Chapter 7: I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) by John Mayer
A/N: This is an Ashley only chapter, and its revolves around her and her family although Craig and various other characters will be mentioned. As I wrote the last couple chapters I felt that I kinda left her behind in order to do all the flashback stuff that ended up taking more time than I originally planned. I felt that im not giving her the just do that she deserves, I mean she is definitely the female lead in this story and she has only been the focus of just one chapter. I hope you guys have liked the story so far, if anyone has issues with the story let me know, huh? This chapter takes place a day before the concert, like the last chapter it has a lighter tone to it but also some serious vibes are going on.
Ashley finished up for the day at the courthouse. She walks outside and after and she talks a bit with her clients she walks to her car. Once she gets inside the car she starts to think about the case and she feels really good about the trail, she knows that no case is ever really a slam-dunk case but it looks like the case is going her way, all of her pre-trail motions have gone her way. She takes real pride in the work that she is doing. It's obliviously not about the money, to her she wants to look back on her life and know that she has done some real positive work in the community. She lets herself get lost in her cases, which has taken away from other events in her life like getting married and starting a family. She knows that events like that were never really for ever but if she ever had the opportunity that there only one man's children that she would want to have. She Starts the car and drives over to her mother's house, she tries to have dinner with them a couple nights a week, and this is a special one because this her birthday dinner, she couldn't have it the next day cause liberty said that she had something plan for the next day.
She pull up to Kate and Jeff's house and thinks to herself "I can't believe they want to celebrate that a year closer to death, that's pretty messed up, whatever lets just through this"
She goes up those familiar steps and enter the house and says "Hey mom, im here" as she close the door behind her and locks the door.
"Hi honey, just let settle, dinner will be ready in 10 minutes, why don't you just turn on the radio till then" says her mother as she prepares dinner in the kitchen.
"Okay, mom" says Ashley as she begins to turn on the radio and starts to turn the dial. At first she hear some really bad rap that only Toby would like, then some Motown, which her mother loves, then she stops when she hears a catchy song that she has never heard before but something about it bring a smile to her face.
No I'm not the man I used to be lately,
See you met me at an interesting time.
And If my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before i let you inside.
Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I will beg my way into your garden,
Then I'll break my way out when it rains,
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)
Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love.
Who do you love?
Me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?
Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
It's as if someone is brushing their hands against her cheek and bringing a warmness that she has been longing for. She comes back to reality when the D.J begins to talk.
"Well that of course was the title track off of Craig Manning's new album "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)", remember guys his new album comes out next, make sure you guys go to you local record store to pick it. It looks like we have a caller, Isabella from right here in Toronto what can I do for you tonight"
A girl probably in teens comes on the air and starts to speak, "I just wanted to say that I love Craig Manning, his music speaks to me and although this song is a departure from him early work, you could that he has more of a grown up style, and I can't wait to hear his new album. Im sure its going to be great, okay bye" says the called as she hangs up the phone.
"Well thanks Isabella, im sure Mr. Manning appreciates the support. Remember tomorrow Craig will be joining Danny & Darcy in the morning to do one their famous "Breakfast With". Alright well we'll be right back on WTOR radio, Toronto only premier Rock & Alternative station" says the D.J as Ashley turns off the radio.
Ashley rests against the couch and tries to gain her composure, "Wow" she thought to herself "Craig's voice is better than ever, and those lyrics were amazing" and then she started to think about those lyrics and she asked herself "Were those lyrics about me, or were they about someone else. Is there someone else in his life?" then she stops herself. "I can't think that im sure he has moved on, and found someone better" she says to herself.
"Honey dinner is ready, let's eats" says her Mother as she peaks her head into the kitchen
Ashley gets up and says, "Okay mom, I'll be there in a second" as she walks into the kitchen. She then starts to smile.
Kate had baked her a small cake, it was a chocolate covered cake with strawberries and a couple of candles on top, Ashley's favorite
"Mom, you shouldn't have. I mean I love the cake, thanks" Ashley says this as she kisses her mom on the cheek.
"Your welcome, I honestly thought you would have hated it cause you're not a kid anymore. See Jeff shows what you know" says Kate as she looks over to Jeff who is reading the newspaper.
"No mom of course I love it, it was really sweet of it. Can we now sit down to eat, im starving" says Ashley she motions for her mother to sit down.
Ashley sits down wonders where a certain short little person that has always annoyed her was, "Hey mom where's Toby"
"Oh, he's still in San Francisco on business. Who knew he would rise up the corporate ladder so fast, i mean he started out as graphic designer. He said he was sorry and said he would try to call you" says Kate as she places all the food on the table.
"See Kate I told you all that computer stuff would eventually turn out all right," says Jeff as he reads a magazine with Craig on the cover which Ashley couldn't help but look at.
They start to eat. Everyone is enjoying his or her meal. Kate & Jeff can notice a tiny bit of sadness in their daughter' eyes.
"What's wrong honey," says Jeff as he motion for Kate to pass him the Mash Potatoes
"Nothing Jeff, im fine just a bit tired. Cases wear me out sometimes especially ones that are high on emotion. I mean the trail hasnt even started but i wanted this to go great not for myself but for my clients, they are hard working individuals who have been screwed over by their employers" says Ashley as she picks her food.
"You know I can tell when you're lying to me, right? It is a gift that we mothers all share" says Kate as she lifts her daughter chin up.
Ashley looks straight into her mother's eyes and says, "Alright, I heard Craig's new song, and the lyrics made me think of everything that had happened between us. I mean those lyrics were they about me, or were they about some girl that he was seeing. Mom I still love him to so much. I can't believe that I let him go, we would be married and we would have a family of our own". She starts to cry.
Kate gets up and puts her arms around her daughter trying to comfort her. "Look Ashley let me tell you something. I'm going to be honest with you at first I didn't like that boy at all, he was the first boy that broke your heart and made you cry, he was also the one who almost ruined your father's wedding, even though it really wasn't his fault, and yet after all that you still took him back. But I must say after a while that boy grew on me, he was respectful and courteous. He earn all are respects back. We all know that he is going to be the only person you would ever love and the same goes for him. And I remember when the two of you broke up, that entire summer all you did was cry and cry, you could've filled up an ocean with all your tears, but I'm sure he was going through the same thing. Now while it's been a long time since you guys have spoken, those feelings inside of you have never left. So while you doubt if he still feels the same way about you, you have to ask yourself, is there any other girl in this world how would make Craig feel the way you did? And make him write those lyrics"
"No, mom I guess there isn't. Thank you" says Ashley with a hopeful smile
"Well then you have your answer" Kate says as she grabs the plates off of the table.
"So what are your plans for tomorrow, little lady" says Jeff trying to lighten the mood somewhat
"Oh liberty said something about going to breakfast and listening to some music. It's not much but its the way I like, nice and low key" says Ashley who finishes helping her mother do the dishes.
Ashley wipes her hand and looks at Kate and says "Mom, do you mind if I stay her tonight. So this way Liberty can we pick me up tomorrow"
"Sure honey, just makes sure that you call Liberty and let her know," says Kate who looks over at Jeff
Ashley walks into the other room and begins to dial. "Hey Lib, it's me Ash…" who could no longer be heard.
"Kate, does Ashley have any idea what Liberty has up her sleeves. I mean how do you think she going react to seeing Craig tomorrow" asks Jeff as he gets up
"I guess were about to find out, I hope he will want to see her. All I know is that tomorrow is going to be interesting. Lets just go to sleep, alright? Ashley honey, were going to sleep".
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Love you" she says, then continues her conversation with Liberty "look whatever you have planned just pick me up at my mother's house, alright I'll talk to you later" Ashley says this as she starts to head upstairs to sleep.
Ashley sits in the bed that holds so many memories, she thinks about the past at first a sense of gloom thinking about all the mistakes that she has made but something strange happened she started to smile she thought about what her mother said to her "is there any other girl in this world how would make Craig feel the way you did? And make him write those lyrics". She started to think about "there is isn't girl who could ever put those feelings into his heart. Regardless of how many girls he had been whether it be Manny, or Ellie, or any other girls. There is no one in this world he could ever love more than me. Too bad I can never tell him that I know that, how did everything go so wrong so fast. What am I going to do, well I try to have fun tomorrow". Ashley lies back in bed and closes her eyes.
It's Three o'clock in the morning and she gets startled, she is completely out of it. She looks down and see that her cell phone is going off, she picks up the phone and says 'hellooooo"
"Oh, crap I didn't wake you up did I? Says the person on the other line
"Who is this, its 3 in the morning and its my birthday" says Ashley in a disheveled tone
"It's me Toby, I just wanted to say happy birthday" in the softest tone he could.
"Thank you Toby, but can I go back to sleep, I have to get up early. I'll talk you later, ok?" says Ashley as is about to hang up.
"Alright, have a good birthday, Ok?" says Toby
She hangs up the phones and goes back to sleep.