Chapter 5: Cause for Hope

Dear Sasuke,

I saw you today. You were training in a clearing in the forest. It's a little pathetic how in that moment I felt twelve years old again, pining away for you like some sad little puppy trying to obtain the prize just out of reach. I wanted to run to you and than hold me in your arms and tell me everything would be okay, as time stood still for us. I almost lost myself and called out for you, but just as quickly as those irrational thoughts came to me, reality set in just as fast. I remembered that I wasn't that desperate little girl starved for affection anymore. I remembered everything I went through since you left, and I was able to reign in those emotions and run away in the opposite direction.

It's a bit weird don't you think? Did you ever think I would reach a point where I was able to control my emotions and do the sensible thing? Time really does change people, and experience makes you wiser. I wonder how much you've changed. You seem so different, and that's only from what I observe written on paper.

You must have seen so many horrible things. How did you do it? How were you able to turn a blind eye and allow those atrocities to occur? There must have been some small part of your old self that still understood right and wrong. I don't mean to lecture or judge, but I want you to know that in your quest for revenge you became just as ruthless as Itachi. I'm sorry I know that it is not my place to try and make you feel guilty. I'm sure you have enough to last a few lifetimes. I'm going off subject anyway, because I'm supposed to be telling you about me.

I think I'm trying to deflect because what I am about to tell you is the most painful part of my past. I don't really know how to go about presenting the information, so I guess I'll just get it over with. After things were beginning to look up for me and I started feeling like a real human again I decided it was time for me to start taking being a ninja seriously. I began training like crazy, using every opportunity available to get stronger. I accepted every mission that came my way, even if I was exhausted.

During this time Naruto was out doing everything in his power to get stronger. I didn't get to see him for a long time, but we kept in touch with letters. I guess that is where my affinity for the written word developed. Everyone was so shocked at how unbelievably strong he was upon his return. Not me though. At that point I had learned never to underestimate him in any context. Looking back I think I always knew he had the potential to become something incredibly special. That's one of the reasons I was such a brat to him when we were little. I was jealous. I was jealous of his drive and determination. Mostly I was jealous of his ability to take criticism and rise above it. Harsh words used to knock the wind right out of me. Anyway I'm getting off the subject again, so let me get back on track.

One night after a particularly difficult mission I returned to find the village in a state of panic. At first I thought we were under attack. I prepared myself mentally for battle and began searching for the source of the commotion. I followed the screams and cries to my side of town and my heart stopped. All of the buildings in my neighborhood were engulfed in flames and the fire was spreading rapidly. It was pure chaos. Women were screaming, children were crying and almost every ninja left in the village was trying to put out the flames. Their efforts were in vain though, because no matter how much water they used the flames just kept going. My observations spanned the length of a few seconds before I began to act. I began looking for my parents and younger brother. I searched everywhere, and asked anyone I came across. No one had witnessed my family leave the house.

At this point my rational side flew out the window. I was not thinking clearly as I made my way to my front door. There was fire everywhere, and deep down I knew that there could not possibly be any survivors, but I didn't care. I tried to get inside, but someone held me back. I don't remember much after that because someone had given me a sedative. All I remember are the dreams. I dreamt about happier times when our team was whole and everything was right in my little world. The dreams would all end horribly. Someone would die, or leave and life would never be the same.

When I finally woke up I was informed that my family had perished. I didn't know what to do. I'd never experienced pain and emptiness of that magnitude. I once told you that if you left it would feel the same to me as being alone. Obviously I was naïve and stupid. I didn't understand the meaning of loneliness, until I was literally alone in the world. My family was gone, my closest friend was far away, and you were gone. I think this was where I finally understood some of what you were feeling. I'd like to apologize now for not being a good teammate and not empathizing with your situation. Instead I bombarded you everyday with unwanted emotions and affections. I'm sorry; I was pretty selfish in those days.

After the funeral services I didn't speak for weeks. I just didn't trust my voice and I was sick of crying. I decided it would be better if I just turned my emotions off, so I couldn't feel anything. I was numb for months. All I did was train and fight. For awhile I went after the rogue ninjas who had destroyed my family, but I realized that revenge and the thought of revenge left a bitter taste in my mouth. I would just be bringing myself to their level. Not to knock you in anyway, I have come to learn that everyone handles tragedy differently, and my situation didn't hit as close to home because I never knew the ones responsible for my families demise. I decided that I would dedicate my life to saving people. This is when I began to train as a medic ninja. I was gifted in that area, it came naturally.

Once again I began to throw myself into missions, but this time I was trying to avoid the pain that loneliness brings instead of rejection. Shikamaru came into my life at the perfect time. I was at my lowest and feeling that I had no reason to live. I never considered suicide, but it would have been an easy way out. Everything that I had ever loved in my life was gone. Even Naruto was gone, because after awhile the letters stopped coming.

It started slowly. He began training with me, accepting missions with me, and walking me home in the evenings. I found it a little odd that he was going out of his way to be around me considering how lazy he's known to be, but I didn't look into it that much. He would do all the talking and I would kind of half-listen. After awhile he started showing up at my apartment and inviting me places. Most of the time we would just lie in the grass and watch the clouds, and he would talk. It doesn't seem like much, but his presence was soothing and I began to love his voice. The tone put my mind at ease, and with each word that came spilling out of his mouth the wall that had developed around my heart began to chip away.

One day I finally asked why he wanted to be around me so much. He smiled the most genuine smile I've ever seen and said, "Because you have such a calm and beautiful soul, and I'd do anything to see you smile again." I was floored. I couldn't remember a time that anyone had ever said something that wonderful to me, it had also been years since I had received a compliment since Naruto was gone. Needless to say it brought a smile to my face, and we were inseparable after that.

There were still days when the pain was almost too much to bear, but he helped me through them. Little by little I found reasons to smile. I began to look forward to seeing him, and I missed him terribly when we were on separate missions. For the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I didn't even have to think about it. It was bliss most of the time, but I'd be lying if I said I never thought of you. As much as I adore him, I don't think I'll ever feel for anyone what I feel for you.

It's a horrible thing to say, and I feel rotten for even thinking it, because he found me and put me back together and took me away from the darkness. I'll admit that when he asked me to marry him I hesitated. The little fool inside of me who had never left finally spoke up. She reminded me that there was still a part of me that was hoping you would come home someday, realize you couldn't live without me, and ask me to marry you. I hope this doesn't freak you out, but sometimes I think about what our children would've looked like and it makes me smile.

I shouldn't discuss things of this nature, because it is inappropriate. I've promised myself to another man, and I am nothing if not a woman of my word. He may not be you, but he does have one thing going for him that you never will, he loves me. He loves me because I make him happy and I love him because he makes me happy.

You know, you coming home has really thrown a wrench into my life. Sometimes it all I can do to keep myself from hunting you down and clobbering you. Other days, like today, I have to exercise all my self-control to prevent myself from throwing myself at you. I want you to really understand why I can't see you right now. I just don't trust myself around you, and my reaction today only re-enforces that fear. There is still quite a large part of me that wants you, despite the fact that I am in love with someone else. You are like a bad habit that I just keep falling back into.

If this is too much information for you I apologize, but now that the words are flowing I can't seem to make them stop. Must be all those years of repressed emotions getting the better of me, but I need to get it off my chest. Maybe this will all be too much for you and you'll never want to see me again. That would probably be best for everyone.

Anyway, since this may be my last letter to you, because I doubt you'll be writing back, I may as well tell you about what is going on in my life now. Work is good, and I love what I do. I don't accept as many missions as I used to because I prefer to spend more time at the hospital healing people. I used to enjoy the thrill of being out in the open during an assignment, but nothing compares to saving someone's life. It really is exhilarating! People finally depend on me for a change. Last week I was able to save a man who had been poisoned. His little boy gave me a kiss and told me I was his hero. I can't even begin to describe how amazing that made me feel.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't always a walk in the park. Sometimes there are situations where not matter how hard I try and how much I put in, I can't save them. Those days are beyond painful, but the good definitely outnumber the bad.

Shikamaru has been sent on a difficult mission. He's going to be gone for quite awhile, so we decided to postpone the wedding for a few months. He leaves in about a week. I'm really going to miss him. I'm also a little conflicted with how I feel about postponing the wedding. There's a part of me that is disappointed because I'm ready to be married and would do it tomorrow if it was feasible, but there is a bigger part of me that is relieved because now I have extra time to think about the commitment I am making. I am such a bad fiancée. I swear though that when we are married I will do everything in my power to make him happy and be a good wife to him. He deserves no less.

I have to go now. I'm due back at the hospital soon. I guess this is goodbye as well. Despite our rocky history, I wish you nothing but happiness, and I'm glad that you came home and can start over.

Best Wishes,

Sakura

Sasuke put the letter down with a smirk on his face. He knew he shouldn't be feeling so smug because of all the pain she had been through, but he couldn't help it. Despite everything that he had put her through she still loved him, he just knew it. He still had a chance, and he was going to exhaust every opportunity to make her a permanent part of his life. It may not be the honorable thing to do, especially since Shikamaru wouldn't be around to protect his interests, but he took this a sign. Fate was removing his biggest obstacle towards his happiness.

He now understood that Sakura was what was missing in his life. If she would accept him again it would make everything that was wrong in his life disappear. It would make him forget about the merciless path he took for revenge. He needed to see her, even if she wouldn't didn't want to see him he had to see her. At least from a distance, and it was only fair because she had seen him hadn't she?

He would see her than he would begin planning how to try and make her forget about Shikamaru. The saying, "Alls fair in love and war" began to take on a whole new meaning in his mind. With that last thought he set off in search of his happiness.