AN: sorry for the wait for this, real life got in the way and then I discovered Criminal Minds…
This is all from Sam's POV. Not sure if I like how this has come out, it went a bit wonky in the middle, let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it.
This WAS chapter 5 but it's now chapter 6, anyone looking for the new chapter go back to chapter 5, sorry for any confusion.
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Sam sat in her lab trying to hide from the night's events.
She had thought that when Vala discovered her past as a Time Lady that all of the deception was over, apparently she was wrong. It seemed that they may never know all of Vala's history. Sam had the selfish thought that perhaps that would be better than knowing everything. Each time some new piece of information came to light about Vala Sam felt her heart break just a little more at the pain her friend had been through and she didn't know how much more she would be able to hear.
Her attempt to bury herself in her work wasn't working. Every time she pushed one thought out of her head another darker one would fill its place.
What could have driven Vala to do this? How bad would things have had to be before she had sold the only thing she had left; her body?
Sam shuddered at the thought of what Vala had had to do to survive and her stomach rolled at the thought that there could have been times when it was less than consensual.
There had only been one time when Sam thought being a woman had truly put her in more danger than the rest of the team. True there was always some added risk but the only time it had ever been explicit was on one of their first trips through the gate, when she had been captured by the Shavadai. If her team had not been there to save her Sam knew she would have received more than the beating she had taken. Anger rose in Sam as she remembered that for so long her friend had no one to come to her rescue.
Vala rarely talked about her time as a host, Sam could understand that, but she did talk about the time after it a lot. The way in which she did it though was such that you never quite knew whether to believe her or not, how much was true and how much was exaggerated beyond all recognition.
Sam remembered something that Vala had said to her months before as they where searching a temple for some texts.
"Conceal nothing and people will hunt forever Samantha."
Sam chuckled as she realised just how true this statement was to her friend. Vala never actually lied about her past; she just hid it behind a fine veil of humour and innuendo.
How many times over the years had they made a joke at Vala's expense? How many times had they taken a shot at her past without knowing the damage they where doing? Sam knew Vala wore her armour high and thick, she did the same, but she also knew it was the little hurts that stung the most, the ones that bled the most but never killed you.
Why had none of them looked closer?
At least Sam knew the answer to that one.
No one looked closer at Vala because she blinded you.
She was like a perfect diamond. She reflected the light and all you saw was the twinkle, the flash, the white light. You never saw the many colours that made it up. She seemed so simple and clear but you never saw the complexities she hid beneath. You admired the strength but forgot the conditions needed to create it.
No one looked closer at Vala because she didn't want them to; to see her for what she truly is scared Vala so much that she hid, even from her closest friends. It saddened Sam that even after 4 years together Vala still felt she had to hide from them, granted it had gotten better but there was still so much that Vala hid. Sam wondered how much longer her friend could do that for, how long it would be before she broke beneath the weight of her past actions.
But what if it had already happened?
She was so deep in thought that she didn't see the object of her thoughts enter into her lab and place a tray of breakfast in front of her. It was only when the smell of coffee permeated her senses that Sam broke out of her internal world.
"You didn't show up for breakfast." Vala gave a simple answer to a question Sam hadn't asked. Sam checked her watch, it was nearly 9am, and she had been sitting thinking all night.
Giving Vala a tight smile she began to tuck into her breakfast. They sat for some time in an uncomfortable silence neither of them knowing what to say. It reminded Sam of when they had first met and neither of them knew the other well enough to be able to start a conversation.
Sam didn't know what to say to Vala. After the thoughts that had been spinning in her head all night Sam didn't know how to approach the subject. Eventually the silence became too much.
"Did you work things out with Daniel? He was pretty angry earlier on."
Vala shrugged "It's not perfect, but it's getting there."
They lapsed back into silence. Sam watched the way Vala nervously fiddled with her hair and kept glancing behind her at the door. She wondered which part of Vala's fight or flight instinct would win out. It always was a perfect 50/50 chance with Vala, although sometimes she managed to combine the 2 of them, a rare talent Sam mused.
"Why…How…?" Sam trailed off unsure about what she actually wanted to say.
Vala seemed to understand what Sam was trying to ask. "I gave people what they wanted Sam, what they expected. It was just sex."
"Even when they raped you? Was it just sex then?"
The moment Sam said it she knew it was the wrong thing, she wanted nothing more than to take the words back, to grab them out the air and pretend she hadn't said them.
She could see Vala's carefully controlled exterior break like glass. But this was not the shattering of a dropped glass, an accident and a thousand tiny shards on the floor. This was the slow dropping of the glass blowers molten glass, stretched and strung and hardened past breaking, past pain, past everything, forever distorted.
"Raped?" Vala's voice was low and controlled "You don't know the meaning of the word Samantha. Rape is never about sex, it's about control. Someone is doing this to your body and you have no power to stop them. The first time you try and scream, try and fight back but you learn that no ones going to come and help you, you learn that if you don't fight back it'll be over quicker and you might just survive." She never moved her silver eyes from Sam's blue ones the whole time. "In the end you send your mind away to some other place, you pretend it isn't happening to you, you tell yourself over and over that it's just a body, just a thing. You pretend that you can't feel him pressing down on you, that the reason you can't breathe is something other than fear, that one day the smell will go away and you'll be able to wash every trace of them off your skin." Sam noted that Vala was unconsciously scratched at her arm. "It never dose; the smell and the feeling never go away." She turned towards the door and shook her head "You know nothing of that Samantha, and I pray you never will."
She left Sam alone in the dark of her office, her thought swirling round her head. Questions with out answers and answers she didn't know the question for.
Things might be getting better between Vala and Daniel but Sam was pretty sure she had just wrecked things between herself and Vala.