For anyone still interested, here's an update for you. To those that read and reviewed the last chapter, I'm grateful as always to hear from you guys. I appreciate your patients with me and my stingy updating ways.
Senior Year: The Reunion
Chapter 14: I get by with a little help from my friends.
Ashley's point of view.
Oh sweet Jesus, why did I ever think drinking my sorrows away was going to help anything? I mean I've been doing it for years now and it's yet to give me anything but a momentary release from the crap floating around in my life, so why do I do it?
Ugh, it's 'cos maybe my teachers all those years ago were right, maybe I'm really not all that gifted in the thinking department. The pounding of my head and the ache in my stomach is punishment enough though, it really is. This time I may actually mean it when I say I'm never drinking again. I mean miracles happen, right?
At least the food is helping. Carmen and I decided to just order sandwiches when Kyla and Spencer made their impromtu escape to the bathroom almost twenty minutes ago. We haven't talked much since then, me mostly processing everything I've learnt about Spencer's life in the last two hours or so and Carmen seemingly genuinly more interested in shoving her meal down her throat than talking to me. That's okay though, because I'm not sure anything she has to say to me would be anything other than a threat right now.
"You have crumbs on your cheek."
Or it could be a polite warning that I have food all over my face.
"Uh...right."
I run my napkin over the area quickly and then look up carefully, not sure where I stand with Carmen after everything that's happened in the last two days. Carmen had never been scared to tell me where I could shove it, not even when we were friends years ago, so I know she wont hold back today. She sure as hell didn't this morning, but then I guess I needed to hear that, didn't I?
"She wants to be friends."
I'm not sure what's possessed me to blurt that out, other than the fact that I'm scared shitless at the prospect of having Spencer in my life again and there's no one else to tell that to right now except for Carmen.
"And you're already peeing your pants at the prospect?"
I nod vigorously, my palms sweaty with relief at having admitted it to someone else. I'm not much of a talker, I tend to sit and drink and brood, but sometimes I need to say things out loud or I'll maybe burst. Usually I say those things to Kyla, but the cause of all my concern has gone and bloody well dragged her away somewhere to do God knows where, so I'm making do.
"Yes, God yes! I mean I understand where she's coming from, I really do, but this is a disaster in the making. We can't just be friends all of a sudden!"
Carmen cocks her head, takes a sip of her soda and then leans back, her eyes narrowing as she stares at me.
"Why not?"
Why not?! There's a hundred million different reasons why we shouldn't be friends, besides the obvious one where we broke each other's hearts and all. Our history is a painful one and I don't want to be reminded about that, I don't want to be reminded of everything I lost back then, it just hurts to Goddam much.
"Because it's...it's too complicated."
Saying it's complicated is maybe even an understatement in this case. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this, because I don't honestly know how this is supposed to work.
"You know what's complicated? Suddenly dating a woman whose currently getting divorced and also happens to be six months pregnant. That's kinda complicated. Being friends with someone you used to date eight years ago really isn't if you compare it to that. Besides, this way you can maybe go about things the right way and not fuck it up like you did the first time 'round."
Okay, if she says it like that, my panic sounds maybe a little childish. I'm freaking out, I'm fully aware of that, but I honestly believe I've got a right too. This isn't as easy as she's making it sound, because...
Because as angry as I've been with Spencer, I still...care about her.
It's why I couldn't stand her begging in the changing room, it's why I agreed to be her friend, because I didn't want to see her crying. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she's obviously been hurting in these last years, but I don't think being in each other's lives is going to help that.
"Don't over simplify it like that, Carmen. You know as well as I do that things aren't as straight cut as you make them out here. And what the hell do you mean by doing things the right way?"
Carmen sighs and leans forward, her eyes sweeping around us quickly and then settling on me again.
"I'm not really over simplifying things, you're just making things overly difficult. I'll agree that what happened back then had serious repercussions, people got hurt, but you need to go on with your life, Ashley. You and Spencer are both just drowning in the past, aren't you? I'm guilty of doing it too in a way, but I've done better and I've moved on. I'm tackling my complications head on and enjoying the ride, you know?"
She's quiet then, a small smile playing on her lips and I know she's thinking of Kyla. I'm envious of her easy forgiveness, of the way she's seemingly pulling herself away from what happened all those years ago and grabbing onto what's on offer today. And it's true what she's saying, what happened between her and Kyla may in a way be even worse than what happened to me with Spencer. Carmen got raped, she was violated and hurt, Kyla married a man she didn't love and lived a lie for years, while Spencer lost her brother. Me? I just got dumped.
Still, despite all that, they're the ones willing to move forward and I'm the one still sitting here scared shitless...
"As for what I meant about doing things the right way this time? Back then you and Spencer didn't become friends first. Sure you got friendly, but then it was suddenly this mad, passionate love affair. You had a few months together and then she went away for school and maybe that was just a bit too much without a firm platform to base it all on. From what happened between you it's obvious you both didn't know each other as well as you thought."
Did I know Spencer? Was she my best friend during the time when we dated? Did I really know everything about her and vice versa?
God, I don't think I can honestly answer yes to any of those questions, as absurd as it sounds. I did talk to Spencer, but it wasn't anything like the talking we did that day at my beach house when we made love for the first time. We just went from there like everything was perfect, like being together made everything magically right. I guess it's part of the fantasy you have as a teenager, how once you find love you don't need anything else. How you don't have to work at it to make it last.
"You're saying it wasn't enough that we loved each other back then?"
Carmen gives a helpless little shrug, a sliver of sadness and regret flashing across her face as she smiles lopsidedly at me.
"If love alone was enough, Kyla and I would never have...well, I guess I can't say broken up since we never officially got together, but you know what I mean. I'm saying I've learnt this the hard way myself, Ashley, I didn't know Kyla back then and it got me hurt, but it's not going to stop me from getting to know her today. So I'm not saying do what we're doing and fall into each other's arms, I'm saying give Spencer a chance to get to know you and for you to get to know her. You two owe that to each other."
And maybe it is as easy as that. Maybe the girl I thought I knew never existed, because the girl I remember was one that left me and broke my heart in a seemingly heartless manner, but the woman Carmen told me about on the steps earlier, the woman that begged me to be her friend in the changing room today, she doesn't seem anything like that girl.
I can't handle falling in love with Spencer Carlin again, but maybe I can handle being her friend. After all, that's all she's really asking from me in the end.
"I think I can do that. I think...maybe it wouldn't be so bad, as long as things...as long as she doesn't want..."
I don't know how to say it, how to let Carmen understand that I can't be anything more to Spencer again, other than a friend. I understand now that she wasn't the only one in the wrong back then, but all that has really done is added guilt to all the feelings of anger and resentment that comes with remembering the past. I'm still just really fucked up over the whole thing.
I almost jump out of my seat when Carmen lays her hand over my own, not just because she startled me out of thought, but because she was never a touchy feely person to begin with.
"She's not going to ask that from you, because I don't know if Spencer will ever forgive herself enough to be able to do that. I think maybe her asking you to be her friend was already more than she thought she deserved."
I'm shocked at how acurate Carmen is, at how well she seemingly knows Spencer, but I guess that's what happens when you've been friends and roommates for so long. They have a history all of their own and it's something I'll have to accept if I want to be Spencer's friend, because I get the feeling that Carmen is a very permanent fixture in her life.
"And what you should take from that, Ashley, is that if you ever get to a place where you want more from her, you'll have to make the first move."
Before I can say anything, before I can even react or process her words, Carmen stands and smiles warmly as she pulls out a chair for Kyla. Then Spencer is dropping down onto the chair next to me, and across from Kyla, and she's smiling bright eyed at us.
"Spencer and I are best friends again!"
Kyla actually claps her hands together and squeals a little, all the while bouncing in her seat like a four year old. If that wasn't funny enough, the indignant look suddenly blooming on Carmen's face as she looks over at Spencer would have done it.
"Well, I don't think I've ever been replaced that quickly before as best friend, Sunshine."
Spencer snorts and rolls her eyes, giving Kyla a slightly scalding look before slapping a hand down on Carmen's shoulder.
"Stop pretending you're one of those girly girls that get jealous of their friends, because A: you're not and B: she's not my best friend, she's just applying for the position of second best friend."
Before Kyla can say anything absurd and hormonally driven, I put a hand up and sniff loudly.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure I got the job of second best friend a little while ago, so technically speaking, she's applying for the position of third best friend."
Carmen bursts out laughing and murmurs 'Good Girl' my way, while Kyla pouts and crosses her arms, Spencer just sitting there and blinking rather dazedly.
"Uhm...wow. I don't think anyone's ever fought over who gets to be my best friend. I mean I was the kid that got picked last for a team in gym and stuff. This is a pretty new experience for me."
Spencer gets a piece of tomato in the face courtesy of Carmen for her comment, while I find myself laughing along with Kyla. It's kinda nice, just sitting and joking for a change. The last few days have been pretty heavy, I've done and said things I'm not proud of, but this here is a chance at changing that.
Spencer was right, maybe I do need her. Maybe I need all of the woman sitting around this table with me, to remind me that things aren't always dark and painful, that I can move on from my past without leaving everyone from it there. Maybe I need someone like Carmen who isn't afraid to tell me the truth, no matter how much I don't want to hear it, and maybe I need someone like Kyla who pushes me into things, even when I'm too afraid to do them.
And maybe I need someone like Spencer, who reminds me of how blind I can be, of how far I can let myself fall, so that I don't make the same mistakes again.
All in all, this isn't turning out to be such a bad weekend after all...
* * *
So the not drinking thing didn't last, but I feel marginally better about that fact since both Spencer and Carmen are seemingly trying to drown the horrors of this night in wine as well. If Kyla wasn't pregnant, I'm pretty sure she'd be drunk off her ass by now too. Okay, no one's actually drunk, but I think we all wish we were.
The school assembly hall looks like a scene out of every corny reunion movie you've ever watched. There's streamers and balloons strung up, pictures of all the students from back in highschool displayed against the walls and out dated music playing in the background. The music I can still stand, but the tacky streamers I could have done without. Also the fake friendly assholes that keep coming up to our tables wanting to reminisce about the good ole days are starting to piss me off.
First off, I didn't even like half of them back in highschool and and secondly, most of them treated me like I had the Ebola virus after I came out. So the sudden wave of friendly faces around the table is leaving me a little cold. I think it has more to do with the fact that Patrice is semi well known for the few films she's done and the fact that Kyla keeps trying to make out with a rather mellow Carmen.
Our table is putting on quite the show you see.
At least Glen seems to be having a good time, after recovering from the shock of seeing me with his sister again that is. Not that I'm with Spencer or anything, because obviously I'm here with Patrice, but the whole trying to be friends thing is in full swing and we all decided to sit together. Which is going surprisingly okay really. I thought I might have problems with Patrice, having screamed out Spencer's name a few weeks ago during...well, during orgasm and all, but I think I may have lucked out.
Patrice is enjoying the not so subtle fan attention she's receiving and playing the part of the perfect girlfriend. She hasn't mentioned a word about last night, about fucking like a bunch of wild monkeys and me then disappearing and that suits me just fine. I'm not proud of that night and it's not something I want to experience again soon.
"Your friends are...interesting."
There's a lull in the fawning fans for a minute and it seems like Patrice has finally taken an interest in our table mates. Hmm...I'm not sure I'm happy about that.
"They're good people."
I catch Spencer's eye across the table and smile as she grimaces, her eyes flicking to her date and back and then she downs the rest of her wine in one gulp. Glen set her up with Cindy, whose twin sister Mindy just happened to be his date. Their bust size pretty much over shadow their IQ's if tonight's conversation is anything to go by.
They make Paris Hilton sound like a riveting conversationalist.
"Hmm...you know, your little friend Spencer is quite the looker, if you wanted to take her home and play for a little while, I wouldn't be against that."
I almost choke on my own tongue at the thought. Sure, we've done that before in the four months we've been together once or twice, taking someone home with us for the night and all, but to even imagine doing that with Spencer...
God, the thought is so dirty and wrong, and not in the good way, that I actually wish I could scrub out my ears and just unhear those words. Besides knowing that Spencer would have a heart attack at just the suggestion, I can't bare to even imagine having to watch someone touch her, or kiss her, or...do stuff to her. I just...it makes me kinda nauseous really.
"Uhm...no, that's a really bad idea. She's not that kinda girl, Patrice, so don't go there. This isn't why we're here tonight."
Patrice shrugs elegantly in supplication, but she keeps looking at Spencer in a way that makes me uneasy. It's a calculating look, but there's a little bit of lust thrown in there that makes my skin crawl. I'm not sure what she's thinking, but I know she's thinking something and it occurs to me that maybe she hasn't forgotten my little vocal slip all those weeks ago.
Before I can do anything, or say anything, a strained silence falls across the table and I find myself looking away from Patrice to see what's going on.
"Well, aren't you all looking happy and cosy?"
Time, unfortunately, has treated Madison Duarte well. She's as busty and curvy as ever, and by the sounds of it her attitude hasn't changed much either. Oh Joy.
"Beat it, Madison."
Spencer's tone is even and calm, her eyes steady as she stares at the woman who seemed to hound us all those last few months of Senior Year. Madison just smirks and cocks a hip out, flipping her hair back over her shoulder.
"Oh, I'm so shocked, here I was always thinking you were the polite Carlin, Spencer."
Spencer smirks right back, but it's not a nice one, it's not a look I've ever really seen on her face before. Just kinda reminds me again that I don't know the woman sitting across from me all that well. That's the point of becoming friends though, right?
"Hmm...once, maybe. Now I'm the Carlin that can legally shoot you."
Carmen seemingly snorts half her drink up her nose at that, making Kyla crack up laughing, while Madison stands there and swallows air for a second.
"Excuse me?!"
Spencer just sits there and cocks her head to the side, giving Madison a long look before snapping her fingers once.
"Oh, right, I forgot you're a bit slow on the uptake. I said I'm the Carlin that can legally shoot you. I'm a detective see, and they give us these things called guns that go bang and gives you big boo-boo's. I'd be glad to demonstrate for you if you still don't understand?"
Spencer helpfully extends her arm out and uses her thumb and forefinger to imitate a gun going off, all the while pointing her finger straight at Madison's chest. By now Carmen is actually slumped against Kyla, her face red from laughing as we all watch Madison stand there dumbly.
Cindy and Mindy are shifting in their seats, not sure what's going on, but the tension in the air actually breaking through the fog of stupidity floating around them. Glen's just sipping his drink in what seems like gleefull anticipation and Patrice is picking at her nails in boredom.
"Uhm, Spence? Walk me to the bar?"
I'm not sure why I interrupt, because the crowd is obviously waiting for some bloodshed, but I remember Spencer's offhand question this morning about whether she could bring her gun with tonight...
"Sure, I could do with some more wine. Cindy...uh, or Mindy, would you like another glass too?"
Spencer seems genuinly confused about her dates name and I find myself laughing as I drag Spencer out of her seat, not waiting for the bimbo date to answer the question. We make it all the way out of the hall before we collapse against a wall and laugh. Spencer actually bends over, her arms wrapped around her stomach, and I just lean my head back and howl.
"Oh God, her face, Spence! That was...that was just..."
I laugh so hard at the memory of the stunned look on Madison's face that I can't finish my sentence, I just helplessy lean over and continue laughing.
"Yeah, I know...I thought she was going to have a stroke or something! God, that felt so good, I've been dreading seeing her again, but I just realized when I saw her she's nothing but a miserable bitch I used to go to school with, you know? She's just...a non factor in my life. Why should I be afraid of her then?"
I nod, agreeing completely with that statement. People like Madison are small minded, anal retentive, emotionally constipated morons that doesn't deserve to impact our lives in any way.
"Yeah, I see what you mean. Still, I don't especially want to go back there."
Spencer finally calms and leans casually against the wall next to me, her face turned up towards the sealing as she nods.
"Yeah, me neither, I think just sitting next to Mindy...or Cindy, whatever, is making my IQ drop."
I find myself facing Spencer, a smile playing on my mouth, and she turns to stare right back at me. I don't know how long we just stand there, music drifting back out to us from inside the hall, but it's a long time and for some reason it doesn't feel weird. We just look quietly, as if by mutual consent we let the other see the changes that eight years has brought, let ourselves become reacquainted with the other's face.
"You want to sneak up to the gallery and make fun of all the other losers here?"
I think about it for a second, figuring as ideas go it's not a bad one really, and then nod my head yes.
"Sure, but maybe we should scour for some provisions first?"
Spencer cocks her head to the side and gives me a smile, the image so much like the one I remember from years ago that a dull ache bleeds across my chest.
"What, like more wine and some Ding Dong's, 'cos that's all they got in there, Ash."
I just roll my eyes and drag her back inside, braving the masses of swaying bodies on the dance floor as I elbow my way to the bar. I don't bother asking the harassed looking bartender for the drink, I just kinda lean over the makeshift bar and feel around under the counter until I grip something bottle like. I'm pretty chuffed with myself when it turns out to be a bottle of lukewarm champagne. Spencer is simply stuffing her arms with Ding Dongs and those little packets of peanuts that seem to be found in all bars and airplanes across the world.
It doesn't take us long to sneak up the gallery, to find a spot where we can crouch down and have a clear view of the dance floor and tables below us. Spencer drops down quite unceremoniously and sits on the floor regardless of the beautiful dress she's wearing. I take a moment to look down on her, to take in the gently curled hair over her shoulders and the sun browned tint of her skin. She's exquisite, this woman that once loved me. I mean Spencer was always beautiful in my eyes back then, even when she was over weight, she'd still had a quality about her that just took me in.
Now though, it's like she's finally completely comfortable in her own skin, like she's found a confidence that she lacked before. I'm just sad that it took tragedy in her life to bring this out of her.
"You just going to stand there, or are we popping that champagne, Davies?"
I join her on the floor, back against a seat behind me and wiggle the cork from the bottle. I smile smugly when I pop it without spilling a drop, until I realize we didn't bother with glasses.
"Uhm, I guess we're roughing it?"
I raise the bottle and offer it to Spencer first and she takes it, puts her mouth to the rim and slowly sips the bubbling liquid.
"Thanks, but I better slow down, I'm supposed to drive Mindy or Cindy back home tonight."
I take the bottle and sip, keeping my eyes on the people down below us doing what looks like the funky chicken of all things.
"Are you going to spend the night with her?"
It's not a question fueled by jealousy, I'm simply curious to see if this is the kind of thing Spencer does nowadays.
"No, I don't...I'm still not much for one night stands, you know? Actually, I don't even date much these days, with work and all."
I feel a tinge of guilt when I realize I'm happy to hear that, because I was serious when I said earlier that I can't imagine having to watch someone else touch her or kiss her, the idea really does turn my stomach.
"You like what you do?"
Spencer gives me a look, takes a bite out of a Ding Dong.
"Are we playing twenty questions?"
I nod my head yes and she just smiles, takes the bottle from me.
"Fine, yes, I like what I do and I do it pretty well despite what Carmen might say on the subject. It's meaningful, what I do. I have a sense of purpose I never really had before, I feel like I belong when I walk into the precinct. As hard as it is to see what I see everyday, I can't imagine doing anything else."
I take in her words, the way her face is serious as she speaks them and I realize that Spencer is happy in her own way. Maybe not personally, but as far as job satisfaction goes she's set.
"I'm glad you found that, Spence. I mean I get it, you love your job, that's something I can understand."
It's true, we seem to have that in common, because as unhappy as I've been in these last years, I've been fortunate enough to do something that gives me maybe the only true joy I've had in the past years.
"You do?"
I find myself turning to Spencer, find myself becoming excited to share this with her, this one thing that I can be proud of in my life.
"Sure! I mean I love what I do. I love taking my camera and showing the world everything, showing them the ugliness and the beauty there is. I mean that's why I'm still partial to making documentaries, because it's about the truth, you know?"
Spencer seems lost in thought, then she smiles and passes me a Ding Dong.
"You know, it's funny Ash, but in a way we both do the same thing. We chase the truth, no matter where it's gonna lead us."
We're both quiet for a moment, just absorbing the strange similarities in our lives. As much as I always thought we were different back when we were dating, here we are now...both driven by the same need. Sure, the truths we chase are very different, but I like that it's at least something that we share.
Spencer takes another sip of the champagne before turning back to me.
"Do you think we're getting a little drunk and..."
I smile as I interrupt her, strangely knowing exactly what she's going to say.
"...philosophical?"
Spencer just laughs and looks away and I find myself feeling nothing but comfortable in the quiet between us. This shouldn't be so easy, it shouldn't feel completely natural to sit here with the woman who hurt me so long ago and have a perfectly nice conversation.
But it does and I'm just insanely grateful for that.
"Oh hey, look, Carmen's making Kyla waddle around with her on the dance floor." I lean a little forward and spot the two woman swaying together despite Kyla's pregnant belly between them. "What do you think about that by the way?"
I can only laugh and shake my head as I lean back and glance over at Spencer.
"Aw hell, all I know is that my crazy, hormonal sister wants Carmen and I feel sorry for anyone that comes between her and what she wants."
Spencer smiles goofily, the drink finally catching up with her and I find myself mirroring the look as she speaks.
"I think it's nice. Carmen deserves it."
Before I can reply, my eye catches someone making their way towards the swaying couple and I know instantly that this is going to be trouble, because the person is Aiden.
"Oh shit, Aiden's here."
Spencer looks slightly alarmed as we both lean closer to the railing and peek down to where Kyla and Carmen are now standing staring at Aiden. An obviously drunk Aiden.
"Come on, Ash, let's get down there."
I don't argue, even if I immediately morn the loss of our little private hideout. Things were going really well, we were talking and not freaking out or hurting each other. It was a nice change from every other conversation we've had these past two days and now things are going to get tense again, I just know it.
I don't realize I'm holding Spencer's hand until we reach the door to the hall and then I only let go, because it feels all to easy and familiar to be attached to her like that. Spencer notices, but she doesn't say anything, just flexes her fingers and gives me a sad smile, like maybe she forgot for a minute there too that we shouldn't be doing that.
Then her eyes flash over to the gathering crowd on the dance floor and she frowns.
"Fuck, this is bad, she doesn't like it when people push in on her like that."
I'm about to ask what the hell she means, but I'm interrupted by the sound of Carmen's panicky voice.
"Could you just step the hell back and get your hands off me!"
And then Spencer's off like a shot and I'm left with a sinking feeling in my gut that things just spun out of control for us again. It seems like no matter how hard any of us try to forget the past, it's always gonna come back and bite us in the ass...
- - -
Okay, I hope you liked that seeing as it's pretty much nearing the end now. I'll be the first to say that this story has proven to me that I shouldn't be allowed to attempt writing a sequel again, but I started it so I'm gonna finish it, no matter how I feel about this story at this point in time. It's what I'd politely call a love/hate relationship right now!
So yeah, review if the fancy strikes you, but I wouldn't blame you if this didn't exactly inspire you to do so.