Exactly Where Were Supposed To Be
Chapter 3: Weakness
Disclaimer: I own the plot...
An: Thanks for the comments, keep doing it...
Mitchie sat in her room, tears streaming down her face. She was alone. She couldn't believe that she had done that in front of so many people. But Shane's eyes, Shane's eyes well they just broke her heart.
She had never felt so guilty for doing what she had done, but when she saw Shane, she knew that she couldn't stay here, it was wrong, she had no way out though, she had agreed to this, but she couldn't avoid him.
It was wrong to keep something so precious, so pure, away from him. She had never felt more selfish in her life.
Her head hurt.
"You warned me that you were gonna leave
I never thought you would really go
I was blind, but baby now I see
Broke your heart, but now I know
That I was being such a fool
And that didn't deserve you"
Looking around her room, she wished that he was here. Not Tadhg, but Shane she needed him, she needed to see his smiling face, letting her know that she was his only love. She could never unlove him. This summer was going to be harder than she first thought.
She loved him. She would always love him. But she felt guilty, she felt guilty because she could never tell Shane that he had a baby, that he created this living thing, it was too late now, she would have to deal with the consequences
Pulling her knees into her chest, she cried. Cried for her baby. Cried for Shane. But mostly she cried for herself, for what she had done. She just wanted things to be different, but she couldn't change, not now, not when the lie was too far in. She had kept it from him for over a year, another summer wouldn't kill her. Yet somehow she knew that she would crumble, the next time he spoke to her, he'd make her crumble.
His gentle touch, his caring nature, his soft smile or his even more heart wrenching words of love. It would tear her apart, she'd have to tell him like a responsible adult, or she could hide, from him and from everybody, just keep her head down and get on with it. All she wanted was a summer of happiness, to be a carefree teenager again, but she knew that with Shane here she would never be able to do it.
"I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I don't know if I'll get up
And I don't wanna cause a scene
But I'm dyin' without your love
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you"
Mitchie looked at her photo, the one that she had brought just in case she missed him. And she did, she missed him more than anything, she felt guilty for leaving him, but she knew that she couldn't go back. Her head really hurt now. She needed Shane but she couldn't have him, she wanted her baby here and to have a family but she couldn't give it to him. She had sacrificed everything at the expense of her happiness.
"Hello" came a familiar voice
Walking into the room he saw Mitchie crying and it broke his heart, he had never stopped loving her. He had tried to call her, but she wouldn't answer, he didn't know why, he had never been so crushed in his life, he cried for days, he needed her.
"Mitchie" Shane asked, looking at her
Mitchie wiped her eyes, and turned away from him. "What" she asked, her eyes blotchy
"Will you look at me" he asked, hurt evident in his voice
"I can't" she answered
Shane sat on the bed and took her hand, it burned through her. "Look at me" he said, pulling her
Turning around she looked at him, his eyes speaking what he couldn't say. "What" she asked, trying not to look him in the eyes for too long
"What the hell got into you" he asked, sounding more angry than what he meant
"Us, Our History" she answered, trying her best to keep away from him
"Do you think that was easy for me" he asked, raising from the bed
"I don't know" she squirmed, hunching up again
"You don't know, You don't know" he sighed "YOU DON'T KNOW" he shouted
"It's a lot harder for me" she said, not thinking
"How is it harder for you Mitchie"
Mitchie looked up at him. How could she have caused this. But she did. If she had told him like her mom had said, they wouldn't have this problem. He would know that he was a father, he would know that it was a lot harder for her to be here, to be away from her son, his son, he would be feeling the same thing too. But she didn't and here he was, heartbroken, not knowing why she had run out of the room. But she couldn't tell him, not now, not here.
"Lookin' at the letter you that you left
The letter that you left, will I ever get you back
Wondering if I'll ever get you back
ooh aahh, ooh ahh
Dreaming about when I'll see you next
When will I see you next, will I ever get you back
Knowing that I never will forget
I won't forget, I won't forget
That I was being such a fool
And that I still don't deserve you"
Shane wanted to tell her that he loved her, that he still did, no matter how angry he was, he would never stop loving her. She had tamed him, she had made him feel so special, the memory of her making love to her still haunted his memory. He had given her his body. She had gone off, giving him nothing but a goodbye.
"It just is" she sobbed "Just is"
"Do you not think its hard for me" he asked, sitting back down on the bed, calming himself down
"Yeah" she sobbed, not able to look him in his eyes, too much heartbreak was still caught in the brown puddles
"Mitchie will you look at me" he sighed, his eyes pleading
Mitchie looked up momentarily "Its too hard" she sobbed
"Nothing's as hard as this I get it, but please just look at me"
Jumping up from the bed in a leap, she grabbed her suitcase and began frantically repacking the few small things she had unpacked. She had to get out of here. She thought that this would be a fun summer but she was wrong, she wasn't like people here anymore, she had responsibilities, a son and a job, she couldn't be here. What was she thinking, she was trying to relive some stupid dream that had long died.
"What are you doing" he asked, looking at her
"I'm going home, I can't do this" she said sardonically "What was I thinking" she asked herself
"I know the only reason I came here" he said, getting up from the bed
"Why" she asked, only half interested
"Because I knew you'd be here" he said, closing his eyes as he touched her shoulder
"How romantic" she said as sarcastiaclly as she could manage
"You can't tell me that the only reason you came here was for the good of the music"
She knew that he was right. It wasn't for the freedom it brought. It wasn't even to give her a second chance to become famous, it was because she needed him, she couldn't be without him forever. She came here, though she didn't realise to find him. Yet she was here, trying to get away from him, to anybody watching it wouldn't have made any sense, but to her, it made perfect sense, she had to get away before she gave in to him and kissed him and spilled about his child.
She had to go. She didn't care who she let down, she had to leave.
"Mitchie" he said, tears stinging the inner corner of his eyes "Mitchie please"
"I can't" she sobbed, her voice higher than she would have liked
"I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I don't know if I'll get up
And I don't wanna cause a scene
Cause I'm dyin' without your love
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you"
"Why" he said "Why can't you tell me"
Her heart broke as she looked at him, his heart breaking, he didn't know why she was like this. But she couldn't tell now.
"Please" he said, looking at her
"Please" she said, trying to push past him
"I'm not letting you go, not now, not this time"
Kissing her forcefully, he pushed her against the door, forcing her to drop her case. His tongue tangled with hers feeling sensations, he knew that they were only able to evoke within each other.
"Shane" she said through her moans
She had wanted this every day since she had his baby. She needed him, but this, this wasn't right. The way he was doing it, wasn't right, she could never have him.
"Shane" she moaned again, trying to release herself from him
"No" he moaned, nibbling at her neck
"We" she gasped as he fondled her breasts "can't do this" she said, with all the meaning she could manage
"Yes we can"
"No" She answered, finally managing to push him off
Shane looked at her, her eyes were still bloodshot, she was so heartbroken. Why was she doing this to herself, she was resisting this and for what?, her pride? her freedom from him?, because as far as he could see, she was breaking her own heart in the process, she was sacrificing what was right for her. It was all for some stupid sense of pride.
"Mitchie why are you denying this, making something difficult that should be so easy, that should never have ended in the first place"
"Because I am" she said, picking up her suitcase again
"You go, you're giving up everything" he sighed, hoping that she would stay
"I can't give up something that was never there" she lied, sobbing at her own lies
"So tell me what we're fighting for
Cause you know that truth means so much more
Cause you would if you could, don't lie
Cause I'd give everything that I've got left
To show you I mean what I have said
I know I was such a fool
But I can't live without you"
She couldn't be here. Not with him. Not with all of this drama. She wanted a second chance at freedom. Not caught up with this. Though she may have come here for him subconciously, she didn't want to stay, not with him looking so like her son that every time she looked at him she had to stop herself telling him, that couldn't last much longer
"Go on Run, run like you do" he shouted, his voice quivering
"Shane stop" she cried, tring hard not to jump on him and make soft, tender love with him
"I can't stop" he sobbed "Beacuse I'll never stop loving you"
"Never" he roared "Tell me you don't feel the same and I'll walk out that door and out of this camp, you'll never see me again"
Mitchie sat on the bed, dropping her case, her head held in her hands "I can't, but I can't be with you either"
Shane shook his head "You're a joke" he said, slamming the door as hard as possible.
Shane walked outside, tears freely flowing down his cheeks.
He didn't know why she was like that, she was never like that, it was like she was forced to mature, he didn't like it, it wasn't natural. Mitchie heard his sobs from her cabin and it was all she could do not to run out and kiss him and tell him that it was alright and tell him that she needed him to be here, she needed his love, it was like a drug that she'd been weined off, but still craved when it was handed to her. Weakness.
After what felt like hours of crying, she got up from her bed and looked in her suitcase. She still had her picture of her baby, somehow she knew that she had to do this, she had to do this for her baby, so that he would be proud of her. Her heart said do it, but yet the thing she usually sided with was telling her not to stay. She didn't know which part to follow. Any option she took had good points and bad points. If she took the first path, she could go home, away from it all, pretend like it never happened, but if she took this part she would be doing something she loved, for the people she loved. She was so confused.
Going outside for fresh air, she brought her phone with her, trying to get a signal, she dialled her mothers number and listened to her for once. She told her to stay, to avoid Shane if she could and just be a child again. To be immature and to sing like she hadn't a care.
She knew that her mom was right, but she still thought that she was.
"Don't wanna fall asleep
Don't know if I'll get up
I don't wanna cause a scene
But I'm dyin' without your love
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you
Yeah!"
The night was a restless one for her. All she kept replaying were the events of the day, how she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. It was guilt. Guilt that she'd have to deal with.
She recieved her breakfast call at seven am, though she wasn't hungry, she got up anyway, heading down to camp, she noticed that she was with a group of girls, who reminded her vaguely of Tess and Peggy, they thought that they were it. She didn't bother to look for Shane, though he was all that she could think about. She recieved some odd stares from people, she knew what their problem was.
Heading to the staff room for a quick look at the schedule, she didn't notice who the only other hip hop dance teacher was.
"I'm doing a class with Shane" she said, looking at the timetable
"You and Shane are the only one's who can do it" Alision, a team leader said, a sorry look on her face
"Fine" she sighed, grabbing a towel from the shelf
She knew that there was just no getting away from him, this was how it would be everyy day for four weeks, she would have a class with him.
She headed through the woods to the cabin, as she entered she saw Shane, standing there, watching aimlessly as the young people warmed up. Mitchie cleared her throat and headed accross the room, she would not be overpowered by any of the young people here.
Shane looked over at her momentarily and looked away, trying not to cry, he had to be strong. Shooting Mitchie a look,she gulped back her tears giving a pleasent smile to all.
The class was a nightmare, people kept looking at them, as if they should do something, but they didn't. As the class let out Mitchie looked over at him
"Shane" she sighed
Looking over at her, he sighed and shook his head "Go Mitchie, you're still a joke"
Mitchie turned and left, tears in her eyes, looking back at him, she realised what she had really done, she broke two hearts.
"Don't wanna fall asleep (Don't wanna fall asleep)
Cause I don't know if I'll get up (Who knows if I'd get up)
And I don't wanna cause a scene
'Cause I'm dyin' without your love (yeah)
I'm beggin' to hear your voice (Let me hear your voice)
Tell me you love me too (Tell me you love me too)
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you"