This letter is very different, but I'm quite proud of it. Once again thanks A TON to everyone that has reviewed or put this on alert. I can't say how much it means.
Tess,
I think I owe you an explanation. I know it isn't something you want to hear, but I know it's something you need to know. I'm guessing this is the last time I'll ever be in contact with you, so please don't burn this letter or tear it up because I know it won't seem like it now but you'll regret it if you do.
I'm so sorry. I know that no words can ever make up for what I did, and I don't expect you to forgive me. You didn't deserve it, and I'll never forgive myself either. So please keep reading, I owe you so much more than an explanation but at the moment it's all I can give.
It started the day after your two month anniversary. I was out at some club with Ella, I can't remember the name, and he was there. He walked over to say hi, and I was incredibly drunk at the time, even though I shouldn't have touched the drink. If I could go back ... but I can't. I know I can't.
Anyway, we talked and I don't even remember what he said but I remember our hands brushing. Next thing I know our lips are clumsily pressed against each other and our breath tastes of alcohol. He pulled away, mumbling something about how he didn't want to hurt you. I should have walked away, I know I should have, but the alcohol was making my head pound and thinking straight wasn't an option.
Next thing I can remember is being in a hotel room. I think you can guess what happened. I know it won't make you feel any better but I remember him moaning your name. That was the first time.
It didn't happen for four weeks after that. I told myself it would never happen again. Remember when you invited me to your party and I said I was ill? I wasn't, I just didn't want to face you. I ignored Shane after that. I couldn't bear looking at your face either because all the memories of that night rushing back to me like they did when I found myself alone. I hated myself for it, yet I still longed for Shane, for that night. I'm such a twisted person, Tess.
The second time was two weeks after your part. Over a month since the first time. I put it down to me being drunk, and there was a silent agreement between Shane and I not to tell you. I was outside, taking a walk, when I heard him beside me. I knew it was him because my heart started beating unnaturally fast.
"Caitlyn." He whispered, and the sound of my name on his lips sent tremors down my spine. I don't know why I did it, I feel like such a bitch looking back, but I turned. I thought I could ignore him, but my self control is nonexistent when it comes to him. He smiled softly at me, and that smile is what did it. I pushed my lips against his, silencing his protests. We kissed for minutes before we finally pulled away, gasping for air.
"Shane please come back to my flat with me." I begged, pleading him to do it all again, regardless of all the things I'd thought prior to this.
"Caity you know I can't. Tess is my life now."
Those words broke my heart, but I knew at that moment it would never happen again. How wrong I was. I ran away with tears streaming down my face, ignoring his calls. I hated him, but most of all I hated myself for letting this happen. I know this won't help you but I didn't want to hurt you, I never planned to.
Of course, you know it happened again. Just one last time. But you caught us. Your face is forever going to be in my mind. Your look of confusion, horror and disgust.
I'm so sorry Tess. You should know that if I could I would go back in a heartbeat and change it all, but you of all people know that nobody is perfect.
Thank you for reading.
Caitlyn.