Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I do not have. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

Chapter Two

Three Months Later

"Hey, Daniel!" She bent her head over a schematics for a piece of technology recently recovered by SG-6, but really her thoughts swirled around how she could convince the general to accompany her and the rest of SG-1 to her most important mission yet- the family reunion. First things first, however.

Daniel entered her lab, barely glancing at the seemingly innumerably disorganized pages of notes scattered about. His office had more. "Need help?"

"Yeah…" she sat up and blinked several times. "Apparently there was some writing on the artifact- have you finished translating it yet?" Without thinking about it, she began spinning back and forth disinterestedly, her hand pushing the wheeled office chair into further rotations whenever she passed the desk.

"Um, as a matter of fact, I did," he said, consulting a sheaf of papers from under his arm. "It seems, strangely enough, to be related to an ancient Earth language I've been studying recently. The way it was written was similar, but comparing to the parts that were worn off made it a little hard to tell, but I think it said- do you hear that?"

She stopped, frowning. " 'Do you hear that?' That's what's written on it?"

Daniel shook his head. "No, I hear- a- scratching noise. It seems to be... coming from your wall." He pointed at the steel wall just behind Sam's head, behind which there was nothing but dirt for miles upon miles. They were, after all, underneath a mountain.

Sam turned around, and looked closely at it. "Now, what…?"

Suddenly, the wall shuddered, broke, and a figure fell through. It said something, but Sam couldn't understand it. It sounded like "Darrvitt", or something…

Daniel, seemingly without thinking, blinked and responded. The creature, which looked like a horribly mutated child, glanced up in astonishment. It then spoke again, and Daniel appeared to realize that he wasn't speaking English. Sam seized the opportunity to seize the creature, doing the first thing she could think of: she put a nearby cardboard box over it. When it chewed its way out in about three seconds, the last two being required to rehinge its jaw, she knew there was a problem. It was the archaeologist, however, who stopped her from calling General O'Neill with the emergency.

"Sam, don't! Look, it's got a weapon!" He pointed at an extremely threatening item strapped to the diminutive person's side, which seemed to be some variety of laser gun.

"He," replied the creature testily, removing the gun and pointing it lazily at the room's previously only occupants. "He has a weapon. The name is Mulch Diggums, Mud Man possession reorganizer. Careful, or… I'll shoot, or something."

"Mulch! What happened?" came a tiny voice from a machine beside where the gun had hung. "Who are you talking to? Was that Gnommish I just heard?" At this, Daniel gasped, dropped his papers, and then knelt to rifle through them while they were still on the floor.

"It all makes sense now.." he muttered, paying no attention to the ugly child as it confusedly explained the situation to someone named Holly, through what Sam assumed was some sort of radio.

"Hello?" she said, picking up her handgun from her desk drawer and pointing it at the distracted intruder, "Mulch". "A few quick questions and answers, if you will. I'm Lt. Col. Samantha Carter, and you've just, inadvertently I hope, broken into my lab."

At this, another voice cut into Mulch's radio. "Samantha Carter?" It nearly shouted, in a high-pitched sort of way. "Mulch, what are you doing in America? Put me on with her."

Holly seemed to speak again. "Wait, what? Are there others, besides Artemis…? Was she the one speaking our language?" Mulch just shook his head as the voices continued to argue, and handed his communication device over as the second voice had requested.

"Hello?" said Sam, while Daniel hastily stood and listened intently. "Who is this?"

"I'm Foaly, my dear, and I'm surprised you don't know about us. It wasn't you speaking our language, was it?"

"No, that was Dr. Daniel Jackson; what-"

"Can you put him on, please?" She blinked disbelievingly, handing the tiny object to her friend. She then, as Daniel excitedly spoke with the "Foaly" person, crossed to the telephone hanging on the wall and spoke with General O'Neill, requesting some back-up. There wasn't even very much shock in her voice, because she wasn't even very shocked. Afterward, she sighed and pulled out a brand-new filing folder from a cabinet, prepared to start yet another thick top-secret file.

"Fairies?" Jack O'Neill had heard of some particularly outlandish things in his days at the SGC, but this was one he had never expected.

Daniel Jackson sighed. There had been no better way to put it, but he wished there had been. "Yes, Jack; fairies. They live in a bunch of cities underground. They even have one underwater which they named Atlantis after the city of the Ancients who came and had dealings with them thousands of years ago. And yes, I can speak their language; I just always thought it was related to some ancient civilization whose origins I never knew. The one that broke into Sam's lab was a dwarf named Mulch, and he only got in because the steel plate in that area had never gotten replaced when they did the repair construction on that part of the complex. They just sheet-rocked over it, so someone like Mulch, who's like a mole, I guess, could bite through easily. Really, it all makes sense, when you look at it compared to… um…" He rummaged through his notes.

"Fairies?"

"They prefer to be called "The People", actually."

"Daniel, we're people."

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. This was going to take awhile.

Yet another month later

"Jackie!" Sam exclaimed, sitting daintily on the sofa beside both her niece and a veritable mountain of shopping bags. She looked up when she said this, because S.A.R.A.H.'s telephone system had neither hand nor ear piece, so the voice of the converse conversationalist was usually just piped into the room at large; consequently, Sam tended to glance toward the origin of the sound, if nothing else. Meanwhile, Zoe dug through the results of a strenuous afternoon at the nearest mall.

"Jackie," Sam said again, glancing at the girl on her right to get her attention. "I haven't spoken with you in forever; how are you? How's Rose?"
"How'd you get this number?" Zoe interrupted.

"Oh dear, who is this? Which question should I answer first?" responded a good-natured, but obviously spastic, British voice.

"It's me, Cousin Sam. And the other voice-" this said with a mock-stern finger-shaking at her niece- "Is Zoe, the cause of our upcoming family reunion."

"Oh, all right. I'm actually looking forward to it; I'm sure it'll be smashing. Dunno if Rose can come, though; she's probably… busy…she's the one who gave me this number; she's really good at finding things like that, you know…" Jackie trailed off.

"Yes, I'm sure." After that, they spoke on a few light subjects, introduced the two unacquainted a little more fully to each other, and essentially just caught up for about half an hour. Seconds after Jackie had hung up, and S.A.R.A.H. had done whatever it was that made the phone conversation end, Jack Carter walked in.

"What is this?" he nearly shouted at the department-store mess of his living room. His daughter ignored him, holding a dark blue peasant top against her front and wrinkling her nose when her aunt jokingly held up a striped maroon skirt next to it. So Sam responded.

"Fifteen years of birthday and Christmas presents Zoe never received," she said, pulling a sheer black blouse out of another bag and shivering as she pulled it on over her own little tank top number. "I asked her if she had any preferences, and she said you never take her clothes shopping."

"It was great, Dad," Zoe added gaily, "Except for this pink polo she forced on me."

"It's wonderful with those flats!"

"Only if I wear the skirt-"

"-Stop it!" This time, he really did shout. "I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and Fargo just asked me if my sister was single -ew- the answer to which I don't even know. Zoe, how long will it be until all these people come, leave, and Sam can stop coming over to help you "prepare"?" As his daughter opened her mouth to answer, he stormed out anyway, yelling that he didn't really care, as long as it was soon, which it was, in fact, not.

"S.A.R.A.H.!" They heard him say irritably in the kitchen. "I'm beyond hungry. What's for lunch?"

"The family has already eaten lunch," said the house venerably. "You failed to inform me that you were coming home for lunch. Colonel Carter remembered, and they had ham, potatoes, and green peas. There are cold leftovers in the refrigerator." Apparently he wasn't particularly cognizant of the finer points of cause and effect, because he just continued to rage after that. His daughter and sister, in the other room, merely went on without him.

"He'll get over it," Sam and Zoe said at the same time. "It just takes a little while." Then they laughed, and the latter began asking more questions about the other members of the family who were supposed to come, many of whom had already responded via the ever-dependable postal service. At that point, one of the subjects of their conversation made that day's second long-distance call.

"Hello?" said an ambiguously accented, gravelly voice. "May I speak to Zoe Carter?"

"Hi!" answered Zoe, barely looking up from her new pile of ebony apparel. "Who's this?"

"I'm… Butler, your cousin from Ireland. I have a few questions about security measures."

The rest of the afternoon consisted of Sam answering his questions, because Zoe wasn't certain of all of them, and an agreement to meet in a few weeks at the Carters' bunker to go over precautionary measures. Juliet was to fly up from Mexico to meet them. Apparently, Butler's charge was quite interested in meeting the former's family, and was unable to be dissuaded, though it did help that Butler's mother and Samantha's, being cousins, had been close friends growing up, so the two knew each other fairly well. Jack, upon entering, actually agreed to the entire ordeal, because he remembered meeting the Butlers a few times as a child before their mother's death, and recalled a liking for them. He even, in his sister's and daughter's prediction of optimism, offered to let Juliet stay with them until the reunion. This was all dependent on whether they could get Henry's permission to have a large group gathering so near such a secret facility. So long as it stayed in S.A.R.A.H. and the nearest town to it, Sam supposed it would be all right, with, again, proper security procedures.

Thus it went. A few weeks later, during a quiet period at the SGC, Sam visited for the third time, dragging General O'Neill, Daniel, and Teal'c along with her to greet the Butlers, and the elder's young responsibility, the Irish millionaire Artemis Fowl.

Jack (O'Neill) leaned comfortably against his truck; he and Teal'c had taken it, there not being room for all of them plus the security equipment in Sam's car. Sam considered him out of the corner of her shaded eyes, reflecting on how weak his excuse of having too much paperwork had been. He had actually wanted to come; she knew it. Maybe not having much of a family of his own made him want another vicariously, or maybe he just wanted-

The private jet landed in the Denver air port, only minutes after Juliet's flight. She and Zoe, shockingly similar in appearance, waved enthusiastically as two figures, one tiny in comparison with the other, emerged. They walked purposefully toward the small group, and Juliet greeted her colossal brother with a hug. Then he pointed wordlessly to the black sedan he'd acquired from one of his Colorado connections (Sam recalled thoughtfully as she got into her car that his line of work required many associations, but she hadn't expected any in Denver) with the indication that the open airport was too dangerous to stand about talking idly, so with promises of further discussion when they arrived near Eureka, the band left in their four vehicles with few words and in short order. Sam did, however, notice a nod of greeting and a hint of a smile in Butler's stern grey eyes.

They were all more at ease reclining in Jack Carter's living room several hours later, particularly Butler, because an underground bunker to which Sam had made certain he'd had the blueprints several weeks in advance was just generally safer than the airport, so he could let up his guard at least slightly. He even smiled a few times during the introductions, which the tinderbox to this big proverbial family fire had made.

"Okay, so I'm Zoe, and I guess I started all this- this is my dad, Jack Carter, and his sister, Samantha Carter; I guess we all know her, and these are…" Sam finished where Zoe got lost.
"General Jack O'Neill, United States Air Force, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c Murray. Juliet and… Butler, and…" she glanced at the palely serious, yet slightly amused-looking youth on the chair across the room. "Artemis Fowl?"

"Everyone, meet everyone," Zoe finished firmly with a flourish. She stood, spreading her arms wide. "Anyone care for a drink?" Everyone shrugged, and resumed staring awkwardly at each other, so Zoe sat again, looking curiously around.

Finally, though no one knew how, several conversations began at once. Butler, recognizing with approval Teal'c's obvious aura of a warrior, asked from which side of the family he came; Jack (not Carter) jumped in and said that he was from Mozambique, and that neither of them was actually a member of the family, but "co-workers" of Colonel Carter. Despite this small detail, the three got on quite well for a while regaling each other with glorious battle stories, each trying very hard to disclude the top-secret aspects of his story, but Teal'c working hardest to replace all words involving "Jaffa", "Goa'uld", or "staff weapon". Artemis asked Daniel a question about his doctorate, but his pale blue eyes barely flickered with interest when the response involved archaeology based under a mountain. Sam, Zoe, and Juliet spoke on the last's days in Mexico as a champion wrestler at sixteen, which Zoe found incredibly empowering, and Sam thought fit Juliet perfectly. Jack (not O'Neill) went to the kitchen to make a phone call he'd forgotten earlier.

Thus it went, until Artemis stood and coolly asked, in his nobly Irish voice, where their restroom was. Zoe looked up in surprise, having forgotten him, and looked at him fully for the first time. She smiled, said, "Yeah, over this way," and led him to it. Then she resumed her conversation.

Artemis stayed in there for quite a while. Eventually, Butler became somewhat worried, so Daniel offered to go over and ask if anything was wrong. He jumped up and walked in the direction the boy had gone.

"Holly, please!" He heard clearly from outside the door. "All of the research I have been able to do has come up empty. I know Butler's family are involved in several American things of top secrecy, because whenever I looked them up online, I ended up at pages too encrypted for even me to break into. Foaly is the only person who can find out what they're up to." At that point, Daniel forgot whatever the boy might be doing in there, and opened the door to find out what he knew about their various top secret affiliations. The names Holly and Foaly sounded vaguely familiar, too….

"What are you doing?" asked the archaeologist, who pushed his glass further up on the bridge of his nose and then folded his arms as menacingly as he could. Artemis sat on the edge of the bathtub and spoke into his smallest finger, the other stretched to his ear in a mockery of a telephone; he glanced up, surprised. However, it appeared that he deemed Daniel to be of little consequence, because after that, he just switched to French, explaining shortly that Butler's cousin Samantha's obnoxious archaeologist friend had just walked in.

"Que faites-vous ?" repeated Daniel somewhat testily. He could speak French, and this arrogant child shouldn't underestimate people. Artemis's eyes widened, and he changed to Russian.

"Вы делаете?" Daniel requested a third time. Artemis could try any language on or off the planet. Still, this continued for a few minutes, until the Irish boy finally smirked and began speaking Gnommish to this "Holly" person.

Daniel shook his head, sat on the toilet, and asked in Gnommish if they were going to quit this charade. At that point, the rest of the family (of which the two were not even members), congregated worriedly outside the open door. Perhaps they had both met with the same accident.

Upon hearing their conversation, Daniel's voice matter-of-fact and Artemis's astonished, Sam inquired as to whether they were speaking that fairy language of about a month before. At this, Butler himself appeared shocked. In a massive sort of way.

"Wow," murmured Zoe, kicking her dad surreptitiously. "How come we had to miss out on this type of cool family gathering? And they're not even in our family!"

Daniel responded. "I knew that name sounded familiar! Is that Holly Short? Artemis, listen to me; we know about them." He looked around for a sheaf of papers to refer to, but he had unfortunately left them all in his lab.

At this, the boy sighed bemusedly, asked Holly in English if he could call her back, and further, more in-depth introductions were made. The members of the SGC didn't explain their doings under Cheyenne Mountain, the Carters didn't explain about Eureka, and Artemis and Butler didn't explain about the former's former life of crime. Essentially, they all professed to be explaining everything, when really Juliet was the only one who came clean. This time, they just all knew that they knew about fairies. With the exception of Jack and Zoe Carter, who were discluded from the conversation because even they didn't have that much clearance.

In the living room afterwards, Jack Carter leaned back and rubbed his face with the heels of his hands. This was all by and large too confusing for him, which said a lot, since he lived a town full of insane scientists.

Artemis was still dissatisfied with the non-response about the Stargate program. He knew there was something going on still, but Sam would still only admit to deep-space radar telemetry; he didn't really care, though: he knew Holly and Foaly would fill him in later. Later, he would ask Butler just how it was that he was related to a scientific genius he'd never met, and Butler would reply that his young master never inquired of his family.