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Senior Year: The Reunion

Chapter 2

Carmen's point of view.

We all have moments in our life that help define us. Moments that leave an imprint on your life, on your view of the world. Moments that help you decide or discover who and what you are. Are you strong or are you weak? Good or bad? Many moments that all help you answer those questions, that help shape and mold the person you're inevitably meant to be.

I've had a few of those moments in my life.

Some were small in the grand scale of things, some where instantly life changing. Some made me happy and some made me sad. Actually, some of the happy moments led to the sad moments. I guess they're all entangled in the end, all connected somehow. Each had an affect on the next.

Still, there are three moments that stand out in my life.

The first time I fell in love.

The first time I had my heart broken.

And...well, I'm leaving the last one for later.

The first time I fell in love, I never meant to fall as fast or as hard as I did. I mean if I had had any choice in the matter I don't think I would have ever let myself fall in love with her, but I did. I loved her, Kyla. God, I loved her so much. I was blind and stupid with love. I wont lie though, it was probably the most exquisite feeling in the world.

I can't say I regret it. I simply wont ever regret it, because it was the purest, most genuinely good feeling ever born in this sad excuse of a heart I have. I've never felt that strongly before and it's never happened since.

So for a short, heavenly moment I was completely happy. I didn't know it at the time, but that feeling would save my life not two years later. That brief memory of happiness, the proof of it's existence was my salvation if you will.

God, I'm getting so soppy in my old age, but it doesn't make it any less true.

So I guess that brings us to the second moment, the first time I got my heart broken.

Okay, it's more like the only time I got my heart broken. I like to think that I've learned from my mistakes after all. So what can I say about that whole experience?

It wasn't fun. Actually, it pretty much obliterated me. I can't describe the disappointment, the pure ache that pulsed though me when it happened. It's unique in it's devastation. I was numb and broken for a little while, but everything still hurt so acutely at the same time. I felt everything and nothing. I ached and bled on the inside, while I walked and talked and functioned normally on the outside.

Still, it taught me something very important about myself.

I was strong. I could cry and hurt, but I could still live my life. Give me time and I can put all my pieces back together again and come out better assembled than before I was broken. That too would come in helpful later, when everything was at it's worst for me.

Love and loss made me who I am today while violence helped shape my form.

In the end, the more you hurt me, the stronger I am. That's what the most important moments in my life has shown me.

Still, sitting up in my big, empty bed and watching Spencer walk out of my room I don't get that I'm at the edge of another defining moment. Not that we ever realize it, right?

I shake my head and look around for the coffee Spencer mentioned and almost sigh in relief when I spot it. I'm such an addict when it comes to the stuff.

I'm figuring Spencer's PMS-ing or something, because in the two years or so that she's been living in my attic, I've realized that she's a bit of a bitch that time of the month. I mean loads of Rocky Road is needed to soothe that savage beast!

I'm only half way through my coffee cup when my alarm goes off and I pull myself out of bed. Mornings are never my favorite. Mornings mean a teary eyed three year old that doesn't want to get up and a suddenly quiet, hormonal twelve year old that seems to be possessed by the devil. You never know if you're getting a smile when you wake her or a pissed off moan.

I'm so never having kids of my own one day.

I trudge down the hall to my first young victim, pushing the door open and just staring at the little boy sleeping in his bed.

He looks a lot like my sister, all dark eyes and hair and easy smile playing on his lips even as he sleeps. I guess if I had to have kids one day, I'd like one like him. I mean thank God he doesn't have my sisters personality though, then it would be another story completely!

I push the heavy, dark hair off his forehead and lean in closer, kissing his cheek softly like he likes it. He stirs a bit, smile widening and I find myself smiling too.

"Come on, Tommy, open your eyes. It's time to get up."

I give his cheek another kiss, my fingers drifting lightly over his forehead and he sighs loudly as his eyes pop open. He almost immediately starts pouting and rolls over onto his side, away from me and the light shining through the bedroom window.

I smile and leave him be for now, knowing he's up and by the time I come back from his sister's room he'll be ready to get some breakfast.

I hesitate before Julie's bedroom door, dreading the moody teenagers reaction to being woken up. She used to be such a sweet kid before the hormones kicked in. I roll my shoulders once before knocking on the door, pushing it open a second later.

"Julie? It's time to get up, sweetie."

I get a stuffed elephant against the forehead for that.

Hmm...guess that means she's possessed-by-demonic-forces Julie this morning. Lovely. I miss Julie who watched Sesame Street and still wet her bed, she was nice at least.

"Okay, right. I'm going to get breakfast ready now, so be down in a few minutes, Okay?"

Simba the lion hits the door as I close it. I love how her once beloved stuffed animal collection is now used as weapons of mass destruction.

So...back to never having kids of my own.

God, I can't wait for Liz to get back. I mean I know I volunteered to watch the kids for her and it's not like I don't have help and all, but it's not always easy. What can you do though? I mean my sister gets a good job and suddenly she's needing to travel around for almost three out of the four weeks in a month. She's family, so I help out.

At least Spencer's here to help keep me sane. The kids adore her and she's one of the few people Julie will listen too these days.

Hey, thinking about Spencer...

"Hey, Spence? Where you hiding?"

The front door is open and I wonder out, finding Spencer leaning against the porch railing and staring at a card in her hand. It's the same card she read before sinking her freaking talons into me. For some reason a chill runs down my back.

"Spence?"

She jumps a little in surprise and I almost snort out loud. Great cop instincts there, Spence. I mean hell, I was shouting her name in the house a minute ago and she didn't hear me coming?

"Uh...Carmen? You know you're not wearing any pants, right? You're giving Mr Taylor over there a show."

I swivel round and see our old as the hills neighbor smiling like the cat that stole the cream before looking down on myself.

Old Berkley shirt and panties.

CRAP!

I bump my big toe on the way back into the house, biting my bottom lip to not yell from the pain. Gah! This morning is just starting to suck big time. I need more coffee and I need it quickly.

Spencer follows me into the house with a half smile, heading for the kitchen as I head to the bedroom, the search for track pants on. I've got one leg clothed and the other still bare when Tommy starts crying and I find myself hopping towards my bedroom door, pants being haphazardly pulled on.

The door swings open and misses my head by an inch, the whoosh of air actually ruffling my hair a bit.

"Tommy's crying."

Then Julie's down the hall and heading for the kitchen where I hope to God Spencer is making breakfast. And another pot of coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

I've got Tommy sniffling on my shoulder when I walk into the kitchen, only to find Julie smiling like a little angel at a slightly distracted Spencer. Bet she'd never try to bash Spencer's head in with a door. Freaking teenagers...

"Julie? Will you please take Tommy for a minute, I'm trying to have a chat with Spencer."

Spencer gets another big smile, I get that teenage patented go-fuck-yourself-and-die look. I cringe when I remember I only grew out of giving looks like that when I hit nineteen or so. Man, this was gonna be a loooooooong seven years.

Tommy and Julie settle in the lounge, cartoons blaring from the tv, as I step over towards Spencer.

"Okay, so you're freaking me out. Did you get a severed finger in the post or something? Picture of Glen's bare ass? What?!"

Spencer sighs and I'm getting so impatient I feel like slapping her upside the head, but these days that could lead to her snapping my wrist or something. She's a super cop now after all, but sometimes I still forget that and just see the old, goofy Spencer. The one I could slap upside the head with no problem.

Ah, I miss those days...

"It's stupid really..."

Right, it's so stupid that she almost draws blood from me and spends five minutes on the front porch looking as white as a sheet afterwards.

"Spill it sister!"

Spencer rolls her eyes and hands the card she's been looking at to me. My eyes flick over it quickly, taking in the words but somehow not processing them. I blink once, then twice and finally it sets in.

"Oh hell no! Forget it, I'm not going! Here, take it, I don't want anything to do with that!"

I shove the invitation back into Spencer's hands, my heart beating like crazy and little fuzzy bubbles appearing before my eyes.

High school reunion my ass!

Spencer's staring at me with big, confused eyes and a mouth half hanging open. So okay, maybe I kinda, sorta blew up there for a minute, but can you blame me?!

"Uh...I wasn't saying we should go, Carmen. Christ, calm down, you're almost hyperventilating!"

I am not!

Except, yeah, I kinda am. It's just...

Kyla...

I plant my ass on the ground and my chin in my hand, frowning down at my toes as I inhale and exhale deeply. No need to freak the kids out by fainting or something.

Spencer settles next to me, rests her head on my shoulder and sighs.

"I thought I was gonna throw up for a second or two when I saw it."

I nod my head, pretty much understanding a hundred percent how she feels.

"Yeah...that was...unexpected somehow. I mean, it's just..."

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, not a situation I find myself in a whole heck of a lot being a lawyer and all. Still, what am I suppose to say? What am I suppose to feel?

High school wasn't the best days of my life exactly. It was torture most of the time, having to sit those last few months and watch someone I cared about, someone I loved against my better judgment, as she played the perfect girlfriend to her oh so perfect boyfriend.

I mean I've put that all behind me, locked it away deep inside where it couldn't hurt me anymore and now this invitation just ripped everything open again. Four seconds of reading a few simple sentences and it made everything flash in front of my eyes again.

Kyla panting in a shower as I kissed her. Kyla steeling my sandwich out of my bag and smiling as she insults me. Kyla sitting at a kitchen table telling Spencer it was just a mistake.

"Yeah, it was unexpected. I mean, I haven't thought about...her...in such a long time and now this..."

Spencer's voice is soft, the shadow of an old hurt in her voice. She can't even say Ashley's name and that thought makes my heart hurt for her. She feels guilty about so many things, so many things that were never her fault, but she could never see it that way.

What happened back then, between her and Ashley, the night that Clay died and the night...the night I was...

None of that was her fault, but she never believed me when I told her. Never believed her father or her mother or Glen either. Spencer just took all the blame on her too slender shoulders and that was that, the burden was hers to carry in her eyes.

I put my hand on her shoulder, the only thing I can think to do in this moment. A small comfort I know wont help much, but she's my best friend and I can't not do anything.

"So, we're in agreement that we're not going then?"

My voice is naively hopeful, because something tells me that deep down, Spencer wants to go. Maybe even needs to go, because of Ashley and what happened between them.

Me on the other hand, I can't go. Under no circumstances can I go back there and chance seeing Kyla again, not after the last time I saw her.

I can't, because it would only make me remember that night in the hospital with her face so close to mine, her hand tracing my bruised cheek as she literally cried over me. I can't, because all that would do is make me remember...

It would make me remember the last, most important moment that made me who I am today. The moment that I lost myself for a little while, where I was shattered into so many tiny little pieces that I thought I'd never be whole again.

The moment I finally broke down in a hospital bed the night after I was raped.

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