Part Seven
A/N: Thank you guys SO MUCH for your great reviews! I'm going to go through and respond to a bunch this weekend – I promise! I'm so thrilled that I have regular readers! And I took a lot of what y'all said after part 6.5 into consideration for the next few chapters, so… Here we go! (We're so close to the next episode, y'all! Get psyched! I MIGHT be going as Scherbatsky for Halloween!) Oh, and also… I changed some plot stuff. So when I said I had plans for "Part Seven" in my last A/N, I guess I lied because they didn't happen after all.
Robin awoke once more, slowly drifting back to consciousness. She yawned and stretch, calmly opening her eyes to gaze around Barney's bedroom. A rumpled pillow lay empty next to her, which Robin was instantly glad for. She didn't want to have to deal with any morning-after awkwardness. Barney had probably figured that out and done them both a favor by getting out of bed before her. She laughed quietly to herself, pulling herself back under the covers and snuggling deep into the bed. Why is it that she thought the morning-after of a night of snuggling would be more awkward than the morning-after… Of, well… That had been pretty awkward, too, now that she thought about it.
She drifted back in and out of sleep over the next hour, unwilling to leave the bed. Robin lovingly pulled the covers tight around her, groaning in complaint as she made herself sit up. She observed the bedspread. Man, when Barney did something, he went ALL OUT.The bed was gorgeous, and by observing the minute detailing and comfort, she was sure it cost a fortune.
Robin padded across the floor in her bare feet, thankful for Barney's thick carpeting. That's another feature this place had that beat out The Palace. True, that place was gorgeous hardwood, but Robin had always preferred carpet. Remembering suddenly the bill in the bedside drawer, Robin was struck with guilt. Today she needed to find a much cheaper place to stay that she could pay for herself.
She didn't bother checking to see if Barney was elsewhere in the apartment – if he had been, he would have said something by now. Besides, she glanced at the clock, it was in the middle of the afternoon at this point. Ugh, it was going to take a while for her internal clock to figure itself out. So, 4:15 p.m… He must be at work. Although, Robin reasoned, she had no idea what his work schedule was. That was such a mystery…
Making her way to the shower, Robin was pleased to find a fresh towel and bar of soap sitting on the counter. As she washed her hair, she couldn't help but notice how big the shower was – she could only imagine what kind of conquests Barney had entertained in here. Brushing away that unpleasant thought, she wrapped the towel around herself and returned to the bedroom. As she was changing she noticed once more the flowers sitting next to the bed and remembered exactly the events of last night.
Momentarily worried, she paused to talk herself through it. "We're just friends," she told herself. "He doesn't think anything more of me than I do of him, the flowers are just a friendly welcome home. The tickets, the hotel… He's loaded, so that's the equivalent of buying someone a gift certificate for their birthday for him…" She smiled, satisfied with her justifications. She just gets surprised when the men in her life act chivalrous – she gets it from some extent from Marshall, but he's married so it's not the same, and she never gets it from Ted because that's weird. So Barney's the only one in their group who could treat her like a gentleman and she's just not used to it. Robin started to fix her hair in the mirror and paused, briefly, to flick her eyes back to the flowers. She wondered if Barney had ever bought Shannon flowers like this…
Stopping that train of thought before it made her uncomfortable, Robin gathered her things, made the bed, and prepared to search the city for a cheap hotel room… And some food. God, she was hungry. As she was walking out the door, she halted in her tracks at the sight of box of bagels from her favorite deli sitting on the counter.
"Really, Barney?" She asked out loud. She read the note scrawled next to the bagels, "stay as long as you need – I'll cancel Plaza reservations." Robin smiled, spreading cream cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel. They were friends, that's all. She ate the on his porch, looking over the city. And if there was a little bit more than friendship behind his intentions, well then… She was ok with that.
******
She spent the afternoon locating copies of "help wanted" ads, printing out her resume, and racking up her credit card debt in a way a reasonable, grown woman who knows better should not do. "Lily must be rubbing off on me," she reflected as she passed the plastic card over the counter to yet another cashier. She justified her splurge as therapy shopping - she had a lot to think about, and not a lot of clothes back in the U.S. to think about those things in. Her last purchase of the day was a red nightie. She didn't think too hard about it as she signed the receipt. She needed new pajamas, is all. She didn't want to have to keep borrowing Barney's old t-shirts, and she lost her nightie the first time she tried to do the laundry in Tokyo.
Greg let her back into Barney's apartment when she returned – apparently "Mr. Stinson" had requested that Greg give Robin a copy of his key. In the fading sunlight of Barney's bedroom, Robin was putting on a fashion show for herself with all the clothes she bought that day when she got a phone call – BARNEY, the caller ID read.
"Hey!" She said, happy to hear from him. "Scherbatsky, suit up!" The familiar voice on the other end of the line commanded. She laughed. She had missed this spontaneous fun when she was in Tokyo. "For what? Another round of laser tag? You need a wingman tonight?" "Negative! I need you at my office within the next hour," he announced. "And… In a suit," he clarified.
Robin laughed again, "Why?" Barney cut her off, "You'll find out. See you soon!" And then the line went dead. Robin looked at the phone, puzzled. She should at least do what he said, she figured, since he had been so generous to her the past few days. She quickly changed into a new suit she had bought that day. It was perfect for job interviews: professional black with white pinstripes, with a feminine cut to accent her curves. She contemplated her two options of tops underneath the jacket: either a professional blouse or a deep red corset that showed just a hint of cleavage. She didn't contemplate the first option for very long.
Once she arrived at Ultracel, Robin went through 20 minutes worth of security measures in order to visit Barney's office. The fact that she didn't know why she was there complicated matters severely, but she eventually made her way to his office.
"Ok, now WHAT is this all about?" Robin asked, walking into Barney's office. "And WHY do you have, oh my gosh, you must be waaay motivated!" Robin walked quickly towards the wall behind his desk. "Awesomeness!" She read aloud. "High-five!" She turned to high-five Barney who had been furiously typing at his computer when she walked in. He smiled and stood, giving her a high-five. "Nice suit," he said appreciatively, giving her a once-over. "Thanks!" She said, gleefully spinning around to show it off. "It's new."
Barney glanced back at his computer, clicked "Post" on his blog, and closed his laptop. "Perfect. Now, let's go!" He pulled his suit jacket on and straightened his tie. "Where?" Robin asked. "Laser tag? The bar? The cigar club?" Barney rolled his eyes, "Please," and grabbed her arm, dragging her down the long hall beside office. Robin put up little protest, curiosity overtaking her annoyance at being so roughly handled. They stopped at a door labeled "Conference Room," and Barney turned to face Robin.
The woman inhaled sharply, surprised both by the rapid stop and Barney's close proximity. She was pressed against the wall, and he was leaning in towards her. Just another few inches and… "Scherbatsky! Snap out of it! If I were you, I'd wanna do me too right now, but we have to think about other things!" He flicked his two fingers at his eyes, then hers, then back to his again. "Wha? I wasn't-" she started to protest, but he didn't give her the time. "Now, here's the deal, Robin," he said, lowering his voice slightly. "You need a job, right?" She nodded, wondering what was coming next. "Well, it just so happens we have a job available. A PR job – the representative of the company to the media." Robin's eyes widened, but she kept her mouth shut. "This job entails handling press requests, responding to public inquiries, and basically telling the public whatever they want to hear to keep the press off our back." Robin nodded, slowly. "And this job keeps jobs like mine safe," he continued. She opened her mouth to ask what that job was exactly, but he put his finger to her lips. "All you need to know is that it's a very important job, Robin," he stressed every word, making his intention clear. "It's not the kind of job the 'public' needs to know the details of," he said. "Which makes this job, the one you're about to interview for," she raised her eyebrows, "even more important, ok?" He grabbed her wrist and pushed her toward the door. "Now get in there!"
Robin pulled back, staring at Barney. "What?" She hissed, now aware of the situation. "What the hell have you gotten me involved in, Barney? I am in NO way qualified to do this job!" Barney rolled his eyes, "Oh, c'mon Robin. It's perfect." Her eyes got wider, "No it's not!" She whisper-shouted at him, panic in her voice. "I know NOTHING about this company. Have you even thought about this? At all?" Barney crossed his arms over his chest. "Ok, now, give me more credit than that. Of course I've thought this through." He started ticking off items on his fingers. "One: You have years of public speaking experience, and you're used to delivering news. Two: The fact that you know nothing makes you perfect for this job – no one can sue you for lying if you don't know what you're talking about. Three: We have offices all around the world, you would travel all the time yet still live in Manhattan. Four: You'd be making obscene amounts of money, and we both know you're nothing like Marshall and have no problem taking a job just for the money. And Five:" he paused his whirlwind speech, stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. "I told the guys sitting in there," he nodded his head towards the conference room, "That you'd be great. And I wasn't lying."
Robin took it all in, furrowed her brow for a moment as she contemplated everything he said, straightened, and said, "You know, that actually makes sense." He nodded, "I know. I'm never wrong." Robin ran a finger through her hair and fixed her collar. "All right, here's hoping I say the right things in there!" She said, putting one hand on the doorknob and crossing the fingers on her other hands. Barney gave her another once-over. "Baby, trust me, lookin' like that? You won't have to say a word. The job's yours." Robin winked at him, "Wish me luck!" and opened the door. "Make it Sparkle, Scherbatsky," he called quietly after her as the door swung shut.
******
"I'm just going to keep the beard this time, I think," Ted was saying to Barney, Lily, and Marshall when Robin slid in at the booth across from him at MacLaren's, avoiding his gaze. "That way, I'm prepared for the next break-up that will inevitably happen." Marshall nodded as an idea started to form in his head, "You know, I think you're doing this all wrong. Instead of growing a beard between the end of a relationship and the beginning of a new one, you should just alternate clean-shaven and beard for each relationship." Ted and Barney looked at him in confusion while Lily and Robin went to the bar to get drinks. "Like a superstition thing!" Marshall tried to explain. "If a baseball player wears his socks on the outside of his pants and then they hit a winning streak, he'll keep them on the outside until the team starts to lose. Then he'll wear them on the inside... Make sense?" The other men looked at him and just shook their heads. "So…" Ted said, changing the subject, "How's the new apartment?" Lily and Robin slid back into the booths, distributing drinks. Lily cast a hesitant look towards Robin. Catching the look, Robin protested, "Listen! You do NOT have to feel guilty every time you talk about the apartment! It used to be mine, but I sold it. I moved." Lily still looked dubious. "I've moved on, Lily. Seriously. It's yours now. So, talk!" Lily smiled, relieved. "Are you sure?" Robin nodded.
At that, Lily and Marshall launched into a frenzy of excitement, discussing in detail all the great features of their new apartment and how they'd decorated it, and what kind of furniture they had bought. "And we're going to have a house-warming party next week!" Lily concluded. She and Marshall smiled at one another in happiness. "So, Robin, have you found a place yet?" Robin cleared her throat, buying some time, "Uh, no… I uh…" "She's crashing with me," Barney announced, taking a sip of his scotch. "What?" Asked the entire table in unison, including a very confused Robin. "Yeah, she's staying with me until she gets her own place, in my suit room," he explained, "playing the part of my wife." Lily's eyes grew huge, "To get rid of my one-night stands," Barney quickly explained. "Same exact situation as you, Lil," he said. Ted and Marshall seemed to buy this and went back to their drinks, but Lily pressed on, "But what about her hotel stay?" "I-" Robin opened her mouth to say she was renting a place, but Barney cut her off again. "Please. Do you really think I'm going to pay for her hotel for a month?" He turned his attention on Robin. "Sorry, Scherbatsky, but since you're apparently back for good, I can't pay for you to stay somewhere until you find your own place." Robin closed her mouth and nodded. "Which is why we came up with this arrangement, right?" "…Right!" Robin said through a forced smile, looking at Lily. "It'll be just like when you lived with him – I've been wanting to brush up on my acting skills, anyway!"
Barney nodded with a smile and leaned back into his seat, sipping contentedly out of his glass. Things were all going according to his pla – "Actually, my stay may be much shorter than you, we, expected, Barney," Robin continued, smiling wickedly. "I got a job! So now I can afford my own place!" Barney sat up again, squinting at her. "Well played, Scherbatsky," he thought. Her announcement was greeted with excitement from the rest of the table. She shushed them all by waving her hands, "Well, it's actually…." She leaned in conspiratorially, "At Barney's company."
The group leaned in with her and took a collective surprised gasp. "As the PR representative," she continued. A second gasp. Barney continued leaning back in his seat and rolled his eyes. "And…" Robin held the suspense as long as she could, "I'm specifically the spokesperson for Barney's branch of the company." "What?!" cried Barney, leaning in quickly. "You're what?!? That's not the job you interviewed for – you, you interviewed for PR rep for the-," he was cut off when Robin raised her index finger with a "shh…" and remained facing the three still circled around her. "And…" She held it for one moment more… "I know what Barney's job is." She concluded, smiling.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Barney wailed, standing and running out of the bar. The other three were jumping over one another with questions. "What is it? What does he do? Is it illegal? Is it porn? I've always thought it was probably porn? Should he be in jail? How much does he make? Is he gonna kill you know?" Laughing, Robin sat back in her seat, proud of a job well done. "Guys, guys!" She shouted, waving her hands over the fury. "I was kidding – well, halfway," she said when she saw the disappointed looks on their faces. "I do have a job at Barney's job, and I will be directly involved with his branch of the company," she explained. "And I even know that his title has the word 'Executive' in it – the guys in the interview kept calling him 'Executive Stinson,' which I thought was a little weird… But I don't know really anything more than that. I don't know any details," she finished. "But I probably will figure it out, soon enough, right? And wasn't it totally worth it to see his reaction?" The group agreed and went back to their drinks.
******
"Hey, Robin?" Ted grabbed Robin's arm as the group left the bar and to make their way home. She turned to look at Ted. "Listen, I was thinking… Um, I wanted to apologize for last night. I was a little drunk," he stammered when he saw her expression, "Ok, a lotta drunk, and I said some things I shouldn't have… I think. I can't remember all of it." His honesty made Robin smile. "It's ok," she said, patting his shoulder, "I understand. It was a bad breakup."
Anxious to free herself of this awkward situation, Robin smiled and turned to leave the bar. "No," Ted said, grabbing her hand and leading her back to the table. As they sat, Barney re-entered the bar, looking around. He starting walking towards the table when he saw Ted was still holding Robin's hand – hands, actually – on top of the table. Barney quickly shifted gears and headed toward the bar instead. "Robin, the thing is, I've been thinking." Robin was silent, waiting. "I think I still love you." Robin's face drew a blank. Barney couldn't hear what was being said, but he could see Robin's face at least. He strategically sat at a barstool next to a large man, making it hard for either Ted or Robin to see him. "You… you what?" Robin stammered, regaining her use of words. "But – you were engaged! Engaged!" She pulled her hands away from Ted's and started to tap the table nervously, "And we're DONE, Ted, remember? We were horrible together!"
Ted shook his head and gathered her hands in his again, "No, Robin, we were great together, remember?" Robin looked doubtful. "We just ended it because we knew we were going separate ways. But we're not now, you see?" Robin sighed and stood up, "Ted, please don't make this more painful than it already is. We're over. It's just… Not something that would ever work out. That's what I was trying to tell you last night." Ted stood and looked confused, "I said this last night?" Robin nodded. "Oh," he said simply, then pulled Robin in for a kiss. Barney froze, watching the events playing out in front of him. For a moment Robin remained frozen as well, surprised at Ted's forwardness. But she soon gave into the kiss, leaning into him and wrapping her hands around his neck.
Barney squeezed his eyes shut in pain. He had thought that whole thing was over with. "Wendy? Tequila please," he said, ordering the drink that got him the drunk the fastest. As Wendy nodded and started slicing a lime into wedges, Barney turned his attention back to Ted and Robin, only to see them leaving, holding hands, with Robin in the lead. Dammit.
******
Half an hour and several shots of tequila later, Wendy placed a drink in front of Barney. He looked up, confused. "Wendy? I didn't order any champ-" but stopped when he saw Robin sitting across the bar from him, raising a toast. "Scherbatsky?" Barney smiled in spite of himself and unsteadily got to his feet. "What's the champagne for?" Robin smiled as he carefully landed on the stool next to her. "My new job, of course!" His face darkened, "Oh." He sighed and stood back up – "Hold on, I'd prefer the tequila right now, if that's ok." Robin laughed and pulled him back, "Oh, c'mon, I was just kidding. I don't actually know what your job is. Your secret's safe." Barney sat up a little straighter, "Well, good." He caught himself. "It's just that, it's so awesome that I don't think that you guys would be able to handle it." Robin smiled, "Yeah, I'm sure that's it." They clinked champagne glasses. "Man, with this plus the tequila, I might be a little over-awesome tonight," Barney said. "Yeah, I noticed that…. But, I couldn't help but notice that you weren't drinking the tequila earlier tonight when you watching Ted and me kiss," Robin commented casually, throwing a handful of pretzels into her mouth.
Barney started sneezing and coughing, having accidentally inhaled some champagne in shock. "Yeah, I saw you," said Robin, ignoring his hysterics. "But nothing happened. He's such a romantic at heart, you know, I hated to be so mean with all those people watching… So I just took him outside to let him down easy, you know? Let him know that it's just never gonna happen again. So don't worry about it." She thought she caught a hint of relief on Barney's face before he scoffed, "Why would I be worried?" She looked at him silently, meaningfully, for a moment to let him catch his mistake. "Well, I just thought you would be happy that Ted was still single – that way, you can still be his wingman." She improvised. "Oh… Right, yeah. I'm glad…" Barney said quietly, staring at Robin. They both remained still for a moment, gazing at one another, thinking the same thing. "Well, it's a good thing you escaped that death trap again!" Barney broke the mood first, raising his champagne glass, which Wendy had refilled. "To the single life!" "To having a job!" Robin agreed, clinking her glass against his. "And one that pays an obscene amount of money," she added after she had taken a sip. "I mean, Barney… WOW. It's huge." Barney laughed, a gleam in his eye, "Oh, if I had a nickel every time I heard that…" Robin merely smirked and raised her eyebrow flirtatiously. Together, they finished the champagne. And the tequila. And as the last few drops of alcohol trickled down her throat, Robin placed the glass on the bar and smiled. "Home?" She asked, standing. "Home," Barney agreed, taking her hand and leading her out of the bar.
Part Eight
"Ultracell understands that these are difficult financial times, and our hearts go out to the families of those being affected by the widespread lay-offs occurring across the country." Robin tucked a flyaway strand of brown hair behind her ear as she stood at the podium in the company's press room, camera's flashing. "Which is why I am pleased to announce our new acquisition." She paused, looking up, giving the crowd her biggest, toothiest, reporter's smile. "Ultracell has recently acquired the number one children's toy manufacturer in the country, and with that acquisition comes a record number of open jobs for our fellow New Yorkers." She raised her hand at the room of hands that shot up and continued smiling. "I'm sorry, unfortunately I don't have time for questions right now, but we will be releasing an official press release later this hour. And as always, we're just glad we can help out the community. Remember: Ultracell is a Company That Cares." She said the slogan through a gritted smile, waved politely to the crowd, and quickly made her way off the stage, down the hall, and into her office.
Where her phone was already ringing with reporters' questions and her inbox was flooded with media requests. Sighing and exhausted, Robin collapsed into her desk seat and pulled out her vibrating Blackberry, seeing that she had 52 new messages. "Seriously?" She groaned, leaning back. One week she'd been on this job. ONE WEEK, and already her life was revolving around this office, reporters' questions, smiling while she lied through her teeth, and in general stressing out.
She rolled her head slowly from side to side, trying to relax her shoulders. She closed her eyes and was finally allowing herself to calm down, just for a moment… SLAM! "Scherbatsky! Busy?" Barney rushed into her office, a windowless box of a room in the middle of the same floor he worked on. Robin didn't even flinch, but remained reclined with her eyes closed. "Yup."
"Well, quit whatever you're doing," Barney quickly strode to her desk and grabbed her wrist, pulling her up, and dragged her to the door. "This is far, FAR more important." Robin sighed, and allowed herself to be dragged along only because she wanted to escape that damn phone that was still ringing. "What is it this time? New motivational poster? A life-sized Chewbacca? You need help untying your latest conquest from your desk?"
Barney laughed, amused and dismissive. "None of the above. But all equally awesome," they were now in his office and he was quickly walking back to his desk. "But NONE," he said, pausing for emphasis and making sure she was paying attention. Robin slumped into one of the plush chairs in front of his desk, crossing her arms and waiting patiently. "Are even a tenth as awesome as this." Robin raised her eyebrows, skeptical. "Uh-huh," she waited. "No, that's not enough buildup." Barney stood, looking heavenwards. "Robin Scherbatsky," he commanded. "Imagine if we had discovered Marshall's nude painting on the same day Lily discovered my Shannon videotape… And on the SAME day that Ted got that tramp stamp!" Robin sat a little straighter, paying attention. "This better be good, Barney," she said.
"Oh, it IS. He assured her, flipping his computer screen around to face the seated woman. Robin sharply inhaled – "What. The. HELL. Is this Barney?" Robin was currently facing a computer screen filled with dancing, shimmering 80's logos and cheesy music, with a giant "The Top Ten Forgotten Child Stars of the 1990's." Robin Sparkles was listed as number one.
Barney shrugged, unable to contain his glee. "Oh, you know, nothing." He said, trying to be casual. "I may have a subscription to = Canadian People, the number one celebrity magazine for our northern neighbors." Robin grabbed the mouse from the other side of Barney's desk, scrolling down the screen. "Rachel LaRoche? Jeremy Fink? Those jerks were WAAAYYY less…" She trailed off, spotting the fourth most-forgotten child stars of the 1990's. "Simon?" She quickly looked up at Barney, smiling broadly. "I beat Simon?!" Barney nodded, "YEAH ya did!" They high-fived as Robin jumped up and down, now completely awake. "I! BEAT! SIMON!" She said, breaking out a mini-"Let's Go To The Mall" dance in celebration.
Barney watched, amused. "Yeah, well, you beat Simon a LONG time ago, babe," he said. Robin smiled at his horrible Canadian "babe." She gave him a knowing look. "Yeah, I guess so. I just hadn't realized it until… Well, you helped me out." He wrinkled his nose and gave a self-satisfied nod, "Yeah, I did." She hit him lightly on the arm. "Shut up."
The phone on Barney's desk startled Robin, reminding her of where she was. She sighed. "Ahh… Dammit. Well, thanks so much for the break, Barney. It was awesome, as per uz, but I have to go back to work now." She turned and walked to the door and he returned to his seat. "Fine, if you must… See you at MacLaren's?" She nodded, swinging the door behind her. "Same as last night…" She winked at him.
Barney smiled. Last night. Well, that had been the same as the night before. And the night before. And… Well, every night since that night he and Robin had had that bottle of champagne together at the bar. They would have a drink at the bar, go home, and go to bed in their separate rooms with the intent to stay there. And then, inevitably, one of them would slip into bed with the other one…. And then neither of them would get any sleep.
It was fun, he reflected as he checked read the Robin Sparkles woefully-inaccurate "bio", to be keeping such a big secret from their friends. Perhaps that's what added to the excitement. Seeing Robin at work everyday, and acting normal all the time, and basically just being their normal Barney / Robin friendship selves during the day added to the excitement that came at night when they were together back home. And they could do and say the things they'd been thinking about all day.
Barney straightened and ran his hand through his hair, composing himself. If he thought about that anymore at work, he'd never be able to last till the night without doing something about it. As he pulled out his phone to check his voicemails, it lit up, signaling he had a new text message from SPARKLES. Instantly forgetting his resolve to remain business-minded, Barney smiled eagerly and tapped 'READ'. "so… i kno i was joking but sex on desk sounded good to me. free tomorrow afternoon?" Barney's mouth fell open. He re-read the text. Then closed it, set the phone down, paced around his office for a few minutes, sat down, and read it again. It was not a mistake.
He buzzed his secretary into the office. "Yes, Mr. Stinson?" She entered, carrying a legal pad. "Could you please cancel all my appointments for the next two days?" He requested, eyes on the computer. "I have a very important report I'll be working on, and I can't be interrupted." She nodded, "Yes, sir." Turning to leave, she lingered at the door. "And how is your girlfriend enjoying her new job? She really is a lovely woman."
Barney's fingers froze on the keyboard and his stomach suddenly tightened. He started to panic, his voice unnaturally high. "My who?" He asked, eyes wide. "Ms. Scherbatsky," the secretary repeated, then, catching Barney's sudden panicked expression, she corrected herself. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I just thought…"
"Never mind," he said dismissively. Best just ignore the whole thing. "Just cancel the appointments." With that, she nodded and quickly left the office.
Barney remained frozen, staring blankly across the office. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. Was Robin his…? "NO!" He said loudly, reassuring himself. No, no she was not. She was staying with him, yes, but just until she found a place. They hung out together at work because they were friends and she got along surprisingly well with the A-1 Steak Sauce guys. They slept together ever night… He shook his head. He slept with tons of women, and she had slept with her share of men. They both enjoyed sex, that was all there was to it. "That's it," he said to himself. The fact that he thought about her all the time, or bought her flowers, or had found her a job… Or had the guy fired who had hit on her the morning of her first day. That had nothing to do with anything. She was just a friend. A friend who was good in bed.
Barney pulled out his phone and thumbed out a quick reply. "HOTT. You know I'm free whenever, baby."
******
That night, as the group was clustered around their booth at MacLaren's, Barney had a hard time following the conversation. He was just very aware of Robin's affect on him. He had noticed it before, but they hadn't been secretly together like this before. But they weren't together. But they were. But they weren't…. Barney wanted to scream. Instead he walked to the bar, "Next round's on me you guys," he said, looking for an escape. Moments later Robin walked up behind him. "Hey, you ok? You're acting weird tonight. You've barely said two words to me."
Barney stiffened and turned around to face her. "Listen, Robin," he said as casually as possible, trying to lean against the bar and regain his awesomeness. "I want to make something abundantly clear… You are NOT my girlfriend." She looked at him, expressionless, as she processed his sentence. After a few seconds she slowly said, "Oookaaayyy…" "You are not my girlfriend," he continued, now in lecture mode. "Because Barney Stinson does not do 'girlfriend.'" He made air-quotes around the word. "Barney Stinson does not do 'monogamous.'" Robin crossed her arms at her chest and looked at him critically, "Barney, I never asked you to." Barney knew she had a point, but he was too far in now. "Barney Stinson is a man of one-night stands." He concluded, straightening his tie and winking at a blonde across the bar to make his point.
Robin watched him, half amused, half angry. She had been waiting for a reaction like this. "Wow." He looked at her now, flirtatious. "I know," he said, crinkling his nose and nodding. "It's the suit. It's new." Robin put her hands on her hips, fed up. "No, Barney, I mean wow, I figured you out." Barney looked at her, acting casually interested. "Figured what out?" He pulled out his wallet and riffled through the contents as she continued. "The reason you, the great 'Barney Stinson'" she air-quoted, "are a man of one-night stands has nothing to do with the bimbos you take home. It's because you can't handle anything more than one night with a woman. You can't handle anything more than sex." Barney looked at her, startled at her honesty. He turned to Carl to pay for their drinks and pulled out a coupon from his wallet. "Whatever you say, baby," he said, knowing he was going too far but stupidly barreling on. He slid the homemade sexual favor coupon he had pulled out of his wallet across the bar in front of Robin. "So, this is for tonight," he said casually giving her a wink.
Robin grabbed the beers off the bar and stared at him, furious. "No, Barney," she said in a low voice that suddenly scared him. He straightened. "I refuse to be anyone's one-night stand. But I guess I'm just, what… A four-night stand to you? I'm better than that. I'm not just another bimbo and you know it." He clenched his teeth, wanting to punch himself and cry at the same time. He never should have started this. She nodded towards the crumpled coupon still sitting on the bar. "Go use that on the blonde near the jukebox. She looks like someone you could easily forget."
With that, Robin thrust her shoulders back, raised her chin, and walked back to the table, shaking off the whole conversation. "So…" She said, directing her attention on Marshall and Lily and picking up the conversation she had just left, "You guys are sure about this? You really want to have a baby?" The couple smiled and nodded as Barney watched on from the bar.
He sighed and crumpled the coupon in his fist. Why did he have to be like this? For the second time in his life, he was ashamed of himself. And both times had involved Robin, he reflected, downing his scotch and sticking the crumpled paper in his pocket. He looked up. The blonde was waving her fingers at him. Picking up his glass, he swaggered across the room.
******
The next day Robin woke up alone. She had locked the bedroom door when she had gotten back, unwilling to face Barney again that night. As she got ready for work, he wasn't in the apartment. She didn't know if he had come home at all that night, and she didn't want to think about that. Because she didn't care, she said to herself as she grabbed her keys and walked out of the apartment.
Greg smiled at her as she walked out, "Good morning, Ms. Scherbatsky!" He greeted cheerily, giving her a wave as she left the building. She smiled in return, happy for the greeting. It's odd, how after waking up next to someone for just a few days in a row you can find yourself lonely in the morning. "Morning, Greg. Have a great day." She turned to the sidewalk and put on her sunglasses, reflecting on her housing situation. As awkward as last night had been, and as furious as she had been at Barney, she shouldn't be that surprised.
Both she and Barney were anti-relationship people. They were similar in that respect. She thought back to the night Barney had come over to play Battleship, years ago. He had said they were similar in many respects; it had just taken Robin a while to realize it. Robin ordered a drink at Jamba Juice and rationalized her emotions as she waited for breakfast. Yes, she liked Barney's company. Yes, she had missed him this morning… And last night. And yes, while she was mad at him for not treating her kinder last night… He had been so kind over the past few weeks – and that was before anything had even happened. Hell, she thought, grabbing a straw and making it back out on the street; he had been the one to make the first move when he stripped down in her apartment for hardcore Battleship. He had been the one who had called Ted up to ask permission to make a move on her. He had been the one to bare the weight of Ted's punishment after they slept together.
Robin stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk. Barney liked her. That was the only explanation. She was more than just a one-night stand to him, and that terrified him. Which is why he had lashed out last night. She leaned against a nearby storefront and sipped her cold beverage in an attempt to lower her suddenly increasing heart rate. But did she like him? What other reason was there for being so upset last night after he, essentially, dumped her? Hadn't she made the first move on him the other night? He had been a perfect gentleman during her visit until she started things. (Well, as close to a perfect gentleman as Barney could be.) And, she had really made the first move when she left him those coupons…. Robin rolled her eyes. Wow. WHAT had she been thinking?
Finally at the office, Robin swiped her card in the lobby and made her way to the elevators. She had been too hard on Barney. Clearly, they both liked each other and just didn't know how to handle it. Robin couldn't expect Barney to just instantly be mature enough to handle a relationship. Robin unlocked her office and turned on the light. She didn't want a relationship, though. So… Where did that leave them? Robin turned on her computer and finished the Jamba Juice. She didn't know. They would have to figure it out. And, she reflected, figure out if they wanted anything. Period.
In the meantime… Robin smiled, checking her calendar. She had cancelled her meetings this afternoon for a reason, why not keep her… appointment with Barney this afternoon after all? They'd figure out the rest later. That's Future Robin and Future Barney's problem. She'd let those guys figure it out.
******
Barney woke up on an unfamiliar couch that morning. Rubbing his eyes and sitting up, he – "OW!!" Barney complained LOUDLY. His head was killing him. "Here, drink this." Carl walked into the room and handed Barney a glass filled with a murky concoction. "Wha?" Barney asked groggily, putting a hand to his head and leaning over. He was still dressed in his suit from yesterday, and could clearly smell the smoke and beer covering his shirt. He took the glass from Carlos, and without question, downed the whole thing.
He took a deep breath, stood, and shook out his sleeves and straightened his tie. He was Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson did not do hangovers. Whenever he felt hungover, he stopped being hungover, and was awesome instead. True story. "What exactly happened, Carl? And WHAT did I just drink?" Carl smiled, taking the glass back and heading to the kitchen. "A hangover miracle-worker that will have you back to normal in under an hour," he said, washing the glass out in the sink, "that I will of course not explain to you how to make because it's special formula… And, you'd probably kill me if you knew." Barney looked at the man warily. "And the events of last night?"
Carl laughed, "Well, you and Robin had some fight and then you spent the rest of the night hitting on women." Barney, suddenly remembering the fight, paled. But this was Carl, so he had to maintain his air of awesome. "Yeah, I did! How'd that work out for me?" Carl placed the glass back in the cabinet and turned to look at Barney. "Well, not good. You made out with a couple pretty hot girls, and then you spent the rest of the night doing shots at the bar with some brunette…" Barney raised his eyebrow. He didn't remember that. "And talking about falling in love." Barney stuck his hands in his pockets in an attempt to look casual. He definitely didn't remember that. "And I think you freaked her out, because she left and you just kept drinking alone until last call."
Barney crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat. "And you brought me home?" Carl nodded, "Yeah. I couldn't reach the rest of your friends on the phone, so I just let you crash here. Figured it'd be easier to take you up one block to my place than put you in a cab to go back to your home." Barney nodded. "Well, thanks bro. I appreciate it." He grabbed his wrinkled jacket off the table in front of him and quickly walked to the door. "Your kindness – " he paused, his eyes narrowing, "and discretion will not be forgotten." Carl nodded, "Got it, man. Feel better."
But Barney was already out the door, jacket slung over his shoulder. He hailed a cab back to his apartment. On the way there, he reviewed the events of last night... At least, those that he could remember. He had gone to MacLaren's… and started that fight with Robin. What did he do that for? Things were going perfectly. Perfect. And he went and ruined it because his assistant had called Robin his girlfriend. "Stupid! Stupid!" Barney banged his head against the headrest of the seat in front of him. The cabbie glanced back at him, puzzled, but continued driving. He'd seen much stranger things.
Greg greeted him at the door with a confused expression that saddened Barney. The doorman was used to see Barney come home in the morning… Very, very used to seeing that, actually. But lately he'd been used to seeing him come home at night with Robin. "Mornin', Mr. Stinson," he said, opening the door. "You just missed Ms. Scherbatsky." Barney nodded, expressionless, agreeing with Greg's words more than the doorman would ever know, and got into the nearest elevator, resisting the urge to spew a list of questions at Greg. Was she alone? How did she look? What time did she come back last night? Barney sighed and collapsed on his couch once he was finally back in his apartment. His head still hurt, but Carl was right – that concoction had been miraculous.
Barney squeezed his eyes shut, trying his hardest to wish away the past 24 hours. Alas, he could not. He sat up, gingerly – he was still nursing the headache a bit – and glanced at his watch. 9:15 a.m. "Time to go to work," he said to himself, forcing himself into the shower. He picked a black suit, black shirt, and black tie. He felt like he was in mourning.
By the time he got to the office it was nearly 10, and his disposition had changed little. He had really screwed things up, he realized, when he entered his office to see… Just his office. No post-it note saying "good morning!", no "Is it Friday yet?" e-card in his inbox, no lingering scent of her perfume in the air. Slumping into his chair, Barney gritted his teeth and leaned back. He had almost had her. He had been so close… He was an idiot.
******
"To my knowledge, the company has had no involvement in that situation, Tom," Robin said over the phone to the reporter who had been badgering her with questions for over an hour. She glanced at her watch. She was fed up with this, and she had gone all day without any contact from Barney. She was fed up with that, too. "And I'm so sorry, Tom, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to go now – I have another appointment," she lied. "But, Ms. Scher-" Robin hung up. She had to talk to Barney, now. And the only way she could get him to talk to her, talk to her in a way that she knew he meant instead of just putting up his "awesome" routine, was to get him vulnerable. And the quickest way to get him vulnerable was to get him turned on. She applied a layer of lipstick and made a few minor adjustments to her clothes that quickly changed her appearance from business casual to business sexy, and set off down the hall.
******
Barney heard a knock on his door. "C'min!" He called, tired, keeping his eyes fixed on his computer. He was about to break his own record – spending $2,500 on Sky Mall products in one morning. "Paging Mr. Stinson," a flirtatious voice called from across the room. Barney looked up, surprised, and saw a tall brunette in attire that could only be called "business sexy" strutting her way to his desk. "Uh…" Barney stammered, standing, "Can I help you?" The brunette smiled, "You sure can. I'm here for that appointment we made last night," she said, winking, and sitting on the edge of his desk. Barney's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, and you are?" The woman leaned forward and whispered in his ear and suddenly it all came back to him – the women from the bar, the drinking alone, the spending hours drunkenly talking to Lauren – this girl – about love. And they had ended the night with her trying to lure him home with her, but Barney declined. So she had said she would drop by the office the next day… Barney cleared his throat, "Uh, Lauren, I'm sorry. But I am trying to keep my schedule open today… Aannndd… So I must cancel our appointment." Lauren stood up and pouted, "Who are you keeping your schedule open for, Barney?" She asked pointedly, casually walking around his office and drawing the blinds so no one could see in. "Um, no one important," he lied. "I just… Would like to remain available." In case Robin decides to ever speak to me again, he thought to himself. Satisfied that they had privacy, Lauren once again approached his desk. "Is it that Robin chick you kept blathering about last night?" Barney froze as she reached forward and started to loosen his tie. "I thought we had decided that it was time for you to move on…" She leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Starting with me." Barney remained motionless for a moment, watching her push papers and desk supplies off his desk, and hop on. "Lauren, I just really don't – " She cut him off. "Honey," she started as she slowly took off her jacket. "She's not going to forgive you. Just face it." Barney glanced at the picture frame that had once been on his desk and was now lying on the floor – him, Marshall and Lily, Ted, and Robin. This girl, as much of a bimbo as she was, was right. Robin wasn't going to forgive him. Hell, he wouldn't forgive him. Robin would realize what a huge mistake the past week had been and just move on with her life. As should he. Barney smiled at the girl sprawled on his desk and shrugged off his jacket. "Alright… Let's do this…"
******
Robin knocked on Barney's office door and waited nervously, adjusting her skirt. It was odd that he hadn't immediately called her in – had he even come in today? Robin strengthened her resolve and knocked again, this time louder. Still nothing. Well, she had worked up the courage to make it this far, she at least should see if he was in his office – Robin opened the door and leaned in, calling "Barney?" And… Oh, he was there alright. He was definitely, definitely there. "Oh my God!" Robin shouted, squeezing her eyes shut and whirling around, rushing out of the office. "Wha – dammit, Robin!" She heard him shout after her, but she was already down the hall, in her office, with the door locked shut. Robin collapsed in her chair, angry and upset at the same time. She couldn't believe that Barney was doing – well, exactly what she had been planning on doing with him – with another woman. Robin let herself freak out for a few minutes, then closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried her hardest to wipe the image out of her mind. She stood, readjusted her clothes, and fixed her hair. Well, this is what she should have expected. Barney was just Barney. There was no deeper, vulnerable, caring man like she had thought – it was just an act he put on when they woke up together designed to keep her coming back for more. It was Barney, the womanizer, the same man she'd always known. And she was Robin, the determined, career-driven woman who had just needed someone to comfort her after her whirlwind international career change. Robin returned to her laptop and began replying to e-mails. She was going to be excellent at this job, hang out with Barney as friends, and she would move on. She had moved to Tokyo without a thought, she could easily move on from this mistake. Robin sighed, letting herself relapse for just a moment as she remembered how sweet he had been to get her this job, and how tenderly he had held her when they hit the snooze button in the morning. But that was over, she told herself, shaking it off. She had just imagined it. She picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number – "Hey, Lily? Listen, I was hoping I could crash at your place for a little while…"
******
Barney watched Robin run out of his office and called after her. But she was gone. He turned to look back at Lauren, who was looking more turned-on than embarrassed by being walked-in on. "So that's Robin, is it?" She asked flirtatiously, biting her bottom lip. "You didn't tell me she looked like me," she said, running her fingers through Barney's hair. Barney pushed her hand away, standing up and pulling his pants back on. "You closed all the blinds but forgot to lock the door?!?" He shouted incredulously at the girl still sprawled on his desk. He pointed at the door – "Get out." He said, turning away from her to gaze through the window as he finished getting dressed. He could hear her sigh as she started to collect her things. "Fine," she complained and walked over to the door. "And don't come back," he said in lieu of a goodbye.
As soon as he heard the door close behind her, Barney leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the glass, and squeezed his eyes shut with a pained expression. "Good job, Stinson," he whispered to himself. Robin deserved better anyway.
Part Nine
"Thanks, Carl," Barney said to the bartender, giving him a nod and sticking a noticeable tip in the jar. He had been tipping the man pretty well in the past week since his less-than-awesome night a week ago. Carl smiled and nodded silently, thinking to himself that if it paid this well, he wouldn't mind having a drunk Barney crash on his couch every week.
Barney slid back into the booth to join the group, which was noticeably missing Robin. "And it's right near this great school," Marshall was saying, "That Lily can teach at and Lando and Han can attend!" Lily rolled her eyes while Ted laughed. "Marshall, for the last time, we are not naming our children Lando and Han!" "But Ted already has dibs on Luke and Leia!" Her husband protested.
Acting amused, Barney took a swig of beer, resisting the urge to glance at the door for the 30th time that night. "I'm just saying, Robin's old place is in an amazing neighborhood, and we never knew it!" Marshall finished. "I'm so glad we got it!" Lily smiled, resting a hand on her husbands arm. "Speaking of Robin, where is she?" Ted wondered, echoing Barney's thoughts. Barney breathed a quiet sigh of relief, glad he hadn't had to bring it up. "She hasn't been out with us for a while…"
Lily and Marshall nodded. "Barney, do you know what's up?" Ted addressed the nervous man who had been carefully avoiding everyone's gaze. "Do you see her much at work?" Barney pulled out his iPhone, desperate to act casual. "Uh… No. Not really – Our offices aren't really that near each other," Barney blinked hard as he lied, "And, uh… I'm sure she's just really busy with stuff. Working late a lot. I mean, it's still a new job…" He kept fiddling around with his phone as the three just nodded in acceptance. "Well, we should call her," Lily decided, "and tell her we miss her… But we're proud of her for working so hard!" Ted smiled, "You're such a kindergarten teacher, Lily." Marshall smiled too as Lily leaned over to Barney. "Barney, why don't you call her and ask her if she has time to come by for just one beer? We all miss her!"
Barney paled, keeping his eyes down. "Uh, yeah… Yeah, we should, but you know what?" He tapped frantically on the phone, wrinkling his face in mock frustration. "It looks like I don't have any service in here." Barney looked up, widening his eyes at Lily. "Uh, why don't you call her?" Lily squinted at him, making a mental note to ask him what was going on later. "Ohh… kay…" She said suspiciously, and pulled out her phone. Barney loosened his tie and slipped the phone back into his pocket while she waited on Robin to pick up. "Hey, Robin! How are you?" Lily pressed the speakerphone button and placed her cell on the table, face-up, so the whole group could listen in. "Uh… I'm fine," Robin replied, quietly. "What's up? I'm kinda busy!"
Her voice was chipper but soft, and in the background they could hear soothing Italian music. "Hey – nothing important," Lily said cheerfully. "We're just all at MacLaren's and we wanted to call you to say we miss you! Are you still working late?" There was a brief pause. "Uh… You're all there? Am I on speakerphone or something?" "Yup!" Lily replied, waving at her friends seated in the booth to speak up. "Hey Robin!" Ted spoke up, "We're proud of you for working so hard!" Marshall chimed in, "But we miss you!" Barney cleared his throat, "Hey Scherbatsky."
Robin paused another moment then responded, "Aw, thanks you guys! That's so sweet for you to call me! I miss you too – but you're right, I have been very busy at work lately." Suddenly, Robin cut off her sentence and the group heard a male voice in the background, "Hey, baby. Ready to go? I'll go get the car." "Sounds good," Robin responded loudly, away from the mouthpiece, then quickly returned to her friends. "Sorry about that – I'm actually on a date right now." "Oooohh…." Marshall, Ted, and Lily teased. "A date? How come I didn't know anything about this?" Lily asked indignantly, enjoying what she was sure was an awkward moment for Robin. "Yeah, well, I would have told you, but he only just asked me today at work." Barney, who had been silent this whole time, expressionless, suddenly leaned forward and spoke directly into the phone. "At work? Who? Who asked you out?" "Uh… Jake? In Sales?" Robin responded, wondering briefly if Barney knew him. "Oh." He replied, quietly, and sat back again. "Jake's a good guy," he said despondently. "Well, we'll let you go – have fun tonight!" Lily said, pressing the speakerphone button off and returning the phone to her ear. "And you better be here at MacLaren's tomorrow, Missy!" She insisted, smiling. "She you back home tonight."
She paused momentarily, listening to the other end of the phone. She broke out into a smile, "Ha – ok, then… See you tomorrow morning." She hung up the phone and raised her eyebrows as she tucked it back into her purse. "Apparently, the date's going well," she said suggestively. Ted and Marshall laughed, and Barney stood up quickly. "Ah – uh – I gotta go," he said, draining the rest of his beer and making his way towards the door. "Big… Project I just remembered I had to finish tonight," he said, opening the door and rushing out.
The remaining three exchanged glances. "He sure has been acting weird a lot lately," said Ted absent-mindedly, taking a sip of his beer. "I mean… more than usual," he clarified.
Marhsall and Lily nodded, and Lily changed the subject quickly, eager to divert the attention from Barney. "So… Have you spoken with Stella since the break-up?" She asked Ted. He sighed and shook his head. "Nope. Nothing…." He looked up from his beer at his companions across the table. "But I kind of want to. Just for some closure, you know?" Lily and Marshall nodded in sympathy. "Just to… I don't know, make sure it's over." Lily and Marshall exchanged worried glances. "Ted, what do you mean? Are you saying you'd take her back? After she left you at the altar?" Marshall was shocked. "No… Well, maybe…" Ted took another swig of beer. "I don't know. I just need to know if she's happy with her decision – because if she's not…" He trailed off and sighed, "Well, I don't know. Forget I even said anything."
And so they did. After a few more beers, the three went their separate ways, just missing Barney who slipped back in to a quiet corner of the bar. He asked Carl to turn on Metro News One, out of habit, and drank alone. Even though it was a new lead anchor, Barney watched the broadcast in misery, ignoring the bevy of beautiful women walking through the door.
******
"No, I'm afraid not," Robin smiled at the reporter standing in the second row of the press room. "I cannot give you the exact financial figures of the acquisition, but we are a publicly traded company. Those figures should be released shortly," she answered his question. The man sat. "Is that it for today?" She asked, crossing her fingers underneath the podium and hoping no one would stand. "Well, I suppose that's it," she remarked, relieved. "Thank you all for being here and have a wonderful weekend." She stifled a yawn as she walked offstage. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night.
Robin began making her way out of the room when she saw Barney standing in the doorframe, ready to intercept her. Not wanting to cause a scene in front of all these cameras, she continued walking his way but avoided his gaze. "Barney," she said icily, smiling her fake newscaster smile. She never broke her stride and continued towards her office. "Robin!" He yelled, running to catch up. "Robin! Wait!"
He finally caught up with her when she reached her office. "What?" She whirled around. Barney was caught off guard with her anger. "Uh…" He mumbled, taking a step back. "I just wanted to talk to you – we haven't spoken in a week, Robin." Robin crossed her arms and gave him a once-over, clearly having some sort of internal debate. Finally, she dropped her arms and opened the office door to usher him in, "Fine."
Apprehensive, Barney entered the office and took a seat in the chair across from her desk. He looked around to see that in that week, she'd made some serious changes in the office. Pictures of their friends were on her desk, a few paintings hanging on the walls, and he caught a glimpse of an opened carton of cigarettes sitting on the filing cabinet. "I like the pictures," he said nervously. "Yeah… I just can't stand working in a place with no windows… What's up?" She asked, shrugging off her jacket and sitting behind her desk. "It's just… Robin, we haven't spoken in a week." She ignored his eyes and started typing, "Yeah? And?" Barney started getting frustrated, "And… And, I went home that night and all your stuff was out of your room, and you hadn't even left a note, and now we're not speaking anymore." Robin kept typing, her eyes steady on the computer. "Robin!" Barney practically shouted, fed up with all this. Startled, the woman turned to look at him. "What's going on? WHY aren't we even friends anymore?" He reached out and grabbed her hands.
Robin's eyes widened and she pressed her lips tightly together. "Barney, I think you know exactly why." Barney kept holding her hands when she tried to free them – he wasn't going to let this go. "No. I don't. Please tell me. TALK to me, Robin." The woman sighed and straightened in her chair. "Fine! You wanna know what's wrong? Fine! I'll tell you what's wrong!" Barney smiled faintly then quickly adjusted his face back to normal – he loved seeing Robin all worked up.
"HERE'S what's wrong Barney!" Robin said, her voice getting higher and louder. "YOU paid for my ticket home! YOU let me stay with you! YOU bought me flowers! And drinks! And presents! And dinner! YOU got me a job!" Barney nodded, silently, letting her finish. "And YOU got me a room at the frickin' PLAZA, Barney! The Plaza! And you were being just so sweet to me…" She trailed off for a moment and Barney squeezed her hands, urging her to continue. "And we SLEPT TOGETHER, Barney." He nodded again, this time letting his smile spread wide across his face. "SEVERAL TIMES! And you bought me breakfast! And held my hand! And you, Barney womanizing, ten-way, disgusting, horrible, anti-marriage Stinson, cuddled with me. And were so sweet to me." She repeated, looking disgusted with herself. "And I thought that meant something, but CLEARLY it didn't, and it's not fair… I have no right to be mad at you, you know," at this Barney's brow furrowed. He had not expected this. "I mean, I should expect you to take advantage of me while I was staying with you," Barney dropped her hands, "It's only natural, right? You would have done it with anyone who stayed with you. I guess you can't be blamed for getting bored after what, only 4 nights, with the same woman, and move as quickly as possible on to the next thing you see with boobs!" Barney stood, hands in his pockets, trying to smile like his usual awesome self, proud of his conquests, but he just couldn't fight through the anger that was slowly building in him. "So I just couldn't talk to you for a couple days because I was angry at myself for thinking you were more than just a sleaze. But I was wrong! You're obviously a sleaze, but I fell for your caring act AGAIN, and I hate it!"
Robin stopped her yelling and took a deep breath to calm herself. She pulled her hair out of her face and crossed her arms in front of her chest, ready for Barney's response. But it didn't come. He just stood there, looking at her quietly, almost sad. If Robin hadn't known any better, she would have thought he looked, well… Heart-broken. Finally, after a long silence, Barney dropped his arms to his side and gave Robin a half-smile. "Well, I guess you've got me figured out, don't you?" Robin nodded. "Yes, I do," she said firmly. "So you never thought that there was anything more to me than, well… Barney. You never believed me when I said I didn't always want to be 'that guy.'" She shook her head, "Nope. Never." Barney heard a slight quiver in her voice and stepped forward, a foot closer to her desk. "So you never stopped to realize that half those things I did – The Plaza, your plane ticket – I did because I cared about you? Not because I wanted to sleep with you?" Robin shook her head again, squeezing her arms tighter around her body as Barney took another step closer. "Even though I was planning on sleeping on the couch?" Another step. "Even though YOU were the one who left me that box of presents that, if I do say so myself, were a direct invitation for me to put the moves on you." Another step. Robin sucked in her breath as Barney was now on her side of the desk, less than two feet away. "You NEVER thought that maybe the only reason I was with that girl on my desk to begin with was because I thought I had lost you?" Barney now held his breath, too. He had put it out there. Now she knew. "Lost me?" Robin murmured, confused. "Robin, I…." He paused, taking another step. They were practically nose-to-nose. It was now or never. "I…." He took a deep breath, about to do what Lily had been telling him for weeks, squeezed his eyes shut, cursed those damned "feelings" for the hundredth time. "I lo-". Robin's lips cut him off as she grabbed him and pulled him towards her. His eyes popped open in surprise, a muffled "Wha?" escaping from his lips when they broke for air. "Don't say it, Barney, please." Robin was pleading him, her eyes desperate. "It's just… I don't have a great track record by starting off a relationship with those words." Barney nodded, relieved, and this time he was the one who grabbed her. He gently wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her as tight as he could, not wanting her to be away from him even the slightest bit. The next time they broke for air, he smiled mischievously. "Fine, then Scherbatsky…. I don't know what you think I was going to say," he winked, "but let's suffice it to say that, you will never, ever, be just another bimbo to me." She smiled and went in for another kiss, but he blocked her lips with his finger. "Wait a minute there, Scherbatsky… Let's not forget to lock the door…"
******
A week later and things were back to normal, as far as the group was concerned. Robin was still crashing with Lily and Marshall, but frequently went on dates with "Jake" and stayed over with him, giving the couple some alone time to work on their new baby-making plans… In reality, Jake had been mysteriously promoted to another city the day after Barney and Robin had made up, and Robin had been promoted to his office – which had an entire wall of windows. She and Barney had been hanging out on a regular basis, on what both of them knew were 'dates,' but they refused to call them that.
After their unexpected hook-up in Robin's office the week prior, they had discussed what they wanted. "Something fun and casual," Robin had supplied, fixing her shirt and reapplying her lipstick. "Right," Barney agreed, straightening his tie. "And… It's probably best that we don't tell anyone about this." Robin nodded, "Yeah. And, I mean, there's not really anything to tell. I mean, we're not dating." Barney waited for her to finish her touch-up, then reached out and pulled her close. "Right, we're not dating…Or," he shuddered, "monogamous. Hell, no." He pulled her in for a big kiss, which Robin protested loudly. "Seriously, Barney, the lipstick!" He just grinned. "Right, not monogamous. Ew..." She agreed, pushing him away playfully and grabbing a Kleenex for him to wipe the lipstick off of his face. "I mean, if we were ever to be monogamous," Robin started, then glanced at Barney and corrected herself after a glance at the horrified man, "Waaay in the future, then if anything, I deserve a freebie." Barney crumpled up the Kleenex and threw it in the trash. "Why is that?" He asked, interested. "For that slut you banged in your office," Robin said plainly. Barney ran his hands through his hair. "Right… That… Well, you're right. Fine. If, on that dreaded day that we ever DID decide to Ted this thing up and become a 'couple,'" he air-quoted, "then you're allowed a freebie. Definitely." Robin smiled and kissed him on the nose. "Good. Now, get outta my office."
It had been a week now, and things were going great for them. The fun came in being kinda-sorta together without their friends noticing. Barney was particularly enjoying it because he got to be an uber-flirt while he was with the whole group in order to deflect the gang's attention from the glances he kept throwing Robin.
When the group went to the tapas place, "More like tap – ASS, am I right?!?!" Barney had joked on the cab ride there, he had been in rare form, only slipping up a few times. Robin didn't blame him for ducking under the hot girls' table, but she was shocked he had returned. To be more honest, she was shocked none of their friends had called him out on coming back to their boring table after partying with the hot girls' table. So, to distract the questions off him, she had divulged her father story.
And when Barney had stroked her arm in sympathy, he quickly caught himself and turned his caring into a Canada insult – which she got him back for later.
At the end of the night, after his non-confrontation with Stella, Ted got back in the car and told his friends what he had seen. Although Marshall was slightly disappointed Mad Ted hadn't enacted some form on revenge, the general consensus of the cab was pride.
"You know, I'm really glad I saw her tonight," Ted reflected that night, crammed back into the booth at MacLaren's. The rest of the group looked on in sympathy. "As much as it hurt to see her be a part of a happy family that wasn't me… Well, at least she's a part of a happy family, right?" The group nodded. "And at least Lucy has her real father now," Ted said, somewhat regretful. "Well," he said, straightening. "I suppose that means it's time for me to move on." Barney sat up a bit straighter, quickly putting his hand on the table from where it had been lightly tracing Robin's palm underneath the table. "Move on?" He asked eagerly. Ted smiled, "Yep. Barney, I think it's time for a wingman again." Barney smiled broadly. "Yeesss!!!" He said eagerly, pumping his fist in the air. Marshall and Lily laughed as Ted raised his glass, "To the future!" He said. "To the future," his friends agreed, clinking their glasses. Marshall and Lily smiled at each other, Ted set to chugging he rest of his beer, and Barney and Robin glanced at one another with a brief smile before drinking their scotches. "And?" Ted resumed, picking up his empty glass and raising it at Barney, "To getting us laid as much as possible!" He said triumphantly. Barney laughed, "What, I thought you were against that?" Ted laughed, "Yes, but I like to know that I have options – and history shows you're the best wingman at getting me laid," "Hey!" "No offense, Marshall," he continued in response to his friends protest. "So whichever girls I don't want, I can just pass on to you." Barney smiled and clinked his empty glass against Ted's. "To getting laid as much as possible, then." He said, smiling. Robin leaned forward, a mischievous sparkle in her eye. "You know, if Ted decides to keep all of his conquests for himself, I can probably help you out with that," she said, smiling. Barney turned to face her, a laugh playing on his lips. "As your wing-woman, of course," Robin said, winking. "Of course," Barney responded.
Marshall and Ted began a conversation about where they could find a beautiful woman who loved Star Wars while Lily's attention remained fixed on Barney and Robin. The two were whispering to one another at the end of the table and she could see the tip of Barney's fingers just barely wrapped around Robin's waist. She caught Barney's eyes and raised an eyebrow. He quickly dropped his arms and turned away from Robin. Lily smiled… Something was going on there…
A/N: Don't panic! I know that this seems like the end, but it's not! It shall continue, I promise! Ok, now that I'm all caught up to the story line, as I follow along with the show, I'll be throwing in my own kinda conspiracy theories into my fic. Ex: So… After watching last week's episode, I'm convinced that Barney and Robin are secretly together, it just won't be revealed to us yet – we'll eventually see a flashback in a future episode that reveals they made up post-Shelter Island and have been kinda casually together ever since. Which would help explain the spoilers we read for Ep. 11 – "Benefits" – and Barney's reaction… Comment away, please!
Part Ten
A/N: A bit of clarification – I will never, never, EVER spoil anything for you. I mean, if you haven't watched the most recent episode, you probably won't want to read this, because I talk about stuff that's already aired, but I won't talk about anything in the future. You have my word. I do read spoilers, but I completely understand not wanting to be spoiled. (On a related note, if any of you ever reveal any LOST or Burn Notice spoilers, I will personally physically harm you)… If I ever allude to a spoiler in my A/N, I will warn you (I didn't think there was anything spoilerish in my last A/N,) but I will definitely not include anything in a chapter that I've read is going to happen in the future according to a spoiler. So, if there's something major coming up and I know about it, I may lay some subtle groundwork or whatever in my fic, but I definitely will not discuss anything until the episode is aired. I will, however, fully disclose my own insane, sleep-deprived conspiracy theories. Because they are, in a word, legen-awesome-dary.
"I don't like it." Barney said decisively, putting down his scotch. Ted sighed in frustration and Robin shot him dagger eyes. "What?" Asked Ted, annoyed. "I said, I don't like it!" Insisted Barney, shooting dagger eyes right back at Robin.
Marshall and Lily slid into the booth next to them. "What's not to like?" Lily asked, grabbing Robin's beer and taking a sip, waiting for hers to arrive. "Robin's moving into my spare bedroom," Ted said with a sigh, and motioned at the frustrated suited man sitting across from him, "and for some reason Barney's completely against the idea."
The married couple exchanged worried glances. "You're moving in together?" Lily asked worriedly, shooting a glance at Barney who was intensely examining his scotch glass. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Marshall chimed in, "Yeah, I mean, as much as Lily and I want some… alone time…" He glanced at Robin, "No offense," she just nodded, "Are you really sure you want your ex to move in with you? It just sounds like a recipe for disaster." Barney nodded, excited at the support. "E-XAC-tly."
Ted sighed and rolled his eyes. "You guys, seriously," he glanced at Robin for support then looked back at the table, "It's just fine. We've talked about it. It won't be awkward at all. We've both dated people since then – heck, I was even engaged! – and there's nothing there." Robin looked at him and smiled. "Right?" She nodded, "Right." She faced the table, "Honestly, we understand your concern, but we're both adults, and we know what we're doing. If we thought this was going to be the least bit awkward, we wouldn't do it. But it makes perfect sense – he has an empty room, I'm homeless, we get along well." Lily looked pointedly at her friend. "But, Robin… Think about this. Remember the last time you tried to move in with Ted? How it didn't work out at all?" Robin and Ted exchanged looks again and smiled. "Yeah, I think it'll be fine."
Barney groaned and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. "This is going to be a HORRIBLE MISTAKE!" He declared mournfully. "You're still in the denial phase. Think about the Platinum Rule!" He said, sitting up straight with his index finger raised high. "You'll regret this! It'll just be like last time you tried to move in together…. Only worse! Except, I did score a Rockette last time…" He trailed off, staring off and smiling in remembrance. "A-HEM!" Robin cleared her throat, snapping her back to the present. "You'll get back together – I know you will," he said, glancing meaningfully at Robin, "And you'll make the rest of us so miserable because you broke up for a reason! OW!" He exclaimed, reaching under the table and rubbing his shin from where Robin had kicked him.
"Well," sighed Lily, "If you guys are set on it, I guess we can't talk you out of it." She took a sip of her beer. "Yeah," Marshall agreed reluctantly, "And I guess it does kind of make sense. Plus, it'll be easier when we all hang out if we don't all have to travel from separate places like we did today." Robin quickly averted her eyes, trying not to give anything away. She and Barney had actually been coming to MacLaren's from the same place that night, dinner together, but had been careful to arrive at different times. Barney had ridden around the block in the cab a couple times before getting back, so as not to alert the gang that something was up.
Ted laughed, "Good. And why do you even care so much anyway, Barney?" Barney looked up sharply and began slowly tracing Robin's leg with his toe. "Because if you guys start dating again…" His foot momentarily paused, "Then I'll be losing my… Wingman," he stumbled, looking at Ted.
"You won't lose anything, I promise," Ted said, placing a reassuring hand on Barney's shoulder. "Yes, I will," he said quietly, dropping his foot and looking sadly at Robin.
******
"Don't you feel like you were being a bit obvious at the bar?" Asked Robin as she and Barney slowly walked down the street back to his apartment later that night. Barney shrugged, kicking at a discarded Coke can on the sidewalk. "No… I don't know," he said despondently. Robin wrinkled her eyebrows in concern and stepped closer to the man as they walked. "Then what's the big deal, Barney? Why do you care so much? Nothing's going to ha-" "Because something IS going to happen, Robin!" Barney exclaimed, stepping back from her touch and raising his voice. "It's inevitable. And it'll ruin everything!"
Robin stood back, surprised. "What do you mean, 'it's inevitable?' Ted and I are adults… not wild animals. I think we can control our impulses." She smiled and scooted closer to him again, "Besides, I have you for those impulses." He shook her off. "No, it'll mess it all up!" He insisted. "You'll get back together, and then I won't just be some 'man on the side' for you – I'll be breaking the Bro Code all over again! It'll ruin US and it'll wreck my broship with Ted!" Robin crossed her arms over her chest. "Barney. Let me restate. The idea of me and Ted… Again? Ew. Just no. No, no, NO!" She squinted in disgust.
Barney sighed and reached out for her hands. "Robin… I know you don't think it'll happen, and may not even want it to happen… But he's your ex," he explained patiently. "You have a history." He stepped closer to her and wrapped one arm around her waist, reaching up to brush the hair out of her face with the other. "And if I can turn 16 no's into a yes… Then Ted can easily do the same with just four no's."
Robin looked up at him with troubled eyes. "Barney?" She asked, right before he leaned in and kissed her, "What?" He paused. "There was a reason Ted and I broke up, remember?" Barney didn't draw back, still hovering above her lips. "Mmm-hmm…" "Those reasons haven't changed. We still want different things." Barney avoided her eyes, "Right. Like you don't want babies. And he does." Robin nodded, unsure at first, and then strengthening her resolve. "Right. I don't want babies. And neither do you." Barney continued to avoid her eyes and drew back. "Right. Kids are… just a horrible idea." Robin nodded.
They both looked at each other, quietly, under a street lamp. "You know, I just remembered something I've gotta do…" Barney said, scratching his head and breaking the spell. "So, uh, I'll see you later, Robin." With that, he waved and left the woman standing there, confused. "Right… See ya Barney," she said quietly, wondering what that was about. Later, when Robin was eating her Beer Float, maybe spiked with some extra Kahlua, and packing up her stuff at Marshall and Lily's place, she wondered if Barney was right. If she and Ted were going to inevitably get back together. She shook the thought away and went back to folding clothes, trying to force the image of Jeremy's sock out of her mind. She didn't want babies. She didn't want babies.
Barney pulled Jeremy's sock out of his jacket as he sang onstage. He was drunk. He was singing in public about fathers and sons. And he was holding a baby's sock. He dropped the mike and walked offstage – he had to find someplace quiet. He eventually found his way up to the roof with a bottle of scotch in his hand, sitting in the cool evening air and watching the city life walk around beneath him. He couldn't let anyone see him like this. And he couldn't, could NOT, lose Robin.