Disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter 9
Miserable At Best
I was stuck in the all too familiar darkness that has come to greet me after every unfortunate episode I have been in for the past few months. I was starting to think that there really wasn't a purpose for my life, that it was just some miserable excuse for something to take up space on this planet. Of course I wasn't plunged into my thoughts for long for there were voices swirling around me. I could hear them with perfect clarity of course, but I didn't want to hear them, at this moment, this point in time, I really didn't care anymore. With Edward being dead I felt as if I had nothing to live for anymore. Just repeating the unfortunate happening to Edward cut me deeper than anything else I have ever experienced in my entire life, it was way worse than the pain from my transformation. It may have been less painful physically….but emotionally, I felt as if I would breakdown into a deep depression any minute now.
The voices around me were getting louder as I started focusing in on them more. "Bella! Please Bella wake up honey." Said the frantic voice of Jasper, it didn't sound the same to me anymore not that it wasn't as beautiful as it was before, in fact it probably sounded much more better since I was a vampire now. It really was still the most beautiful thing to me with my enhanced hearing. But that wasn't the point; it was that since Edward…passed on. The thought cut me but I kept on, since that I felt as though I was missing a whole part of me, nothing could make it better, or patch the gaping emotional hole inside of me. Not even Jasper. Sure he could make it more bearable but the thought, the whisper of pain that is with me now, will be with me for the rest of my existence.
The next voice was Carlisle's. "I don't think you should worry about Bella Jasper. She should be perfectly fine, though I'm not one hundred percent sure, I have never seen this happen before" then like one of the other times I fainted while human Alice said how much time was left before I would wake up in a daze. Though this time her voice didn't hold that playful spark that was present, she sounded so broken….so empty. "She will wake up in 27 seconds" and then I heard light dancer's footsteps, and I assumed she left the room.
A few moments after that my eyes opened and I sat straight up at a speed that surely would have made me dizzy had I been human. Jasper and Carlisle were the only ones in the room, but like before when I first woke up from the change Carlisle left the room and it was just me and Jasper. Jasper came over and took my hands in his he looked straight into my eyes, and I his. His eyes were filled with remorse, for Edward….Anger, those who were responsible for Edward….and lastly there was hope, hope for me to come back to 'life' before he crumpled too. He needed me and I needed him, we needed each other to get through this long bumpy road. Jasper didn't need to say it but I knew what was going through his mind right now, 'when will I have my Bella back?' We were still staring into each others eyes. I saw the horrible blood red irises of my own in his deep gold ones, so I looked away. I wouldn't be able to stand the look of my eyes, for it reminded me of Edwards's killers. Yet in some sick way, knowing that his killers had the same red eyes as I had, I felt connected to Edward, knowing that the last thing to see him had red eyes like mine.
Jasper spoke up after an immeasurable moment of him staring at me, me staring out the window. He was calculating what to do next, me trying to just keep composed. He was thinking of what to say and how to approach me, I wasn't even thinking at all. Finally Jasper decided what his approach would be and he spoke very softly, but unlike my times being human I didn't have to strain to hear what he said, I could hear him loud and clear. "Bella…" he spoke softly. Before I could even register what was happening, I was out of the room and running so fast I felt as if I was literally flying. Somehow Jasper knew not to follow me this time. He didn't know if I would come back, but he would definitely hope.
I gave my entire being into running, just concentrating on the silent, smooth sound of my feet just barely touching the ground. I focused on the sound of my hair lithely blowing from the speed of my running. I also noted the feeling of just running, it was so freeing, so relaxing, and it gave me just the least bit of relief that I yearned for. If the situation wasn't so dire then I'm sure this would have made me happy. I think I was running for at least a good hour or so, running this long would have made any human tired and gasping for breath, but I felt perfectly at ease, well not perfectly at ease concerning the situation. I decided to stop running and with my luck, there was a small cottage of some sort. I listened in and heard no heartbeat or any sign of breathing so I assumed that it was deserted and I made my way gracefully inside it.
The small house was fully stocked. It had a nice kitchen, not that I would have any intent of using it, a full sized living room that was a comforting beige color, like Esme's and Carlisle's room. It was only a one floor house and there was one bedroom down the hall with a queen sized bed and then there was a bathroom across the hall from that. I waltzed into the kitchen and sat at one of the chairs that were near the counter. I then noticed that there was a crumpled piece of paper on the counter. My curiosity was perked when I saw that so I reached over and grabbed the little piece of paper and looked at it, the crumpled little note smelled of Edwards scent. I gasped and closed my eyes, this was starting to be too much, my hear felt as if the gaping hole in my chest was tearing and getting deeper and filling me with sadness. I opened my eyes and I knew how I must have looked, I looked like someone just stabbed me over and over again, I was broken, shattered completely like some worthless piece of glass and there was nothing that would put me back together again at this rate. I looked down again at the little paper that was folded in my hands, took a deep unneeded breath of air and opened it, with a note in Edwards perfectly near calligraphy hand writing that made my heart shatter.
Bella,
While you are reading this as you know I am already dead. I am deeply and truly sorry for all the pain that this is causing you. I wish I could just take it away by sweeping you up in my arms. I know this is hard for you Bella believe me. But I had to do what I needed to do. If I didn't get a hold of James and put him in the fire then he would have go after you Bella. And I could not let that happen, no matter the consequences, I needed to keep you safe. Bella you are by far the most important thing to me, you're so precious and your soul is so pure. I am so happy that I got to experience your love, even if it was for the briefest of time. Just know Bella that I am always watching over you, when you smile I am smiling with you, when you are having pain I am right there experiencing you pain with you trying to find away to make you smile with you. When you are feeling lonely, I am there wrapping my arms around you. Bella I will be there with you always, I never believed in angels but that was before I met you. Just remember that I will always love you. Remember Jasper will always protect you no matter what, and tell him that I always thought he was the perfect one for you he is the only one that loves you like I do, take care of him, as he will for you.
Forever and always,
Edward
I shattered, completely and totally. The little note that was the last piece I had left of Edward, I held to my chest and I dropped to the floor. I didn't cry, no. What I did was just sit there, for I don't know how long but I just stared ahead at the rest of the little cottage. Then after another immeasurable moment a lone tear finally made its way down my porcelain face and dropped onto the floor which made an audible sound in which were followed by dozens of unstoppable little drips and drops of my tears hitting the hardwood floors. My tears were coming freely and were unstoppable, I felt as if nothing mattered anymore. I wanted to wish for death and end all this misery and join Edward where ever he is. Then I found two flaws in what I wanted. The first one was that if I killed myself or even thought of doing so then Jasper would be crushed and even more devastated than I was right now, Jasper's pain cut me deeper than my own. Like a thousand knives just coming straight at me, so that definitely was not an option for me.
The second flaw would be that Edward would be very disappointed if I gave my life away just for him; I knew he wouldn't want that.
Instead of wishing for death to take me I wished for something else entirely. I wish I had time, just a little more time with him, just to hear him say he loved me one more time, just to have him wrap his cool muscular arms around me one more time. I grabbed the crumple piece of paper and held it to my heart, Alice told him what would happen to him and told him to write the note and put it here. I will forever be grateful to Alice for that. It may have not exactly given me the closure I needed because the hole will never be healed but, I understand that and will live with it. I must have become a masochist when I turned into a vampire since I didn't want closure, and I wanted to deal with the pain of Edward not being by my side, I just wanted a reminder of Edward. The pain would be my reminder, he had suffered more pain than I have and I wanted to make sure I would tuff it out and face my own pain. Then the emotional knife that I was balancing on just slid deeper and deeper into my heart. Alice knew. That vision she had when I was in the room with Edward and Jasper that was the sadness that flashed across her face. She told Edward what would happen when I was transforming. When I figured out what Alice did I was suddenly furious with her.
The tears that I once had a few minutes ago were completely dried up, and forgotten; now I was turning my pain, sadness and remorse into anger, and it was directed at Alice. I knew that it wasn't fair to take this out on Alice, it wasn't fair at all, but I needed some way to vent my anger of the vampires that took away Edward from me and all the pain that it had caused me. With that thought I tucked the note safely into my pocket and got up off of the floor. I turned and quite literally flew out of the house and made my way back to the Cullen's mansion. This time running back gave me a sense of adrenaline, I was starting to accept what happened. It may have only been the very first stage of acceptance, but it was definitely progress. I don't think I will ever be able to get over Edward; we may have not had much time together but the whole time I knew that we connected in a special way, it was like Jasper yet so different.
With Edward it was like he really saw into my mind, and knew what to do and what to say, he was overprotective but that just showed how much he cared about me. Then Jasper, we had more time together and he knows exactly what to do to make sure I am happy and always smiling, but when I would be sad he would always have the shoulder that I could cry on. I smiled a little bit while I was running. I didn't even concentrate on where I was going, it was almost as if I was drawn to them and could pin point them anywhere, or maybe it was just Jasper that I could do that with, but whoever it was it helped me fine their house from how ever miles away, I wasn't exactly sure how far I had gone. It took me 10 minutes flat from where I started to get to the Cullen's house. I was going to take my anger out on Alice. She saw the vision; she could have done something to help, and something that would avoid the situation ending up in Edward's…death.
When I got to the front porch, it was strange how my personal high just evaporated into thin air and the unnecessary anger for Alice came back to me at full force. "Alice" I whispered, I knew she would hear me the same if I yelled it, but I didn't want her to think anything was wrong, but she probably saw what I would do anyway, so my efforts were most likely pointless in the end. My assumptions appeared to be correct and she came down with a calm expression plastered on her face. She obviously saw what I was going to say, I was about to speak up but she simply put her hand up signaling me to be quiet.
"Bella, don't. Just don't. I know you may think that I must have wanted him dead, but that's not true. I loved Edward more than you ever could. We have been together for 80 years and I have loved him relentlessly even though I knew that would change when we met you. I didn't tell anyone about the vision I had because everyone would be worrying about Edward and more of my family would have died. I told Edward about this and he told me it was okay and that he had to do what he had to do. I told Edward to leave a note in that cottage because I saw you going there in one of my visions. I only wish he could have felt the same way about me as I did him, but besides that I have no regrets. Please don't give me your pity Bella, I really don't need it. When I leave tonight don't follow me, I will be back but I need time."
With that being said she gracefully disappeared from my view, without a sound.
I stared after her before I went into the house. I ran straight to Emmett's room and knocked on his door I needed a big brother right now, and I knew that he would be the one to help me. He opened the door and let me in. I sat on his burgundy couch and put my head in my hands I turned to him. "Emmett do you think you could just stay with me for awhile? I really need a big brother right now." I said quietly, I didn't know what he would say, if he would turn me away or comfort me so I put my head back in my hands and waited. He came over to me and wrapped his big arms around me, I turned and buried my head into his chest and just cried. I cried for what I had lost, I cried for what I wished, and I cried for what should have happened. The whole while, when I was ruining his shirt he just rocked us back and forth and rubbed soothing circles on my back. I cried for hours but Emmett still stayed and he comforted me. I really was grateful for Emmett he was the best brother anyone could have and I was even luckier that he was the one here with me. My sobs finally started to quiet down and I sniffled a little before I pulled away and gave him a small half smile. "Thanks Emmett for being here with me, I'm sorry that I ruined your shirt." I don't know if he actually caught the double meaning of my words, because while I was saying that I was thinking 'I'm sorry for ruining your family'. I really was sorry it seemed as if I was some kind of natural disaster, unavoidable and makes destruction wherever its path leads.
"Bella you have nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing wrong, I never want you or anyone in our family to feel the way you do Bella, besides you're my little sister and I'm your big brother, we need to help each other out." Then he gave me a smile and I smiled back. At least if I'm going to be miserable Emmett will help me out. "Emmett I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you really are a big teddy bear in the inside." He smiled, triumphant that he could make me laugh. "No! I'm definitely not a teddy bear," he broke off his sentence then whispered in my ear "well don't tell anyone, besides has anyone told you that you're a real squirt?" he asked in a teasing tone. It made me laugh and I playfully hit his chest then got up and was at the doorway when I turned around and said, "Thanks Emmett, really you're the best teddy bear a girl could ask for." He smiled then waved me off with saying "Yeah and you're the best squirt a big brother could ask for." He smiled at me then I headed off. At least when I'm miserable I will have Emmett to make me better. With that positive thought in my head I don't think anything will make me miserable at best anymore, and I headed off to my and Jasper's room I knew we needed to work things out but I needed to rest first.
A/N well I finally got the chapter up! Sorry it took so long but I was really busy and blah blah blah. So the chapter's title is based on the song Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade ad you can listen to it from my playlist which the link is on my profile. Well that's all I have to say so keep reviewing!