Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything. I make nothing on this.
A/N: Please heed the rating for this chapter especially. And stop now if you are conservative - I got a little fluffy and there are for sure sexual situations and cursing. I tried to censor myself, but not to the detriment of the story. Thank you for the nice reviews and hopefully I don't disappoint myself here. I've got quite a bit more written, but not typed, so...enjoy...
Seeing Severus sitting across from her at her kitchen table, a hot cup of tea between his hands, made Lily smile. He seemed uncomfortable, fidgeting slightly and not meeting her eyes. She looked at him anyway - acknowledging her surprise at his gentleness with her. He was protective obviously, but for the first time, Lily found comfort that he was as kind to her as he was the night before. She didn't find it hard to believe that many other young men would have taken advantage of her state, especially with the way she had come on to him.
She felt like there was something...something she was missing. Some truth that eluded her. She found herself staring at his hands again, the knuckles protruding as he gripped the cup.
He looked very tired - eyes shaded by shadows both above and below, line creasing his forehead as his nose wrinkled.
"Never learned to make proper tea, did you, Lily?"
She burst out laughing and he smirked, his eyes sparkling at her as he took another sip from his cup.
When she had calmed, she found herself grinning at him. "I suppose," she said firmly, "some things never change."
His eyes darted to hers and the silence was uncomfortable. He did not look away and she wondered if he would...so she did.
"I should go," he said, standing quickly. "Thank you for the tea." He tapped the table once before turning to go.
"You don't have to go."
He went completely still. "I do."
"No," she said, rising from her chair and approaching him slowly. She put her hand on his arm. "I would like you to stay."
He spun and met her eyes. "Why?"
The question startled Lily. Was she completely off base? Was the attraction nothing more than nostalgia? Was she horrible for needing him to stay? No, she reasoned, he wants me to say it.
"I want you, " she purposely paused, "to stay." She felt a bit cheesy, but knew it would guarantee a reaction.
His expression did not change for a long moment. Then it contorted into something unfamiliar. He was obviously unsure what to do or say.
"Will you have me beg?" she asked, unable to keep a hint of sarcasm from her tone. She wanted him to see her concede a bit - so he would do the same. She couldn't tell if he understood.
"I am such a fool..." he whispered as he brought his lips to hers, his arms going around her waist and clasping her lower back with his strong hands. His kiss was enticing, his lips moving against hers as his tongue danced with her own. She felt need there...and something deep inside her ached in response...she pressed herself to him, suddenly unable to get close enough to him. Breathing be damned, she thought and slid her hands over his jaw to his ears and into his hair.
He breathed heavily through his nose, then before pulling away, panting, eyes wide.
"Lily, I..." He tried to look away, but palmed his face to keep his eyes on hers. His breath against her lips was surprisingly erotic. "I can't---"
She cut him off with a brief kiss and he didn't continue. She stared into his eyes, trying to explain without words what she wanted, what she was looking for, what she needed him to understand.
"Severus, please. I would like to show you something up in my room." She smiled sheepishly at him. "You'll love it."
He squeezed his eyes shut and for an instant, Lily saw the boy she had known - short, scrawny and fearful, yet arrogant...and excited...she was reminded of his face as he jumped out to tell her she was a witch. It was branded in her memory same as her first kiss, first owl letter, her first bike. His excitement and glee had been apparent on his face in that moment. Lily hadn't been able to look at him straight on...his eager excitement had made his face so bright...
Now it was gone before she could comment, replaced by a sneer.
"Drop the pretense." His mouth hung like he was going to continue, but he didn't. Finally, he just shut his mouth. "You need to bathe."
Lily smiled at him. "So, you'll stay?"
He looked at her, his gaze unreadable, before beginning to walk toward the stairs. "I didn't say that."
She followed him without a word.
---
Lily showered as quickly as she could, but the hot water felt surprisingly nice. To ensure he didn't bolt while she was in the shower, she had insisted he sit on the loo and talk to her.
The conversation quickly became silence, but she rinsed her hair once more before turning off the water.
"Severus?" she said, squeezing her hair, "can you hand me a towel?"
The silence dragged just long enough to worry her and then his hand appeared above the curtain with a blue towel. She dried her hair first, then her body, wrapping the towel around her quickly and yanking back the curtain dramatically.
He was standing in front of the tub with a second towel. He offered it to her, but she stepped onto the mat and reached for him. She knew his clothese were getting wet - her hair was still quite wet, but he had to wrap his arms and drop the towel to keep from falling backwards, but he kept his balance and chanced a glance down at her face.
She was grinning up at him, her eyes bright and dewy. Her headache was nearly gone and after the shower, she almost didn't feel like she'd slept outside.
"Oh," she said softly, pulling back and tightening the towel around her bust, "look at your shirt - here, let me -" She reached for the top buttons, but he swatted her hand.
She knew she looked hurt - she felt hurt.
"It'll dry just fine." He tone was careful and slightly apologetic. Lily put her hands on his shoulders and he glanced at them nervously.
"I don't know why you don't want me to take off your bloody shirt, but whatever it is doesn't matter to me."
He stared at her for a moment before quickly unbuttoning his shirt. He was wearing an old undershirt - slightly dingy and stretched out. She furrowed her brow. "I was hoping to feel skin," she whispered and he pulled his undershirt up until just one nipple - dark and small - showed under the grey fabric.
She reached out and placed her palm on his stomach - flat, paler than she could have imagined, not muscular at all...and fine black hairs trailing from his shallow bellybutton. She stroked the hair and had to fight the urge to slide her hand south instead of north.
Instead, she headed for the nipple, letting her fingers glide over his chest, now heaving, his breathing erratic.
Her eyes darted down and she confirmed what she had suspected - he was enjoying himself. He must've noticed because he crushed her t him and held her tightly, her face against his chest as his long arms looped around her. She slid her hands down his sides and felt the sharp jags of his hip bones and then there was the line - a crease in his smooth skin and her fingers followed it without thought into his boxers. He gasped and yanked her hand from between them all at once.
She harumphed in protest, but refused to let him stop kissing her, instead pushing the kiss...becoming more insistent. He finally stepped back and she was forced to stop.
"Don't make me drop my towel, Severus."
He groaned and rolled his eyes, a smile creeping across his face. "You are the devil, Lily Evans."
"Been studying muggles again?"
His eyes darkened. "Must you bring that up?"
She shook her head. "Sorry. After all," she said, pushing past him into the bedroom. He followed close behind. "I'm not trying to push you away."
He seemed unconvinced, but didn't say a word.
She considered putting clothes on, but couldn't decide, so she wrapped her red robe around her before tying it and letting her towel drop away.
Severus sat in her desk chair, facing her, just silently watching her quickly moisturize her face and arms. She figured the legs would be too far.
When she turned to him, she frowned. "Come sit on the bed with me."
He looked pained, but stood and sat at the far edge of her twin bed, sliding til his back hit the wall, his long legs stretched out before him.
It was how they had sat on her bed every time he'd come to visit. Of course, the last time, he'd been smaller...younger...but no less an enigma.
She made to crawl next to him, but instead scrambled onto Severus' lap, straddling him and hugging him tightly to absorb any backlash.
To her surprise, there wasn't any. His hands simply went around her lower back to her hips, resting there lightly, chastely (almost), even as she rose on her knees to press against him and bring her lips to his. She felt no hesitance on her part, instead she was nearly giddy - like she had a new book to crack open or a gift to unwrap.
He seemed to have given up holding back and she felt herself getting swept away by the rising tide of her desire for him. She couldn't quite pinpoint it - what it was - what he did - that made her want to feel his skin against hers. And now, she couldn't help but pull her robe down to her waist and press against his nearly bare chest, her face now right near his.
He looked amused.
She couldn't believe how hard his chest was - and she could see his ribs, but it felt good in contrast to her soft curves and the pressure was familiar, yet new and different...because it was him. It was right - even if it was wrong. And Lily knew she might live to regret this particular seduction, but was helpless to it nonetheless.
His lips and tongue were on her bare shoulder, bared by fisting into her hair and pulling it away from her. Her breath caught as he nibbled her heavily freckled skin and then the milky pale expanse further up her neck where the sun hadn't touched. He couldn't seem to keep his hands from roaming - over and over going back to her hips after straying to her forearm, her back, the top of her behind...it was nearly maddening.
She rocked against him, the layers of clothing not hiding his desire for her. Bringing her mouth to his, their tongues dueled and she marveled at his improvement from the evening before - the pace was neither fast nor slow - it varied, depending and he often darted his warm, wet tongue to caress her lip or graze her teeth. He had obviously noticed her early attempt to touch his twisted tooth. It brought a smile to her face. But Lily realized then that Severus kissed just like she did and she understood.
Her heart broke, but she couldn't help herself. With a suddenness that made her swoon, Lily felt a tear gather in her eye. He was unlike anyone she had ever met or would ever meet again. Her throat was filling.
"I love you."
His eyes immediately shut and he pulled away, but didn't let go.
She smiled when his eyes opened and darted to her bare breasts. He was human after all.
"Why are you doing this?" He sounded tormented, but his hands were circling her waist over and over, sending flutters and shivers down through her middle to her toes and back up, welling deep inside.
"How can you not?"
He looked at her questioningly, his hands still circling her, as if he had forgotten he was doing it. "What do you mean?"
"Admit how you feel." His grasp tightened. "Isn't that the proper response in this situation?" she asked, rubbing his thin chest, feeling his bones just beneath the skin.
"I don't see how it would alter anything beyond today. Tomorrow or the next day, I will be alone again. So please, Lily, tell me how my life will be enriched by admitting feelings for you or anyone else!" He had pulled away more and seemed to be looking intently at the window where the sun was peeking in under the shade.
"Don't push me away. I've never told someone who wasn't my family that I love them - doesn't that count for anything?"
He looked doubtful. "I am to believe you have never said...those words...erm, to Potter?"
She laughed. "No, he says it to me all the time, but we've only been dating seven months or so, Sev. Besides," she bit her lip, "sometimes he can be a real git. I look at you and the goodness in you jumps out because it's hidden. His goodness isn't hidden, his...mischieviousness is."
"Mischief? Dangerous stunts and cruelty more like."
She gave him a look. "He can be quite sweet if --"
"Enough," he said, raising his hand to stop her. "I find that hard to believe and I will remain unconvinced."
She was surprised, but tried to keep him from seeing it, turning her open mouth into a yawn. "Maybe I should go to bed." She didn't move from his lap though.
"Is that a hint for me to leave?"
She looked at him sharply. He looked quite sad.
She shook her head and leaned forward to kiss him again, trying to ignore her urges - to unbutton the top button of his pants and find that line - that crease - again. Or slide her robes off and guide his hand between her legs...just so his knuckles would graze between her legs...
This time, when she began to rock against him, he let out a long sigh and grabbed her behind, pressing her against him as he squirmed against her. A moan escaped her lips as they kissed and she felt his eyes on her, but she kept her own eyes shut.
With blind fingers, she dared to undo his pants. This time, there was no resistance and she quickly slid her hands down his belly, into his boxers.
She ran her hands down to a part of Severus she had never thought she would actually see. She still hadn't, but she was so excited to think she could - if she just glanced down.
She could feel him trembling as she took him in her hands, keeping her touch light and gentle. He was already sticky - she smiled against his lips, but didn't end the kiss. She knew he wouldn't tell her when that had happened.
His hands had slid to her breasts, squeezing lightly...almost absentmindedly...occasionally sighing heavily and even gasping once before he began to gently move her hands.
She looked at him questioningly, more than a little nervous suddenly.
"It's...it's too much." Sweat had broken across his brow.
She kissed his nose. "Sorry."
He smiled. "Please, don't apologize."
"Did you know you're a really good kisser?" she asked softly, not meeting his eyes.
There was a long pause. "You aren't bad yourself." She swatted him playfully. "Ok, so you're pretty good."
"Better. Not great, but I won't smack you for it."
He smiled. "You're an amazing kisser, Lily." He embraced her and she fell back against the bed, pulling him down with her.
He moved a bit, shifted things around and in the end, her robe had come undone and she felt his hands on her bare thighs before she saw his face move to kiss her hip.
She had to fight not to buck her hips as he left slow, sloppy wet kisses up her torso to her lips and when they were finally face to face, she brought her legs to wrap around him.
He met her eyes and said, face serious, his eyes wide, "You can still stop...as much as I..." the words seemed to be painful, "...as much as I am enjoying myself, I don't want to be seduced out of pity."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. She had not considered that he might think that way. "Do you...is that how you really feel?"
He did not answer.
"Severus, if that is how you feel, maybe you should go."
He met her eyes then. "If you wish."
"No I don't wish, but I don't want to seduce you."
He started a bit. "I--"
"No!" she could feel her face reddening as her words became more angry, "I thought this was something else. I was obviously wrong." She began to rise, moving away from him.
He grabbed her arm, his grip tight and firm. "I'm sorry."
She gave him a look, her heart hardening a bit. "You say that a lot."
His eyes shut for a moment and his mask of apathetic blankness returned. "You said I was forgiven."
Damn. "Yes. I have forgiven you for that, but this is another matter altogether."
"Then why bring that up?"
"Because!" she slammed her free hand onto the bed. "Because I'm angry Severus and I hate it! You always make me so damn mad and I am sick of trying to make you believe me!"
His face fell, but his grip on her arm remained. "I apologize, but I am not accustomed to compliments. I am even less accustomed to female attention."
His words did little, but his tone was truly apologetic and calm. She took a deep breath. "So your response is to run? To push me away? To give up? I did that already and I was hoping..."
"Hoping?"
She couldn't look at him. "Well...I was hoping you understood."
He sighed. "Understand what?"
"I want you to stay."
"You have said that."
"If you stay, I would like you to stay here."
"Here?"
She knew he was staring at her - she could feel his gaze. "At my house." She waited. No response. "In my room."
His voice shook slightly as he said, "I guess I could sleep on the floor."
She glanced at him and was held riveted by his eyes. There were small crinkles around his eyes as he peered at her. She kept herself from smiling, but just barely. "That won't be necessary."
"Really." His voice was deceptively calm.
"Argh! Severus must we talk and talk and talk?"
He fidgeted, his dark hair hanging in his face as he glanced down. "I don't know what happens now."
At this she turned away, smiling widely. "I guess that depends. But really, why talk about it?"
He was silent for a long time and when she turned to him again, he was just gazing at his hand on her arm.
"I'll take care of you, Sev."
He met her eyes, a slight smirk on his thin lips. "I'm sure I'll manage."
She drank in the eager and nervous look in his eyes, the tremble in his hands. She settled back on the bed and pulled him to her. Tucking his hair behind his ears, she took a good look at him before bringing his lips to hers.
Things progressed slowly, Lily following his lead. She was nearly naked already, so she helped him from her clothes and soon they lay together, naked, both trembling.
She ogled him - and she knew it, her face reddening, but he was so thin, long and somehow beautiful. The hair was black like on his head, but somehow finer than she would have expected from a man's leg. She saw scars and even fresh marks, but they had little pigmentation, as if they were simply flesh-colored lumps. Her fingers lingered on one on his back, but he brought his lips to hers again and she was soon unable to focus on anything but the feeling of him between her legs, his bony hips pressed hard against her fleshier thighs. She could feel heat emanating from between them and he seemed determine to draw it out...or more likely, he didn't know what do do next.
She reached between them and grasped him gently, not breaking the kiss. She positioned him at her opening, held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut.
"Try to breathe," she whispered and slid him in a bit before using her legs to embrace him.
He did not take a breath until he had sunk in to the hilt. A feeling of victory washed over Lily. Severus was tense and breathing heavily, despite being completely still.
"Don't move..." he finally whispered. She smiled to herself, but he saw and shook his head. "Please..."
She nodded and his breathing slowed a bit. She moved her hips - just a little - and he moved in and out once before collapsing, sweating atop her.
"I am so sorry."
She giggled, feeling his softness between her legs.
"It's like that the first time." He started to pull out, but she wrapped her legs around him again and he stilled. "Just wait a bit." And she slid her hand into his hair to kiss him, her tongue sliding deliciously into his warm mouth.
To his credit, he was ready quickly and this time, his concentration was commendable. Lily felt things building so quickly that she forgot to hold back and was soon thrusting up to meet him. Her eyes rolled back and all thought left her mind. She clung to him for dear life, urging him on with her soft moans and noises.
"Lily, Lily, Lily..." her name fell from his lips with each motion forward. She held to him and the tightly coiled sensation inside her broke and flooded through her, her inner spasms milking him as he came.
He was left panting over her, his arms shaking, mouth gaping open.
His vulnerability touched her - the inherent humanity of the moment...the sweaty nineteen-year-old boy, no young man, inside her had a giant grin on his face.
With a kiss, he moved to her side, cuddling beside her on the small bed. She rolled toward him and found he was still smiling.
She couldn't help but compare her new lover to her old one - the first one. Getting intimate with James had been fun - exciting at first, as it was new and exciting - but Severus was...passionate. Every touch, every look seemed steeped in emotions. It was so very different from his public persona. She would have to ask him about that...
Lily yawned. "Shall we nap?" She reached out for him.
He nodded, still smiling.
"You're happy." It was a statement. He nodded. "Me too."
He stroked her face. "Sleep now."
Her hand grabbed his. "Don't you dare leave!" She could feel herself nodding off. "Please...for me, Sev."
He met her droopy eyes and nodded. "For you."