Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

The first howler arrived just before dinner that evening. Sirius was not happy with her, at least that was the bottom line of his angry, slightly drunken tirade.

The second was not actually a howler, but it made Lily feel far worse.

Evans,

I won't pretend to know your side of this situation. I also will not assume to have any business intruding. However, I found James in quite a state today. He smashed a mirror in his room, cutting his hand. Then he began to drink.

By the time I arrived, James was completely tossed and Sirius appeared to be joining him rapidly.

He's a wreck. When he finally laid it all out for me, he was beside himself. Don't tell him I told you. I hope you know what you're doing.

Remus Lupin

She crumpled the parchment in her fist. How dare Remus try to guilt her into feeling...what? How did she feel about James? Of course she felt bad for James. He had feelings like anyone else and she cared for him. In his own way, he was charming and sweet and kind. His easy banter with her, his playful teasing, his large hands.

She destroyed the letter and tidied the kitchen. Petunia had left again and Severus was reading in her room while she made something to eat.

Her mind drifted as she gathered crackers, cheese and fruit, opting not to cook.

Her thoughts drifted to her first kiss with James. It had been long before we actually started dating in seventh year - infact, it was shortly after the mudblood incident, she thought, almost guiltily.

It had been a Gryffindor party - a game of Spin-the-Bottle. She had a sneaking suspicion he had charmed the butterbeer bottle, as she nor James spun anyone else for four turns. The group had kicked them out and James had followed Lily into the halls.

She kept walking, aware of him behind her, but figured he would give up if she kept walking and ignored him.

Instead, he followed her silently.

When she reached a dead end, she turned quickly, hoping to catch him off guard.

No such thing for the athletic Quidditch player before her. James met her eyes with a smug, expectant smile, stepping nearer and nearer, even as she backed away. Her back met the stone wall and he put his hands on either side of her shoulders. He peered at her, an amused look now on his handsome face.

It made her want to slap him...or kiss him. She found her eyes riveted to his lips. The earlier kisses in the Common Room had been chaste, at least in comparison to those she'd shared with her last boyfriends, but it hadn't been bad - his lips were soft and he was gentle with the kisses he'd pressed to her lips...but there, pinned between him and the wall, she wondered if he would dare to kiss her without a charmed bottle between them.

Later, she knew she was a fool to think he wouldn't.

His face neared hers so slowly, she couldn't help but hold her breath. His lips pressed chastely and she inhaled deeply through her nose. His tongue darted to test the seam of her mouth and she let him take the lead, setting a slow pace - almost excruciatingly slow...she kept trying to speed him up - lead by example, right? Eventually, she simply ended the kiss.

The smile on his face looked suspiciously like gloating.

"Erm, thanks, Potter." She smiled politely. "I have to go."

His brow crinkled and he opened his mouth once before shutting it again. "Lily, I--"

She cut him off. "I'll see you around." She ducked from under his arm and nearly ran down the corridor. He didn't follow.

---

Severus was on her bed when she came in, his hands folded under his head, eyes closed.

Lily tiptoed to her desk to set down the tray before sitting beside him on the bed. His eyes opened immediately. "Hello." His small smile brought a grin to her face.

"Hi. How are you?"

"No complaints." He reached for her, pulling her onto the bed with him.

"Will you stay?" she whispered, her lips against his cheek. "My dad's away two weeks. We would just have to avoid Petunia."

He didn't say anything, but his hands moved over her slowly. She kissed him briefly and met his eyes.

"I will stay until your father returns...at least to protect you from Potter and his friends." He sneered a little at the name.

She kissed him. She didn't care why he said he stayed, as long as he did.

"I'll have to go home first."

She pretended to ponder this. "Well..." she touched his face, his smile widening to show his teeth, "maybe I could come with you."

His face darkened immediately. "No."

She laid against him, her face beside his. "Please?"

He held her tightly, shaking his head. "My mother..."

"I heard your father passed, how has she been?"

He stilled. "My mother passed three months ago."

"What?" She turned to meet his eyes. "What happened? I didn't read about it?!"

"It was a rare wizarding illness. Not contagious, but fatal. She was peaceful when she went."

"Really?" She eyed him skeptically.

He shrugged. "Yes."

"I am sorry for your losses, Sev."

"And I yours, Lily." He put his hand on her arm and turned away.

"So why can't I go with you to your house? Isn't it your bachelor flat now?"

He held her tighter still. "No. It is still the awful childhood home I detest; however I occasionally have unexpected visitors. Certain people have permission to apparate directly into my home for security purposes and it would not do for them to see you there now."

She felt something she wasn't sure of. Anger? Sadness? Fear? A mixture of the three? "Can't you change the wards?" Her voice was icy.

"I could, but it would arouse suspicions."

She sat back a bit. "I think you should explain."

"Lily, this is not the time. I promise we will discuss it tonight." He pulled her tightly to him, his voice hard still. "I will do what it takes to keep you in my life."

She returned the squeeze and pressed her lips to his skin. She suspected it would be a difficult conversation, but she was willing to at least try to listen.

----

"So let me get this straight. You want to continue on with the Death Eaters?"

"Yes. However, I think I can provide useful information to pass to the Order. Not directly, but there are many ways information could be transferred. I have thought about this and I can't back out, Lily."

"There must be something else."

"Please, tell me, then, because I cannot think of another thing that doesn't end up with you and I dead or me dead and you left unprotected. I...I can't have that."

She watched him pace around her room. "You could go into hiding."

He shook his head. "Not a chance. I haven't the means nor the connections to do that. What about you?"

"Me?"

He stopped and met her eyes. "What will you do if I go into hiding?"

She wasn't sure really. "I...I guess I would go with you."

He knelt before her, his arms wrapping around her. "Lily, I could not do that to you."

"Will you try to speak with the Order?"

His eyes squeezed shut. "Are you asking me?"

Her voice was very soft. "Yes."

"Then I will."

Lily placed her hands on his smooth face. "Thank you."

This time, when they made love, Lily felt sad for the first time.

It would not be the last.

----

A week later, Lily and Severus had settled into an oddly pleasing domesticity. Severus made the tea and breakfast, which involved nothing more difficult than toast. Lily kept them fed the rest of the day and did their laundry. All-in-all, she found the role surprisingly pleasant. Having Severus in the house with her helped with the memories of her mother. It probably also helped that they spent most of their time in her room. It was easier to avoid her sister and it had fewer memories of her mum...

They were tangled together on her bed, the late afternoon sun pouring in from the window. Practise seemed to make perfect for Severus and his eagerness made up for any awkward moments. Most amazing? In direct opposition to his usually persona, Severus became sweet and cuddly post-coitus. He liked to cuddle her and at night, they would fall asleep spooning.

He was caressing her shoulder, his fingers sliding lazily up and down the skin there.

"Sev?"

"Mmm?"

"Remember Mary McKinnon from school?"

His eyes narrowed. "Yes."

"Her birthday is tomorrow and she's having a get-together in the evening...just the girls. I'll be gone a few hours."

He nodded. "That will give me a chance to do some errands."

"You'll come back?" she whispered, grabbing him.

"Without a doubt."

A/N: Yes, it may seem like Lily sort of is too easygoing with some of Sev's "stuff", but if anyone can recall falling in love for real the first time? Oh, nothing else matters for a while there...plus, the conversation is far from over for them. Severus may seem a bit off too, but can anyone say how his personality might have changed (softened) if he'd been getting it regularly and receiving some attention, right? Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!