Considering about life.
I am afraid, nothing makes sense. I wish for nothing if not to be gone because I do not know what else to wish for. I hope for nothing. yet it is like I am lost , not knowing what to believe what I would wish for does not exist or it's existence has not been proven. I feel like I could just waist there hopping, waiting for something to happen that will not happen because it can not happen. But if I stop hopping for it then, what am I supposed to wait for, wish for what will be there to keep me alive.
What is life. I am afraid because I know not who would listen to me, without jugging, understanding. who could help. I tried to find a reason, a goal, but I can't I have found nothing to anchor me I trust no one. Those I love I hate equally. I am alone, like so many others. I would like to go but I scared of coming back. I am scared of coming back having forgotten why I left and somehow, again wishing to go. I am afraid to disappoint. I have done so before, I have seen how they looked at me, how I saw myself, how I wanted, how I want to disappear. I want to forget, I want to be forgotten.
I do not believe that I was made for this world. My mind lies somewhere else somewhere that I can not access. I am alone and am afraid. I do nor understand, because in the end nothing makes sense. I could try blinding myself. Hiding in fake desires, doing meaningless acts to achieve said desires, but then again knowing so just, kills the will to do so because it would make no sense, whilst doing so and in the end. I wonder if things would be different if I had people around me. Would they keep my thoughts away from wondering about such things as sense and finding a meaning to everything, or would I be oblivious to all of that until suddenly they would drift apart from me and I would see the rift, would I sometime see like a ripple threw space that would shift the light and my perception, allowing me to glimpse the void that truly lies behind everything.
I sound pathetic, I now I do because I can feel it. In itself, me asking question about sense makes none. After all, there is no way in knowing if there is one at all or not. Is it a matter of reaching the end? Will we know then? Or not because whatever we do now the end still comes. What is the purpose of coming what are we to do between now and then? I am lost, it is like being at the train station but not knowing which train to board and which destination to head to. Better yet, I feel like I am in a white space with no horizon no up or down no east or west no south or north, just being there, trying to believe that there is somewhere to go but knowing where, not even sure said place exists and that there is a way to get there. I cry, out of frustration, because I do not understand and can make no sense of it, because I can not make the difference between what is real and what is not.
As I have said before, I am lost. Part of me wants helps, someone to come and guide me, give me direction, show me the way. But the other part shuns it because it would be like blinding myself, hiding, covering my eyes and ears. And I would become mindless because thinking would bring me back to my initial state. I am truly and utterly lost. I could go and sleep now, knowing that when I wake up this moment of 'lucidity' might have past. That I would go back to my routine, but that things would still make no sense. Or I could go to sleep, wishing that I not wake up, knowing that I most likely will, and be absolutely terrified when I will to see that nothing would have changed. I would still be the same, my questions would remain, the world would be the same, nothing would be making sense and my compass would still be looking for the north. Lord am I scared.