Hem Hem! Hello... I've walked this place before! Soo, After about… let's see… One two three… what come after three? Well A Gazillion llilion thousand and one trillion months without writing, I've finally gotten over my fear of typing! Yay for me.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any Underworld characters, I, however am the not-so-proud owner of TWO alter egos and about a gazillion other personalities! So, call 555-555-5…what was the las number? Oh yeah, 55. OR 1800-I-WANT-AN-ALTEREGO!

(There is also the opportunity to buy your own clan! Complete with TWO brothers and a blood oath ceremony! This IS a one time offer… available for unlimited time, or until supplies last…) Oh, and I DO NOT own any of Mel Brook's stuff either.

On with the story then pygmy! (The Pygmy king walks out of his trailer taking out the curlers from his head)

Pygmy king: Is my hair all right?

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HISTORY OF THE WORLD part II!! Like Mel Brooks never dreamt it could be!

SEE Hitler on Ice! SEE a Viking Funeral! SEE Jews in spaaaceeee! SEE the vampires visiting Pygmey island!

Yes, Ladies and Gents, Sonja, Lucian, Selene, Kraven, Michael, Marcus, and Erika are now in Pygmy island, land of a thousand wonders… and even more volcanoes to throw Kraven in!

But this looks like an unlikely possibility because the pygmies are carrying Kraven in a red velvet chair and feeding him mangos with a stick, while Sonja, Selene, and Erika are carried around in a cage and Lucian and Michael are tied to bamboo sticks each hanging upside down. And where is Marcus? Walking free right besides the pygmy king because he managed to convince the pygmies that if they let him go in the nearest gas station he would give them a seat in the British council… And bribed the Pygmy king with hair curlers and chocolate covered marshmallows, and, lets face it, who can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows, right?

Selene: Me.

Michael: What?

Selene: I can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows…

Sonja: Your kidding?!

Selene: No, really! I don't even like marshmallows.
Lucian: No! It can't be! That's blasphemy Selene! Not even I can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows!

Erika: Yeah Selene, It's like a genetic abnormality or, or a collapse in the tissue of the known universe!

Michael: …Yeah! What she said!

Pygmy king: Halt pygmies! What is that I hear? The one in the incredibly tight suit can say no to chocolate covered MARSHMALLOWS?!

Selene: Um.. Yes, and the suit isn't so tight!… is it?

Everybody: well…

Michael: I'm sorry, we all thought so, we just… well…

Sonja: We never found the words to tell you is all…

Selene: Oh, it's Ok.. or it will be… in time.

Lucian: Really Selene? I'm so glad your not mad!

Selene: I'm not finished.

Lucian: Oh! I am sorry, do carry on.

Selene: In the time when I KILL ALL OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!…And GUNS!

Erika: See! I told you she would do this when she found out! But nooo nobody listens to poor old Erika! Why should they!

Pygmy king: SILENCE! Sheesh, how can anybody take all that yammering and shouting!

Marcus: See! Look at what I have to endure day after day after day, its nerve wreking! I just-

Markus' voice started breaking as he fell on his butt sobbing.

Erika: There, there ickle wickle Mawkus! Everything is going to be all right. Now, what's our mantra to chant in moments like this?

Markus: Du-du-du-duckfra (sniff) Duckfraba…

Erika: That's right, let's say it together now. Duuuuckfraabaaaaa, come on ickle Mawkus!

Markus: Duuuuckfraabaaaaa…

Erika: Feeling better now, are we?

Markus: Yes.. thank you…

Markus now got back on his feet and the company reassumed its wanderings through the dense forests of pygmy island.

Markus: Yo, pygmy king! Where's the next gas station at?

Pygmy king: Not for another… Ten trillion miles.

Markus: Jolly goo – WHAT?!

Erika: Now, now! Temper, temper!

Markus: Duuuuckfraabaaaaa…

Erika: Yes… Duuuuckfraabaaaaa

Markus: Duuuuckfra-

Pygmy king: ENOUGH WITH THE DUCKALICIUOS OR WHATEVER!

Erika: Its Duckfraba!

Pygmy: I said ENOUGH! Now who is the one that can say no to chocolate covered marshmelloooooowsss?!

Selene shyly raised her hand and the pygmies let her cage down and kneeled before Selene.

Pygmies: All hail Lady-that-can-say-no-to-chocolate-covered-marshmelloooooowsss!

Pygmy guard: What shall we do to Mountain king?

Pygmy king: Um… Mountain king!

Kraven: Yes loyal subject?

Pygmy king: Do you wish to, during the rest of your mortal life… Carry out marital intercourse with the all powerful Lady-that-can-say-no-to-chocolate-covered-marshmelloooooowsss?

Kraven: YES! Oh lord YES!!

Pygmy king: Very well, you may start right now!

Selene: Oh bother…

Pygmy king: I have not finished.

Selene: Oh! I am sorry! Do continue.

Pygmy king: Thank you. IF you can refuse one chocolate covered marshmallow!

Pygmy sound effects crew: Dum dum duuuuuuum!

Will Kraven be able to refuse the chocolate covered marshmallow? Will Selene have to carry out marital intercourse with Kraven? Will Michael permit this? Will Markus find a gas station? Will Kraven be unceremoniously chucked into a volcano? Will Lucian Erika and Sonja get manicures at the mall? WILL PENGUINS DEVELOP A HIGH INTELIGENCE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD? And, most importantly, does Marcus feel pretty? God, so many questions! Fin out the answeres in our next chapter!

R&R

[Sorry for the impromptu finish, but I´ve got to go and take a long bubble bath in the tub!

Kraven: Can I come?

Let me think about it… NO!