A.N: Wooh! Finally! We've managed to get to the finish line (kind of?) and not be broken by the ultimate amount of angst and drama revolving around this damn story! Yayness for those of you who actually had the courage to read such an angst-fest from beginning to end-ish. Whether it was at least a 'good' angst-fest has yet to be debated. Lol. There is a small (and I mean small) epilogue that goes along with this final chapter, but that'll be posted in a day or two from now. Probably Monday or Tuesday, actually. It's already done, but I just don't have the time to download it right now (Me = Tired From Working All Day). By the by, I tried something different with this chapter... tell me what ya think (the song lyrics are just segways to the next 'part' of the chapter, so try not to to delve too deeply into them).
I have to say, the person you should all really thank for this ending is Kitsune55 for basically ruling out any other alternative for this story with her small pleas. You'll see it all a bit clearer in the epilogue... but, yeah. She refused to be denied, as many of you others showed me as well. Lol. And, as always, many thanks to her for beta-ing as well. Yay.
Disclaimer: I do not own the songs "Half-Alive", "Awake" or "Broken", all of which are performed by and belong to the band Secondhand Serenade. Yeah, I had a theme going, darn it. Lol. Oh, and I don't own Death Note... obviously. *Sigh*
Title: All the Rest
Chapter Three: Our Story
"I'm feeling half-alive,
But I know one day
You and I will be free
To live and die by our own rules-
Free.
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's ok that we're dying…
But I need to survive tonight-
Tonight."
-"Half-Alive" by Secondhand Serenade
There are times that I have to wonder about the decisions we both made that night.
Staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes…
You knew that I had betrayed you.
You knew.
And yet…
You came anyway.
Strangely enough, all I kept thinking to myself was-
'How did I get so lucky?'
But in the long run, luck really had nothing to do with it…
Not in concern to me, anyway.
"Raito…" Lawliet whispered as he sat up on the bed, pale white sheets falling over his gown-encased torso. "I…"
"I know." Raito whispered, his eyes glistening with something close to tears. Walking towards the bed, the brunette stopped himself before he got too close, not sure if he could walk any further without either crying out in distress or screaming in anger. "You look… the same. Good to know you didn't croak while I was gone."
"I do." The dark-haired 18-year-old muttered, ignoring the half-hearted insult for what it was and instead concentrating on the slightly haggard appearance his friend's face seem to take after two weeks apart.
If Raito had been exhausted and malnourished whilst he had been looking after Lawliet, then Lawliet didn't even want to think about what would happen after he was gone.
'But that's the only option you're giving him, isn't it? And worst yet, you haven't even told him about it… You know he knows. And you weren't even the one to tell him about it… What a wonderful friend you are.'
The same words that had haunted him rung incessantly within his head as Lawliet felt the beginnings of guilt stir within his gut, reminding him that his friend was much more perceptive than he gave him credit for.
"Wonderful." Raito commented dryly. "And here I thought you'd be halfway in your grave by now. Silly, silly me."
Lawliet didn't even flinch as Raito strolled right by his bed and sat against the couch sitting in front of the large window looming over the city surrounding the spacey hospital. Dark gray eyes kept their impassive look in them as the fiery passion swirled within Raito's own mocha-brown gaze, neither man willing to submit.
"I'll have Raito know that I am not quite yet ready to meet my maker." Lawliet pouted, grasping at the pale white hospital sheets lying on top of his lap with delicate fingers.
The laid out brunette barely held in his snort, keeping his gaze outside the window and on the city below them. "You'd never know with that devil-may-care attitude of yours."
"Raito doesn't know what he's talking about." Was the petulant patient's sullen reply, his voice breaking slightly at the end of the sentence as exhaustion began to eat away at his own psyche.
"And neither do you, but you still continue to open your mouth anyway. Figured I might as well join the club." Raito's omniscient stare swiveled back to the only other person in the room, the machines humming along with the strained tension that hung above the two teenager's heads. "Do you know what's even sadder than seeing you laying there on that bed, looking as harmless as a month old kitten? That I expected it."
"When the doctor's were treating you after our little trip, I wasn't surprised when I found out that you were doing your chemo again. When they kept going on about how it would affect your recovery, and how dangerously close you were to dying after losing as much blood as you did, I still wasn't surprised. You didn't mean to keep it from me, at least not in a spiteful way." The boy's eyes glistened as his hands trembled on his lap, the golden rays of light giving him a sort of tragic glow. "It wasn't your fault. You were still holding on, and I accepted it, because I loved you. All of you."
The rustling from the bed threw Raito off guard as pale white legs drifted over the ledge of the mattress, the bed's railings pulled down in a swift motion. Pushing himself up, Lawliet blinked over at his friend's now trembling form.
"… Is this why you haven't come before today?" Even as he spoke, Lawliet could see the truth behind Raito's own eyes.
The harsh stir of emotion only serving to remind him of the truth behind his own lies, and the mistakes Lawliet himself still continued to make even now.
"Usually I'd make a sarcastic remark about one of us having to be the bigger man… but I just don't feel like making anymore jokes out of this than necessary. You know what you've done, and there's no sense of telling me otherwise. I just need to know… why?"
There were a million things I could have said.
The hospital food was horrible…
I didn't see the point of getting poked in the back again…
Bone Marrow Transplants were for wussies who actually cared about their lives…
The truth was, even I didn't know why I was putting off all of the procedures.
I wanted to say something heroic, about you living your life without having to carry my burden around with you, and me accepting my fate of having to die alone…
But that was bullshit.
And the lies…
They just didn't want to come out.
So instead…
"Because I don't see the point of living a useless life I don't want to live." Lawliet answered back, eyes narrowing in agitation. "Do you really think that you're so important that it's worth going through all of this? Even I have a limit, Raito."
I hurt the one person I loved most, without even a second thought.
I didn't even feel ashamed, damn it.
I just…
I just didn't even think.
Raito looked away for a moment, hiding the contortion of pain those series of words had ignited. Pulling himself together, the desperate brunette turned back to his friend and sighed.
"Is that how you really feel?" Raito whispered, looking neither as distraught nor as angered as Lawliet might have thought he would have looked. In fact, his face…
Was utterly blank.
Though the anger Lawliet had managed to conjure had been as fake as the response he had given the young student, the panic welling up inside his chest felt all too real.
"I…"
'I don't know.'
'Leave me alone.'
'I don't have the answers you're looking for!'
"Well, Lawliet?" For a moment, Raito's face softened as the internal battle within the boy's crumbling mask began to pour over on his facial expression, gray eyes darkening into a stormy pewter. "Is it?"
'I wish I could tell you the truth…'
"Yes."
'But there's nothing to really tell.'
I'm not one to apologize.
I'm just… not.
And neither are you, Raito.
But, sitting here thinking about it all now…
I would try, Raito.
Harder.
Better.
Anything.
I swear I would.
Maybe I'd fail.
Maybe… maybe I wouldn't.
Damn it.
Does it even matter now?
"Fine. But remember… you've only got yourself to blame in this scenario. I can't keep watching you destroy yourself; I can't. So you play your little cowardly act and keep on digging deeper and deeper until you figure out that it isn't death you want so much…" Raito took in a shuttered breath as he held in the small amount of liquid stinging at his corneas. "But just another chance to live."
Lawliet watched as Raito walked out of the hospital room, the scorned brunette's eyes now red-rimmed from both lack of sleep and the threat of tears pouring over his cinnamon-brown gaze, his heart still bleeding with something all too close to betrayal.
Feeling a part of himself crack under the pressure, the dark-haired patient laid his head down against his pillow as he wept without actually weeping, not sure if he even deserved that much comfort.
If not now, when?
If not with you, then with whom?
Asking these questions don't guarantee us the answers we want or need, and even if we had the answers, would people like us ever accept them in all of their finality?
I wanted to simply stay by your side, in the beginning.
And now, look at where we are.
What have we done to deserve this?
"Lawliet…"
The young man awoke hours later to his mother's voice, a sense of disembodiment floating within the recesses of his mind as cold soft hands shook his shoulders, the hoarse sound of sobs hanging off her usually lilting soprano. Still half-asleep, Lawliet wondered if there was a way he could just slip back into his land of dreams and just stay there…
"Lawliet, please, this is important…"
Still, Lawliet felt himself partially drifting within the darkness of half-dreams, a familiar face smiling down at him with a happiness the 18-year-old hadn't seen in months…
"Lawliet… it's… Lawliet, it's Raito…"
How could Lawliet want to wake from this dream?
Blurry gray eyes opened just a fraction as the sight of his mother's face, still distorted from just waking up, lay soaked with tears.
"Lawliet… Raito's been… he's been hit by… you just have to wake up, damn it!"
And in a matter of seconds, that beautiful dream turned into a seemingly never-ending nightmare that Lawliet would not soon forget.
"Say my name, I just want to hear you.
Say my name, so I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me-
You showed me how to live.
So just say… so just say…
That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything."
-"Awake" by Secondhand Serenade
I'd take the blame, if I could.
For everything.
My mother says it doesn't matter whose fault it is, now.
Well, it does to me.
To anybody else, it may not seem like I don't care, but I do.
From the beginning.
From the moment our eyes met.
From the time you laughed your silly laugh and invited me to your house.
From the minute you and I first saw each other at school.
From the first touch of our lips to our first fight with our fists.
I've always cared.
Looking down at your thin delicate hand…
Who'd have thought our positions would have reversed, Raito?
"Where… where is he…"
Stumbling out of bed, Lawliet ripped the various needles and small sensors off of his arms and felt his legs nearly collapse under him as his mother attempted to push him back on the bed. Blood ran down his pale white arms, staining his hospital gown as his mother held in a gasp of worriment.
"Where is he… where is he…"
The question continually stumbled out of his mouth as the usually reserved boy pushed his mother out of his way, his voice escalating with each passing breath. Flailing out of the room, wild gray eyes widened as a multitude of people came rushing towards his room, various voices filling his ears.
"Nurse! Patient in room 601 is going into shock!"
"What?! But-"
"Someone get in there and sedate the poor kid!"
"Anxiety attack! He's having an anxiety attack!"
"Doesn't matter, get him back on that bed and strap him down if you have to! NOW!"
"Where is he?!" Lawliet cried out as two male nurses rushed in and pulled him back into the room and down onto the now stained red bed. "WHERE IS HE?!"
Feeling a slight prick on his arm, Lawliet felt his body wear down on its own accord, the fluid feeling of losing one's consciousness leaving him with a pool of darkness and the same question that no one seemed to want to answer…
'Raito… where are you?'
I don't remember much after that.
I'm kind of glad I don't have to, if you really wanted to know the truth.
Darkness…
It just keeps speckling in on what I do remember, making it all seem much more dramatic than it probably was.
Either that, or I'm probably still in denial about it.
I haven't quite decided yet, truth be told.
Watching you know…
I don't think it matters, does it?
Darkness…
Light…
Memories…
Lies…
Is this my punishment for pushing you away?
I couldn't believe it at first.
Irony had definitely swung hard and fast, and I had to wonder, just for a second, if this is what it felt like to be in a soap opera.
For some strange reason, the thought of Nate barging in, proclaiming that he was your secret lover and that we were all somehow related by distant blood came into mind.
Unfortunately, I didn't find it all that funny.
Even after the onslaught of chaos and semi-destruction within my own hospital room, I still don't remember a lot after my mother told me about the accident…
My doctor told me that I had just about blanked out for a good two days, only asking the one question that seemed lodged within my head.
I almost didn't believe him, at first.
But then again…
I don't remember much. So maybe it wasn't so un-believable. I don't doubt that the amount of sedatives they pumped me with (and oh, how they tried to deny that one…) had something to do with it.
Even so, my question was answered…
Eventually.
"Where is he?"
The horrible calm that descended over her son's voice clutched at her heart's strings as Maki's own set of light gray eyes once again filled with tears.
"Lawliet?" The young mother laid a hand on the boy's forehead, wincing at the shockingly white pallor and frosty temperature of the boy's skin. "Are you… alright, honey?"
"Mother…" Glassy dark gray eyes pinpointed to her face as Maki felt her resolve tremble… "Please. I need to know."
Only to then break.
"From what the nurse down the hall just told me, they've just… they've just taken him out of the OR and he's going into ICU… I don't know much more than that."
Blank slate-gray eyes slowly blinked as the boy couldn't seem to actually process the information given to him, the shock eating at his psyche more than his own illness ever could.
'Oh, baby…'
"Lawliet… Lawliet… Lawliet, are you alright?"
All the dark-haired hospital patient could do was blink once again as the question remained unanswered.
What's the use in even asking any of these questions, though?
You aren't going to magically wake up and answer them all with a smile and a hug.
I'm just…
Pathetic, really.
Waiting for a reason to give up…
Letting go of my reason to hold on…
You're paying for my mistakes, Raito.
Why does it feel that way?
All the things you said that day, it's all true. I'm nothing but a coward, looking to dig hole I can't crawl out of. Pushing you into a corner… it's a miracle that you stayed as long as you did.
I did this to you, didn't I?
If you ever wake up, hate me.
I don't deserve anything less.
"Uh…"
The tiny nurse sighed as the boy stared out the window, not even flinching as the door swung shut behind her. Her dark hair swayed as she shook her head, a swell of sympathy for both this child and…
"Lawliet-san?"
Gray eyes devoid of emotion swiveled from the window to the door and met the nurse's surprised gaze, long sable fringe grungy from lack of grooming as bags hung from those soulful eyes which had, at one time, danced in mirth from the sight of one single exasperated brunette.
"Yes?" The word was said so softly, the young woman could have sworn she herself had misheard and the silence was finally getting to her. A good week had gone since the last time any of the nurses, or even the boy's parents, had heard the now silent teenager speak, and they had all grown to miss the usually wistful baritone that would echo off the walls along with the musical tenor that would often respond back.
"It's about, Yagami-san… I was just wondering if… you wanted to come see him in the ICU." The nurse simply replied before smiling at the sudden spark of… something behind the boy's now lightening gray eyes. "I have a wheelchair all ready for you. I was wondering if… maybe…?"
Lawliet felt himself immediately perk up as he sat up within the bed, hands immediately on the railings. The nurse smile became a large grin as she hurried by his side and pulled them down with little trouble, letting the boy steady himself against her shoulder as he quickly attempted to get out off of the lumpy mattress and onto the semi-uncomfortable wheelchair.
"But you have to promise me something, L-san…" For a second, the short-haired slightly stocky nurse looked a bit uncomfortable in his presence, obviously remembering the last time she had been in the room and he had been having his little… fit. "You can't react the same way you did when… well, like before. Or else they may restrict your visiting and say it's not cognitive with either of your healing processes…"
"I will attempt to hold in any volatile reaction the best I can, but I will not make any promises that I know I cannot keep." Lawliet muttered, sounding a bit more like his usual self. The nurse smiled, hesitation still clouding her features even as she wheeled the 18-year-old boy out of the room and descended down the hall towards the looming elevators.
As the small bell signaling the elevator's arrival sounded off in Lawliet's ears, his hands twisted themselves across his lap, pewter-colored eyes squeezing shut as both patient and nurse entered the small compact space.
Preparing himself for both the best and the worst, Lawliet did something he hadn't done in long, long time…
He prayed.
"And time
Is all I ask for-
Time.
I just need one more day…
(Just one more day…)
(Just one more day…)
And time.
You've been crying too long-
Time.
And your tears wrote this song-
Stay.
In the moonlight…
Your face, it glows.
Is it broken?"
-"Broken" by Secondhand Serenade
"Lawliet-san?"
'Who do you rely on when you can't even rely on yourself?' Lawliet thought to himself as the banged up face in front of him cut deeply within his soul. His fingers twitched against the handle of the chair as the monitors he were so used to seeing were for once attached to the person whom had usually played the part of spectator.
His emotions felt like pieces of glass tearing at his insides, shredding what little self control he actually had into tiny pieces.
He wanted to run.
He wanted to stay.
How did Raito deal with all this so calmly?
"Lawliet-san, I believe your mother is here to see you. Would you mind if she… came in with you for a bit?"
"Where are Raito's parents and sister?"
"… … I don't know, Lawliet-san. They left a bit earlier… his sister and mother were a bit hysterical, so I suppose Yagami-san is trying to calm them down right now."
"… I see."
White bandages.
There were everywhere, illuminating the boy's skin so that he looked paler than what he actually was.
Tubes.
Machines beeping.
Bruises.
Cuts…
Lawliet felt his throat constricting as the sharp edges of emotions cut just that much deeper.
"Lawliet-san? Your… mother?"
"Alright."
"Raito-kun looks bored…" Lawliet whispered, the smooth ease of drowsiness languidly pulling him deeper within sleep's embrace.
Raito rubbed one of his eyes with the back of his eyes as he leaned back into the chair and laughed.
"Maybe… But I'll still be here when you wake."
Lawliet smiled, knowing that that much would always be true.
"What are you doing?" Maki whispered as she entered the small room, blinking at the unfamiliar sight in front of her. Instead of Lawliet lying on the bed as Raito grinned up at her, exhaustion dripping from his drought features, her son's devastated form sat slouched within a wheelchair, not taking his eyes from the body resting on the hospital mattress.
"… … Thinking."
"About what?"
Dark gray eyes slowly moved from Raito's bed to Maki's slim form outlined by the bright lights of the hospital's hallways just behind her.
"Everything."
"Why do you do this to yourself?" Lawliet pondered out loud, not noticing the tenseness of Raito's shoulders or the hurt expression on the boy's face as he turned the other way.
"Because I love you. Do you even have to ask?"
Lawliet shrugged as he picked up his book and began reading once again, Raito's hands shaking as they formed fists on the bed.
Neither boy would ever win at this game.
Though, if one were to look at the whole picture a bit more carefully, it was pretty obvious that neither boy would ever really want to win, anyway.
"You can't change the past, Lawliet. What's happened, happened."
"Is that what you used to tell him?" The young boy countered, moving just the slightest bit closer to the bed as his eyes moved away from his mother and turned back to Raito's bed. "To help him not to feel sorry for himself?"
"No." Maki sighed as she opened the door once again, hoping that she could talk the Yagami's into allowing Lawliet just a few more minutes alone with their son. "He fought too hard for you to need me to do the fighting for him."
Not noticing the brightening shine on her son's eyes as she closed the door, Maki hoped that maybe, just maybe, Lawliet would take from this what he needed to.
'After all, if Raito has to suffer through your own idiocy, it's only fair that he get re-compensated for all that heartache, Lawliet. Learn from this, son… learn so he won't have to hurt anymore.'
"I wish we could get out of here and do something normal couples do." Lawliet murmured, not realizing Raito's wide-awake eyes against his collarbone.
Blinking as a hand moved up from his waist and across the gap of space between his hip and arm, Lawliet almost cringed as Raito smiled.
"And here I thought you liked all of our secret hospital getaways." The boy joked as he grabbed Lawliet's hand and snuggled up against him once again.
"Shut up, Raito…"
"You'll wake up… like I did."
But then what?
"You'll wake up, and I'll apologize for everything."
But then what?
"I…"
But then what?
"I don't want to lose you."
Just like he didn't want to lose you?
"That was…"
Isn't this ironic?
Weren't you the one everyone was always crying over?
The one person who stood by you unconditionally simply asked for the truth…
And you hurt them.
You did this.
You should be the one on a bed dying.
So worthless…
Aren't you?
"I am."
Raito's heart monitor continued to beep at a steady rhythm as Lawliet pushed down the bed railing with jittery hands and grabbed the boy's cold appendage. Slouching over even more than usual, Lawliet felt his body cringe in slight discomfort as he laid his head against the uncomfortable mattress, eyes still trained on the young teen lying as stilly as a corpse.
"I am."
"Raito-kun?"
A small child with caramel-brown hair and clear molten amber eyes blinked as he smiled up at his best friend of nearly two years.
"Yes, Lawliet?" He always found it funny how his friend still refused to just call him 'Raito', but he never fell under the same trap. Secretly, he knew Lawliet enjoyed the lack of formality between them. The usually exasperated brunette was pretty sure the only reason Lawliet continued to do so with Raito's own name was because he wanted to, and whatever Lawliet wanted to do, he did with no regrets.
Usually, anyway.
"I have to speak with you about something very important." The look on the slightly taller and much paler child's face was not very familiar to Raito, only resembling the one he was wearing the first day he had met him at the small abandoned playground they now inhabited everyday two year's back.
There was always this sadness mixed in with a… hopelessness that radiated from the older boy's eyes that seemed to cause an impenetrable rift between them.
It was heartbreaking.
"What's the matter, Lawliet?"
"Well… I'm… I'm dying, Raito."
There are so many stories out there, and so many potential endings to each one.
And where one story ends, another always begins.
In first thinking, all I could think about was how we were all born to live and die.
That's it.
But…
There's more to it than just that, right?
You understood that from the beginning, Raito.
You held this understanding that I didn't have…
And you have no idea how much I loved you for it.
How much I still love you for it.
"You're dying?"
Staring at the boy, Raito did something that he was sure Lawliet never would've expected him to do.
He smiled.
"Well, I guess have a lot of time left, then."
"What…"
"C'mon!" Grabbing his friend's hand, Raito whipped around so that he wouldn't notice the sudden sheen overtaking his eyes. "There's so much left to do! So much left to see! What are we standing around here for just wasting our time!"
"Raito, what are you-"
"I'm not letting go yet." The boy whispered, the smile not falling off of his face for even a second, his feet still moving against the soft grass below him, the sound of his friend's own steps stumbling behind him. "So you don't either, ok?"
Lawliet felt his mouth snap shut after that, not sure how to respond.
Raito's own laughter filled the small park, pushing back the older boy's own mood in the back of his mind.
If only he knew just how much Raito was crying on the inside…
But that was yet another story in the making.
"… … Maki-san informed me that you wished to speak with me about something important, Lawliet-san."
Lawliet looked up at the doctor, a small smile perched on his lips. The doctor looked a bit uncomfortable as he looked just beyond his patient and noticed the still comatose body lying behind his own.
Hands still grasping hands.
Eyes still sparkling with tears.
"Yes… I did."
I get it now…
Better late than never, right?
And when you wake, Raito…
One tear trailed down Lawliet's cheek as he stroked the boy's own reddened nose, fingers making their way down the smooth patch of pale-tawny skin. The 18-year-old did not notice the stream of people standing outside the door watching his small, if most precious, declaration with something akin to awe and satisfaction.
"I'll be right here waiting, Raito."