Hahahaaa! This one was so fun to write!! And I finished it pretty fast, too. But I think rushed -.- Oh well! It was really fun! Hehe! Enjoy!

Fashion. It's a thing of beauty. It's something that requires you to go places—like the Forks Western Mall. Now I am a constant shopper—always on the go. So it's only natural that whenever I go to the mall that I always experience something different. I've had funny experiences, sad experiences, happy experiences and many other experiences that I'd liked to share with you. And this experience that you're about to read I just had to write down.

Chapter 2

I'm Not Gay

"Please, please, Esme!" I cried, holding onto my mother with a desperate, I-need-this-please grip.

Esme sighed and ran her fingers back through her beautiful, caramel hair, her eyes soft and decided as they closed. "I can't, Alice. I dedicated myself to a new job, and you'll have to take someone else."

I had asked Esme to come to the mall with me because everyone else was out for the day. Edward was spending the day with Bella, Emmett was out with Rosalie while trying to make her forget about the ordeal that had happened at the mall the other day (Gorilla, boob job, purses!), and Jasper was probably hiding, knowing that I was looking for someone to come with me to the mall. And now Esme had started a new job in decorating people's homes, so she couldn't come with me.

"But there's no one else I can take," I whined pitifully.

And that's when Carlisle came down the stairs, holding a clipboard and shuffling through some papers that were probably related to the hospital.

Esme nagged him a bit for doing work on his day off, but after she did, her eyes went big with realization. "Alice, you can take Carlisle to the mall with you!"

Carlisle looked up from his clipboard and did a small "huh" before my jaw dropped in disbelief.

"B-But, it's girl things—"

"Alice, he's like your father. And he's a doctor," Esme added, "so girl things shouldn't be a problem." Esme smiled brightly at Carlisle, who look dumbfounded at the whole situation. "Would you, honey?"

Carlisle peered back and forth between me and Esme. "What's going on?"

"Alice has no one to go to the mall with her, and I was wondering if you'd go with her," Esme explained.

Carlisle smiled. "Well, of course."

Just kill me now. Rip me apart and burn me.

I sighed. "Okay, well, I guess I'll go get my purse." I trotted up the stairs slowly, but when I reached my room, a thought struck me like lightning, and my lips formed into a high and mighty smile. I snatched my purse and filled it to the brim with pads and condoms I had found scattered all over the house. Then I zipped up my purse and slung it over my shoulder, hovering over the stairs in just a tiny flutter of my feet as I came quietly down them.

Oh, this one was going to be good.

"Ready to go, Carlisle?" I asked, suddenly overjoyed.

Esme stared at me suspiciously but said nothing else and gave each of us a hug before she left.

"Let's hurry, Carlisle. I'm pretty sure the mall closes early today," I said, dashing out of the house.

"Would you like me to drive?" Carlisle asked, but I was already in the driver's seat and starting the car.

Once Carlisle was in the passenger's seat, I thrust the car out of the view of the house and sped down the road like a maniac.

When we arrived at the Forks Western Mall, I parked the car and led Carlisle through one of the side entrances, browsing through some of the stores that were available. I spotted Starbucks ahead with a long line extending and taking up almost all the space along the pathway. Perfect.

"Hey, Carlisle, can you wait in line?" I asked, pointing to the Starbucks line that ended with a tall woman at the end.

Carlisle blinked. "Yes, but Starbucks is coffee—"

"And I've always wanted to try some!" I exclaimed cheerfully, and Carlisle said nothing more and went in line, finding it pointless to argue. "Sorry! I'll be right back. I'm going to look in that book store. There's this one book I've been looking for."

"What's it called?" Carlisle inquired before I could rush off.

"Oh, umm, Harry Potter," I replied, saying the first book that popped into my head.

Carlisle paused. "Oh yes I've heard about that series. But there's a new series out that I've heard has been a big boom in the nation—"

"That's cool! But I've got to go. I'll be right back. I'm sorry," I said, before scurrying off and turning the corner. I slumped against the wall and then unzipped my purse, removing some condoms and pads that were on the top and throwing them away so that it wouldn't overflow. Then I hurried back with the zipper on my purse wide open and handed it to Carlisle. "Hey, can you hold this for a second? It can be such a burden carrying it around." I smiled genuinely and Carlisle nodded.

Then I hurried off, trying to hide the mischievous grin that had slithered on my face.

As soon as I was around the corner, I pulled out my camera and began to film.

CARLISLE POV

I found it a bit odd that Alice kept running off, and, coffee? Sure, we could taste coffee, but if Alice were to have drunk it, she would probably have to throw it up later. But why would she want to taste coffee?

I shook my head and instead held onto Alice's purse, which, for some reason, kept frequently swinging from side to side. It finally stopped moving when I slid it over my shoulder, and even when it had stopped swinging, I was still bothered with it being there. Wouldn't people get the wrong impression if it was over my shoulder so femininely?

Suddenly, someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I whirled around to see a teenage boy, his face red and smile wide, as if he had just been laughing really hard.

I blinked. "Erm—can I help you?"

"Yeah, uh, dude…ma'am…you dropped this," the boy said, and in his hand was—what the heck—a condom.

"Excuse me?"

"It fell out," the boy explained. "It fell out of your purse."

"Oh, um, thank you." I took it from him and then added, "I'm not gay."

The boy smirked. "Yeah, I was going to ask you out, but I saw the ring on your finger." The boy winked and then turned, walking away at a rather fast pace.

ALICE POV

I was laughing too hard to really stop, and when the boy returned, he held out his hand with a big smirk on his face.

"That was good! Hey, thanks," I added, handing him twenty five dollars and letting out another laugh.

"Hey, no problem. By the way, this Friday night—"

"I have a boyfriend," I interrupted sharply, still laughing. I wasn't going to add that Jasper was my husband, for some people would consider it odd that I married at such a young age—but I'm not that young. "Sorry. And thanks again."

"You're welcome. See ya around I guess." The boy smiled and waved goodbye, turning and walking away at a more casual pace than when he had retreated from Carlisle.

Okay, part 2 to the plan.

I scurried back to Carlisle, who I noted was trying to keep a straight face, but really his left eye had a slight twitch to it. I bit my bottom lip and tried to suppress laughter, and then said, "Y'know, I guess I could try coffee later or something. I really need to shop for some bras."

"Okay, whatever you want," Carlisle said in a sigh.

As we walked to the bra shop toward the other side of the mall, Carlisle brought up, "Alice, why do you have condoms in your purse?"

I pretended to look embarrassed. "Oh, um, well, one of my friends asked me to bring her some."

"Which friend? You have human friends besides Bella?" Carlisle inquired, skipping to conclusions.

"No, it is Bella. And I guess I should've just called her my sister rather than a friend."

"Oh. I see." Carlisle fell silent until we arrived at the bra shop.

I instructed him to wait outside for a bit and then hurried inside to set up the camera in a hidden place. I hid it high up underneath some boxes that were stacked on top of shelves. At first glance, you couldn't see it, but if you looked hard enough, you could actually see the transparent lens.

After the finishing touches, I ran back out and led Carlisle inside.

"Okay, so I need help deciding which bra I'm going to get," I said, approaching some stacks of bras. "This one matches with the underwear…" I held up a polka dotted bra with a small pair of polka dotted underwear to go with it. "Or I could just get the usual one that doesn't match with anything else. Oh! And if I go to Victoria's Secret, I could get some with lace and ribbons. I bet Jasper would like that…"

"Ahem," Carlisle said, pretending to cough.

I giggled. "Oh, sorry. Here, can you hold these for a second?" I handed the bras to Carlisle, and he held them firmly in his hand, though he looked rather embarrassed. "Oh no! Don't hold them like that! Here." I adjusted his hands to where he was holding the bra right in front of his chest, making him look like he was wearing it. "The bras get wrinkled and messed up if you hold them like you were earlier. Just hold them like that, and they should be perfect!" I smiled encouragingly and then paused. "Oh crap. I forgot something in the book store. I'll be right back, Carlisle. Just keep holding the bras like that, and please don't move. Oh, and hold my purse also," I added, linking the purse on Carlisle's shoulder.

Carlisle sighed and nodded, looking completely embarrassed.

I did a small titter and in a jolly, ballet sort of way, I danced out of the shop and loped to the middle space, where a few people were sitting on benches. Now, all I had to do was look for the right person, and…

"Like omg! That outfit is adorable!"

I whirled around to the owner of the voice and saw a boy standing in front of a clothing store, fawning over the outfit with "ooh's" and "ahh's". I felt a smile light my face. This was going perfectly.

I approached the boy warily and tapped him on the shoulder to fully grab his attention. When his eyes caught sight of me, he smiled a bit and generated a small hello, of which I greeted him back in return and began the bribe.

"Hello! Um, can you do me a quick favor?"

"Depends. What do you want?" the boy's eyes flickered back to the outfit displayed in the window, and I could tell that he was drawn toward it.

"Well, I want you to go put some moves on this guy. And if you do that, then I'll buy you that outfit," I explained.

The boy's jaw dropped. "Like, no way! That outfit is, like, two hundred freaking dollars!"

I grinned. "Don't worry I have cash."

The boy swung his hip to the side and sassily rolled his eyes. "Oh come on. Yeah right."

"I'll buy it right now," I declared, and strode into the store, asking for the outfit in the window and then buying it with the credit card I had brought along just in case. Then I walked back out and handed the outfit to the astonished boy. "There. Now you have to do your end of the deal."

"O-Okay," the boy replied unsteadily, in awe of the outfit.

Then I began to tell him everything he needed to do, creeping to the window and getting ready to watch the show. Heehee!

CARLISLE POV

Alice disappeared again, claiming that she had to go get something from the book store, but it seems like she went for another reason. Now I'm standing in a bra shop, holding up a bra to no one in particular and feeling rather uncomfortable to be getting funny and strange looks from women.

All of a sudden, someone tapped me on the shoulder just like earlier today, and it turns out to be a boy, smiling at me and holding a little white piece of paper in his hand.

He winked and handed it to me. "You're pretty cute. Here's my number. I bet that bra will look good on you. Do you want my address? We can get together tonight. Me. You. My room." He waggled his eyebrows and then drew me into a hug. When he pulled away, he slapped my butt and winked again. "See ya, Carlisle, honey." Then he walked away, leaving me with my jaw wide open and my left eye unable to contain a twitch.

Then I dropped the bra and just about lost it when I screamed, "I'M NOT GAY! I'M NOT GAY!"

ALICE POV

This was priceless. After Carlisle started screaming about how he wasn't gay, I exploded in laughter and caught sight of the look on his face, the laughs draining my body of oxygen (Then again, vampires don't really have to breathe.). When the boy came back to me, I thanked him continuously between laughs, and the boy just laughed with me.

"No problem, hun. That man was ca-ute. Thanks for the outfit." The boy smiled, and with the outfit in a bag, walked away.

When I got back with Carlisle, he declared that he wanted to leave, of which I saw that the twitch in his eye hadn't gone away. We drove home silently, and I didn't get enough nerve to actually ask him what was wrong—although I already knew what had happened, and it was pretty hard containing the laughter.

We strode into the house to find a cheerful Esme greeting us happily.

"So how did it go?" Esme asked, smiling.

Before I could say anything, Carlisle asked, "Honey, if you weren't married to me, would you ever consider me to be gay?"

Esme blinked, startled. "Why, of course not, dear."

Carlisle, unconvinced, ran up to his room and came back down wearing only a tank top and gym shorts.

"Where are you going, Carlisle?" Esme asked worriedly.

"To the gym. I'm going to regain my manliness and dignity," Carlisle said, disappearing through the door with his left eye still twitching.

Before Esme could ask what happened, I ran up the stairs and went to my room, whistling to myself as I logged into youtube yet again. Well, time to upload another million hitter.

Haha! Okay, yeah, I'm really enjoying writing this. If anyone has any ideas to any pranks on Edward or Emmett, just let me know. Oh, and maybe also Jasper. Oh, and do you think I should prank the Volturi? That'd be random...Anyway, I'll take any ideas or suggestions! If you can, please submit a review! And I'm sorry if I offended anyone in writing this. I didn't mean to cause offense, and I'm just joking around. No offense intended! This was just for fun! Okay, Disclaimer/Claimer time!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything affiliated with Twilight. Everything concerning Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.