Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I do not have. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

Yeah, uh, sorry about the huge updating delay... I'm not good about that...If you ever decide I need to update this more often, pm me and when I've posted everything written I'll yell at my sister to write some more. Onward now.

Chapter Three

Yet another incredibly eventful but the author is too lazy to write about, month later

Day One of the Week-Long Reunion

S.A.R.A.H. was filled to brimming, and elated, or as elated as a Smart House could get. Finally possessing a real family to clean up after and care and cook for, she (the dwelling) regularly outdid herself in meal preparation for the duration of the extravaganza. Seventy-odd Carters and relatives of Sam's mother gathered with their friends in the fortunately spacious bunker and on the enormous yard area outside, bordered by a complex net of advanced holograms and force fields to prevent anyone stumbling into Eureka. Zoe and Juliet had spent weeks setting up a badminton net, basketball goal, miniature golf course, and ping-pong tables outside, and Jack (O'Neill) happily grilled to his heart's content to supplement S.A.R.A.H.'s efforts, though all of his menu items involved meat and/or beer.

"Just think, Butler," Artemis said as they strolled past a gaggle of little blonde girls arguing over who had hit the ball into the clown's mouth, "If your father hadn't married a woman of such far-reaching familial connections, we would not be here, at such a fascinating gathering, even if the females seem unaware of the fact that blonde hair is a recessive gene." He stepped lightly over a putter thrown in a fit of tantrum rage by one of the little girls, whose towheaded mother soon came to reprimand her.

Inside, Daniel attempted vainly to avoid a flock of barely pubescent girls, who were intent upon hearing about his Indiana Jones-esque adventures, most of which were classified anyway. He ended up hiding out in Zoe's room with several other male cousins and Sam's brothers, and they discussed sports, which wasn't much of an improvement; he eventually coerced a few of the brighter ones into a chess championship, making him the male intellectual life of the party. Sam, on the sofa downstairs, quickly finished a few equations she'd been putting off, and Teal'c played a long and humiliating (but not for him) game of table tennis with the general, who was taking a break from a strenuous afternoon of steaks and hot dogs. Zoe was ecstatic; all went as she had wished, and she got to meet what seemed like thousands of new people similar to her, in more than just hair color.

After a while, Artemis, now inside, walked over to Sam, sitting uninterestedly on the white settee beside her. She barely glanced up as she pulled the edge of her pale blue gauzy summer dress out from beneath him, and then continued along on her written train of thought. The boy then derailed it with a question: "Shouldn't that be a vector equation?"

"What?" Aside from the small dress issue, she hadn't really noticed the company. She barely heard him at all, filled as the room was with people and conversations.

He pointed to a place in the middle of a set of formulas, and repeated himself: "There- shouldn't that be a vector equation?"

"No," said Sam carefully, "It's about how gravity affects someone… under different conditions…"

"You still need the gravitational constant. Otherwise, your entire page of work makes no sense. Sometimes, it can be considered small enough to ignore, but it doesn't look like that's what you are getting at there." He looked up from the paper and folded his arms smugly. Butler had claimed to have a cousin or two as or nearly as frightfully clever as he was, and this one he had said was a physicist of some sort. Not much of one, obviously, if she didn't understand gravity.

Sam sighed, shook a strand of gold out of her eyes, and set her papers on the end table beside her in what space she could find between the beverage containers and suchlike. She turned to him.

"Listen, I'm a theoretical astrophysicist, and I'm trying to figure out how mass is affected by a wormhole, which -in theory- has neither gravity nor friction. I appreciate you trying to help, but really…."

"How do you know? Would one not be attracted to the interstellar bodies on the sides of the wormhole?"

"No." She tried not to grow more exasperated, especially since by this time other members of the family were beginning to sit down beside them. She knew that a few would even understand what they were talking about. "It's a bend in space, theoretically without much proximity to other celestial bodies."

"Unless the starting point and the ending point were in syzygy with another planet, sun or meteoroid, and then gravity would have an effect."

Sam sighed, yet again. The brat had a point. She recalled the time that SG-1's wormhole had passed through a sun, causing the planet's sky to turn red and the sun to nearly go nova. That had been a problem. Fortunately, Freyr had saved the day, as was the Asgard's wont. Again, fortunately.

The pale boy waited for a reply. He smiled again, thinking he had won, but not expecting a response from the woman who he thought conceited.

"Yes," said Sam frankly just as he had begun to get up. "You're completely right, it would. However, in this case, and theoretically, that doesn't happen- at least, not often."

It took a few minutes more before they were telling scientist jokes, but they did, and the other people around them began a few minutes later to join in.

"…and when the young chap at the counter asked if Descartes wanted French fries with his meal," continued Sam's kindly British uncle a while later, "he said, 'I think not', and disappeared!" Everyone laughed, Zoe included.

It was Artemis's turn to be ecstatic. He loved Butler's family, as he loved other geniuses. It was only too bad that so few were his own age, and that his bodyguard's cousin, who knew unfathomably about fairies and wormholes alike, was so shrouded in secrecy which he'd been unable to discover. In any case, he vowed to ascertain what it really was they were all doing.

"So, can I call him "Uncle Jack"?" Zoe asked Daniel hours later as they descended the stairs, she somewhat uncharacteristically skipping from excitement and he trying to hide a wad of bills in a briefcase. It hadn't been his idea to play for money; he had even discouraged it. Jack Carter should have known better.

"No… why?" he responded perplexedly. "Am I "Uncle Daniel"? Is Teal'c "Uncle Teal'c"?"

"No… I won't explain it to you, if you don't get it." She rolled her eyes at the idiocy of males, and went out to say good-bye to the last few remaining on their ways to the hotel the family had essentially reserved for the occasion. Sam and Mark, along with his wife and children, were staying with the Carters, surprisingly at Jack's request. He said that he and Zoe had missed out on too much with the rift between him and his siblings, and that S.A.R.A.H. would probably never forgive him. Jack (the other one), Daniel, and Teal'c were all going to the same hotel, which was why Daniel headed out with Zoe at that point.

Outside, the same exasperated towheaded mothers were dragging the same screaming girls away from the same clown, but more well-behaved relatives were saying their goodbyes for the day. One of Sam's favorites, Janice Cochrane, a tired-looking woman in the family way, kissed her on the cheek and agreed to meet her for coffee once she had the baby. "Unnamed," she said, proudly patting her stomach. Sam laughed, and watched her join the droves of cars leaving the September-twilit yard. Still many others sat on lawn chairs beside mosquito-prevention candles and seemed happy to stay, talk, and watch the stars come out for as long as they could.

One of the women sitting in a chair, coincidentally beside Samantha, had a fairly spastic demeanor and a British accent. Zoe had not met her before.

"Zoe!" Sam stood. "This is your second or third cousin, I forget which, Jackie Tyler."

The new woman stood and extended a hand, her teeth shining brightly white in the candle-light. Zoe recoiled from the glare, but took her new cousin's hand.

"Terribly sorry to come on such short notice; but I lost your phone number, and then when Rose finally got back to me with it again, I was already at the airport, and then…" Jackie grinned a little sheepishly. Zoe took one look at her good-natured spazziness and decided she liked her anyway.

"Tell me, Jackie," said Sam, "Did you remember to reserve a room in the hotel we mailed you about?"

"..The...hotel?"

Zoe sighed. "If she didn't reserve a room, there won't be any left. She'd have to sleep in, like, someone's car. Jackie, I'm sure you can stay with us. If you don't mind the sofa, I guess. Aunt Sam already has a cot in my room, and Aunt Melodie, Uncle Mark, and their kids have the guest rooms, so…"

"I don't mind at all! A car would be far less comfortable than… anything…"

Jack Carter reluctantly agreed to the addition, S.A.R.A.H. seemed nearly to have an aneurism from excitement, and the three women sat once more in a group with the others under the stars to discuss their lives, as women in a fairly matriarchal family are wont to do.

Daniel strolled out of one pool of garish electric light and into another, this one containing the other two members of SG-1. They were, once more, playing ping-pong.

"Agh!" yelled Jack, jumping for the ball and missing. He backed into another man who had just come around the bunker, apologized, picked up the small white subject of the game, and narrowed his eyes at the carefully not-smug Teal'c. "You did that on purpose," he said.

Teal'c blinked his eyes innocently (or as innocently as an ordinarily menacing Jaffa could be) and stated calmly, "Your turn to serve, O'Neill."

The man Jack had bumped into widened his eyes, stepped forward, and asked in yet another excited British accent if they were playing table tennis. Neither warrior was willing to pause the battle for a second to answer, so Daniel did for them, in the affirmative.

"Ahh…" said the man, "I love this game."

Daniel was just a slight bit, as usual, perplexed. If this man was another of Sam's relatives, then wouldn't he know that there had been a ping-pong table in the corner next to the "house", or "bunker", or whatever it was for quite a while? But then, he did seem to be a little more intelligently dressed for the weather than the others. Everyone else wore shorts, T-shirts, and the like, even though it was September; this man had on a warmer tailored pinstriped suit.

"Who's winning?" asked he in the suit.

Again, the archaeologist answered, but this time with a small grimace and a finger pointed in the direction of Teal'c, this due to the fact that the General grew still more agitated the more the score rose against him. He walked around, pulled the man away by the shoulder, and whispered once they were out of earshot, "He gets touchy about these things."

"Ahh." Once more, knowingly British.

"Soo… I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson." He extended his hand.

"Doctor..." said the other distractedly.

"Doctor who?"

At that moment, another blonde girl came from behind the bunker, and smiled at the doctor in the pinstriped suit.

"Soo… where or when are we?" she asked, completely ignoring Daniel.

"About that…" said the doctor, looking at him questioningly. The archeologist raised his eyebrows. This was some sort of joke, wasn't it? Eureka was top-secret, and one doesn't just stumble across family reunions. And how could they not know the year?

"It's 2004. You're at the Carter family reunion, on Earth, I guess… don't you know that?"

"Oh!" The doctor, whoever he was, clapped his hands. "Fantastic… we're in the western United States, I'd guess…" he began muttering to himself and wandering around in a small circle, and the girl walked up to Daniel and smiled, her enormously white teeth nearly blinding him.

"Sorry, he gets that way sometimes," she grinned again. "Rose Tyler."

"Daniel Jackson," he responded curiously. "There's a Tyler over there who said her daughter's named Rose. Is that just a coincidence?"

It wasn't. As they spoke over such issues, the "Tyler over there" heard the name Rose and glanced up. The Rose she heard of and saw was, in fact, her prodigal daughter.

"ROSE!" The spastic, blonde, British, and yet very loving mother ran over to her fairly shocked daughter, who had never in her entire life expected to accidentally attend a family reunion. She didn't much like them in the first place.

"MUM?"

By this point, Jack -O'Neill, that is- had taken interest. He turned away from the current source of his misery, cocked a hand on his hip, and asked, "So… you didn't know she was coming?" He obviously thought Sam's cousin an exceedingly responsible parent.

"Well, no… I didn't know if she could make it, that is, well…" that flustered her.

All of the shouting and carrying-on had attracted the rest of the people gathered on the lawn, who were now limited to the Butlers, Artemis, Zoe, Sam, and her twin brothers. They listened intently as the scene unfolded.

"What's going on?" This was Zoe. Her party was taking a turn for the stranger, and she at least wanted to know why. Not that she didn't revel in the excitement. "You're my cousin Rose, right? Did you ever RSVP?"

"No… I don't think I got an invitation."

"Well, stay the night here, I guess… I wouldn't ask you to go all the way back to England or wherever just because of the stupid Postal Service, which, by the way, kind of sucks anyway. I mean-" she glanced at her father pleadingly- "You can stay if Dad says you can."

"Well," said Jack Carter in a tone of complete and utter confusion, "I guess, since we know you, and your mother already is, and it's family, and you have nowhere else to stay, and… who's this guy? Your boyfriend?"

"No!"

"No!" The man and Rose answered vehemently in the negative at the same time, looked at each other, looked away, and then looked at the Carters. Awkward silence.

"Well, thank you," said Rose eventually. Since it was settled, the men-folk started to wander off, and Jack and Teal'c continued their game of ping-pong. Sam and Zoe stepped a little further into the circle of light cast by the large yard-candle, and inquired as to the name and nature of Rose's not-boyfriend, who seemed a little old for her tender nineteen years anyway.

"Dr. John Smith," he said with a winning smile. Zoe rolled her eyes, muttering something about how very ordinary that was. Something sparked behind Sam's eyes, but no one noticed, because they all noticed something sparking behind the brown ones of the good doctor they questioned, namely, as he looked at his companion's cousin Samantha.

Daniel folded his arms. Weird was weird, and part of his daily life, but this was kind of creepy.

"Okay, I'm Daniel Jackson, and this is General Jack O'Neill, and Teal'c Murray. We're Sam's… colleagues. Sooo… you're Sam's cousin Rose," he looked at Rose, "and you're, who?"

"The Doctor," said Sam with a grin.

The Doctor sighed, not unhappily. He could never get anything past Sam.

Daniel also sighed. He was so very confused.

Zoe, the last to sigh, did. "So…what?" She crossed her arms annoyedly.

Rose just stood there and shook her head as Daniel asked, "Doctor who? Smith?"

Instead of answering all of these valid questions, and possibly making this twilight confrontation easier, Sam and the man of questionable profession simply stared at each other. This was all until Jack (both O'Neill and Carter, incidentally) tapped her on the shoulder and demanded, "Carter?" and "Samantha?" simultaneously.

"It's hard to explain," she finally replied. "Maybe we should go inside."

"Indeed." This was not Teal'c, but Artemis, who was beginning to resent the mosquitoes on his vitamin D-deficient, sensitive skin. He also resented not feeling like he had any clue of what was going on, which he didn't. Butler resented this man's ability to infiltrate the secure perimeter, though an earlier surreptitious mechanical sweep had shown him to be clean of weapons- except that one blip, but that was probably just interference from all the sonic activity going on in Eureka.

Once inside the bunker, and seated somewhat crampedly in Jack Carter's living room, Zoe took charge, rubbing her hands together excitedly. She rather liked having such a huge extended family, strange though it may be.

"Do we have to do the introductions thing all over again?" That part was getting annoying. Meanwhile, Mark and his wife excused themselves to put their children to bed.

Unfortunately, they did do the "introductions thing" all over again. Once Sam had introduced her friends to Rose and Jackie, and Jack had introduced his daughter, the staring commenced again at this "Doctor". He smiled charmingly, and held up a leather wallet with an announcement of his name and title.

"Oh!" exclaimed Daniel, while Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and Jack and Zoe Carter pretended to be knowledgeable. "You're the famous diplomat John Smith! Dr. Weir told me all about you once, when…" Suddenly, he noticed a funny look on General O'Neill's face.

"I may need glasses or something," said the confused-looking Air Force officer, "But I don't see anything. Just a piece of paper stuck in your wallet."

"What are you talking about?" asked a sudden, snotty Irish voice. They had all forgotten about Artemis. "It says right there, 'Dr. John D. Smith, United Kingdom…" he stopped, because he, like Daniel, noticed a strange expression on someone's face. It was Sam.

"Well, Doctor," she leaned back with a grin. "Looks like you'll have to take it from here. It's hard to fool the General." The General, who, along with his archeologist friend and second-in-command's cousin's ward, was quite confused. And everyone else.

The Doctor, however confused he may have been, grinned even wider than Sam. "Brilliant!" he said, shaking his head. Then, he held out his hand to O'Neill, who responded to the handshake offer with a doubtful look and a disinclined participation. "Would you happen to have any… psychic experience? Training? Anything?"

This was too much for General O'Neill, of course. Disentangling his hand from that of the good doctor, he faced Sam and demanded, "Carter, what's going on here? You seem to know as well as anyone else. Please, do tell."

She coughed quickly and was serious again. Glancing from one face to another in this ring of family members and associates, she was somewhat unsure of what to do. How much clearance would this situation require to explain? Moreover, who here had it?

"Well?" asked Artemis as Mark and Melodie Carter came downstairs. "I am not particularly familiar with military protocol, but if you are a Colonel, and he's a General, then that was an order you should follow."

"What?" asked Mark Carter, sitting. Melodie merely said good-night and went back upstairs to sleep.

"Carter…" repeated Jack O'Neill warningly.

"Yes?" responded a distracted Sam, Jack, Mark, and Zoe. Just then, as fortune, fate, and luck would have it, Mark's cell phone rang, so he held up his finger and went to answer it in the kitchen, as all polite people in usage of such devices ought to do. Her brother thusly gotten rid of for the moment, Sam attempted to explain all to those present, with the quick assumption that there wasn't really clearance high enough for this, so she needn't limit herself.

"All right," she began, as General O'Neill sighed exasperatedly and leaned back. "This man," she gestured anticlimactically toward he of the pinstriped suit, "is The Doctor." There was little to no reaction from either the rest of SG-1 or the Carters or the Butlers, but rather, from the unrelated Artemis Fowl.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "The Doctor!" He seemed ready to have an epileptic fit. Sam seemed merely amused, and nearly spoke again, but Artemis did: "You see, I've had Torchwood hacked for about five years now, so… are you really The Doctor? Last I knew, you didn't really have… well…"

"Hair? Or at least, big hair?" asked The Doctor brightly.

"Precisely. Regeneration?"

"Of course. New face, same man, sort of."

"Meaning?!" asked Jack and Jack at the same time. Daniel's head was in his hands, Rose and Jackie Tyler, as well as the Butlers, appeared annoyed, Zoe was excited, and Teal'c, well, he just sort of raised his eyebrow to show that he was generally opposed to the confusing goings-on.

Artemis smiled thinly. Finally, he knew more about what was happening than anyone else. Except, of course, for Jackie, Rose, Sam, and the Doctor himself.

"I'm a Timelord," he said cheerfully. "Rose is my companion, these days."

"Wait… you're an alien?" asked Jack (Carter, of course).

Teal'c frowned. Which was really scary, so it was good that Jack didn't notice.

Zoe glanced about, and then raised her hand. "Why are you telling all of us, then? If you're an alien or whatever, shouldn't you be a little more secret about it? I mean, you just told a room of like fifteen people, most of whom are your "companion" 's relatives. I mean, really!"

Rose cocked her head and looked at the Doctor. "Keeping it in the family, are we?"

"In a sense. Except for those fellows, I suppose." He gestured toward Artemis and his entourage.

He was about to say more, but Mark Carter came in, apologizing profusely. "I had to take that, business, you know," he began, as his sister stood up and clapped her hands in a "we're-finished-now-it's-too-bad-but-actually-we're-lucky-that-you-got-distracted-and-didn't-have-to-be-involved-in-our-top-secret-conversation-and-get-your-memory-wiped-or-sign-a-contract-or-something" kind of way. Sort of. Not that Mark knew it.

"You know what?" asked Zoe, getting the hint and showing an impressively acted tired expression. "It's probably time we all went to bed. I mean, it's like one a.m., and everyone else will be here really early tomorrow morning, and lack of sleep sort of sucks. Right?"

This was a good excuse for everyone, and the group broke up so quickly that eventually only Mark, Sam, Rose and the Doctor were left standing in the living room. Awkwardly. Mark glanced questioningly at his sister, who just introduced to the well-dressed newcomer as "the Doctor, Rose's friend". Rose and her friend smiled winningly and went outside, where Mark assumed their car was. They wouldn't just sleep outside, would they? Sam had disappeared.

"All right, then," said Mark Carter, standing alone in the middle of his brother's top-secret (though he didn't know it) living room. He loved his family, but no one in it ever seemed to be able to explain much of anything to him. They all always acted so secretive. Oh well, he was probably just imagining it.