yes?" he asked, and his voice was more than a little breathless.
Sephiroth couldn't say what he'd turned back for – whether he'd had a reason at all, or if it had just been lost as soon as he found Cloud's gaze again. He stared, taking in everything he could, and the sudden need to lean forward and take what was his burned through him, too much. And Cloud stood there, so close, so close, staring back and waiting, breath held –
He tore his gaze away. "Nothing," he muttered. "It was nothing, sorry." He dipped his head, but not before he caught the disappointment flash across Cloud's face. He ignored it, backing away. "Goodnight, Cloud."
"…Goodnight," Cloud whispered uncertainly, and Sephiroth left him there in the doorway.
------------------------
Author's Notes:
Thanks to Dina again, for beta-ing
I have absolutely no excuse for the delay with this. Oops? is all I think I can say.