I don't understand why but he's been more unbearable the last few weeks. He's been disappearing for days at a time! No one knows why…not even Gibbs and he knows everything. Even Ziva seems to be getting pissed off at him. I know Jenny knows something but she won't tell me.
One the occasional chance he was at home, he told me he'd met someone and her name was Jeanne. He also said I would like her. I doubt it, she's not Kate and she's not Ziva or Jenny and she is most definitely NOT going to replace my mother.
While he is gallivanting around with his new girlfriend, I have my audition for the Manhatten School of Music in New York to study Violin and Voice. I would drive myself but my car is in for servicing. I know there's nothing wrong with my car but my father insists that "you never know". He must think I'm stupid. I don't get it, he cares more about my car? I don't understand men at all.
Well, whatever-he's forbidden me to get in a cab, he says it's too expensive. So consequently, poor Ziva has become my Chauffer. I meet her downstairs and she's already there, waiting for me.
"You all set?" she asks, winding down the window and calling across the passenger seat. I nod, well actually, I'm a little nervous, this audition will determine the next four years of my life.
"Hop in then…I'll drop you off if that's ok and you can send me a text when you know what time your train is gonna get in" she says, sounding just how I'd expect my mother to sound. No, Bethany, Stop it. Stop comparing.
"That's fine" I reply, I wasn't expecting her to wait for me, she has her own life-besides, Gibbs would kill her if she was late for work.
"What time is your train?" she asks.
"10:30" I reply fumbling with my ticket. This isn't the first time I've been away from DC. I've been all over the world with the orchestra but is my first journey alone. The train journey from DC to NY isn't long but I know that the company would atleast settle my nerves a little.
The traffic is murder on the way over and we sit in silence, I'm much too nervous to strike a conversation. We arrive about half an hour later and I climb out and wave goodbye. She wishes me luck and drives away. I can only imagine what she'll say to my father when she sees him.
"I took your daughter to one of the most important events of her life, today" she'll say. He'll look at her blankly and say,
"I know, thank you" That won't be enough for her and she'll snap and say crossly,
"It should have been you"
Yeah right! Like that would ever happen. I know Ziva loves my father, I don't think either of them realise yet but I've never seen anything so clear since my mother…oh, I…I'll be happy for him when he gets his act together but at the moment, I go into the audition angry. I hammer out all my pain into the pieces I play. If my anger costs me my place at the conservetiore I'm really gonna kill him. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I know I probably sound like a stuck up girl because she's not getting what she wants. Is it so much to ask for my father's attension?
As it happens, my anger had the opposite effect to what I had first thought and they offered me a full scholarship, I greatfully accepted and ran out of the building feeling happy for the first time in a very long time.
I have a little time to spare afterwards so I do a little shopping before I get back on the train. I've always loved New York and my exitment is already bubbling away at the thought of coming here to study. I love DC as well but it's been my home since I was born. I want to escape from it for a while. I get Ziva a little something as a thank you for taking me to the station.
I catch my train few hours later and spend the journey listening to my ipod. For some reason, I have inherited my father's love for Frank Sinatra. I call Ziva to tell her the news.
Ziva meets me outside in excitement and takes me out for dinner but it's cut short when she gets a call from my father…there has been a development of which he cannot speak but he needs Ziva to keep an eye on me. I'm not stupid, I know it has everything to do with Jeanne, I know about the project Le Granquille. I turned up outside Jenny's house and demanded to know everything or I wouldn't leave. Any way, he calls to say that she needs him to cover his ass…apparently Gibbs knows nothing about it.
We drive back to my apartment, my anger boiling knowing he finds spending time with his 'assignment' girlfriend, his fake relationship more appealing than he does his real family.
"Why don't you like Jeanne?" Ziva asks me. I really don't want to talk about it. I seem to always be talking about his ex-girlfriends. I know I'm going to loose my temper any second and I don't want to take it out on her. She doesn't deserve it.
"I tells me all this great stuff about her…it's all Jeanne this, Jeanne that…yet he never lets me see her…and he spends all his time at her place…you know what? I don't think he's even told her about me!" I say, so matter of factly. Infact, the thought had been circulating my mind a lot since this Jeanne came onto the scene and I believe it a miracle I haven't gone mad yet. Ziva frowns, uh oh, I know that look.
"Don't say that! You're his daughter and he loves you" she says. Is she telling me off? Her tone is so harsh. I want to keep quiet, wait until I get home to release my anger…too later.
"I wanted him to take me, I wanted him to be there, the only reason I got in was because I was so angry at him" I say, tears threatening to fall. I so badly need to hit something otherwise I fear I will explode.
"Arh, I'm so angry…I hate him!" I scream, "I hate him" I shout hitting the dash board with clenched fists.
"Don't you ever say that about your father, ever again, not ever. Do you understand?" Yep-she's mad I don't think I've ever heard her so angry-it's only when she gets really angry you really notice her Israeli accent more. Am I really that much of a bitch? Am I really? Because that's not how I want it to be.
"I just want my dad back" I whisper, I didn't intend to say it outloud but I did anyway. She doesn't reply and we continue the jouney in silence. We've said what we needed to say. I thought I'd feel better…but I don't, I feel worse.
She drops me off at home and I get out and go inside without even saying goodbye. By this point, I think I'm humiliated more than anything else. I don't want to face the world ever again.
When I get inside I slam my keys down on the worktop at take a deep breath before seating myself at the piano. I play, unknowingly for hours I only realise this when my stomach growling adds to the harmony…I'm starving. It's 9.30 in the evening and I don't have the energy to cook, having wasted it on Beethoven, Debussy and Chopin. I pick up the phone and order take-out. I turn on the tv and the news is on; "A doctor and NCIS agent caught up in the middle of a drugs heist" That's where he'll be, I think to myself. Suddenly, I can't stand the thought of being alone.
I pick up my cell and try to call my father knowing how out of control my terrible behavior has become over the last few days. I am really impossible to live with? As I expected his voice mail kicks in but it's a comfort in itself just to hear his voice. I leave a message.
"Hey, saw the news, hope you and Jeanne are ok maybe I'll see you in the morning" I hang up and send a text to Ziva saying nothing but "Sorry" I don't know what else to say. The take-out arrives shortly afterwards and I pay the guy and shut the door. I sit on the couch of the apartment that used to be full of joy and laughter.
I've never felt so alone. I can't stay in this apartment any longer and I go to the only person I know who will be awake at this hour.
"Bethany?" Gibbs said surprised. I try my best to look as if I haven't been crying.
"Sorry, were you asleep?" I ask. He smiles knowing that I know he wouldn't be asleep. He opens the door wide, letting me in.
"Nah, I was just doing some work on the boat…come on in. I'll make you some cocoa" he said ushering me inside.
"Shall I call your dad and tell him where you are?" he asks reaching for some mugs. I shake my head.
"No, he doesn't care…he's got enough on his plate" I say. I hear him sigh.
"That's not true" he says. I'm sick of hearing people saying that to me.
"Your more of a father to me than he is" I say, usually, if I hadn't been so tired I'd have more control over my thoughts. I'd never intended to say that out loud. The whistling of the kettle distracted him for a moment and he mixed up the chocolaty beverage.
"Your father has been through a lot…" He begins. I heard a lot of people say that too. But Gibbs knows what an ass-hole my father can be.
"and I know what he's put you through is probably unforgivable…but he is your father" Gibbs is a very wise man. I felt hounered that he trusted me enough to tell me about Kelly and Shannon.
We chat for a little while longer but then he suggests that I head home to get some rest. I say my goodbyes feeling a little more comforted after my heart to heart with Gibbs. When I get in, I'm so tired I flop down on the couch to relax my aching muscles.
The next morning I wake up and find myself on the couch, I must have fallen asleep. The TV is still on, it's nearly 3.30am but I'm fully awake even though I've had hardly any sleep. I check my cell phone and low and behold! There is a text from my father.
"We're both fine, staying with Jeanne tonight. See you in the morning x"
Atleast they're both ok, I thought, feeling guilty about what I'd said about the kid…I barely knew him after all. I also had a text from Ziva.
"It's fine, don't worry about it"
Well, I'd heard from both of them in the last 12 hours so that was a huge relief. I get up and have a hot shower. By the time I get out it's only 4:15 and it's much too early to pracise paino. I flick through the TV but there's nothing decent on so I decide to go for a drive, nowhere in particular, anywhere but being in the apartment on my own.
Outside, the streets are eerily quiet, I pull on a hoody as it's quiet chilly and the sun hasn't even begun to rise yet. I wonder about stopping by at the lab, McGee has a night shift…maybe he's there, atleast I'll have someone to talk to, I need someone to make me laugh. I make my decision as I come to a halt at a red light. Yep, I'll go to NCIS...Abby might even be there. When the light goes green, I cruise slowly around the bend, you never know what's coming. The next thing I know I feel the most enormous jolt that sends my car spinning. At 100 miles an hour, the thought races through my head, the light was green, the light was green. This wasn't my fault.
When the car stops, I'm not sure if I'm awake or not, it's one of those strange sensations just as your waking up from a dream…but I know that this is not a dream. Even thought I can't move myself, I can feel myself being dragged out of the car. Am I dead? Am I being dragged down the golden tunnel of light? I strain to open my eyes and groan at the pain in my head. I can taste a bitterness in my mouth…blood. A strain my vision to try and work out whats going on and I see a blurry face which I don't recognise.
Oh, boy. This can't be good.