I woke up the next morning to the sun streaming through the windows of my hotel room. I got up to look out the window.

Los Angeles. I had always wanted to come here. I wanted to see Hollywood. I wanted to lay on the beach in Malibu. I wanted to window shop on Rodeo Drive. I wanted to step into the footprints of the famous at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

I took a quick shower, dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and headed down to the lobby where I grabbed a couple of maps. I was staying at a Motel 6 in the heart of Hollywood. When the cab driver asked me where I wanted to go, I realized I had no clue. My only thought had been to get away. It was decent enough and, at $65 per night, I couldn't really complain. I knew that Eric, even Bill for that matter, would cringe at the thought of staying in a place like this, but I just couldn't bring myself to spend the sort of money they would on a fancy hotel.

I spent the next two days seeing the sights, and the nights in my room just enjoying the solitude. With no one in direct proximity, I could lower my shields almost all the way. I didn't have to work so hard and, frankly, it was relaxing. The room had cable, and I decided to just snuggle up on the bed and watch movies, until jet lag and days of sight seeing took me to sleep. After that, L.A. got hit with a heat wave and I got to spend three glorious days soaking up the sun on the beach!

However, I was starting to get a bit antsy and, I was no closer to making a decision as to which of my two vampires I was going to have to give up. Even the thought of having to "give one up" made my stomach clench and made my skin go clammy.

When I was in the lobby, I found a discarded copy of Cosmo. As I was flipping through it I came across an advice column. I couldn't believe it when I saw one of the questions: "how do I choose between two guys?" Was this fate? Coincidence? Divine irony?

Bill once said that Eric and I shared a zest for life and, we were alike in many ways. Yet Eric was a pragmatist and a survivor. He was tough, and I was pretty sure he would get over it if I did not choose him. Then I would think about how much fun we had together and, how amazing the sex is, and I would convince myself that I could not possibly live without Eric.

Which would get me started thinking about Bill. I was afraid he would do something rash if I sent him away. Then I would start thinking of all the check marks in his "plus" column. He always made me feel calm, an oasis of quiet when all the voices in my head got too noisy. I knew exactly how much he loved me and, he was no slouch in bed either.

Of course, all of this also set me off on a panic attack. Eric was sheriff and tied to his area. He couldn't (and, because of his pride, wouldn't) move away from Shreveport. Which meant if I chose Bill, I'd have to leave Bon Temps, probably Louisiana altogether. I could not imagine living anywhere else. What little family I had, Jason, was still in Bon Temps. Even if I wasn't currently on speaking terms with him, and even though I told him I never wanted to see him again, I knew that I needed to have him around. It made no sense, but he was family. Bill, on the other hand, could leave. He was not tied to the area so desperately. If he was leaving with me, taking me away from Eric, he would move to Timbuktu.

The Cosmo advice column suggested making a list of the twenty things I want in a guy and then matching the candidates up and seeing who measures up. So, I spent my time balancing the pros and cons of Bill and Eric on a scale in my mind, until my head throbbed and my stomach churned. And I got absolutely nowhere.

I started with "puts me first." Well, they both did. Bill said he would lay his life down for mine. Eric, has taken bullets for me. Plus, before he would even listen to Victor Madden the night of the takeover, one of his considerations was me. "He'll spare you," he'd said. And he hadn't said it for my benefit. He said it for himself. To reassure himself that I would be safe.

Next was "loves me." Well hell, tie there too. That was one column where there were no doubts anymore.

...

[EDITED]

SEE NOTE IN CHAPTER 2