As always I don't own, so don't sue.

Senior Year: The Reunion

Chapter 5

Spencer's point of view:

Two weeks.

That's how long I've been struggling with this decision. Two weeks or fourteen days or...uhm...a bunch of hours. Point is I haven't had a good night's sleep since I got the invitation and the strain is starting to show. I basically look like crap. Dark circles under my eyes, pasty white skin and hunched shoulder's because of spasming muscles. Yup, you ever watched 'Adam's Family Values'? Well I look like good old Uncle Fester...except I've still got hair.

The point I'm trying to make is that this Reunion thing is driving me crazy. I'm thinking about things I haven't thought about in years. Reliving nights and days and conversations that's both breaking my heart and strangely warming it. Every time I close my eyes at night I'm bombarded by another image, a memory, that I've successfully suppressed for the last eight years. When I do sleep, there's the dreams.

God, the dreams kill me.

Sometimes I'll dream about Clay. About Indian summers back in Ohio or weekends spent driving aimlessly around in Los Angeles with him and Kyla back when they dated. Mostly though, the dreams are about Ashley. I'll dream about her voice the first time I ever heard it or about nights in her father's beach house. I'll dream about her hands on my skin, her lips whispering how much she loved me in my ear and the smile on her face when I kissed her nose. She used to love when I did that.

Then I'll wake up and lay there staring at my ceiling while my heart simply...aches. It aches, because I threw all of that away. Me...no one else.

I guess many things led up to me breaking it off with her. So many tiny things that when taken on their own doesn't seem like a big deal, but put together...it was just too much for me. Now that I'm forced to look back on everything, it all just seems so tragically silly really. Sometimes I wish it had been something big and dramatic like I fell in love with someone else or Ashley cheated on me, but in the end it was just life getting to me.

In the beginning when I went away to school everything was good. Ashley was so supportive of me heading off to Boston, so sure me going to Harvard would in no way affect our relationship. In the beginning I thought so too. I mean we loved each other so much and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds to break things off. It would be long distance for us, no question about it.

Of course we promised to call and email and visit as often as possible and we did do all those things in the beginning. It was easier for Ashley than it was for me though, because she had the money to fly over for a weekend if she felt like it. Problem was that Harvard was nothing like I expected.

I was never a lazy student, to be honest I enjoyed school immensely, but University was...so much more difficult than I ever expected. I got homesick after a few months and to my horror I wasn't doing all that well in many of my classes. I was taking strain that first year and I was just missing everyone. I'd never been away from my family for any extended period of time ever. I was the youngest in the family and was used to having my parents looking out for me as well as Glen and Clay in their own way. In school I had had Kyla and then Ashley and Carmen who was always around. At Harvard I had no one.

I didn't make friends easily in University. People were all so busy adjusting and I was never one for the party scene, so things got lonely pretty quickly. My phone calls from home and Ashley was all I had and after awhile...it wasn't enough. I packed on the Freshman pounds and spent all my time studying to become something I didn't have the slightest inclination to be. Me becoming a doctor was my mother's dream, hell, even Ashley pushed me into it, but it never really appealed to me.

I ended up being pre-med simply because I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do and everyone else seemed to think medicine was perfect for me. So that first year was hard, but it only got worse in my second year.

Ashley had stayed in L.A to study film and she was insanely happy doing it. The things she was learning, the experience she was gaining, was something that I became resentful of. I was jealous of the time she spent helping a professor out with a documentary he was shooting in the summer after our first year and just generally pissed that it meant I saw her for only two weeks when I'd been missing her for so long.

So I went back to school and everything just...spiraled out of control for me. I fell behind in classes, picked up even more weight and steadily fell into depression. I was trying my best to hide all of this from my family and from Ashley, after all they had been so proud of me to begin with, that I just worked myself to death.

Then Ashley canceled a weekend visit and I just...snapped. She had no idea how things had been going for me, had never mention the weight I picked up and had been the perfect girlfriend when we did spend time together, but I was still insanely disappointed when she couldn't come.

So I blamed her for everything. For my failing grades and my weight, for my loneliness and for my depression. I blamed her and accused her of not caring about me anymore, of rather wanting to spend time with her school buddies doing crappy films than seeing me and ended it.

I still remember the absolute quiet that followed my words.

When she did speak, her voice had been soft and persuasive, but I was too far gone. She begged and pleaded with me to see reason, threatened to fly up that very minute and shake some sense into me, but I wouldn't hear any of it.

I told her I didn't love her anymore, that I hated what she did to my life and that I never wanted to see her again...

I heard a sob and then the line went dead. That was the last time I spoke to Ashley Davies.

After that everything fell apart. I stuck around in school another three months, failed my midterms and called it quits. I went home with my tail between my legs and my heart broken because of my own stupidity. My parents didn't take it well, but there wasn't much they could do about it. I was a mess and anyone with eyes could see that.

I tried pulling myself together and realized that what I did to Ashley had been a mistake and set off to fix it. I was ready to set things right with her, to beg and plead her to forgive me and take me back. Thing is Ashley hadn't waited for me to come to this realization.

I went to her apartment one night ready with flowers and a speech to explain everything to her. I got more than I bargained for when a half naked girl opened the door.

I had stood there for a second, my brain processing what I was seeing and then realized that whatever I had with Ashley was definitively over and I had no one else to blame but myself, so I ran. I hadn't run fast enough to avoid hearing Ashley's voice drunkenly calling out to the skinny brunette to get her ass naked and in bed though...

Too this day I don't know how I could have been so stupid to believe that Ashley would have waited for me. I knew her, knew how she dealt with things. Alcohol and sex had been her life before me and it was again afterwards. I was the one that had pushed her away, that had thoughtlessly lost the most beautiful thing in this world.

As corny as it sounds, I'm the one that threw our love away.

So I ran from her building, shame at my actions three months ago and self hatred almost blinding me, and went in search of something to numb the pain.

I found something alright, but God knows I'm still paying the price for it today. We all are.

I sigh as I sit up, turning to see the display of my alarm clock.

3 Am.

I'm about to just collapse back into bed when I hear the creaking of a door from below. I want to ignore it, but it could be one of the kids, so I get up and head downstairs. I find Carmen in the kitchen, her back resting against a counter as she stares out the window into the moonlit yard.

"You look miles away."

She doesn't jump in fright or gasp in surprise, just nods her head a little and keeps staring out the window, so I walk over and lean against the counter opposite of her. She looks pensive I guess, standing there with her eyes narrowed and unblinking.

"It's not your fault, Spencer. Nothing that happened that night was your fault."

I've heard her speak those words a thousand times before and like always I ignore them as I try to change the subject.

"Why aren't you in bed?"

She sighs as she shakes her head, strands of dark hair sliding over her shoulders. Then suddenly her sharp eyes are on me and I feel the irrational urge to twitch like a naughty child seconds away from being scolded.

"I phoned the school yesterday and confirmed your attendance at the Reunion. The principal was thrilled to hear you'd also give a speech to one of the classes about life as a policewoman and everything that entails. There's about twelve or so from our graduating class doing the same thing, I think he mentioned someone that went into politics, a fireman and even a clown. Go figure."

She turns away from me then and walks over to the kettle, switching it on.

I have to suppress the urge to walk over and strangle her. She had no right to do that!

"Why in God's name did you go and do something like that? I told you I wasn't interested in going!"

Carmen keeps her back to me, busying herself with filling two cups with sugar instant coffee.

"I did it, because even if I can't ever convince you that me getting raped or Clay being killed wasn't your fault, maybe I can help you understand that what happened with Ashley wasn't all your fault. I'm not going to lie and say you don't hold some responsibility there, but God knows it wasn't entirely your fault. You need to forgive yourself for being human and making a mistake and if saying sorry to Ashley helps you do that, then that's whats going to happen. You're going even if I have to drag you there myself."

She turns then and hands me a cup of coffee, steam rising from the rim and heat emanating from the mug, warming my hands as I cradle it. I don't say anything, not sure what I can say at this point, so Carmen continues.

"I want you happy, Sunshine, that's all and I know that deep down you want to make all of this right. That's why you do what you do for a living and I know it's helped some, but until you make things right with Ashley you'll never be able to start putting all of this behind you."

I roll my eyes, because that's utter crap. I've put everything that's happened between me and Ashley behind me a long time ago, hell, these last two weeks is the first time I've thought about it in years!

"I am happy, Carmen! What happened between me and Ashley is long forgotten. I mean do you honestly believe I'm still letting something that happened that long ago interfere with my life? Please, that would be pathetic."

Carmen smirks and it's not a nice one. I'm pretty sure that's what she looks like when she rips her client's spouses to pieces in court. God, divorce lawyers can be scary!

"You're happy and you're over everything that happened between you and Ashley? Then tell me Spencer, when was the last time you actually dated someone for any extended period of time? When was the last time you told someone you loved them and meant it?"

The cup stalls halfway to my lips, my hand shaking a little as her words sink in. I've just been busy with work these last few years, trying to make detective and all, that's why I haven't really had a serious relationship! How can she twist that into something it's not? I mean, there have been woman in the last few years, it's just never felt right. It's not that I'm pining over Ashley or that I'm still feeling guilty, really it's not!

I mean...it's just...it's not that, okay!

"You can't hide behind me and what happened to Clay forever, at some point you're going to have to stop being a coward and face things. You need to get a life Spencer and you need to start by going to that Reunion and seeing Ashley!"

I slam my cup down and don't care that coffee splashes everywhere or that the noise could wake the kids. I'm just too pissed off right now.

"How dare you call me a coward!? Everyday I put my life on the line, everyday I go out there and do what I have to do to keep everyone safe, to make sure that what happened to you and Clay doesn't happen to anyone else, so where do you get off calling me that?"

Carmen snorts and another cup of coffee is slammed down. She steps closer to me and I can see a mixture of pity and anger on her face.

"You think that's being brave? Spencer, for the last few years you've been trying to kill yourself by jumping in front of bullets or chasing after criminals alone. You take risks that shouldn't be taken, all because you don't think you deserve to live as much as the next person. You haven't let yourself find someone and be happy, you put everyone else's needs in front of your own and go on like you don't...like you don't have the right to be happy!"

She stops and there are tears in her eyes, her lips drawn tightly together as she breathes deeply in through her nose.

"You can't pay for what happened all those years ago with your life, Spencer. You can't do that to me and you can't do that to your family. I...we all...we need you, Sunshine."

Then I'm in her arms and my eyes burn with unshed tears, because I never once thought how what I do could be affecting everyone around me. Do I think my life is worth less than say Carmen's? Yes, because she's fought hard to be where she is today, she's taken every opportunity that came her way, while I've messed most of them up.

I got into Harvard and flunked out. I had the girl of my dreams and lost her. I had a family that was there for me, but I was too ashamed to ask for help and that got my brother killed and Carmen raped.

Not a day goes by that I don't think it should have been me that got raped or killed that night and yes, that's why I take risks at work, but it's not so that I can get myself killed. I do it, because it's the only thing I could think of to justify me still being here.

I might not have a life like she's pointed out, but hopefully someone else has, because I've done my job and put someone dangerous behind bars.

"I...Carmen, I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just...I need to do my job, you know? I won't ever be happy if I know I'm not doing every single thing I can to make sure you're safe, that my family is safe. I need to do this, but I promise you now I'll be more careful, okay? No more stunts at work, no more visits to the hospital...and yes, fine, I'll go to the stupid Reunion."

Those words are running through my head as I tackle the teenage boy that made a run for it out of class. Imagine my surprise when I step into a classroom at King High to give a speech, in full dress uniform I might add, when some kid suddenly jumps out of his seat and starts screaming that he's just holding for a friend and that 'the stuff' isn't his.

The stuff being a bag full of weed and various tablets and little star shaped stickers that I'm guessing is lined with acid or something. He dropped the bag halfway down the hall and I kinda kicked it, spilling the contents. That just made me run faster, 'cos the little bastard was obviously dealing right in the school yard or something!

I hate assholes like that!

So I was pretty motivated when I finally caught up to the kid in the parking lot, not taking a second to think about anything other than stopping him.

Hence the tackling...and the landing on the wrist thing again.

I'm not sure if it's broken, but I'm betting I've cracked it this time. Carmen's going to fucking kill me!

I get up and plant my knee on the kids back, right between the shoulder blades. He's cursing and kicking like a donkey, but I sit tight as I cuff him, pain radiating through my arm up from my wrist. Crap, I think it might be broke. I blink hard, trying to keep my focus as I hear footsteps approaching fast. When I look over my shoulder I spot the teacher, a young guy built like a brick wall, coming up to us fast, the bag of drugs in his one hand.

I sigh in relief and pull the kid up with my good hand, shoving him face down against a car's hood.

"Uhm...could you maybe hold him down while I...uhm...call for someone to pick him up?"

The words are barely out of my mouth when school security shows up. God bless big, burly men in security uniforms!

They're on him in a flash and I step back, pretty sure I'm going to either start crying in public or pass out. White hot, searing pain is making me nauseas and my wrist is already swelling. Yup, I'm thinking I definitely broke it this time. Ha! Maybe they'll have to take me to the school nurse, that would be nifty, 'cause she used to be hot if I remember correctly.

I turn and then the urge to simply pass out really kicks in, because standing a little ways away is none other than Kyla Woods.

And right next to her, a frowning Ashley Davies.

Right, the universe officially hates me.

- - -