Make a Wish Chapter 16: Two Halves Torn in One: KukaixNagihiko, a shugo chara! fanfic

T W O H A L V E S T O R N I N O N E
R a t i n g: T
W a r n i n g s: Schizophrenia
D i s c l a i m e r: I don't own shugo chara. And a big thanks goes to both blue and William Faulkner for inspiration.

And yes, this is romance, but I feel telling the pairing takes something away from it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE! READ IT!

Okay. For better "viewing quality" of this story, you might want to go to the top right corner of page and click on the "two thirds" or "one half" link. Oh, and center it!

And I did move this story. It used to be on its own, but I am consolidating!

N A G I H I K O

We fight all the time. It's normal for family members to fight. Therefore we are family. Yet no, that's not it. That can't be it. No. Again.

We fight all the time, as if we're squabbling siblings. Normally siblings fight. Therefore we must be normal. No. That's false wrong not. Again.

We fight all the time but we are not normal. But what else can we be? We must be something. We MUST be normal. I want to be normal. Therefore the evidence must say we are normal or else we are not and if we are not what else can we be? Maybe we were family and now are not. But family is forever and we are too no matter what no matter how I fight. So if we are family we are together always but not always happy together. I am not happy but she is. Therefore we are family. Therefore we must be normal.

We fight all the time because we are normal.

N A D E S H I K O

I told him no.

He didn't listen, the foolish boy bad boy I am the smart one I say I am the brain listen. He doesn't. He never does. So why do I try? The bad boy is hopeless I must take the reins I am the one who interacts. He created me to interact to be to help he needed me. And now I need him but only part of him and he should return the favor little brother should because he owes me.

yes

He resists but I am stronger he let me become stronger why? He had no choice survival. Without me I told you he needed me he still does he would have failed. So he made me and now he wishes me away? No. I am here always no he knows now I have made it so clear oh so clear to him that he is mine but no he fights.

I told him no

, no. He no longer is but he is not was either. He is caught in between is and was in a state where he is neither but wants to be one or the other.

He begs sometimes. Very polite, that he is I am proud but then no so nicely he demands.

I told him no.

He tries to shuffle through and make sense of things I can feel him sometimes trying to break free but he can never do it.

I told him no.

He tried to pinpoint my creation once but he couldn't find it and he said Why?! Why won't you go!?

I told him no.

I am here forever, little brother. He knows that now. I have total control why bother resisting? Yet he fights I suppose it's admirable but I don't admire it and no one else can either because simple, simple answer always keeps him quiet.

I told him no.

N A G I H I K O

I love pastries. I also love to cook. It's one of the few things I really like to do. It's one of the few things I so strongly remember. But she only lets me when I am a good boy, the Bitch. "Good Boy" means that I do what she wants and that's keep quiet and no- no longer will I sit back and watch this happen. This is me. I just need strength.

She lets me taste sometimes to bribe me. Always using temptation, she is far too clever. Why is she so clever? It is crazy I don't get it at all. I should be just as clever.

After all, we're family.

I am normal.

It is she who is not. She is not normal. I told her and she laughs. Why words you say matter you have say no longer foolish boy. That's what she said.

I must keep going. I can't let her win. But why she doesn't let me remember anything anymore I don't know. I don't remember my past present it's all just her and she's all that is there she wants to be all that is there so she can win. I want to remember but she's locked everything away and I can't find the key. I will. I have too.

She can't control me forever.

N A D E S H I K O

One day he got control and yanked down his pants screaming MALE loud loud so loud but we were alone in our room no one heard but me and I laughed and laughed who cares if the body is male? I say he says You're a girl you need a girl body!

I told him no.

He doesn't like the word no so I use it as often as possible. He is tough but I will crack him and once I do I win control forever now once in awhile he takes over NO no more I hate that I will CRUSH little brother if I must I don't want too but my desire is overpowering I want it so bad I want to be in control so bad and if he must be out of the way I will push him out of the way but shhh shhhhhh don't tell him that

every night before we sleep he cries. I can hear it and I say Shh baby brother Shh we are together shhh. There is nothing to cry about I am here with you always always always I will never leave you I love you baby brother

He cries harder.

N A G I H I K O

She lets me watch. Sometimes I wish she didn't but for some reason I always get to watch. Maybe it's that she can't stop me from watching. So maybe I do have some power still. But watching makes it hard because I can see everything outside. Do you hear me? I can SEE everything! The green things, the people that move, I can see all this stuff and I want to know and know and know but watching is so hard because all I can do is sit sit sit and wait.

I no longer know what I am waiting for. Perhaps strength with which to fight? With which to win? I know not anymore. Maybe I used to, but now it seems as if everything I thought I knew no longer is useful because she knows everything I know and then some. How? I'm not really sure. But she really does know so much, too much. It's frightening. If I created her like she says then shouldn't I be the master? I get more and more confused all the time. It's hard because all I can do is sit wait watch and I can't hear anything I can only see I can only hear her and I'm so sick of hearing her so I no longer listen. Bad boy she calls me. Who does she think she is?

My mother!?

N A D E S H I K O

I am here for him always loving always caring always I love little brother I do I do I do I do why then is he such a bad boy such a bad boy always fighting me he didn't used to fight me like this he loves me he loves me why is he fighting I am busy busy I tell him no no hush can't you see? can't you see? I am busy doing things hearing things you must hush hush.

Such a bad boy he refuses and persists asking fighting let me hear too I want to hear

I told him no.

But he still asks always asking nowadays when did he get so curious? This is not the same little brother why? why? he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me if he loves me he wouldn't be bad NO NO NO

NO I cannot think such things about him about my little brother no no no no I love him so. I do I do I do I do. But I am so busy now now we are a guardian he doesn't get that well he won't get it so I am not telling nope nope. He won't understand he is so stupid my brother is such a fool such a silly such a miscreant that sometimes I feel hate but I cannot hate him for he is my little brother I told you I told you I told you how many times I need to tell you I love him I love him I love him

he asked me once if I did

I told him no.

K U K A I

Well, hell. I didn't really expect to wind up here early. I mean, of course I wanted to be a guardian. It's like the powerhouse of the school, you know? But main idea is that I went early and saw her there.

Yeah, her. This absolutely gorgeous girl. That long, flowing hair that always catches any guys' attention and one of those hot short skirts all the girls in our school have to wear. But DAMN. She wore it well. So I caught her eye when I cleared my throat – her eyes are gorgeous by the way- and she really was just a babe.

And then later turns out she's a man. What. The. Fuck.

First off, you crazy bastard, MEN DON'T WEAR THOSE SEXY SKANK SKIRTS! That's a 'girl's only' thing, you freak. And ew, he goes into the girl's bathroom and lockers? Well, actually, that is a clever way to see them partially naked, but GEEZ. It's not worth sacrificing manhood by dressing up like a damn pansy! There are just some things a man has to draw the line at, you know? Wearing a skirt is one of them. Men don't wear skirts. Real men, at least. I guess that says something out this guy's character. What. A. Freak.

And then... I mean, the hell dude? Why is your shugo a girl? It got me thinking, that it did, I mean, what if he's gay? I don't know anyone who's gay. How are you supposed to act around gay people? Christ, this is so not worth it anymore. It really was in the first place, you know, guardians did have that aura of absolute power and only a moron would turn that sort of job down! Am I a moron? Not at all. So did I turn the job down? I'm here, aren't I?

You know that great feeling all day long when you know your mom is making your faaavorite meal for dinner and you're just like... "Day, you simply cannot go wrong when I have –insert awesome dish here- waiting for me once I get home. So take THAT."

But then I had to go and have the nerve to add "Whatcha gunna do about it? Huh? Huh? What!?"

And poof now I know a gay guy. How awkward is that? How weird and sort of icky and geez. I don't really know what I'm going to do now. How do you talk to gay people? They're normal, right? He looks normal. I think he's normal.

He only raised a brow at me when I poked him, so that means he's sort of normal, right? Yeah. Normal people respond to pokes with a change in their faces, so yeah.

I don't even know. I just want some dinner. Is that too much to ask for?

N A D E S H I K O

He tries to remember too often for me to be ever happy ever again I don't even know if I was ever happy he was happy once once once long time ago I think but no not now he says I'll be happy if you'd leave I am not happy when little brother is a bad boy it hurts me deep inside

not his insides mine mine mine mine they no longer belong to him anymore remember? Have you forgotten? No. I am in control now that means now I have a chance to be happy I will smite little brother because

I told him no

mine mine mine mine mine

I will smite destroy eliminate vanquish defeat remove little brother

I will

Do you doubt it?

Can you doubt it?

You no longer know what doubt is do you little brother?

No. No longer do you know anything because so much you have forgotten because so much I have been forced to smite from you

it's because I love you little brother

I told him no

I must always tell him no

I will kill little brother

I will kill you

I love you little brother I only do what is best for you always always always always

I love you so much so much I love you I cannot no longer even try to hide how much I love my little brother I love him

I will kill him because it will make me happy

K U K A I

Damn stupid man-woman. I can't get her- HIM- out of my head. It's like, I mean, geez. He might as well be a girl. There are sex change operations, you know. But that would be a little creepy.

"Oh, hey honey, there's something you need to know now that we're married and I'm 3 months pregnant with our child."

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"I actually used to be a FREAKING MAN!!!

Maybe it was just me and my retardedness or something that managed to screw up his sexual identity because Tadase didn't seem that surprised at all. Of course Tadase is so damn accepting he'd be friends with a friggin snail because he would feel bad for them, so no wonder he accepts this she-male so easily. That's what I'll call this guy. Shemale. And by the way, I wonder what he does for underwear. Christ, you can't stuff your junk in girl's underwear. Damn, my junk wouldn't fit. Maybe his junk does.

God damn it why am I thinking about shemale's junk!? Why why why?! That's so disgustingly wrong and damn. I am so screwed up.

Dinner was really good though. Delicious. We only get to eat that stuff when dad's outta town because he doesn't like it. He's crazy; that stuff is GOOD. I don't know what it's called though. It's crab but it's got stuff in it. Good stuff, you know. But yeah. Hell, as long as someone makes it I don't care what I eat.

N A G I H I K O

There is a boy. I watch him a lot. I can't hear his voice but I can see him. He's near us a lot, so I have a lot of time to watch him. She knows I watch him, but it's not like she can control my watching. I have that power and since she can't stop me I will watch. Maybe it's defiance, but he's also so interesting. He's tall, built, has this captivating red hair, but the most stunning feature is his eyes. Those eyes that, even though I can't hear a word he says, they seem to speak so much to me. Looking at those eyes when they're looking at me and talking to me causes a change. I gain control of another part and that's why I think she hates him so much.

Whenever he's near me and I can see the emotion in his eyes

I get control of my heart.

N A D E S H I K O

it's because I love you little brother I say I say all the time it's because I love you so much Then don't love me!!! He yells back but how can he say things like that to me? I love him so and he screams and yells now he's so much... he's stronger and I don't like it

i think it's that boy that boy I hate him

I told him no

I say little brother little brother I love you

And then I know I know everything he knows so little because when I came he was weak I was able to do so much and take so much and now he knows so little which is so good but he wants more no I say no no you know enough you know all you need he says No I want more!

I told him no

And then he says I hate you

I am torn at this because I love my little brother so much how can he hate me I've only done what he needed I look out for little brother always I always have I always will

I love little brother

I do what is best for little brother

Since I love little brother I will do what is best for him and the best thing for little brother I can do is the same thing as what I want so it is very good very good

I am happy now

I will kill little brother

It is best for you I say

K U K A I

Shemale brought goodies for us the other day. I was sort of hesitant to eat them because I thought they would turn me into a fag or something so I waited until Tadase ate one and then I hit on him to see what he'd do and he just stared at me oddly. So since shemale's cookies have no fag-drugs in them I happily enjoyed them. You gotta always look out for number one, you know? You never know when those things will pop up at you.

So anyway, shemale is sort of creepy. Right now it's just me and shemale and Tadase as guardians. Which is cool, you know, but we're all guys except for shemale who is actually maybe more like a transvestite or something. Who the hell knows. Who the hell cares. But anyway shemale's smile is like the most god damn creepiest thing on the whole damn planet.

It's like shemale doesn't actually really know how to work it's body or something. That smile is so wrong. Tadase doesn't catch it at all, so maybe it's just me. But something about that shemale is just off, you know? I'm not sure what, but something's wrong.

Daichi says I spend too much time thinking about shemale and that makes me gay. Am I gay? Hell no. Ladies all the way. I'm straight as a rod. Take that Daichi.

But I mean, shemale was looking at me funny when I hit on Tadase and I mean I know shemale's gay and all but DAMN does it think I am? No. I'm going to have to make this very, very clear.

Am.

Not.

Gay.

It just can't happen buddy. It won't happen. So you can take whatever little fantasies you might be having and toss them out the window because guess what I'm straight. Straaaight. Like a line. A straight line.

And you know what's so cool? Pinwheels. I saw one coming home. Damn I just can't get away from shemale, can I? We walk home in the same direction and geez since we're both guardians and leave at the same time we end up walking together. Ew. It's like we'll be skipping and holding hands before we know it. NOT. Didn't you read what I said?! Not a fag here! Hell-looo!

But anyway pinwheels are cool. It was green and blue and shiny and I had to stop and look at it for a few minutes. I sort of also hoped shemale would leave but it didn't. It stayed there and waited for me.

And then I turned around and for a second shemale looked right. I'm not sure what it was, but those eyes were different. They looked like man eyes. But they were sort of scared at the same time, staring into space but looking at me at the same time. It was... odd so I waved my hand in front of it's face and its eyes changed and then shemale jumped like a nut and spazzed and character changed with Temari and DAMN. That's one heck of a character change, you know!? That's one crazy ass shemale. Good lord.

N A D E S H I K O

No no no no no nonononononononononono that did not happen just now no no no it cannot happen anymore he cannot get control so easily how did I lose it why why why I am in control I am the strong one I am older I am I am strong I am stronger I am strength I am I am no no no NO.

I must collect myself if he catches onto my panic it is all ruined he will know he has some power he doesn't but I must figure out this flaw and fix it completely otherwise the cause is lost and I must do what is best for little brother at all costs

He cannot interfere I will not let him I hate him so

Does he even know what he is capable of I wonder I wonder if it's all just a scheme if he is a friend from long ago before me that knows him but forgot him as he got older I wonder

But I will let him think that I allowed him to get free to see the hated one because I am a good sister that loves little brother that wants what is best for him always

He is a good boy he is just troubled deep deep I am here for him always because I am the only one that loves him this much I love him this much that I am willing to smite him out of this love because I just cannot

I love him

N A G I H I K O

"Hey there, son!"

The man bends down, taking me into his arms and lifting me up into a bear hug. He laughs. He kisses my forehead as he laughs, his whole body jiggles with joy as he hugs me. He looks me in the eyes. His eyes are blue, a deep cerulean that penetrates through my body and straight into my soul, filling it with the same joy that radiates from his laughter.

Another.

"Sweetie!"

This time it's the woman. She swoops into my room. I am playing some sort of child's game as she wraps me into a hug from behind, planting a kiss onto my head in my hair. She whispers more sweet things. I cannot see what she says but I know it is sweet.

They are all sweet.

We're all together. The man, the woman, me walking together. I am in the middle holding both their hands as we walk to the park. The woman and man are talking and laughing I am distracted, looking at our surroundings because I am young. I am curious. We reach the park and they let go and I happily go play outside.

It's sunny, warm, peaceful. It's perfect here.

I wonder if it's all fake or if it's real.

N A D E S H I K O

He's doing it again the shifting the shifting he does it a lot nowadays I worry for I don't know what he is thinking but shifting shifting through the memories cannot be a good sign because that means he is curious again he has always been a curious one but now at this exact time I worry that maybe no it's not yet time for him to know I can't let him know yet so I must keep them hidden like I always have to protect little brother because I love him I love him I love him

I do what is best for little brother

N A G I H I K O

I think it's real. I think she just took out everything bad. But then again, how could I know? I don't know. I'm guessing. That's what she wants. She doesn't want me to know.

But it goes like this as I search for something. I don't know what I'm looking for. I want any information that would help me get her out of here.

I search

There's a memory

I reflect

If the memory is good

It's whole

If it's bad

I can tell because there's this

White

Space

in my brain where the rest should be but now I'm not sure if there's even supposed to be anything there because I don't know what actual people's memories are like just mine. No one can remember everything. Maybe I just have a knack for remembering good things? She used to tell me I was always a happy kid, always optimistic. So that could make sense except for the fact she also said she took stuff out.

It's like I'll be going along remembering my past but all of a sudden when the woman comes it goes blank. It doesn't always, just sometimes. But I see this look, I call it the look, and then it goes blank.

I don't like the color white.

D A I C H I

Kiseki and I watch her a lot, actually. She's really just a weirdo. I mean, she's all polite one second and the next it's like she'll rip your head off if you dare to move. Temari's just a weirdo.

The first time we (being me and that pompous ass) met her we were like "Hey so who's your partner" and she didn't say anything but point at the girl... well, no. Boy. Well, no. She pointed at the 'shemale' (Kukai's name for her. He's sort of weird too.)

But anyway. Point is Temari pointed at the guardian and didn't say a word. Not when we asked her what the guardian's name was, not when we asked why she wouldn't tell us what the guardian's name was. She didn't say anything about the guardian, actually. She doesn't really say much, it's like she's preoccupied with something.

I guess to me it's just weird not to mention anything about your partner ever, because I mean, we're here because they want to be us. We're what they want to be, so we're basically their hopes and dreams meshed into a tiny little floating thing. It's like, well... We're a big part of their lives, as they are the biggest part of ours. And not to ever even hint at anything like that is just weird.

And it gets me thinking just why the guardian (I think the name is Nadeshiko, but I'm not sure.) would want to be Temari. I mean, yeah, she's got that violent mean streak, but really. What's really there?

I don't know. But I want to know.

T A D A S E

I'm... I'm not sure how it happened and it startles me that something like this could even happen. How to explain it...?

I was in the library researching, working. Nadeshiko-chan was with me, but then I suppose now she saw Souma-kun out of the corner of her eye and excused herself to go see him. I was fine with that. I assumed she had to go to the bathroom or something of that sort. So I continued working calmly. I think the school expects a lot out of us. We're simply fifth graders; their faith in us might be too much. But I continued by activities until I realized- with a small blush- that Nadeshiko's mentioning of the restroom had made my body realize its own urge.

So I sat down my work and stood up from the table we had been working at. Then I began to walk to the restroom.

But on my way there I passed Nadeshiko and Kukai who were conversing. Kukai seemed irritated and was questioning Nadeshiko quiet passionately. Nadeshiko seemed unfazed, but he reached out and grabbed her shoulders. I watched, shocked, as Nadeshiko's face completely changed from neutral to absolutely terrified in a single moment- like she'd been holding up her guard all this time and somehow now that he had touched her she could drop it.

Nadeshiko crumpled and would have hit the floor except Kukai caught her, holding her up by placing his arms beneath her elbows as she tottered. And he was no longer angry; by the looks of it guilt had replaced that emotion entirely and he was doing his best to try to comfort the shaking girl.

I crept closer, at a loss for words. It was wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to hear their conversation. I positioned myself in a convenient spot and waited.

Nadeshiko eventually seemed to realize something as Kukai helped her stand. She looked up at him and smiled. There was an emotion I'd never seen deeply entrenched in Kukai's face. Shock? Maybe pure disbelief?

But Nadeshiko smiled and began to move her mouth, slowly trying to form words, it seemed. And it looked like she was having quite a bit of trouble.

Kukai led her to a table, sitting her down and then pulling up a chair to sit across from her. She was shaking again and he hadn't let go of her trembling hand the whole time.

I followed still.

"Hey, shh. It's okay. It's okay." Kukai soothingly began to comfort her, which only caused the body to quiver more violently. She looked up at him, and from even as far away as I was I could tell the only thing there was pure admiration. If I may guess, I would go as far to say that maybe it was even love. But she's... Nadeshiko is actually a boy and... that would mean...

I turned my attention back to the conversation.

"W-what's your name?" The girl whispers, staring up at Kukai. And I pause. How can she not know? Is she that... what is going on?!

Kukai must think the same thing. He only stares, mouth agape. "What!?"

"Y-your name..?"

"Kukai. Souma Kukai." He frowns and then something immediately streaks across his face. A realization. An epiphany, maybe? But what's he thinking?

"What's your name?"

"M-my name..." The girl looks down, as if she's doing her best to remember but it's just not coming. "I don't know."

"Keep thinking. It's in their somewhere." Kukai rubbed her back gently, pulling her closer.

The girl sighed and rested her head unabashedly against his chest. And as soon as her cheek hit his chest her eyes lit up and she yanked away.

"My name!"

"You remember?"

"My name is Nagihiko!"

T E M A R I

It's been this way for as long as I can remember. They both want to be me. Nagihiko-san wants to be stronger so he can defeat her. Nadeshiko-chan wants to be stronger so she can protect him. It's... strange. But it some way it's cute.

It's distracting listening to both their thoughts at once and knowing the motives. I know why they go back and forth and up and down and I know why Nadeshiko wants to kill him and I know Nagihiko is on the verge of basically killing anything he can just to show he is able.

It's simple, really, but very distracting. I have to keep a watch over both of them all the time. They sleep at different times. They do just about everything differently and they continuously struggle for power and dominance. Nadeshiko wins.

Nadeshiko is completely insane. Her thoughts are random bursts of whatever simple emotion she's feeling at the time. Nadeshiko and I are so similar and yet so different. Similar in the sense that Nagihiko created both of us. Different because of the way we were created.

It's so hard to explain which is why I stay silent. It's hard enough keeping my two partners in line that I seldom have time for interaction myself. I am strong when they need me. But other than that I do not try to interfere.

I will not lie. I like Nagihiko more. He is the original. Nadeshiko is just there because he wanted and needed protection. Any kind of protection.

He doesn't need protection anymore but now she won't leave. She feels as if she owns him know and he will never be able to stand on his own two feet again. She literally is going to smother him to death with her overprotection.

She has a reason to be overprotective. I have a reason I must always stay strong.

K U K A I

"N...Nagihiko." I breathed, closing my eyes. And now it all makes sense.

My mom works at the hospital and I go with her sometimes. I used to a lot, but then I met some of the patients- the mental ones- and I was too frightened so I didn't go back. But I recognize it when I see it.

"Alright, Nagihiko. So, tell me about yourself."

"I don't know."

"You don't know anything?"

"White. I hate the color white."

I keep rubbing his back. I don't know what else I can do. There isn't really a cure. But the way he clings to me and the way it feels like if he ever lets go his going to die... I don't know. It makes me sympathetic, not to mention guilty. I was right about my shemale thing. Really right. There's a she and there's a he and they're together trapped in his head. Wouldn't that just suck?

And there's nothing I can do. No matter how tight he holds, he can't keep holding on forever. And this explains the fake smile. And the real smile that day a few weeks ago with the pinwheel. And I don't know what to do. What can I do? And do I really want to do something? Why should it matter to me?

But it does matter. There's this feeling in my gut- you know, that damn guilty conscious one?

So since it matter to me, what can I do about it?

Nothing. Nothing.

The word stings. It hurts. The truth hurts.

T E M A R I

The white space. I can hear it now, ringing through his part of their mind. He hates it so much because all Nagihiko wants to know is truth. He doesn't remember what happened because she took it, and regardless of the fact it does protect him in some way if he wants to know I don't think she has the right to hold it back from him any longer.

I'm working on it. I want him to remember because once he remembers, he'll be stronger because he'll no longer need her in order to cope. She bears the weight on her shoulders now. She wants to protect him and this is the only way she knows how. And he resists and it upsets her because she really does want to protect him. That's what she was designed to do- protect Nagihiko and love him.

There are drugs for this sort of thing- neuroleptics or antipsychotic drugs. People say schizophrenia is curable now because it's only an imbalance in chemicals in the brain.

In this case, I don't think the drugs are the problem. He created her, so he can destroy her. All he has to do is know. But she's the one with the hold on the information he needs.

It's complicated. I'm not sure I can really explain all this correctly because it's between them. They have to work it out, but they don't really talk. They fight. But she's not going to settle for a simple discussion and neither is he and if there is some way for Nagihiko to remember I am going to find it.

N A D E S H I K O

I am so upset so repressed is this what little brother always feels like this awful feeling this this is awful torture what have I been doing to little brother?

I cannot feel.

What is life if one cannot feel?

I cannot hear. I cannot smell. I do not even control what my eyes look at; I look where he looks. It is the worst thing I have ever had to experience and I hate it I hate it how I hate that boy that red headed monster who is taking my brother from me I can feel it

I told him no

I cannot feel

I do not like this I do not like this at all what is this feeling? This emptiness has no equal. This is what I am doing to little brother I am making him empty torturing him by doing this

But I love little brother but I love... I love me too

I do not want to be in his spot instead I want to be free and the only way is by killing little brother and that means killing him by making him empty but this is supposed to protect him but all it does is... is this I haven't been here so long so long it's horrifying being here

There's nothing here but my thoughts they surround me they are my only companions in this desert

I look around but that's it I cannot... I cannot close my eyes even and dream I am just simply stuck her watching but can I choose not to watch?

Yes I can

And all that is left is white... white space

It goes for miles and miles and miles around me in all ways I look down at myself but I am nothing

I blend with the white

It's just me and me and what I think and what do I think being surrounding with nothing but my thoughts is horrifying

Because no

No no no

I cannot admit to myself that

I told myself no

Because if I were to admit

I would be wrong and that would mean that little brother has been right all along and I have done nothing to protect him but just push him deeper into pain and oh no

That is not what I meant to do at all

That is not it at all

I love him I love him I love him

Oh no I am as bad as she

What have I done?

T E M A R I

"You know what you must do now."

"Yes." she says. She knows. She will not meet my eyes as I come to visit her in the white space. I have never done so with Nagihiko although he is my favorite because although he created me he knows not of my existence.

"Do you think little brother will love me?"

"Yes. He will forgive you."

"What if he hates me?"

"Then that would mean nothing has changed."

She pauses. "He hates me?"

I don't reply.

She doesn't know what to say. "I hate this white."

"You created it. You ripped away the color. You have his memories."

"Yes. They are mine. Not his. He cannot have them back because they will hurt him."

"And you haven't? This white space. Can you even fathom how much he despises it?"

She cringes, nods.

"Then do something, Nadeshiko-chan. You are capable. You love your little brother, right?"

"More than anything."

"Then give them back."

And that she did.

N A G I H I K O

The look. It's the look again. That look I always wanted to know about but never could because she wouldn't let me.I am working hard! I am!

The part is coming. The part I have never seen; the part she took away. Something inside me is excited. The rest is fearful.

And then I see.

It's the look and then the woman strikes me hard across the face, sending me tumbling to the floor.

I cannot hear what she says. I hear my thoughts.

But she doesn't care. She hits me again. And again. And again. Then I hear her voice. She screeches at me, telling me I am not good enough at acting. That I am a sad excuse for an oyama. And then I look at the woman and the man comes to my mind. They are one and the same, I realize.

She strikes me again. And again. And then she reaches for a cane, still with that look.

And now I realize what that look is.

That is hate.

N A D E S H I K O

I cry I cry I cry I cry I cry I cry

Oh forgive me please I am sorry I am sorry I only wanted to protect you from her that awful awful no good...

I swore I would protect you little brother because if you didn't remember her then what she did wouldn't hurt you

I always do what is best for little brother I tried to always do what was best for little brother I tried I tried I tried I tried

I failed I did I did wrong I know I did but it is too late because little brother wanted to know but I knew if he knew then he would be hurt and I want to protect little brother because I love him

I always will love him always I love him I love him so much I just wanted what was best is that so wrong

temari says no she says it's okay nadeshiko-chan it's okay you did what's right now now you can go

But where do I go

I don't know where else to go

temari smiles and says you go away nadeshiko-chan

I say where where where can I go will little brother be safe

She says yes

I say where where

She says anywhere

I do not know what that means but as I look around in little brother's head it is full of color now no more white he hates the color white he does he does

I can feel him know he looks at me he stops and we stop and we just look at each other for a moment and I say I love you little brother

he says are you staying?

I told him no

And this time he smiled

K U K A I

I... I have no idea what the hell happened. He doesn't talk about it anymore and I mean, that's cool. I guess it was a little traumatic and all but he passes out in my arms in the middle of the damn library and Tadase rushes over and geez was he watching this or something?

But he's unconscious. And Temari comes up. And then she's gone. And then Tadase and I just look at each other and try to figure out what the hell just happened because first of all this guy a schizophrenic and then he has damn girly clothing problems and just... wow. Talk about issues.

But I scoop him up anyway and drag him with Tadase by my side to the Nurse's office where I drop him on a bed and grab a chair and plop down to wait.

Tadase does the same, but I glare at him so he goes away. He's spied enough, I think.

But I wait for him to wake up. It's at least 3 hours before he twitches. His eyelids open and I look at him and he looks at me and we just sort of sit there dumbfounded for a few minutes but then he sits up and wiggles his fingers around and I just look at him and I know he knows that I knew he was a skitzo but I don't say anything so I guess he decides to let it go.

And then he looks at me and smiles. I smile back because, well, you smile back when people smile at you because it's just what you do.

And it happened so fast and I still don't get what happened at all but the next thing I know he's freaking KISSING me and I'm just sitting there like... frozen because what the hell had I ever done to give him the power to kiss me like, at all? What the hell, you know? I hadn't done anything at all and then there's this guy here and he just passed out and now he's friggin KISSING me and... and...

What the hell!? I push him away and give me my best "WTF" look and he just grins, this sly grin I'd never seen from him before. He looked like a guy. I tell him that and he laughs

I am so confused. My thoughts are just all jumbled up and I can't make sense of anything and it's too fast and he kissesd me and... and all I can do is sit there confused as I watch Nagihiko move around and touch everything he can reach.

N A G I H I K O

She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She really is gone. Gone. Completely gone. And now I know what she was doing. I suppose I can understand now, but I'm still glad she's gone. And I know stuff know, like where I live, my full name, the place I attend school. I know stuff about my friends, about the shocked red-haired boy in front of me and Hotori Tadase. I know stuff about Temari and Kiseki and Daichi.

I smiled at him. Kukai just stares back at me. I suppose I shouldn't have kissed him, but I wanted too. I can do what I want now. And if I want to kiss him, then damn it I'm going to. It's empowering, you know?

Choice. The powers of choice.

I grin this time, watching as he blushes. I don't think he appreciated the kiss, but I don't care. I am touching everything I can now: the cloth, the clock, the lamp, the railing on the bed, my clothes, my hair. It's so long now.

I just can't believe it. She's really gone. It's almost like it's too good to be true. It's sort of a mystery as to why she just gave up and left. But then I look up and see his reaction, finally. He gives me this 'ewww' face and wipes his forearms across his lips repetitively. I can't help but laugh.

And as I watch him, I remember more stuff. Like the evening with the pinwheel. And my heart leaps a bit, pounding in my chest as I watch him roll his eyes in response to my laugh. I like him. I can like him.

"Don't do that again. Weirdo."

I laugh again, falling back onto the bed. I have the rest of my life to work on him.

I can think clearly now. I control my thoughts and my actions and guess what? I am wiggling my toes right now. And I can stop them. And I can start them again. It's me. Just me.

And best of all there's no more white space. It's all color.

I have a new favorite color.

It's green, the same as his eyes.