Disclaimer: All recognizable things belong to JK Rowling. I make no profit or anything else from this.
A/N: Still trying to get this all (as in the whole story) typed up. I had some other ideas, but they felt...contrived, so I'm trying to stay both realistic and interesting - let me know if I fail! And thanks for all the nice reviews. It really makes my day.
Two days before Mr. Evans was to return home, Severus left Lily with her sister (who had to be bribed to stay in the house) and headed to meet with Lucius Malfoy.
He wasn't sure what to expect from the meeting, but he knew it would not be positive. Severus had not made contact with any of his so-called friends since the night by the river with Lily and he was sure it would be an issue.
Not to mention if they had discovered where he had been during the last two weeks...or who with.
He tried to push the dread he felt inside as far away as he could. He would need to keep himself under strict control for this meeting.
The pub was quite dark and after Severus' eyes adjusted, he saw the thin blonde wizard in the corner. He sat across from Lucius at the table, folding his hands and met the icy glare from his companion.
"You are late."
"I apologize."
Lucius waved his hand dismissively and frowned. "You have been out of contact for far too long. Care to explain, Severus?"
Severus steeled himself, wiping his emotions from both his face and his mind. "I have been preoccupied with an experiment."
The older man's expression did not change. "You will need a far better story for the Dark Lord."
Severus felt the cold dread spooling in his stomach again. "What are you referring to?"
Lucius swirled the amber liquid in his glass slowly, his gaze not leaving Severus. "I visited your home on two separate occasions and you were not there."
Severus lifted an eyebrow. "Perhaps you prefer I sit at home waiting to be summoned?"
"My last visit made it clear you had not been to your home in some time." His eyes narrowed. "I have contacts in the Ministry, Severus."
Severus stayed very still. He had hoped he would not have been important enough to find, especially after less than two weeks out of contact. Finally, he took a deep breath. "I met someone." His voice was confident, but he became nervous and angry as Lucius began to laugh.
"Please, Severus, don't insult me. I know about her. And I'm certain you are intelligent enough to know it cannot last."
Severus could not speak - he knew he would yell at Lucius if he opened his mouth. His hands were clenched in tight fists and he could feel his jaw clenching.
Lucius noted the reaction, but seemed unphased. "It will not be tolerated." His heavy emphasis on the first word made his meaning clear.
Severus stood abruptly, knocking his chair back. "If you--"
Lucius again held up one pale hand - almost lazily. "Please, Severus," his face broke into a cruel grin, "did you really expect to keep her?" He scoffed. "I have covered for you this time. You have until Halloween. You will be necessary to the Dark Lord then and I will be unable to cover for you any longer."
Severus turned and walked quickly from the pub - his mind and pulse racing - Halloween was over two months away. He paused when he reached the apparition point.
He couldn't figure out what to do. His first instinct had been to grab Lucius by his expensive collar and spit in his smug face. He wasn't sure leaving without a word was the right thing to do either, but he'd been nearly overwhelmed by his anger.
He knew what he should do...but just the thought of never seeing Lily again made him feel slightly nauseous. He had lost Lily before and it had hurt. If he lost her this time...
He shook his head. He needed to see her.
Now.
---
Severus stood at the back door to the Evans' home - his hand paused on the doorknob.
His mind raced, but one thing seemed to be evident - he would put both their lives at risk by continuing the relationship. He knew he should turn around and go as far away as he could. She would be upset at being alone in her home for another two nights, but her emotional pain would be a necessary trade for her physical safety.
His brain knew the logical solution, but his heart refused to acknowledge it's validity. His chest was aching and his stomach felt queasy. Severus cursed himself and the softness of his heart. He wanted nothing more right then than to hold Lily tightly to him and feel her heart beating against his chest - steady, healthy and real.
He turned the knob to find Lily sitting at the kitchen table. She was in her pyjamas, her face wet with tears.
"Petunia left about twenty minutes after you did."
Severus scowled and silently cursed the selfish girl. How could she leave her sister in this state?
Lily got up from the chair and strode to stand before him. Her eyes, throat and nose hurt from crying and she imagined she looked a fright. It had not been an easy couple of hours. Once alone in the suddenly enormous house, she was unable to find a spot that didn't make her want to cry her eyes out.
She grabbed to him. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Sev."
He stroked her hair as he held her. "You're grieving. It is natural, Lily."
She looked up at him. "No, I can't escape the memories here and I can't..." The tears began to slide down her face again, but she was able to keep herself from sobbing aloud.
"Ssshh. It becomes easier with time." His voice was soft and low and comforting. She found her eyes closing as she laid her head against his chest. His heartbeat was surprisingly calming.
She didn't say anything. She knew he was right, but part of her felt...ashamed...horrible, really. Was she awful for wanting to feel better? As much as she loved her mother, she was never going to be able to get over her sudden death if she had to stay in her house.
"Sev," she whispered, "I can't stay here."
He gave her a questioning look. "What do you mean?"
"I tried, but it's too much." She looked away, her face reddening. "I want to be strong - I tried to be strong, but..." She felt tears sliding again.
"But...where will you go?" His expression was neutral.
"Well...I was sitting her thinking and..." she shrugged, "...I was thinking maybe I would travel."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "You are going to leave London during the war?"
She looked at the floor, unable to meet his eyes. She didn't know how to answer that. She should want to stay. She should want to fight. She knew she could help the Order - she was a talented witch in some areas and she was not a bad dueler either, but...
"I don't know." She just didn't know what to do. "I've never been in this situation before."
"What situation is that?"
She met his eyes. "I need to get away from my home, but I don't really have anywhere to go. My extended family are all muggles, I don't trust Mary or any of my girlfriends right now and Petunia, well...you know."
Severus wasn't sure exactly what she wanted from him. Was she looking for him to offer him her home? The idea made him feel both queasy and excited. He tried to think of other options, but he knew even fewer people than she did. "Well," he began slowly, "if you truly would like to travel, there are many places you could go. I have a little money saved I could give you."
"Would you...would you come with me?" She grasped both his hands and met his eyes. "Please?"
"What?!"
"Yes, it's perfect! We'll leave the country for a bit - not long - a vacation really and then we won't be bothered...by anyone."
His eyes darkened, if that was possible, and Lily felt a pang of fear. He squeezed her hands. "Lily, I can't."
She moved until she was pressed against him. "Come on, Sev. It'll be fun. I promise."
He sighed. His conversation with Lucius was still in the back of his head. He wanted to tell her, but...looking into her eyes, the large green orbs shining with something he had always wanted to see in her eyes. He could feel himself softening, but held to his anger with Lucius.
"I'll help you set it up, but I cannot come with you."
She bit her lip and her eyebrows came together. "No."
"Lily..." His tone was a warning.
"No, Severus, this is ridiculous. Must everything we do be for someone else? Can I not be selfish for once?"
Severus was surprised by her tone - it sounded almost like anger. He found himself without any words.
She touched his face. "You said you would do what it takes to keep me."
The silence between them was fraught with tension. She knew she shouldn't have said it, but she hadn't been able to help herself.
"Fine," he said quietly. There was a loud voice screaming in his head, but he ignored it. He hoped he might be able to change her mind before actually going through with it.
She smiled so widely he was momentarily dazzled and all thought left him. "Thank you."
He nodded slightly and bent to kiss her quickly. She slid her fingers into his hair and pulled him closer, her tongue sliding into his mouth as it had so many times in the last two weeks. It never failed to cause Severus' heart to leap into his throat. Her tongue slid over his, touching his lips, sliding against his teeth. He forced himself not to think as he grabbed her into his arms and headed for her room.
---
"You don't mind this do you?" she whispered into the silence. Lily nuzzled her face against Severus' neck, tasting the sweat there from their earlier vigorous activities.
"What?" he asked as his hands made graceful, lazy circles on her bare skin.
"Cuddling?" She met his eyes. "Not all guys do."
He frowned. "Please do not tell me how you know that."
She smiled and paled a bit. "Yeah, sorry. I forget some times. I'm just curious about things."
He forced a smile. "I suppose I could indulge your curiosity. I like cuddling with you."
The redhead smiled and admired her companion for a moment. He almost looked at ease. "We don't actually have to go anywhere, Sev."
"What?"
"I don't want to leave. I don't want to make you leave either."
He looked confused. "Are you sure? I mean, just an hour ago you were--"
"I know - I was upset." She met his eyes and slid her hands over his chest. "I do need to get away from my house for a while though."
He sighed heavily. "You could stay with me," he said slowly, "at my home."
Lily met his eyes. "What about your friends?" She expected him to look away, but instead, he held her gaze. She felt herself hoping...
"My meeting was in regards to that."
She shivered and he held her closer, but their eyes did not part. She settled against him again and waited for him to continue.
"My services won't be necessary until Halloween. They will leave me alone until then."
She sighed and lay her head against his chest. "I'll stay with you for a little while, then."
"Mmm," he said, closing his eyes. She stared at him for a moment longer - her mind racing. His services? What was he expected to do? Would he be safe? Would he be able to help the Order? What would she tell her father? What would it be like to stay at Spinner's End?
She eventually drifted off into a restless sleep.
---
Lily woke to the feeling of being watched. It was undeniable - and not unfamiliar. It seemed like each of the last few mornings, she had woken to his dark gaze upon her. It had surprised her the first morning, but she had hid it with a yawn and a stretch. Now, she welcomed it. She smiled wiithout opening her eyes and felt his hands slide over her stomach.
She felt his breath against her cheek, so she opened her eyes.
"Good morning," he said softly, eyes boring into hers.
"Good morning to you," she said, kissing him quickly before moving to sit up.
He spoke as she moved about getting dressed.
"What will you tell your father?"
She shrugged, continuing with her task.
"Maybe I should speak with him."
She glanced at him, but didn't stop dressing. She was trying to get ready quickly so she could pack and leave as soon as possible. She was planning to leave a note for her father (who would be sad, but understanding) and leave as soon as possible.
"It's only proper, Lily."
She finished tying her shoe and stood before him, hands on her hips. "Severus Snape, when did you become proper?"
In the second before he glanced up to meet her eyes, she saw something cross his face. He looked suddenly afraid. But her soft smile softened his reaction and he smiled up at her, his hands reaching for her waist.
"I was thinking I would leave a note and we would go now."
His eyes widened, but he nodded and released her.
Within fifteen minutes, she was downstairs, ready to leave. She found herself lingering at the back door.
Love you mum, she thought, closing her eyes for a moment, her hand clinging to Severus' cool palm. She let a few tears seep out, thinking of her last happy memory of her mother - cooking Christmas pudding the year before. After a few moments, she opened her watery eyes, grabbed the door handle and left her home.
---
As they neared the Snape home, Lily tried twice to take Severus' hand and he had let her hold it briefly before dropping it - as if he had not actually been holding it. It was maddening and she couldn't figure out why he was being such a git. She had refrained from saying anything because he had shushed her, but she knew as soon as she got to his home, she would be opening her mouth.
Just outside his gate, Severus stopped and said, "Stay here." He disappeared with a loud crack.
She waited almost five minutes before she saw him open the front door. He motioned her in quickly and she walked into his home.
He seemed quite pleased with himself. "I have just added you to the wards, Lily."
She turned to face him, hands on her hips. "What was that out there? Why couldn't I hold your hand?"
His face became pink. "It's simply safer if we aren't seen together in such a manner."
"When did we decide that?"
"We?" His eyes were boring into hers again.
"Are you embarrassed of me?" She knew she looked stubborn - her chin was quivering, though.
"Never." His answer was definite. "You have made me proud many times. I trust you."
She smiled, knowing what an honor that truly was. "Thank you. But I think people may already know about us."
He was pink again, but his eyes didn't leave hers. "I suppose they might. I am only thinking of your safety, Lily."
"I'm staying in your home, Severus." She lifted her eyebrows. "I think I'm sleeping in your bed, so, I mean...people will suspect."
His eyes became far away at the word bed and she smiled slightly. He was thinking of something. She reached out to touch his face and he seemed to snap out of it. "I've never had a girl in my room."
"Well, sure I was in there before Hogwart's a few times and then twice after school began."
"You know what I mean," he said with a smile. "I've never had a lady sleep over with me here before. I am sure the accommodations are inadequate, but---"
"Stop!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "I don't care - I'm not home and I'm with you."
He gave her a look she couldn't understand. She couldn't help but ask. "What?"
"I don't understand you. How can you be so easygoing about this?"
She smiled. "I know the value of friendship and love and how much I enjoy being with you when it's just me and you. Right now - I have nothing else to look forward to."
She thought he might cry. "Lily, please," he swallowed heavily, "please do not say that. Your mother died. You're mourning. You can't pin so much of your hope on me."
Lily felt light-headed suddenly, but didn't let go of the man in her arms. "What are you saying?"
He looked stricken. "We must be realistic."
She knew her face was contorting, but she couldn't seem to latch on to just one emotion...anger, fear, love, lust, frustration, confusion, sadness...each seemed to be vying for her attention. Finally, she just shut her eyes. "I don't think I understand."
"We will have to split by Halloween." His voice was soft and the sadness in his tone drew her eyes immediately. She saw his remorse - his stance, his expression - he was controlling himself, but just barely.
"Sev, I know you'll think me a fool, but can we try to make the most of this time and worry about Halloween in October?" Lily met his eyes, pleading silently.
He softened visibly under her scrutiny. "It is up to you, Lily." He took a deep breath. "I have very little to offer you."
She glanced around - the house was small, dark and dusty. The entire room seemed to be floor to ceiling books. "I'm not asking for anything except your company."
"Why? Why are you able to look past the things I have done now, Lily? What happened to your principles?" His eyes were wide, his hands dropped from her and from his expression, he expected her to explode.
She narrowed her eyes at the dark-haired wizard. "Severus, I have an idea of what you are referring to and I believe we agreed we were both forgiven." She laced her fingers together. "I was fifteen. It was four years ago, after all. I've matured since then."
"What if I haven't?"
She tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn't have it. She spoke slowly, softly. "Maybe you should explain."
He gestured toward the two chairs in front of the empty fireplace. She took one and he sat across from her. "Lily, I have done things I am ashamed of and any other sane wizard would be ashamed of. I don't deserve this understanding from you."
She leaned forward, meeting his eyes meaningfully. "I love you. I want to see what that means."
He closed his eyes. His voice was cool and even. "So you plan on staying in my home - in my bed - for two months." After she didn't object, he continued. "Then what?"
She stared at him, willing him to open his eyes. She couldn't figure out what he was trying to get at, but she could tell something was obviously bothering him. "I don't really know."
He nodded, but his eyes remained closed. "How can you do this?"
"What do you mean?"
"Spend more and more time together - get closer and closer - I just can't believe, I mean...how can you spend time with me and know it's temporary?"
His words chilled her. She hadn't really thought of it that way - was it truly temporary? Was she fooling herself like he was implying?
When she didn't respond, he opened his eyes. Dark shadows seemed to spread from his sunken eye sockets. Lily could not look away and somehow, gazing into his eyes, she found some semblance of courage.
"We are young, Severus. Yes, there is a war and there are bad things happening all around us, but I need to be around you right now." She felt better immediately. "I am following my heart."
His eyes shut again and Lily watched muscles twitch in his face. She wasn't sure what to do - he looked absolutely tortured.
Finally, his eyes opened and met hers. "A Gryffindor through and through."
She rolled her eyes and smiled at him, hoping the mood would lighten with his change of subject. "Yes, some things never change."
His smile seemed genuine as he stood and pulled her to her feet. His arms went around her and pulled her against him. "Lily..." She squeezed him. He squeezed her back and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."
She didn't move or say anything - she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do or say. "So are we...okay?"
He nodded against her and she released the breath she had been holding, her body relaxing in his arms. He held tighter and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I want to meet with Dumbledore."
"What?!" She pulled back, searching his face.
"I've been thinking about it. I have a proposition for him."
Lily eyed him, both happiness and fear bursting inside her. "I'll set it up." She waited until he nodded, then lifted her face, pushed up on the balls of her feet and kissed him. He held her tighter to him and returned the kiss with fervor.
After a bit of passionate snogging, Lily pulled back to meet his eyes. "It will be okay, Severus."
"How do you know?"
She smiled - hoping it was comforting, that was her aim - and said, softly, "I just do."
He did not look convinced, but he held her to him tightly - as if she might slip away if he didn't hold tight enough. She wondered if that was more so true for herself, but didn't have much time before his tongue was sliding between her lips, his hands moving to her waist and all logical thought left her mind.
She barely noticed when he opened a shelf to reveal a staircase. She was focused solely on the way his tongue was moving with her own, not the way he was lifting her into his arms or the way he moved up the stairs to his room without breaking the kiss.
A/N: So I think I've found a direction for this story---I wonder if it's obvious already? I would have updated sooner, but the husband has been sick at home for over a week & that makes time alone with the computer nearly impossible. Thank you for the reviews, for the faves and story alerts - I like this story, but it's not easy to write and I know it's far from perfect - in fact, I'm ashamed at it's lack of Britishisms, but I don't want to sacrifice story quality by forcing them in. Hope that doesn't pull anyone from the story - at this point, it is so far from what actually happened in the books, I hope it isn't a problem. Again, thanks and hope you enjoy.