AUTHOR'S NOTE/DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything... never do... It's all RTD's and the BBC's. This was gonna be a steamy oneshot, then I got a review informing me that Ianto never took the lube off of Gwen's desk. Of course I had to play. I'm gonna do a third chapter which follows on from this, so I guess it'll be a crack sandwich made with smut-bread Oo many thanks to my own personal Ianto who helped me to write this bit! Enjoy xxx
PCGwen: Iantoooo... why is there lubricant on my desk?
IantoKingOfCoffee: Um, I'm not really sure Gwen, why don't you try asking Owen?
PCGwen: why would Owen have lube? And why would he put it on my desk... do you think Jack would know?
TheSex has joined the conversation
PCGwen: Owen... you don't own any lube do you?
TheSex: Yeah Teaboy, why would I, sexual non-deviant that I am, leave lube on her desk?
PCGwen: Oh God, Ianto you don't think that Owen and I...
PCGwen: That ended aaages ago!
TheSex: Of COURSE not Gwen... Why would I?
PCGwen: Oh. Good...
ElCapitan has joined the conversation
ElCapitan: Aren't you kids supposed to be working?
IantoKingOfCoffee: No Gwen, you and Owen, are definitely not an item of any sort…
PCGwen: Exactly, I mean, I'm a one man woman and everything...
TheSex: Well we would be, Jack, but Gwen wants to know who the lube belongs to.
PCGwen: I don't even look at other guys
TheSex: (pointed look at Jack)
PCGwen: Owen
YourMightyLeader: Snicker
TheSex: Ha, that's believable Gwen.
PCGwen: Shut up you asshole!
TheBoss: Play nice kids.
GOD: Ianto. Will you fingerprint the offending lube tube?
TheSex: Oi, who're you calling an asshole, its not me who likes it...
TheOneWhoGivesTheOrders: Hehe... Lube tube... rhymes... I am made of awesome
PCGwen: OWEN!
TheSex: Well, sorry, slipped out…
PCGwen: Sometimes, you should try keeping your mouth shut.
TheSex: I'm gonna go... autopsy... Something.
CaptainHandsome: Ooh... It's all coming out now...
LeaderOfTheWeak: Leaving so soon? That just proves it's your lube!
TheSex has left the conversation, in a hurry
GeneralInuendo: Think we scared him off?
PCGwen: Sometimes, you're so childish.
IantoKingOfCoffee: It's in his nature.
MasterOfAllSex: Ianto knows allll about nature…
IantoKingOfCoffee: He's so old and all, it kinda makes sense that he reverts to childhood every now and then…
PCGwen: Oh, please... Tell me it isn't your lube!
LordOfNookie: HEY!
IantoKingOfCoffee: (warningly)Jack
ColonelKinky: Less of the old you insolent sprog!
LieutenantLove: You know you love it…
PCGwen: ok. I'm not sure I can stand much of this...
IantoKingOfCoffee: Insolent sprog? That's not what you were saying last night - Captain
Cap'nJack: I seem to remember you weren't complaining about my age or experience either
PCGwen: Oh GOD... It's yours isn't it?
TheIncredibleHunk: What flavour is it?
IantoKingOfCoffee: Calm down Gwen.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Jack!!
PCGwen: FLAVOUR??
TheInsatiableHarkness: Sorry... any chance of coffee?? Not decaf... Please not decaf
IantoKingOfCoffee: Ummm, yeah, what flavour is it?
PCGwen: Er... Strawberry?
IantoKingOfCoffee: No sorry, all you deserve is decaf.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Oh strawberry? Yum!
CaptainSexy: Not mine... I've got a vanilla fetish.
YourGorgeousOverlord: Yum is not something most sensible people say about lubricant, Ianto...
PCGwen: why is it on my desk?
IantoKingOfCoffee: I like strawberry, actually I kinda fancy strawberries now, I might pop to Sainsbury's.
Ianto'sGorgeousUnderlord: If you give me decaf, I'll purposely raid the archives like I did last Tuesday... remember the mess?
PCGwen: when you do, could you buy me a new sanity? I lost mine...
LordHorny: Might have to get some more lube...
IantoKingOfCoffee: No no, don't you dare! fine I'll make normal!
PCGwen: JACK
CaptainCool: I am supreme…
IantoKingOfCoffee: Oh write me a shopping list why don't you, huh? I'll get your coffee, sir.
SexySupervisor: Thanks Ianto.
TheSex has joined the conversation
PCGwen: I'm going... I'm going to... Oh GOD I have to put it in the bin and that means touching it,..
Jack: Back for round two already?
TheSex: I'll sort that out Gwen, I have my gloves on... Disgusting people.
TheSex: Teaboy I want coffee, two cups.
PCGwen: Thanks... Think the incinerator will work it?
TheSex: The autopsy's not quite dead.
PCGwen: Ooh... Can I have a cup of tea?
PCGwen: OWEN! That's so cruel!
TheTantricTaskmaster: Nice one. Interrogation time?
TheSex: Well, how was I supposed to know it was in deep hibernation?
ForemanOfForeplay: Can I be good cop this time Ianto?
PCGwen: You're a doctor... don't you have monitors?
TheSex: Bloody sat up as I cut its stomach open, didn't it.
Texpert has joined the conversation
TheSex: Deep hibernation Gwen, no sign on the monitors.
PCGwen: You're disgusting.
IantoKingOfCoffee: I guess so, if you really want Jack.
HeadOfOperations: I bet you just pissed your pants eh?
ManagerOfMasturbation: Oh, I want…
PCGwen: JACK!
TheSex: thought you liked being the bad cop Jack?
Texpert: You know, some of us do work here...
OvarianOverseer: Yeah.. but you've never seen Ianto be bad cop.. it's hot.
TheSex: Sorry Tosh.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Sorry Tosh - Cup of camomile?
Texpert: It's ok Owen.
Texpert: Ooh.. That'd be lovely Ianto
Texpert: Any pastries?
IantoKingOfCoffee: Right that's four coffees, a camomile a tea and pastries.
PCGwen: I have to pee... brb
PCGwen's status is set to be right back
IantoKingOfCoffee has left the conversation
SuperintendentOfSex: I want extra cream…
CopulationCommander: Why does he always leave just before I say that?
Texpert: So... Owen... want some help with that autopsy?
TheSex: It's not quite an autopsy Tosh
AdmiralAmorous: he might need some help with his wet pants.
Texpert: I know, but what do we call it now it's alive?
TheSex: Gotta sew him back up and deliver him to interrogation.
Texpert: Is he sentient? Can he speak English? Do you need me to make a translator?
TheSex: I didn't wet my pants.
LasciviousLieutenant: Oh yeah? I can see the wet patch from here...
TheSex: He seems to have learnt English quite well Tosh.
Texpert: Oh... Good...
TheSex: Well at least army-American, as he asked for a cup of joe.
Texpert: You know it's a he?
TheSex: And I'm now ignoring you Jack.
TheAmazingAphrodisiac: Aha! An alien after my own heart...
TheSex: Well he's got a wotsit Tosh...
SexOnLegs: Where's Ianto with my coffee?
Texpert: some species have different genitalia Owen...
TheSalaciousSentinel: It's true... I remember this time...
IantoKingOfCoffee has joined the conversation - with a full rattly tray
IantoKingOfCoffee: reminiscing Jack?
PCGwen's status is online
CaptainLecherous: Always.
PCGwen: Oh good, I missed the anecdote. No nightmares for me tonight…
TheSex: This one has fairly regular genitalia, although, he did tell me that he's a he anyway.
MasterOfTheLustyServingWench: Well, actually, I was about to say. This Chelonian.. They're like giant tortoises.. Well.. The males have the holes and the females have well...
IantoKingOfCoffee: There's your tea Gwen.
PCGwen: Thanks Ianto.. Not strawberry flavour? I'm disappointed.
TheTeaboy'sCaptain: I think they're called protrusions...
IantoKingOfCoffee: And we had no pastries Tosh, I've got cookies, of the choc chip variety, or the muffins Rhys baked us, of the blueberry variety…
Texpert: Jack... Enough.
Texpert: COOKIES
Texpert: not that Rhys' muffins are bad...
PCGwen: OI! His cookies are lovely!
TheSex: Muffins, Gwen, muffins.
PassionatePrivate: If lovely is synonymous with vomit inducing...
PCGwen: well.. yeah, but they didn't rise and they're rock solid.
PCGwen: they make good cookies.
TheRuler: Ah, poor Rhys... always has the same problem... things don't rise...
PCGwen: How bloody dare you!
TheSex: Oh, guess I haven't seen them then. in that case, what did I eat earlier?
JackOfHearts: Giggle. Kidding
EmperorOfErotica: who knows Owen...
IantoKingOfCoffee: I have no idea Owen, what did it look like?
PCGwen: You can be such a prick sometimes Jack Harkness
TheSex: Well a blueberry muffin of course.
Texpert: Gwen, Jack... drop it both of you.
Beryl has joined the conversation
PrissyPrick: Yes ma'am.
BERYL: Is that my joe? Thank you Ianto.
ThePerfectPenis: Hi Beryl... Er...
BERYL: I believe you may have eaten... something of mine... I do apologise
PCGwen: (very slowly) How are you feeling?
BERYL: A little cut up Gwen, but otherwise fine.
AnAstonishedAdonis: SNORT! Beryl, what species are you?
PCGwen: Oh... Is the coffee good?
BERYL: I don't think you have a word for me Jack.
Texpert: Owen... fancy a drink later?
CaptainOfTheCock: Try me. I like learning new things.
BERYL: The joe is very good, not quite as strong as the stuff they served up in the army, but good all the same…
Texpert: He didn't...
PCGwen: Uh oh...
GeneralOfTheGenitalia: Ianto.. are you ok?
IantoKingOfCoffee has left the conversation - to make the coffee machine brew stronger
InsatiableDespiteImpendingDoom: Was that thud in the distance Ianto collapsing from shock?
BERYL: Oh dear - did I upset him? I didn't mean to.
TheSex: Yes, Tosh, if we can get away from this madhouse, I would like to take you for a meal.
TheWankingWarlord: He'll be fine.. I'll just go check.. Gwen... Censor the horny ones.
TheWankingWarlord has left the conversation to attempt nookie in the kitchen
Texpert: I know a cute new Italian place on the bay...
BERYL: I'm afraid I cannot pronounce my species for you Jack, my voice box will not allow it.
TheSex: Italian is always good, milady.
PCGwen: Well... We'll just call you Beryl then...
Texpert: giggle
PCGwen: oh God... you didn't just pull the milady trick on Tosh?
TheSex: Yes, Gwen I did.
TheSex: Oh no, I didn't pull a trick!
PCGwen: Sorry, can't speak, too busy retching…
Texpert: It's ok Owen, I know you only want me for may amazing boobs and fabulous legs...
TheSex: Tosh is a true lady.
MasterOfTheMember has joined the conversation
MasterOfTheMember: pout he...
DukeOfTheDick: he hit me on the head with the tray...
BERYL: I sense that last is a jab at Gwen, Owen and I don't think it is in good taste.
OverseerOfOral: I think he's really cross 'cos he wouldn't even let me grope him...
TheSex: Nice one teaboy, finally coming to his senses is he Jack?
PCGwen: Oh... went right over my head lovely. Thanks for pointing it out.
BreastInspectionAgent: Hey... Check the CCTV footage for last night, you'll see what Ianto COMING to his senses looks like!!
Texpert: Oh dear... I'll go talk to Ianto...
TheSex: OH God Jack - did you have to!
SupplierOfSemen: Yes I did...
Texpert has left the conversation the be the eternal diplomat
ValiantVoyeur: I know you watched it already Owen, I saw you wanking over the footage
PCGwen: OH GOD!! I don't know who I'm more disgusted with!
TheSex: I did not.. how dare you impugn my honour sir!
PrecociousPornstar: Okay, but Gwen was gullible enough to believe it hehe.
SexIdol: Anyway, you have no honour…
PCGwen: I second that motion..
InstructorOfIntercourse: I'll show you motion!
BERYL: I, I third it
BesottedWithBreasts: Thanks for the third
BERYL: I'm getting a little confused.
PCGwen: JACK
PCGwen: Sorry Beryl... what's confusing you?
BERYL: I think I may go back to the autopsy room, have another nap.
Texpert has joined the conversation
PCGwen: Ok Beryl. See you later.
BERYL: Thank Ianto for the joe. When you're ready to interview me, I'll be, sleeping.
Texpert: He says he's practicing his coffee 'til it's perfect...
Beryl has left the conversation
Texpert: He says he's never eating, sleeping or allowing sexual contact again until it's perfect...
AddictedToMorethenYourCoffee: BUT IT'S ALREADY PERFECT!!
TheSex: That's put you in a pickle hasn't it Jack?
PCGwen: Aww that's actually quite sweet that you think that sweetheart.
WorshipperOfIanto'sMassiveCoffeeMachine: Owen, don't look so cocky, I'm gonna need something to screw until he comes to his senses... you might be on the menu.
TheSex: ARGH!
LoverOfTheKingOFCoffee: I think I might cry... I want my Ianto back...
Texpert: Oh, now that is sweet...
SlaveToTheSecretary: pout
TheSex: Lets all aww over the poor Captain.
PCGwen: awwwwwwwww
Texpert: don't be so mean. Jack, are you ok?
TheSex: I'm going to go sew Beryl back up - at least he talks sense!
ServantOfTheTeaboy: sniff I want more coffee...
Texpert: You just want him for his coffee? You deserve to be upset!
TheSex has left the conversation
IantoKingOfCoffee has joined the conversation
IantoKingOfCoffee: Here you are sir, new and improved coffee.
JiltedLover: IANTOOOOOOO!! clings Your coffee is perfect.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Where's that alien gone?
CaptainEasilySatisfied: Ianto... it's the same as the last cup.. Purrfect!
Texpert: He went for a nap.
PCGwen: I'm going home early. Got a meeting with a dress fitter for the wedding.
Texpert: Oooooh have fun!
EasilySatiatedSinner: Nice of you to ask permission from the boss sulks
IantoKingOfCoffee: Do you need a wedding fairy along, for a second opinion?
PCGwen: Oh grow up Jack. Thanks Tosh, have a nice time tonight with Owen.
IantoKingOfCoffee: and when I get my hands on that alien...
PCGwen: Ooh... I would say yes, but I think Jack would eat me!
IantoKingOfCoffee: Yes, I understand.
PossesivePhilanderer: You're not allowed to touch the alien. you're mine!
IantoKingOfCoffee: Well, blue tooth me if you need me.
PCGwen: sigh I'm off. bye guys. I will Ianto, thanks. xxx
PCGwen has left the conversation
IantoKingOfCoffee: I figured I'd be the bad cop Jack.
Texpert: Oh dear... I'm alone with the lovebirds...
AutomaticallyAroused: I like it when you're bad cop…
IantoKingOfCoffee: I know you do.
FanOfFetish: I'm gonna get you a police outfit... Made of PVC...
Texpert: Umm... Still here!!
UpForAThreesome: You can have a nurse's outfit, Tosh
Texpert: Thanks...not what I meant.
IantoKingOfCoffee: I don't think I suit a police outfit Jack…
LikesYouInAnythingAndParticularlyInNothing: Unit uniform?
ReactsWellToRolePlay: You can be general, I'll be a private…
Texpert: Urgh.. Unit really turns me off.
BeggingForBondage: Understandable... Though you do look cute in a jumpsuit...
Texpert: I think that's a compliment... In which case... Thanks...
Texpert: I'm gonna go see where Owen got to...
Texpert has left the conversation
GaggingForIt: Well... I don't think they suspect anything at all about us...
IantoKingOfCoffee: No not at all Jack.
BestAtBlowjobs: Exactly.
IantoKingOfCoffee: When can you get that unit uniform then?
RearOfTheYear: Heeeeyyy... You don't think the alien was just an excuse for those two to go have sex?
IantoKingOfCoffee: And I thought you wanted me in the red cap?
HasNaughtyDreamsAboutTheStaff: Oh, the red cap... Yeah...
ExoticAndEroticWithEmployees: Martha says she's in the process of getting one, but she's gotta steal it.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Not the generals outfit.
SuchABitchForDomination: Fine, I'll be a civilian.
IantoKingOfCoffee: Possibly an excuse for sex, but I think the Italian tonight is a more likely one…
SupersonicSexMachine: You'd be amazed at the security surrounding Unit uniforms... They have lasers...
LastsLongerThatDuracell:Hmm... You think they'd have sex in a restaurant?
IantoKingOfCoffee: Hope Martha can cope with the lasers.
BetterThanAVibrator: Even I'm not that exhibitionist...
IantoKingOfCoffee: Um, well, we did…
GoesDownOnGuysInTheGents: Yeah but in the toilets!!
IantoKingOfCoffee: Well, I expect they'll go to the toilets as well…
IantoKingOfCoffee: Or just Owen's afterwards.
FantasticFuck: I dunno.. Owen is a bit weird…
IantoKingOfCoffee: But Tosh isn't.
LikesToPlayDoctor: Hmm.. Ever been in Owen's flat?
ButPrefersHisCoffeeBoy: It's really presumptuous..
HotForYourCuteSuit: So.. What game do you wanna play tonight?
SupporterOfNaturism: We haven't played cluedo in a while...
IantoKingOfCoffee: I was thinking dominoes.
AppreciativeAndAroused: oohh... good plan!
InnovativeAndIntriguing: The things you can do with dominoes...
IantoKingOfCoffee: Hmm, I'm not sure I want to find that out!
PracticingYourPerfection: Trust me, you do...
IantoKingOfCoffee: Hmmm, ok... Your place or mine?
PatientWithYourPants: Well... I don't really have a place.
IantoKingOfCoffee: I'm thinking mine, because Tosh and Owen are still here.
ThinkingDirtyThoughts: And your bed is much bigger…
HasASexyIdea: Yeah...
IantoKingOfCoffee: Race you there?
LovingTheLubricant: Seriously... From the noises you'd think they were having a threesome with the alien!
ComingQuickly: Indeedy. dibs on the SUV!!
IantoKingOfCoffee: Don't say that, I was trying to block the noises!
BringYourStopwatch has signed out really, really quickly
IantoKingOfCoffee: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
IantoKingOfCoffee: damn!
IantoKingOfCoffee has signed out
Texpert has signed in
Texpert: guys... small problem... the alien is trying to suffocate Owen...
Texpert: guys...
Texpert: GUYS??
Texpert: Ah well...
Toshiko has gone to do the fucking job herself.