Cruise Control

Rating: Teen
Pairing: Amuto

Warnings: DEATH. This is kind of dark.
Disclaimer: Still no owning of Shugo Chara. This is for Lyrika (Rika-san!!)

It was raining. And no, not one of those cute happy day showers with raindrops that have little cutesy smiley faces on them. This storm was ferocious, furious, unforgiving. The rain pounded against the earth's surface in a downpour so thick and heavy the sound of the drops slamming into the metal roofing was deafening. The aura was dark and menacing, the sky clouded in a mixture of navy blues and black with the only lighting stemming from the bright flashes of lightning that burst angrily from the sky like they had been pent up for centuries.

Needless to say, it was a pretty dreary day. Amu normally never skipped school, but upon awakening in the morning she couldn't bring herself to get up. The rain just told her to say in bed and pull the covers over her head and pretend to be sick. So Amu complied with their wishes.

Her parents probably would of let her stay at home if she had been there, kissing her and telling her to be safe and rest while they were at work. She stayed in bed for awhile, mindlessly playing with the edge of her comforter.

It had been a month. And still, every sign of rain just sent this utter feeling of dread and despair plummeting from her head to her toes, focused in her stomach. It was sickening, in a sense, because it had been a month. Everyone else moved on easily. She didn't, hadn't. It was just weird.

She curled up in a ball underneath her covers. It was harder than she thought. It was always easy to be on the other side, being the one to sympathize and speak those few words of comfort.

"Sorry for your loss."

The words echoed numbly through her brain. Over and over, again and again, until Amu had broken down into tears.

She had tried to be strong. He would want her to be strong. Amu reminded herself of it often. She noticed her life began to change, as she based her decisions on what he would think of them. And sometimes, in hindsight, she realized that he didn't really have good decision-making abilities. But this was in hindsight; it was far too late to actually do anything now.

She felt so small. Did it matter to the rest of the world? No. The world moved on easily while Amu could barely pull herself out of bed a month after it had happened.

She couldn't bring herself to say his name anymore. It hurt too much. She realized it a little too late and now, it was too late to tell him. But it still hurt. She loved him. And she had known that he had loved her. And the fact that they'd never be together again and they'd never see each other ever again absolutely destroyed her. The fact that she'd have to go on with her life without him ripped her heart straight out of her chest.

Did he know what he had done to her?! Leaving her here, on earth, alone? She saw him everywhere, in her dreams, in her mirror, out of the corner of her eye when she was trying to focus on a task. Why wouldn't his presence just leave? Without him... she needed him. It was as simple as that. His... going away was just too much. She just couldn't call it death. It was too permanent a word. It was too defined. She knew exactly what death meant, and she didn't want him to be dead.

She tried to get rid of his presence. But it was simply everywhere; pictures of him scattered across her room, his shirts and sweatshirts. It wasn't hard to go on without him. It was practically impossible. He was the wind beneath her wings. Without him she was unable to fly. And it hurt.

Those people that told her they were sorry didn't even understand the meaning of the word 'loss'. Amu understood far too well. It was completely, unbearably painful. It haunted her. She was in denial, but at the same time she understood perfectly. How could she be in denial without first understanding the fact which she was denying?

Unable to stand his lingering scent that was all over her sheets, she pulled herself from her bed. She stared through her window at the pounding rain. As thunder shook her house and the rain's intensity refused to fail, she decided it was a perfect day for a walk.

Silently, she dressed herself warmly. Then she slid on his large raincoat that covered her all the way down to her ankles. He was that much taller than her. She smiled dryly and plucked a hat and umbrella from the closet as well.

After his going away, Amu loved the rain. She hadn't before because he hadn't. But after his going away, she spent more and more time in rain. Maybe it just seemed to rain more because she was sad. Whatever the case, she found herself wandering through the downpour without her umbrella covering her head.

It was good to walk in the rain. Rain hid her tears. If felt to Amu as if the world was crying with her.

She didn't know when she had become so poetic. It didn't really suit her. She decided to quit thinking for awhile as she began the trek out to the place. That's all she called it. That's all she was able to call it.

As she walked, she had to pass the other place. This place... this one was where he'd actually gone away. He'd been driving. It had been raining, perhaps on a day exactly like this.

She had called him and told him to hurry up, that dinner was getting cold, that she needed him here and that he'd better hurry his ass up if he wanted sex. He had laughed, told her he'd be there in fifteen minutes, tops. She hadn't even told him she loved him when he whispered a quick 'I love you' before hanging up. And she had been angry when he didn't show up. She hadn't understood until the police showed up at her front door.

Hydroplaned, they said. He hit a huge puddle and couldn't control the car. He'd been going to fast. He spun out of the road and hit another car, killing himself and the driver of the other car in the process.

And even though everyone had assured her it wasn't her fault, hadn't she been the one who told him to hurry? As if his death wasn't painful enough.

She stared at the spot in the road sadly. She'd helped raise money for the road to be fixed so a puddle that big would never cause problems again. And it hadn't. But if only something had been done sooner.

She sighed, refusing to think on how it could have been prevented. The fact was that it had happened. As unfortunate and painful and depressing and heartbreaking as it was, her love was dead. She closed her eyes, feeling the rain and her tears fall down her face.

Amu arrived at the place shortly. She hadn't brought anything. Now, approaching his grave, she felt like she should have. But he hated flowers. He'd get them for her if she asked, but Amu never made him. They made his nose itch. She always giggled when he had been sick; his sniffles and voice were just too cute. Amu sighed, running her hand along the thick stone. She bent down and traced his name with her fingers. Somewhere in the back of her mind, her first name and his last had always been connected. But it was a little too late for marriage. They had only been dating, not engaged or anything of the sort. But that didn't mean she didn't love him as much as a married woman loved her husband.

She stood up, burrowing herself deeper into his warm coat. It smelled like him, too, just like her sheets had.

She sighed, staring up at the dark sky. Her eyes closed again and she just breathed, letting the water cleanse her scattered mind. After a few moments, she tilted her head down and opened her eyes.

Would Ikuto want her dwelling like this? If she was going to make decisions like him, even if they were bad decisions, she needed one now. Ikuto would want her to remember that he loved her always. And that it was going to be okay, that 'shit happens and you just gotta keep going.'

Taking his words to heart, she smiled at the grave. Even if he was a man, she'd have to give him credit. Maybe this decision wasn't a bad one at all. Ikuto was right. Amu grinned, recalling his words before one of his business trips.

"You have to keep moving on, Amu. No matter what happens. Okay? Even if I'm not here, even if you're not there, we'll always be there for each other."

"We will?"

"Yes. We'll always be together in our hearts."