Disclaimer: Not owned by me.

"You have your wand?" he asked for the eighth time.

"Yes, as do you, Sev...please, don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll meet on my back porch at ten." She smiled, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging tightly. She brought her lips to his and they kissed goodbye, leaving both slightly breathless. Lily found herself smiling as he pulled back and when they apparated separately, her silly grin remained.

---

The evening began as planned, eight girls eating in Mary's dining room of her new apartment, marveling over her good fortune at being able to live on her own (thanks in large part to her parents' fortune).

Try as she might, Lily could not wipe the grin from her face for longer than a few moments and her thoughts returned to Severus over and over.

She could not believe how boring being in love had made her. She was trying to think of something other than her new love when a loud knock came from the other room.

Mary leapt up and went for the door.

Lily heard them before she saw them and panicked momentarily. When Sirius, James, Remus, Petter, Frank Longbottom and a few others entered the room, Lily began to get angry. She tried to catch Mary's eyes, but Mary seemed aware of Lily's aim. Instead, Lily slumped in her seat a bit and berated herself for being such a fool.

She made no move when Sirius snagged Mary and pulled her, noisily, dramatically, up the stairs, obviously toward her bedroom. The others began to leave the table, heading for the TV room, but Lily knew she was not alone.

So the hand on her shoulder was no surprise. She didn't even need to turn. His hand was warm on her shoulder, even through her shirt.

"Lily..." James was trying hard to control his emotions by the sound of his voice. "Can I talk to you?"

His tone made her turn to him. She met his eyes, which looked flat, dull. There were dark hollows beneath them as well. His lips were drawn in a tight line. He reminded her slightly of how Severus looked when he had entered the clearing a little over a week before.

She couldn't help but glance at Remus before exiting. His face was as blank as James'. It did little to calm her nerves.

She followed James as he walked, seemingly with purpose, always just behind him. Finally, they reached a park and he sat on a bench.

She sat beside him, a space purposely left between them. He stared at it pointedly as he spoke.

"How are you, Lily?"

She nearly laughed. "Okay. You?"

He did laugh. "As well as can be expected." He was now staring into the darkness. "Are you happy?"

She didn't hesitate. "Yes."

He sat back, running both hands through his hair. "Well, I guess that's that, then."

Lily didn't know what to say.

He abruptly grabbed her and clutched her to him awkwardly. "A proper good-bye," he muttered. "Only fair."

She put her arms around him and squeezed, her heart breaking for him. She did not want to hurt James. After all, he obviously cared deeply for her and he was her first...

Relaxing some in his arms, she made no move as he stroked her hair. "Lily...can you tell me why?"

She swallowed heavily. "I...I care for you both." She waited for a response, but none came. "I had to make a choice."

His grip tightened on her. "How do you know you aren't making a huge mistake, Lily?" He breathed deeply against her. "He is dangerous."

"He says the same thing about you." She smiled wryly over his shoulder.

"I'm serious. I've protected you from the rumors about him because I know how hurt you were when he called you that name, but he's in deep with Voldemort's people, Lily." He was holding her at arm's length now, his words being punctuated by small shakes. "I can't force you to be with me. Or to not be with him," he sneered and for a moment, Lily couldn't see any of the James she knew there in his face. Only hurt and anger were there now. "But please...please be careful."

She was at a loss for words, but she made a noise...something between a sigh and a sob. He crushed her to him, hugging her tightly, his lips pressed to her temple, warming her skin.

"I just...I thought we were happy together." Another sad sigh. "I'd have given you anything." He smelled familiar still, even though he no longer smelled...right. The scent of his skin no longer made her want to take her clothes off and press her skin to his. It was a shock to Lily. One thing that had been a constant since the start of their relationship had been her physical attraction to him.

The loss made her sad.

"I didn't go looking for it, James," she said softly. "It just sort of happened."

"Ssshhh..." he said, his tone growing more and more raspy. Over and over she was surprised over his reaction to their breakup. She knew she would never have a better chance to ask him.

She placed her hand on his face, bringing his sad eyes to hers. "You'll get over me faster than you think and someday we'll be friends and laugh about all this."

He winced and pushed her away. "You don't understand."

She looked at him, reaching for his arm. He let her put her hand on his forearm, but she felt it tense beneath her fingers. "Explain then."

"I've never done you wrong, Lily." His face twisted into something she had never seen on his handsome face before. "I thought I was going to marry you. So please," he said, his voice instantly growing harsh, "excuse me if the thought of you fucking Snivellus makes me physically ill."

Her mouth fell open. She was angry and ashamed. And angry. She pulled her hand from him and stood, eyeing him. He was staring at his hands sitting in his lap.

His sad stance stilled her rage and she stood before him. She offered her hand and pulled him up into a hug.

He quietly acquiesced, holding her tightly against him. She was reminded of Severus...James had always held her so delicately before...

"I will forgive the last comment as I understand how upset you are and I am very very sorry, James, for hurting you. It's my fault. You wouldn't have me now anyway. I never wanted--"

She was cut off by his warm lips on hers and despite herself, she kissed him back. He tasted so salty and when she put her hand on his cheek to break the kiss, she realized he was crying.

"I'm sorry, James." She squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. "Take care."

"Yeah..." he said, slumping onto the bench.

"Will you get back okay?"

He nodded without looking at her.

"I'll floo Remus to make sure."

He waved his hand at her and she felt tears threatening. She could almost taste his sadness. She could certainly feel it.

"Goodbye, Lily."

She glanced at him, but he did not look up. "Goodbye, James." And she walked away, apparating from the edge of the park.

---

She sat on her porch waiting for Severus for nearly an hour after calling Remus at Mary's. James hadn't come back, but Remus had thanked her politely and hurried to find his friend. Lily closed the connection before Mary could speak, still angry her friend for letting the Marauders come to her home and...

Still, she couldn't deny she felt a bit better - having said a more proper goodbye to James. He deserved someone who thought he hung the moon, not someone always curious about what else was out there.

She cried for a while, letting herself think about their happy memories. It seemed the right thing to do.

Lily had been dating someone else when she first hooked up with James.

Her boyfriend at the time, her third ever, was a fellow seventh year named Clive Brannen. He was a star Quidditch player for Ravenclaw- tall, handsome, big blue eyes and roaming hands. Every time Lily found herself alone with him, he would push her to sleep with him.

He had even started pulling out the "I love you" and "don't you want me to show you how much I love you?" She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing every time.

So when she had caught him with the Hufflepuff pin cushion, Laura Merken, she'd stomped back to the common room in a rage unlike she'd ever felt. She would have her revenge.

Potter was there with his friends, as usual, and when he saw her, his attention went to her immediately, like clockwork.

"Evans - you..." he took in her stance, her expression and stepped back. "You okay?"

She did her best to curb her anger. "I need to go for a walk."

He perked up. "Can I escort you?"

She nodded curtly, but didn't take his proffered arm.

---

She walked quickly, James keeping up, but only just. She stopped at the lake. He stood beside her.

"I caught Clive with Laura Merken."

James didn't say anything. She reached for his hand and interlaced their fingers. He glanced at their hands, then at her face as she turned to him.

"James, I need a little reassurance."

His free arm went around her and pulled her to him, his slight smile quite charming. "I won't disappoint you, Lily."

She smiled at him, feeling so warm against him, their bodies fitting together so intimately, so quickly that she could do nothing else but kiss him, his lips so gentle against hers, his hand cupping her face.

"You have the sweetest lips," he murmured as he kissed her, pulling her bottom lip between his teeth lightly, his tongue running across her lip before sliding further into her mouth.

Her instinct to react to his comment - which sounded suspiciously like a "line" disappeared as the kiss deepened and she found herself responding to him in a way that seemed to surprise them both.

She didn't know how long they stood there snogging, but when she realized how badly she wanted to drag him into the bushes, she pulled back a bit.

She'd never quite experienced a physical attraction to a person like she was suddenly experiencing with James. Maybe it was the years of bickering or simply his body chemistry - she felt something kissing him she had never experienced with any of her previous boyfriends.

They walked back to the castle, but before going in, James turned to Lily. He fidgeted a bit.

"It's supper time."

She looked at him. He was looking her in the eyes and she saw a sparkle there. A twinkle of mischief and laughter and seeing life as fun and nothing more.

"The dorms are nearly guaranteed to be empty." She glanced at him, the hairs on the back of her neck raising...she wasn't sure why. She must've looked angry. "Oh gods, no, no, not for that, Lily." He laughed nervously.

"Oh," she said, smiling a little, "...okay."

---

The boys' dormitory looked nearly the same as the girls' save for the boys had far more Quidditch posters. James had led her to his four-poster and they climbed onto his bed together.

He pulled the curtains, charming them shut.

It was very dark then, with the heavy curtain drawn, and Lily jumped when his hands found her knees.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"S'okay," he said, also whispering. His big, hot hands slid from her knees to her thighs. She couldn't believe his nerve, but also didn't want him to stop...yet.

Before she could speak, his lips crashed onto her chin.

She giggled.

"Sorry," he said softly and this time he brought his lips to her face gently and kissed from her cheek to her lips, whispering softly as he kissed her.

"I really like you, Lily," he let the words tumble out of his mouth quickly, like a confession.

She was glad it was dark, because she didn't answer, just laid back and pulled him with her.

She slid her hands under his shirt, running her hands over his strong chest before pulling his shirt and jumper over his head at once.

He pinned her to the bed again, his hands on her face. "I mean it, Evans. Even if you ran off right now." She could feel his breath on her face - he was very close.

Lily laughed, her hands already unbuttoning her shirt. "Must you always be so emotional, James?"

"Mmm..." he said, nuzzling her neck, "I love hearing you say that."

"You mean e-mo-tion-al?" she drew the word out, at the same time removing her bra and pulling him back atop her.

"Lily..." he whispered, kissing her softly.

"James..." she whispered back, a shiver going down her back, causing her whole body to feel warm and very aware of his body, his kisses, his murmured words.

"I love you--"

"Shhh..." and she captured his lips with hers, pulling him on her, to her...he would be hers.

---

Severus arrived exactly at ten. Lily had been sitting on the back porch for over an hour when he put his arms around her and she pressed her face to his chest and grabbed onto his robes.

He didn't say a word and Lily began to calm - the smell of him seemed to allow her heart to slow to a more normal pace and she sighed happily, savoring the feel of his long, thin limbs, his broad shoulders just above her, his sweet look of concern.

"I missed you..." she croaked out.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

She smiled at him. "I'm fine. Especially now."

"Don't change the subject. We'll go inside and I'll make you tea. Then you can tell me what happened."

She smiled sadly, but followed him inside.

---

"So let me get this straight," Severus said, his voice slightly strangled. "Potter kissed you and you let him." His hands clenched and unclenched on his tea cup.

"Yes, but --"

"You slept with him, didn't you?"

Her head snapped up. "What?"

"You heard me." His voice was surprisingly icy.

"No, I didn't, Severus. I came home to you." She looked at him pointedly. "Maybe I shouldn't have."

He held her eyes, but nodded slightly and stood. He extended one long arm to her. He seemed so tall dressed all in black.

She accepted his hand tentatively, but he grabbed her up, off her feet, pulling her knees around his slim hips, her arms looping about his neck.

She went to kiss him, but he pulled away.

"I have to trust you. But please..." he swallowed and met her eyes. "...please be trustworthy." He kissed her. "It's not easy for me. I can only do this because...well, because it is you."

The look they shared said volumes - for both.

He hitched her up a bit, wrapping his arms around her. With a quick kiss to her nose, he moved down the hall to the stairs, kissed her once more before moving quickly up to her room to her bed.

A/N: Thank you all for the nice reviews. I have the next chapter typed up almost, but the story is starting to go in a weird way I didn't expect, so we'll see if I get it up today or tomorrow. Hope this chapter is more than just a filler...I tried.