Author- Luna P aka Nikki
Rating- R/M, still don't get the new rating system --U
Warnings- Wincest, angst, language, I think the incest is the major thing here, oh and there's slash n.n enjoy.
Disclaimer- Ah, not again, nope I don't own Supernatural or any of the characters, infact the only thing I own is the plot, I hope that's something n.n
Summary- What exactly did Sam say to Dr Ellicot and what if Dean somehow found out?
A/N- set after asylum because I noticed that there were a lot of things that needed to be discussed after that episode that were just pushed aside and ignored. Which could not be good for either of Dean or Sam's mental states so I decided to be a good little authoress and fill the void. Hope you enjoy and please leave a review n.n
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Prologue
Dean hadn't spoken to him much in days, had looked at him even less, driving had quickly become hell. They needed to talk, that was more than apparent but everytime Sam tried to talk to Dean he would either turn up the radio and drown him out with Metallica or stop the car and say that he needed to go for a walk. In the end Sam had resorted to just staring out of the window. He knew he had upset Dean, felt really badly for doing so, but if Dean wouldn't talk to him then how could he ever explain that he hadn't meant a word of it. Well… hadn't meant to say it to his face anyway…
As if Dean had heard the thought he stopped the car causing Sam to jump and hazard a glance over at his older brother who glared at him briefly before slipping out of the car and slamming the door. Sam groaned and let his head fall forward against the dashboard, a sickeningly loud thud filling the air as he did so. A while later the passenger door was opened and Sam glanced over to see Dean leaning against the side of the car.
"Come on, I got us a motel room, I don't know about you but I'm fucking tired," he explained before turning and walking away. Sam sighed and slipped from the car, slamming the door closed as he jogged to catch up with his older brother.
"Dean… is everything ok between us, you've been really quiet since we left the Asylum, I thought that we'd cleared the air and were ok." Sam said as Dean opened the motel room and stepped inside.
"Everything's fine Sam, I'm just tired and I've got a headache, all in all I haven't been feeling very talkative." The elder explained as he dumped his bags and jacket beside his bed before he collapsed onto it, obviously hoping that that would bring an end to the conversation. He loved Sam, he really did, but he just didn't want to talk to him. Not right then at least. Infact he would have preferred to eat broken glass than talk to Sam about what had happened back at the Asylum. He just wanted to try and forget it, but Sam was more than determined not to let this slide. Sometimes the kid just didn't know when to give up.
"Is that really all it is Dean?" Sam asked as he sat on the edge of Dean's bed, the elder growled and rolled over, glaring at the younger male before he pushed himself off of the bed and stalked towards the bathroom.
"Yeah, now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower," Dean all but snarled as he slammed the door, leaning against the wood. He didn't want to shout at Sammy, didn't want to frown everytime he saw him. Didn't want to wonder what he really thought of Dean, if all that he had said in the asylum was true. Because deep down he knew that it probably was. He knew it because he wasn't someone that was easily liked. Infact nine out of ten people hated him from the first moment they saw him. Why couldn't Sam be one of the nine?
Sam knew him better than anyone in the world, if people hated him immediately then what would they think of him after years of living with him? He didn't even want to think about it. Sighing he turned on the shower, waiting for it to heat up before he stripped down and stepped under the stream of water. He wanted to break down, he wanted to cry, more than anything he wanted to bash his head against the fucking wall until his skull caved in and all the fucking pain stopped.
He shivered then a few moments later realised that the water had gone cold, sighing heavily he stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it round his waist. He walked across the tiled floor to the sink, bracing his hands against the porcelain as he stared at the mirror that was clouded with steam. He was somewhat grateful for it, because sometimes when he stared at his reflection he hated himself too. Not that anyone would ever notice by the way he acted, after all, over time he had become very good at hiding his emotions, at pretending to be ok. Sometimes not even he himself knew if he was ok or not.
He felt moisture on his cheek and reached up to brush it away, as he did so the steam on the mirror began to clear and it suddenly occurred to him that he was crying. Dean Winchester was crying, something that he hadn't done for years, because it was a weakness. A weakness he swore that he wouldn't have. He stared up at the mirror, the steam having completely cleared, locked eyes with his reflection, and somehow resisted the overwhelming urge to smash it to hell.
Taking a deep breath to calm himself down he ran his hands over his face and replaced his perfectly stoic mask. The mask that he knew wouldn't last for forever and would one day, most likely sooner than not, shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and leave him completely and utterly vulnerable. Would allow people to see that he had emotions, weaknesses, and the thousands of faults that he always struggled so desperately to keep hidden. With another deep breath he pushed all the thoughts to the back of his mind and wandered over to the door.
The first thing that he noticed when he stepped into the bedroom was that Sam was fast asleep, curled up underneath the covers of his bed. He sighed in relief, because it meant that he didn't have to talk about things that he would rather not. Running a hand through his hair he walked over to his bag, dropping the towel and grabbing a pair of clean boxer shorts, he quickly pulled them on and walked over to the table where Sam had placed the laptop. Dean hadn't really been able to sleep the past few days, relying on a hell of a lot of strong coffee to keep him going. He just couldn't face closing his eyes. Couldn't face repeating the events at the Asylum as he dreamt.
Yawning he brought the laptop over to his bed and began to load it up. With a shaking hand he reached out, lifting his leather jacket from where he had dropped it on top of his duffel bag earlier. He bit down harshly on his lip as he slipped his hand into the right pocket, lifting a cassette tape into view. Hazel eyes burned slightly as he stared at the tape, the thought crossing his mind that if it had been anyone else then they wouldn't have had anything to play it on. The day of the cassette having long since passed. However it hadn't been anyone else, it was Dean and he could play it but everytime he touched it a shiver ran up his spine and he felt nauseous.
Sam stirred in the bed next to his and he placed the tape back into the right pocket of his leather jacket before he dropped the coat back onto the duffel bag and cast his attention at the computer screen glowing before him. With another yawn he brought up the Internet and began to search for any supernatural activity close to where they were. Sifting through piles of information with a skilled ease. He knew that it wasn't the most interesting thing in the world and that he would have to fight to stay awake, but he needed to do something he couldn't just sit there and think. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't leave incase something attacked Sammy whilst he was asleep, so he did the only thing that he could. He worked.
Sam whimpered softly in his sleep, causing Dean to tense completely and pray to whatever Gods were willing to listen to him to let Sam have a real dream of lollipops and candy canes, because he couldn't handle watching his baby brother suffer from another one of his nightmares. But at the same time he couldn't handle holding Sam in his arms and telling him that everything was going to be ok. Because he could feel himself breaking and he didn't have the energy anymore to try and hold Sam together whilst he himself just fell apart.
He buried his head into his hands and almost cried with relief when Sam settled down, falling once again into what was hopefully a peaceful sleep filled with fluffy bunnies and all things nice. Maybe he was being selfish but hecouldn't handle one of Sam's nightmares tonight, any other night he would stay up all night and rock Sam to sleep if he had to, but he couldn't handle it tonight and not fall apart. Dean could be strong, as strong as anything, but contrary to popular belief he also had moments of weakness.
Refocusing his attention onto the laptop Dean began to sift through files that had been brought up.
"Dean?" He jumped slightly taken aback by his name being called out, he turned his head to see Sam yawning and rubbing his eyes free of sleep. "Why are you still up? I thought that you were tired," Sam mumbled as he sat up, resting on his elbows as he glanced over at his older brother.
"I had to check something," the elder explained, returning his gaze to the screen of the laptop,
"Dean… something's wrong isn't it, and stop saying that everything is fine because it's clearly not. Do you think I'm stupid or something? I know that you haven't been sleeping and I know that you really don't want to talk about it, but Dean you need to sleep, please. I'm worried about you. Whatever it is surely it can wait till the morning."
"Sammy, please, just drop it and go back to sleep, I will finish what I am doing and then I will go to sleep, ok?" Dean asked, briefly glancing over at Sam who was now sat on the very edge of his bed. Bedside light on. Eyes firmly glued to Dean's frame.
"What exactly is so important that it can't wait till tomorrow morning Dean?" Sam almost pleaded,
"Sam, stop, I have a headache, I'm not that tired I just want some peace and quiet, I'm sorry if I woke you up but please, go back to sleep." The elder sighed softly and began to sift through the files once again ignoring the fact that Sam's gaze refused to stray from his form. After a few long minutes of silence Dean's phone started to beep from the bedside table. Dean made no move to get it, just continued to stare at the computer screen; with a sigh Sam leant over and lifted the phone from the table. Flipping it open he quickly glanced at the text message before running a hand through his hair and placing it back down on the bedside table.
"It's co-ordinates Dean, dad's got another job for us, so stop looking for one." Sam practically snarled as he reached over and turned off the light before rolling over in his bed so that his back was facing his older brother and closing his eyes as tightly as he could. The humming of the laptop informed him that Dean was still working, he'd probably now moved onto working out where they were going next and compiling information on that town. Trying to find out what it was that they were hunting.
Sam loved Dean he really did but he wished that he wasn't so hard headed and stubborn about everything. Wished that, even if it was only once, he could open up instead of keeping all of his emotions bottled up inside because if he continued to live like that then it would eventually kill him and Sam knew that he couldn't do this without Dean. He couldn't hunt, probably couldn't even live because Dean was everything to him.
"Dean," Sam started but didn't roll over to face his brother, just continued to stare off into the darkness of the room. "I can't stand you giving me the cold shoulder anymore, I really wish that you would tell me what I've done so that I could make it up to you and things could go back to the way they were. But I know that you're not one for supposed 'chick-flick' moments and that you're not going to open up and tell me what's wrong. So I guess what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry… for whatever it is that I did that upset you so fucking much." Dean glanced between Sam and his jacket lying on the floor, his gaze eventually falling to rest on the jacket.
"I know Sammy, but sometimes sorry just isn't good enough." Dean admitted softly and slammed the laptop closed. Walking over to the table and placing it back where he had found it before returning to his bed and climbing into it. Facing away from Sam so that they both had their backs to each other. Neither of them liked having this wedge driven between them, but there was just too much left unsaid, so much that needed to be discussed but that they were too afraid to even breach the subject of.
Sighing in defeat Sam stood from his bed and walked over to Dean's climbing in beside his brother, like he had used to do when they were children. Whenever Dean had been angry with him over something or not talking to him Sam would climb into Dean's bed and though nothing was ever really resolved by it there was a sense of acceptance and care that seemed to relax the two of them and allow them to forget whatever they were arguing over. Even if it was just for one night.
As Sam wrapped his arms around his brother he noticed how Dean tensed at the contact but after a few moments he relaxed and allowed Sam to hold onto him. Sometimes it was easier not to talk, easier to just lie there and pretend that the problems didn't exist than to confront them. Though ultimately they both knew that they would have to talk about it eventually or be forced to go their separate ways, and neither wanted that to happen.
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Alright, that was shit, but this is just the prologue, I'm sorry for it being so sketchy and so emotionally unstable but I guess I'm trying to reflect Sam and Dean's emotional states in the writing style. (And failing miserably) Sorry for the shitness but please come back next chapter and read what should be a decent piece of writing, the plot will be introduced, things will be revealed, confrontations will be held. And who knows maybe I'll get to the good stuff sooner than expected.
Sorry once again and please come back for the better part of the fic…