A/N: I know, I know, I know, this one's been a long time coming. But in any case, I lay the blame for this one solely at the feet of Epona. She's the one who came up with the idea of a splinter faction of an alien worshipping cult that's attached themselves to the 'bots. These guys like to camp out in the forest around the Ark and partake of rites and rituals that include reciting long strings of binary code after a few puffs of the wacky 'baccy, wear paint and paper mache masks and broadcast 'worship anthems' over the radio bands. Said worship anthems can be best described as the love child of a digeridoo and bagpipes on helium, with techo whale song and engine noises played at varying speeds thrown in for good measure. They also mob any Autobot or Autobot-associated person they can get their hands on. It's not a happy experience for the Autobot.
Communique 15
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Grimlock (megrimlocktrannet)
Mirage (foxtrottrannet)
Smokescreen (bettingbottrannet)
Bumblebee (buzzybeetrannet)
Subject: Time to kick it in gearTh' wedding is comin' up so let's get ready. Be at the basketball court at 1930, I'll make sure th' high command keep off our backs for our planning meet ; )
From: Grimlock (megrimlocktrannet)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Time to kick it in gear
Us Dinobots be there.
From: Mirage (foxtrottrannet)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Time to kick it in gear
So shall Smokescreen and I.
From: Bumblebee (buzzybeetrannet)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Time to kick it in gear
I'll tell Wheeljack to cook up some of those Lewis-bomb inspired things of his.
0o0o0
From: Hound (houndtac-comnet)
To: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
Subject: Long-patrol report
Just spotted something odd in Sector GA3, I'm investigating now and going radio silent.
From: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
To: Hound (houndtac-comnet)
Subject: Re Long-patrol report
Message received, I'm putting the Aerialbots on standby.
From: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
To: Silverbolt ()
Subject: Possible activity in Sector GA3
Your team is now on standby alert.
From: Silverbolt (silverbolttac-commnet)
To: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
Subject: Re Possible activity in Sector GA3
Copy that, confirming standby.
0o0o0
From: Hot Spot (tlhotspottrannet)
To: Groove (gowiththeflowtrannet)
Subject: No
From: Groove (gowiththeflowtrannet)
To: Hot Spot (tlhotspottrannet)
Subject: Re No
But Hot Spot! Look at it, it's so beautiful!
From: Hot Spot (tlhotspottrannet)
To: Groove (gowiththeflowtrannet)
Subject: Re Re No
I don't care. You know the rules Groove, no pets that could eat Twostroke. Put the python back.
From: Groove (gowiththeflowtrannet)
To: Hot Spot (tlhotspottrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re No
But it's so lonely!
From: Hot Spot (tlhotspottrannet)
To: Groove (gowiththeflowtrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re No
No
0o0o0
From: Nightwatch (squadcommanderopscom)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Oi! You!
Guess what.
Your pet security officer just requisitioned my team to help with security for this 'wedding' thing.
By the way, tell Blaster he can expect to get his head staved in with a sledgehammer for sending all that 'music' up here. Vibe, my new comm. officer, now feels the need to play Blur's Song 2 every time we do an air drop.
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Nightwatch
Subject: Re Oi! You!
You are? That's great! When are y' coming down here?
Heh, and I'll warn him. You might wanna hide afterwards though. Our CMO doesn't like folks doing that. He gets cranky. Cranky Hatchet bad.
From: Nightwatch (squadcommanderopscom)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Re Oi! You!
Going by local time measurement it's… two days, 4 hours and 35 minutes. It should give us enough time to get to know the local area.
Shadow and Vibe tell me that your pet security officer used to run the Counter Intel department at the Academy. Do you mind if we do a security run once we get down there?
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Nightwatch
Subject: Re Re Re Oi! You!
A run eh? I won't get in your way ; )
Gonna go for general massacre or are there certain mechs ya wanna pick off?
From: Nightwatch (squadcommanderopscom)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Oi! You!
All the officers we can lay our hands on and anyone who gets in our way.
By the way, what does ' ; )' mean? It doesn't translate.
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Nightwatch (squadcommanderopscom)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Re Oi! You!
It's called a 'smiley', local thing. I'll 'splain when you get here.
From: Nightwatch (squadcommanderopscom)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Re Re Oi! You!
Uh…okay.
0o0o0
From: Smokescreen (bettingbottrannet)
To: Mirage (foxtrottrannet)
Subject: New opportunity
I'll meet you in the lounge in five minutes, our broker just called with something quite interesting.
0o0o0
From: Ironhide (ironhidetrannet)
To: Grimlock (megrimlocktrannet)
Subject: Don't look so suspicious if you don't wanna get caught
I know Jazz is up to something, but Red's gonna pop a gasket if he catches you and your lot looking so sneaky. Go outside or somethin' where he can't see ya
From: Grimlock (megrimlocktrannet)
To: Ironhide (ironhidetrannet)
Subject: Re Don't look so suspicious if you don't wanna get caught
How you Ironhide know what him Jazz doing?
Us Dinobots go outside, but only because we no want him Red Alert getting mad and breaking his head again.
0o0o0
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Prowl (autobotprowltrannet)
Subject: I have solved your problem!
From: Prowl (autobotprowltrannet)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re I have solved your problem!
I wasn't aware that I had one, but please go ahead
From: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
To: Prowl (autobotprowltrannet)
Subject: Re Re I have solved your problem!
You need to get hitched.
From: Prowl (autobotprowltrannet)
To: Jazz (dajazzmantrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re I have solved your problem!
…I beg your pardon?
Hold on, priority traffic coming through from Hound
From: Hound (houndtac-comnet)
To: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
Subject: Priority Alert!
I just ran across a band of Autopians! It looked like they were getting ready to start broadcasting their 'worship anthems', and the rest are chasing me! I need a hot evac, now!
From: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
To: Hound (houndtac-comnet)
Subject: Re Priority Alert!
Copy that Hound, I'm dispatching Blades to pick you up
From: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
To: Blades ()
Subject: Priority Alert
Hound is being pursued by a band of Autopians somewhere around Sector G.A.3, find him and extract him now!
From: Blades (bladestac-commnet)
To: Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
Subject: Re Priority Alert
Copy, lift off in 2
From Designated OOD (prowltac-commnet)
To: All addresses at tac-commnet
Subject: Priority Alert
Autopians have been spotted in or around Sector G.A.3, begin base lockdown!
From: Blaster (bebopbottrannet)
To: All addresses
Subject: BAD MUSIC!
badmusicbadmusicbadmusicbadmusic…-message interrupted, sender signal lost-
From: Wheeljack (kaboomtrannet)
To: Ratchet (cmowithahatchettrannet)
Subject: Got a live one!
I'm dragging Blaster in, those painted people are back. Blaster's sedated by the way and I think we can expect Jazz later, the Autopians must have some new broadcasting equipment
From: Ratchet (cmowithahatchettrannet)
To: Wheeljack (kaboomtrannet)
Subject: Re Got a live one!
Slaggit
0o0o0
From: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
To: Carly (technochicktrannet)
Subject: Stop panicking
Everything will be fine, love. Don't worry.
From: Carly (technochicktrannet)
To: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
Subject: Re Stop panicking
'Stop panicking' he says? STOP PANICKING!? Primus below Spike, we've got less than a week until the wedding and we've got the freaking Autopians camped somewhere in the forest outside the base! Mother's having a fit!
From: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
To: Carly (technochicktrannet)
Subject: Re Re Stop panicking
Carly, breathe. Have some tea. I'll call in some favours and see if I can make them go away, okay?
From: Carly (technochicktrannet)
To: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Stop panicking
Who on earth could possibly make them go away? I know Nana Caroline's tough, but I think these odds are long even for her. And all these great big alien warriors are too –scared- to head out there.
From: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
To: Carly (technochicktrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Stop panicking
Trust me : )
From: Carly (technochicktrannet)
To: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Re Stop panicking
Spike my darling, you know I love you, but you creep me out when you walk around and smile like that. You look too much like Sideswipe.
…and please don't tell me that thing was from your V costume.
From: Spike (autobotsquishytrannet)
To: Carly (technochicktrannet)
Subject: Re Re Re Re Re Re Stop panicking
I'll explain later love, I've gotta make a call then make a run into town. If I'm not back by tomorrow the Autopians have me.
0o0o0
Administrator: Internal system log
Subject: Outgoing phone call
Action: routed to secure outside line- recipient unknown
Transcript: Begin recording at 1302 hours
"General Hawk speaking."
"Good afternoon General, it's Spike here."
"Spike! It's good to hear from you son, how are things? Has something happened with the wedding plans?"
"Uh, about that. We've hit a bit of a snag and I was wondering if I could ask a favour."
"Sure, go right ahead."
"Can I borrow Snake Eyes and Kamakura?"