***
The next time I hear from my father is the following day when he sends me a picture message of a lovely blue sky in LA; a far cry from the dull, grey, overcast skies of Washington DC. Later that day Gibbs announces very angrily that my father and Ziva have lost the director. I am immediately struck with panic. She could be lying unconscious somewhere in LA while Ziva and my Dad are…well never mind, the fact was that she was in danger. I do my best to comfort Gibbs but suddenly he gets on a plane across to LA…now I'm sure there is definitely something very wrong.
Ducky announces to me, Abby and McGee that the director has been murdered. I go numb with shock. I know and only I knew that she was dying any way but the fact that she was murdered shook us all deeply.
McGee tried to comfort Abby and I anxiously awaited my fathers return. I knew he would be blaming himself but deep down I felt a bubbling anger towards him for loosing her in the first place.
When Ducky announces that her body is being flown back to DC I realise that our secret will soon be revealed. I desperately want to warn Ducky before hand but I feel I must tell Gibbs first.
Gibbs, Ziva and my father arrive back in the squad room many hours later where Ducky, McGee, Abby and myself are waiting for them. Everyone is plunged in grief…Abby won't stop crying…suddenly I feel so guilty and feel like my head will explode if I don't say it now.
They were all huddled together, myself excluded from the group. I stood behind them and spoke out.
"She was dying" I say, tears on the brink of flowing. They all turn looking at me if possibly in more shock than they were before I dropped another bombshell.
"What?" Gibbs said. He almost spat. I don't blame him if he hates me for the rest of his life. "What did you say?" he stutters again when I don't respond the first time.
"She had a brain tumour" I said feeling six pairs of eyes burn me.
"She was diagnosed nearly eight months ago but stopped her treatment" Silence fell for what felt like eternity. My father looked at me with a pain stricken face. Ziva looked hurt that I didn't confide in her.
"She never said anything to me" Gibbs said in disbelief, "She would have told me something like that" Gibbs said, his voice breaking in grief.
"She didn't want anyone to know…she made me promise not to tell anyone, I'm sorry" I get no response I feel everyone staring at me in anger. Suddenly I feel like her death was all my fault.
"How long had you known, Bethany?" Gibbs said, using my proper name, he never does that unless he's angry. I can't seem to speak because the lump in my throat is chocking me.
"How long have you known!" he shouts at me. I at least expected someone to leap to my defence but how wrong I was. Tears spilled over my eyes, in their grief, they suddenly turned their anger and turmoil on me.
"About a month, maybe two" I stutter, "I met her at the hospital when I had my cast taken off, she told me she wanted to stop the treatment" I said gasping a little as sobs began to take over me.
"Why didn't you tell me! Didn't you think we deserved to know!" Gibbs yelled. I sobbed a little but managed to gain control of it. I wiped the tears that were spilling down my face.
"It's not what she wanted, she asked me to do something, I wasn't going to let her down" I said.
"Don't you trust me? I'm your father Bethany, you could have told me!" he said, his voice was full of disappointment. I couldn't believe what was happening, they were not the only ones who had lost a friend. I felt a sudden swell of anger.
"Well, what I'm trying to say is" I began knowing full well what I was about to say was not going to go down well, "this was a much more merciful way for her to go…she died a hero, you all may hate me for what I've done but Gibbs you've said it yourself, the best way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone at all…what did I do that was so wrong! I know she was your colleague and your friend. Well, she was my friend too and I respected her wishes!" I shouted and let out a small sob before a fled from the squad room.
I ran down to the autopsy room and keyed in the code. I approached the body bag and went to unzip it but a hand slapped down on my wrist…it was Ducky.
"Please say you haven't come to tell me you hate me too" I say. His grip on my wrist softens.
"I was going to ask, are you alright?" he said kindly.
"No, no I'm not. I did a favour for my friend and now everyone hates me for it. I thought I was doing the right thing, Ducky" I say, regaining the strength in my voice.
"I know" he said simply.
"You do?" I said taken aback slightly.
"Yes, and although everyone up there may have just treated you a little harshly upstairs I think they would have done the same thing, had they been in your position. It must have been very difficult for you" I'd always admired Ducky for his wisdom.
"I did want to tell you all, honestly I did but I made her a promise, I don't break promises" I said. Ducky nodded in agreement.
"Don't worry my dear, they are all in shock up there. They've all made mistakes today and it's natural in the grieving process to find someone to blame but themselves…it's just unfortunate that it was you, Bethany" he said wisely.
"I don't think I can face going back up there, not now, not ever" I said.
"I don't think it will take very long for them to realise that they over-stepped the mark with you. You shouldn't have to apologise for a thing, just let things smooth over for a bit"
"Bethany?" I turn round to see Gibbs standing in the entrance. For some reason, I don't feel ready to forgive him yet, my anger has not yet simmered.
"What!" I snap.
"I wanted to apologise for what I said to you upstairs, it was out of line" he began
"All of you ganged up on me, you all made me think that it was actually all my fault, you convinced me that I was to blame" I said.
"I'm sorry, so is everyone else. They're just emotional"
"I know, she was my friend too" I answered back.
"It's just with Kate as well…" he started.
"She was also my friend. You guys all acted like I didn't care, like I didn't understand what you were going through but the truth is, I do! I've lost my mom, I've lost Kate and Now I've lost Jenny too! Who's next?" I spit at him resentfully.
"Don't you think I felt bad enough without the whole of NCIS throwing it back in face!" I yelled.
"Bethany, I'm sorry…you were right, I loved her…I never stopped loving her. I was angry at you because I knew you were right all along" he said. I suddenly felt my anger start to dissolve.
"That's ok" I said stepping away from Jenny's body and wrapping my arms around his waste. He gratefully accepted this embrace. I untangled myself from him and went back upstairs to face my father. I was engulfed by Abby who smothered me in hugs and apologies before I could even step out of the elevator. Although my anger at Gibbs had resolved, my anger at my father was still raw.
I saw him as I came around the corner. I leant my hands on his desk and bent over it.
"Thanks for leaping to my defence, father" I said.
"I thought we trusted each other" came his response.
"Oh yeah? What if I had told you? What would you have gone and done! There was nothing anyone could have done! If you hadn't lost track of her in the first place you wouldn't have given her killers the chance!! I said slamming my fists on his desk harshly, the pain shooting up my arm soothed me a little.
"Ok, I just thought that if you needed to tell me something you would trust me enough to tell me" he said.
"It's not that I don't trust you, I do…but she made me promise not to tell you. You know I'm an honest person…I did what she asked of me!" I said. I looked over at Ziva who had an overwhelming look of guilt in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Bethany, truly I am…I know that is was not your fault" she said sincerely.
"It's ok, you're not my mother" I said, I sounded much harsher than I'd intended.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. It's just…Jenny was my friend too and you all acted like I didn't care about her and I do"
"I know you do" she said getting up from her desk and wrapping me in a hug. The air was still thick between me and my father.
"I'm sorry, dad" I said, knowing that the stubborn ass he was wouldn't apologise until I did.
"You're growing up-you can really stand up for yourself, you definitely get that from me" he said getting up.
"I'm 18, dad…I'm not a kid anymore" I say.
"I know" he said approaching me. "You're my daughter…all grown up, I'm sorry" he said genuinely. He hugged me and I was tense at first but gradually relaxed.
***
A few days later was Jenny's funeral. Ziva had more or less never spent a night from my father and one morning I found that my father had crawled into bed beside Ziva in the spare room.
Gibbs had requested that I sang at the funeral and it was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I tried to think of a song that she liked. I remembered that she loved the musical Mamma Mia, so I chose; What's the Name of the Game and Our Last Summer.
After the service we all returned to NCIS where the new director of NCIS, Leon Vance was waiting for my father and the rest of the team. They all went up to MTAC and left me to busy myself with Ziva's mighty collection of killer paper clips.
"What the hell is going on in there?" Abby said, I swivelled on Ziva's chair to face her, she was sitting at Gibbs' desk.
"I don't know, they've been gone ages!" I said. Somehow, I couldn't help but think that it had something to do the events of the last few days.
"So…how's Your dad and Ziva?" Abby asked. I knew she'd been dying to ask me ever since we were left alone.
"She practically lives with us" I say but that isn't enough juicy detail for Abby's line of gossip.
"So what are they like at home?" she asks me
"Just like here I suppose" I said flicking through a movie trivia guide that I found in Ziva's draw.
"Oh, so they haven't you know…" I know exactly what she's getting at.
"I don't know…why would I know anyway?" I ask
"Well, don't you ask?" Abby said. I frown at her.
"Erm, no sorry…I don't make a habit of enquiring about my fathers sex life…besides, what about you and McGee?" I say.
Our crude conversation is disrupted when the team emerges for the belly of MTAC. No one looks remotely pleased, infact they look devastated…I found myself thinking what else could possibly go wrong
"Hey guys!" Abby said cheerfully. Gibbs looked absolutely livid. I got up from Ziva's desk. She took one look at me and Abby then at Tony and fled the office in tears without even looking back.
"What the hell happened in there?" I said.
"Yeah guys, what's going on?" Abby reiterated. My father looked pale and scared, unable to answer us…something very bad had just happened.
"Gibbs?" Abby said watching him sit down where she had just been.
"Vance split the team up" he said quietly. I focused on him as he kept his head down, avoiding looking at Abby who had tears streaming down her face. He looked old and tiered and extremely unhappy.
"I don't understand…split you up? What does that mean?" I asked feeling very vulnerable all of a sudden.
"How could this happen?" Abby sobbed into McGee's shoulder.
"McGee's moving to Cyber Crimes…"Gibbs began but my father interrupted him.
"Ziva's being sent back to Israel, Bethany" he said, I could see it in his eyes he was on the verge of tears.
My stomach dropped. Ziva was going away! The whole team was being split up? Forever? The idea didn't bare thinking about. Ziva going back to Mossad? Where she was going to be in constant danger…away from my father.
"But…you're staying right?" I asked him. The tension in the room was so thick my eyesight was beginning to blur with dizziness and panic.
"I've been assigned on Agent Afloat, RSS Ronald Regan" he said.
"Surely that can't happen, you're Bethany's guardian, they can't take her father away from her" Abby argued.
"She's 18, as far as Vance thinks, she can look after herself" he said
"I can but that's not the point, I don't have a job, I won't be able to pay the rent or buy food!"
"Gibbs please do something?" Abby begged. I'd lost the ability to speak.
"For how long?" I croaked. I Dreaded what the answer would be.
"Six months" I heard him say, I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry. My father was being taken away from me and Ziva was going to be thousands of miles away from me.
"When does this start from?" I asked.
"Tomorrow" Gibbs said working furiously at his computer.
"Can't you fix this, Gibbs?" I asked, he ignores me.
"Jethro? Please!" I said, I never use his first name but I'm one of the few who is allowed, since he isn't my boss.
"I'll try to think of a plan but until then there's nothing I can do…Ziva is flying out tomorrow morning" he said, emotionless.
"So soon?" McGee piped out.
"Same for you too, DiNozzo" Gibbs went through a nice phase of calling people by their first names but now he's stopped.
I remembered a conversation Ziva and I once had about what would happen to her if she ever got sent back to Israel and to the Mossad. She told me she never wanted to return to the Mossad because she'd been in America for too long. She said that she would be emotionally too weak and they would retrain her…if she was too soft…she said they would probably kill her.
"But she'll die out there Gibbs! They'll kill her! If they find out that it was her that killed Ari!" I said.
"Don't make this any harder than it already is, Bethany please" Gibbs said to me sounding absolutely exhausted.
"Everyone go home, DiNozzo, you've got an early start tomorrow" Gibbs said, My father reached for his rucksack and started to fill it with the contents of his desk. Ziva had just left everything on hers.
"Bethany, come on" my father called me over. I looked over a Gibbs, he looked devastated, apart from us, he had no one.
"I'll meet you at the dock tomorrow morning" Gibbs said. "You're boat leaves after Ziva's flight so we'll all drive her to the airport" he said. I imagined that for him, loosing Ziva was like loosing another daughter.