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A long one! Enjoy!

Chapter 5: Doubts

The hot water shower had helped me relax: I went out with a less foggy mind, but once ready, the anguish invaded me again...

Calm down, breathe a big blow...

The mirror showed a young woman looking tired and anxious. She tried to arrange a little her auburn and half-long hair, slightly wavy, while her pale blue eyes, unusually circled, were watching into space...

The only person able to comfort me right now is unconscious and is suffering tremendously...

Never mind, I had to see him, to have him at my sides. I left the bathroom to make for his room. His cries had calmed down for a few hours but when I approached the bed, his state seemed even worse if it were possible. I sat down beside the bed, contemplating his strangely peaceful face.

"He's asleep" Esme gently said before adding: "Do not delay too much, you need to eat a little..."
I only answered by a nod. I did not want to go down: although they were a little more familiar to me, I was always in awe of the Cullens. Besides, I needed his presence...

I remembered my first meeting with him. It happened during the last New Year's Eve. I had left to celebrate with my best friend who studied for a year in Paris. I was excited at the idea of meeting her and discovering this mythical city, but also, I admit, I was secretly hoping to meet an handsome Frenchman... after all, Paris is said to be the city of lovers! We went to admire the fireworks drawn from the Eiffel Tower and that's where we crossed. It was furtive, a mere glance, but I was already captivated by his green and mysterious eyes. He had also noticed me but did not have the opportunity to approach, his group of friends, somewhat tipsy, were already driving him away. His face haunted my thoughts until the end of my stay. I hoped to meet him again, looking at each exit of museum, each café in which we stopped, at every street corner, but without success. Five days later, I left Paris: I hugged one last time my friend and in doing so gave up any hope to see him again. How surprised was I when I spotted him in the boarding lounge! He was American too, and was about to take the same plane, towards Chicago… since that day, we never parted.

And today I was on the verge of losing everything. No more than memories remained to me... and what about him? What would remain to him in a few days? Gently cherishing his cheek, I stood there waiting desperately for him to calm my anxiety, to pronounce my name: a proof that he still remembered me... but nothing... and even if he remembered me, would he still want me? Just like the life was abandoning him, I felt our story slip through my fingers, impossible to retain... A tear trickled down my cheek, quickly joined by others...

I did not know how long I stayed there, crying at Josh's bedside. I was finally going to leave the room, torn by hunger when someone knocked at the door gently.

"Lena?" Edward entered with precaution.

"I need to introduce you to someone..."

A young woman came in her turn: she was pale but not as much as the other vampires. In fact, her cheeks were rosy and her eyes chocolate...

"This is Bella, my reason to live."

She blushes at this assertion.

"But she is... human!"

I could not help but say it out loud. The surprise was quickly replaced by a new hope; a smile appeared on my face.

"Yes... unfortunately" she said, casting a glance at Edward.

A vampire and a human? Together? It is possible?!

"It had not always been obvious, but yes it is possible..." said Edward.

"So Josh and me... I mean if he remembers me..."

But Edward cut me:
"The few times when his thoughts are clear, they are directed to you ... Believe me if he should remember anything when he wake up, it will be you."

My heart beat wildly, but this time of joy, excitement, hope... In a few days, the agony of Josh would end and we could be together again! All right, he would be a vampire, some habits would change, such as breakfast in bed Sunday mornings, but we would remain together!

"Lena, don't gladden too quickly," Edward tempered.

"Why? If you can do it, why not Josh?"

"I have 109 years of experience as a vampire, I used to resist human blood. And even with this seniority, I couldn't get too close to Bella the first months without suffering from an intense thirst for..." he took a deep breath.
"... her blood. It still happens sometimes, even though I know how to control myself. As for Josh, he will be what we call a newborn. His thirst will be irresistible, he will be very difficult to control..."

"Difficult but not impossible" I replied, as for his defence.

"I doubt that during his first year he can resist the presence of human..."

"But I am not any human, I am the one he loves, his Lena!" I cried. He did not know Josh, how could he say that!

"You must understand that when thirst invades a vampire, he becomes a real animal, deprived of any reason, only listening to his instinct, and his instinct at this moment is..."

"... to attack. I understood. We will just have to be careful..." I was sticking to it. Josh often had fun of my stubbornness and his being a vampire was not going to impress me.

He wanted to answer back but Bella silently enjoin him not to do so, tightening his hand a little more firmly.

I left the room cheered up, Bella and Edward on my heels. Bella, by her mere presence, allowed me to hope again. I entered the kitchen with a smile and I was about to open the fridge when I stopped my gesture. I was among vampires, what did I hope to find in there? Fresh blood?

Edward laughed: "Bella eats here regularly: there is everything needed to feed you, one like the other". He then started to prepare food, to my great surprise.

"A vampire cooking?"

"He is still on probation!" replied Bella. I turned to her: she gave me a smile that I answered by a bigger one. I came to realize that this house was not so foreign to the presence of humans.

Maybe will they accept that I stay here then?

"It has never been question of the contrary..."

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I spent most of my time at the bedside of Josh, going down only to eat a little. Monday morning, at dawn, I went down to have my breakfast when I realized what day it was: Josh and I had not taken cellphones, in order to cut ourselves off from the outside world as he said. But we were supposed to come back Sunday evening, his family was going to worry and quickly mine would follow suit. I had to call them... I aimed for the phone when Edward, returning from Bella's house, stopped me:

"And to tell them what?"

"That I'm fine and that Josh..."

Well, yes it's true, something like 'all is well, Josh is dying to become a vampire, apart from that everything's fine!'

I had promised to say nothing about the Cullens and anyway, nobody would believe me...

"But they'll be worried to death! They will seek us! We will have to tell them!"

"Lena, you have to understand that for the family of Josh, he has disappeared and will never come back" then said Carlisle, who must had heard our conversation from his office. He did not go back to the hospital so as to stay alongside Josh.

"But they will look for us!"

"Most certainly. For a time, you will have to stay here, to hide."

"Me too?"

"As for you, you still have the choice... and whatever it should be, we will respect it. But if you decide to resurface, you will not under any circumstances talk about Josh, feigning amnesia..." Carlisle paused, weighing my reaction before continuing.

"They will ask you a lot of questions and we can not put ourselves at risk, my family and I. At the slightest suspicion, we should disappear and Josh would leave with us..."

A new weight crushed in my chest... even though I was not a vampire, if I wanted to stay I will have to hide like one... and as doing so will no longer see my family for God only knows how long.

"But when Josh is able to control himself, we will meet our families again, won't we?"

"And how will you explain his physical change, his cold skin and the fact that he no longer ages?" replied Edward.

"It would be cruel and hard to return, because sooner or later he would have to leave again, so as not to raise suspicions about his true nature. This would hurt them once again... No, believe me, it's better like this..."

I realized that Josh would never see them again, neither his parents nor his friends... and in my case, well, I always had the choice... but what a choice! It was either my family, my life in Chicago, or the love of my life, Josh. My throat tightened to the realization of the importance of such a decision, its consequences. Whatever it was, I was going to suffer and hurt those that I love... I breathed deeply, trying to digest the bad news.

At least I did not have to choose now. As had said Carlisle, I could still reappear by feigning amnesia... I did not realize that my legs no longer supported me and I was going to collapse when two muscular arms retained me.

"Hey! You're not going to replay the fading scene there huh! "Emmett said laughing, gently sitting me on the couch. He was however slightly worried.

"It was you who was in the forest!"

"Yep! Alice and I: we hunted all three with Jasper when..." he did not finish his sentence, uneasiness growing into the room.

So when I finally felt more serene, a new obstacle had to stand, creating a new node of anxiety into my stomach... I ran to the bay-window.

"Where are you going?"

"Going for a walk. None of you intend to go hunting during this time?"

They were surprised by my aggressive tone but did not insist. I added, more gently:

"Don't worry, I will not go too far..."

Two days earlier, I would have given everything to leave this damp forest, and now, the only thing I wanted was to go back into it, to forget this family, this prison...

Yes, so far, I had not felt trapped, or whatever, but now that I knew I could no longer leave, without paying the full price of it, I felt oppressed, watched... I moved away a bit more, hoping to put myself out of reach of Edward's power: even my thoughts were watched!

I did not know how long I stayed there, leaning back on the trunk of a great oak, a few hundred meters from the house, but the sun was already declining when I decided to leave... I began to feel cold.

When I crossed again the picture window, Alice joyfully greeted me:
"At last! I took Bella to a little shopping trip and took advantage of it to make you a small wardrobe, considering you'll stay a while..."

Bella sketched a smile but seemed exhausted. Alice must have made her live a real marathon day: there were a dozen bags arranged around the living room.

"It's time for the fitting!" She approached me but stopped suddenly, less than one meter away. I thought she did not want to get too close, so as not to be tempted to bite me. But she was staring into space, as if she had come suddenly into a trance. Then just as suddenly, she came back to herself.

"Alice, what's the matter?" Jasper enquired. "What have you seen?"

What have you seen?

"Josh. He's going to wake up."

"Thank you! One would have suspected it you know…"Emmett joked.

How ...

"No, you don't understand! He's going to wake up any minute now! "

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