Le note from Le Author: Ahem. Okay, so there are a bunch of things wrong with this to make it work, so I'm going to just let anyone who is as nitpicky as I am know that we're assuming here that the whole Eureka thing actually takes place in 2005, not 2006, (ish) so's to coincide with Season 8 of Stargate, (this takes place roughly right after the end of it) that there isn't the whole "the-world-knows-about-aliens-because-of-the-Christmas-Invasion" thing from Doctor Who, that Zoe Carter's natural hair color is actually blonde, and most things with Artemis Fowl are just different and wrong; if you find something chronologically wrong with anything, it's probably because I had to tweak it to have fun. And fun is more fun than accuracy, right? Anyway. Bear with me.

Kay, so disclaimer the next: there is a new reference here that, if you get it, you get virtual invisible cookies. Woo hoo for you. It'll be completely wrong, again, chronologically, but is any of this real anyway?

And sorry for going forever without updating. I really am just that lazy.

Artemis was ecstatic. Again. He had finally figured out the secret of Butler's cousin Samantha and her friends, despite their impressive ability to hide it under that mountain in Colorado. He walked up to the woman as she stood beside the stove, smiling slightly as Jack, and not her brother, either, attempted to make omelets. Every time, he decided there just wasn't enough beer. Or meat. Teal'c was eating the rejects.

"So, how is Torchwood?" asked Artemis casually, leaning against the counter next to Sam.

Sam didn't look up. "Torchwhat?"

He rolled his eyes. Playing dumb didn't work on him, because he had done it far too often to get what he wanted. He was, after all, only fourteen.

"Torchwood, Ms. Carter; I'd been reading hints of a planned underground installation, but I didn't expect it to be this soon, or even in this country."

Jack set a plate of "perfect" omelets on the table, pride gracing his features. "What's this kid talking about, Carter?"

"Honestly, Sir, I haven't the faintest idea."

"Don't lie to me; how else do you know the Doctor?" The boy was gloating. A lot. And then Jack wanted to know how she knew the man with apparently no actual medical degree or form of identification, Teal'c ate another omelet, and Daniel walked in to find out what everyone was doing.

"We met once, is all…" Sam said desperately. Everyone looked at her. "Okay, the previous Doctor, actually."

That didn't help. "Carter, you do not just meet random aliens outside of Roswell, New Mexico. Who is this guy? How many of him are there? And what's with the questions about my psychic training? I'm not exactly Miss Cleo."

"And what is a 'Time Lord'?" asked Teal'c.

Artemis explained for her. Everything. And snottily. There was only a trace less self-assurance in his voice, and that was only because he now believed SG-1 in saying they didn't work at Torchwood. He hadn't actually cracked their mystery. There was another thing he had to know now, though….

"How did you meet him, again? The online files into which I hacked don't have you listed as a companion."

"I almost was, though…" Sam said softly, her voice trailing off…

"You can come with me, you know…it'll be fantastic!"

A small, sad smile. "Thanks, but I actually have a job now that may someday take me to other sides of the galaxy without the TARDIS or any ship."

"Oh, you found that silly little ring those other fellows built? I'll bet it's not this comfortable."

"I don't know, it doesn't even work yet."

"See? But I'll bet if anyone can make it work, you can. Brilliant, you are."

"Thanks."

"If you're sure…it'll be just us two doctors, and the universe is a very big place."

"I know. Believe me, I do. I hope you find what you're looking for, because I think I have."

A last grin, a waving of the hand, a flash of light, and he was gone. For years, she looked for a blue police box on every planet, and she never found one. But that was all right, too. SG-1 was her life now.

"Aunt Sam, all the other people are coming again!" Zoe ran in, slipping in her socks on the hardwood floor. "What did we have planned for today?"

Shaken from her reverie, Sam glanced at the flustered teenager before her. Juliet stepped in behind her. She grinned. "More of the same, except S.A.R.A.H. wanted to make chicken today. And you have to meet your cousin Rose properly."

"And that doctor guy. What's up with him?"

The colonel glanced at the other inhabitants of the kitchen. "It's a long, complicated, confusing story. Maybe someday, I'll tell it to you."

Later that afternoon, the party was in full swing. Daniel had found some uncle-cousin-nephew-in-law of Sam's with a degree from Cambridge who had read his theses on the Giza pyramids, and said that he had always secretly thought they were landing sites for alien ships too. Daniel was very careful to speak in theories. Teal'c sat with Butler again, and both discussed various forms of violence while scanning the security of the area. Jack O'Neill beat the Doctor at ping-pong. Badly.

Sam introduced Zoe to more of the British side of the family, including but not limited to old (but still blonde) Aunt Susan, who was entertaining some of the younger children with stories about her childhood in the second world war. Zoe thought that Aunt Susan acted batty and traumatized for some reason.

About midday, Fargo came from Eureka to "inform Sheriff Carter of something", or, as Zoe said, "stalk Aunt Sam". He took the long way around the party, that which brought him by the colonel, and then hurried on past after discovering her to be surrounded by a group of about five men who were all far more formidable and good-looking than he was.

"It was just Teal'c, Daniel, General O'Neill, the Doctor, and Butler," Sam told Zoe after this observation was amusedly brought to light. Jack Carter just sighed; he had never liked how comfortable his little sister always seemed to be around other boys, and how she never found anything odd about it.

Zoe walked around to the back of the bunker, having seen her cousin Rose go off in that direction, and was somewhat shocked to discover what looked like a big blue telephone booth sitting in the middle of her backyard. Then, that doctor man, who was apparently an alien, but no one was freaking out about it, walked out of it, and Rose, and Jackie, and… how many people were going to fit in there? And what was it doing in her backyard?

She didn't have much time to wonder, because suddenly there was a nearly blinding flash of light, and Zoe heard screams. She turned around and ran.

"Dad! Dad! What was that?" Sheriff Carter had no better idea what was going on than his daughter -they were right by Eureka, after all, and his sister seemed to draw trouble- but he started ushering people inside the house anyway.

"Yes, Janice, everything's fine; I think it's one of those freak weather things, you know… Jared, yes, I know, I'm actually a U.S. Marshal, so I'm qualified to handle emergency situations… get inside kids, that's where your parents are right now… I know, it was weird, wasn't it? Some sort of lightning, I'm sure of it, but let's get everyone inside in case it happens again…"

Zoe refused to go inside with the little children and random relatives. "What if I can help?"

"I really don't think any of your fortes would be helpful right now."

"You mean, we're not going to need to steal any cars or listen to death metal? Dad, be serious; I'm not a little kid!"

They were interrupted by the ringing of Jack's cell phone. At the same time, phones all over the front yard were ringing, and even Artemis Fowl, standing in the protective shadow of the Butlers in a corner scoped and secured days before, was talking into his finger.

"Yes, Henry, a blinding flash of light! Well, no, I'm not actually blind, but it was really bright. Okay, a really really bright flash of light. Yes, I'm sure I saw it! Everyone in my entire family saw it! No, Sam's on the phone with one of her top-secret people right now. I know it's my job to find out what's going on, but I just wanted to know if any of your wacky machines were to blame!"

"No sir, yes sir. I would recommend you come outside, and bring Daniel. Teal'c saw it, and he says it doesn't look like any Goa'uld technology he's ever seen, but then, that doesn't say much, because… I know. No, I don't think it's any of my "wacky machines," sir."

"Holly, I'm still in Oregon. Yes, in the United States. Butler's family reunion. Yes, he has a family! In any case, we just saw an extremely bright, short-term flash of white light. Butler's cousin has been telling everyone it's a weather issue… no, not Samantha Carter, Foaly. What do you know about her? Don't all speak at once. No, Foaly, it isn't one of my "wacky machines!""

"Mum? Mum, stay inside. There was just a really bright flash of light, and the Doctor's investigating... he has one of his wacky machines out. Yes, I know, but I'll be fine. He's with me, after all. And do you know anything that could possibly hurt me while I'm inside the TARDIS? Don't answer that. Anyway, stay inside, because it's like a fortress in Jack's house, and he says there isn't a safer place on earth. Lucky us, eh?"

"Melodie? It's Mark. Yes, you probably know my voice by now, sweetie, I'm just a little frazzled. Honey, I have Cinda, is Beth inside with you? Good. It's nothing to worry about, I asked Jack and Sam, and they both say there's some freak weather thing… don't start the military secrecy, thing, honey, they're in different branches. Of course the house is safe, have you seen the lightning rod on that thing? I'm sure if nothing else, Sam works with weather stuff all the time, and could make some wacky machine to test whatever's going on. That's her job. I know, yes… I'll bring Cinda in in just a minute."

When she was finished with her phone, Sam looked around her to make sure everyone had gotten inside. There were a few mothers dragging little girls inside S.A.R.A.H., but other than that, there were only her brothers and their daughters, her cousin Rose and the Doctor, her cousins Juliet Butler and Just Butler –that was what Zoe called him, "Just"- and their charge, and Teal'c. Then she noticed Aunt Susan still sitting in a lawn chair looking at the sky. Sam walked over to her, and her brother (not Jack) met her.

"Sam? I'm taking my daughter inside. Could you call me the second you know what's going on?" Colonel Carter nodded vaguely, mostly hearing Aunt Susan's mutterings about hearing a horn. Mark shook his head. "Say goodbye to Aunt Sam."

Suddenly, Cinda Carter spoke up. "Aunt Sam? Aunt Samantha… Carter?"

"Um, yes, honey, that's what we call her, unless she's changed her name. She certainly isn't Sam Shanahan." Luckily for him, Sam didn't hear that part.

"…Daddy?"
"Yes?"

"Do you have a mirror?"

Sam looked at the eight-year-old strangely. "I do."

The blonde little girl looked in her aunt's compact, her eyes widened, and she said two words it seemed she had said before, although one couldn't quite be certain of when.

"Oh boy."