III

Axel

I haven't let Roxas go home since that day in the car, when Larxene talked to 'Naminé Winter.' I'm guessing they're related, because of the last name and because of his reaction. I never knew he had family. He's never talked about them.

He also hasn't talked since that day. It's been three days and I can't hide it any more, even from myself: I'm really fucking terrified. Roxas can be a little weird sometimes, but he's never done this before. At least, not that I've seen. Even though it's not her fault, I can't help but be pissed off at Larx. The situation would have been different if she'd answered the phone like a normal person.

But mostly, I just want Roxas to say something. He still goes to work when he's supposed to, still showers, still eats what he always eats, but it's like his body is on autopilot while his mind is on vacation. I hate it.

He's sleeping in my bed right now, but I know it won't last long. He keeps waking up at random times, restless, agitated. Whenever I get too close, he lashes out at me. I think maybe it's time to talk to this Naminé person…to get answers, because I hate seeing him like this. He's not my Roxas any more. He's not violent, either…his face is always blank, like only his body is reacting to my closeness.

There's a bite mark on his hand I'm not sure will ever go away.

"Larx," I say, once she picks up the phone.

"Yeah?" She sounds tired.

"I need you to call that girl from the club and bring her over here."

"You mean Naminé?"

"Yes. I think…maybe she could help bring Roxas back."

"We'll be there in ten," she says, and hangs up on me. I wonder if Naminé is staying with Larxene. Probably not; Larx would go crazy.

I sit on the couch and try to relax, but I can't stop myself from peeking into my room a few times. He's still asleep, and I know that, but I just need to see him.

There's a soft knock on the door, and I open it to see Larxene and a small blonde girl. She's very skinny, and dressed in white. She looks a little like Roxas. I step aside and gesture to the inside. "Sit down wherever."

The girl has a small tremor; I don't think she's flying right now, so I wonder just how long she's been a junkie. She sits on the pink armchair and puts her feet to the side, keeping her knees together. When I close the door, I sit on the couch and look at her. "You're Naminé Winter," I say.

"Yes," she replies, twining her fingers together. She looks nervous – skittish.

"I'm Axel," I continue. "A-X-E-L, Axel Garner. Memorize it; we're probably going to have a lot of contact from now on. Now tell me…do you know someone named Roxas Winter?"

I know I'm coming off as harsh, but it's hard to care. Larxene is beside me, intently staring at Naminé, and I think that's making her more nervous than she already was. I elbow her and she scowls at me, but she gets the message.

Naminé's eyes go wide and she puts her hand over her mouth. "Roxas," she whispers. "You know him? You know where he is? Can you take me to him?"

I can tell she's being sincere, so I reply, "I know him, yes. He's in my bedroom, sleeping. And no, I can't take you to him, first because you're already here, and secondly because he doesn't sleep very well these days and a sleep this long is rare."

She looks down at her lap. "He's having trouble again, then? Are you…" She bites her lower lip, and her fingers tighten around each other. "Are you taking care of him?"

"Of course we are," Larxene says, and it's almost a hiss. Naminé flinches, but Larxene doesn't seem to care. I know she notices, though, because she notices every reaction. "He's Roxas."

I think that sums it up nicely. I ask, "How are you related?"

"He's my big brother," she answers, and her face softens a bit. "I've been looking for him. I heard he was in Traverse Town, and…" She doesn't seem to be able to finish her thought; instead, she bites her lip again and blinks several times. I notice she avoids eye contact too; but she actually looks nervous, and Roxas never does.

"Hey, then you have a sister named Kairi," Larxene says. She sounds like she's trying too hard to be nice, and it's probably true. She's not used to dealing with girls, especially skittish ones like Naminé. I know she wouldn't have as many reservations if it wasn't Roxas we were talking about.

Naminé looks up sharply, and for a moment, her face sets into a hard expression. It's gone in an instant, but I recognized it as a fierce, protective feeling Larxene's question brought up. "Yes. My twin's name is Kairi."

This is all news to me. "What? How did you know?"

"Ah…one morning, Roxas woke up and shouted her name, like he was scared. He told me he thinks he has a sister named Kairi, but he can't remember properly."

I glance at Naminé, who doesn't look very startled by the revelation. Hmm. "Why have you been looking for him?"

She unclenches her fingers and instead puts her palms on her thighs, smoothing out her white skirt. "Our parents…are dead," she begins. Her voice is misty, but she doesn't sound very sad about the subject. "We don't know why he left the Islands, but we thought he should know…in case he wants to come back and live with us again."

I clench my teeth when she says that. I don't want him to leave.

"I've been looking for a year, ever since…ah. Well, I've found him, thanks to you. Have you…has he…is he okay?"

"Of course not," I snap. Naminé flinches again. I don't care. "He won't talk. He freaks out if I even get near him. The lights are on, but no one's home. He's…" I dig my palm into my left eye in agitation. "Has this happened before?"

She smoothes her skirt again and nods shallowly. "When we were younger, he didn't like to speak much. He has trouble…communicating with people sometimes. Our parents…" It's very faint, but I can see the distaste on her face. "They were no help. They decided he was just a freak and our dad tried to keep him away from us. It didn't work…but we always had a hard time understanding each other anyway. I've seen him extremely unresponsive once, and I hoped…"

She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut for a second. "I was only eleven. We came back from a secret picnic, and Kairi fell off the window and started bleeding. It wouldn't stop. He hated to be touched, but he held her while I went to get our parents, because she was scared. He wasn't allowed to come to the hospital with us…and she…they found out she has leukemia. He wasn't allowed to see her, and he got really angry. He wouldn't let anyone near him, and he wouldn't talk – because he knew it wouldn't matter. When he's stressed out, he thinks a little differently, and…I think he has trouble translating his thoughts into words."

I frown, but I'm not angry. What she's saying makes sense from a logical perspective, but that's not the Roxas I know. He messes around enough that I know he's not completely adverse to physical contact, even if he doesn't like being touched outside of sex; and he speaks just fine, most of the time. He's quiet, and a little strange, but he's not…he's the awesome kind of freak. I'd never think of him like it sounds like his parents did.

I'm glad they're dead, and I never even knew them.

"So wait, let me get this straight. Your dead parents were dicks and kept him away from your sick sister, who he obviously cared about, kicked him out as soon as possible, and now you're here to take him away from the closest thing he has to a true family," Larxene asks harshly. "Are you fucking kidding me, girl?"

"No, it's not like that," Naminé says, and she sounds like she's pleading for us to understand. "I didn't know the situation…I just wanted to find him, and…ask him if he wants to come home. Kairi is worried. She'd be here, but she…she needs to stay on the Islands, for checkups and for our other family."

Larx makes an ugly, derisive sound. "What, so you leave your sister to fend for herself while you live it up here, getting fucked up in clubs and carrying around your little bag of goodies? Is this even about Roxas?"

"I'm not…that's a rare occurrence!"

She doesn't sound like she believes her own words. I roll my eyes. "So? What about Roxas?"

"I want to see him. Kairi wants to see him…he hasn't even met the twins, and we just…look, this honestly isn't about me. I know I'm…I'm not a strong person…but I do love him."

So do I, I want to say, but I'm not stupid or desperate enough to actually do it.

"Besides," she continues very softly, "I don't know if she'll have very much time. The cancer has…come out of remission…and we can't afford another round of chemotherapy. I don't want to lose her, and we didn't know what to do, and I just…I want her to be able to see him before…if she…she's dying and she wants to at least say goodbye."

She looks helpless, and I wonder why she's doing drugs if she has all this to deal with. But then I think that's probably why. Everyone has their own ways of forgetting, and even though this is stupid, I can see the reasoning behind it.

Larxene makes a strange noise, like she's clearing her throat and trying not to be noticed. I glance at her and realize she's trying not to be affected. I don't get it; she's never this empathetic about anything. Maybe it's a girl thing; Larx is still a girl, whether she interacts with other girls or not. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was attracted to Naminé, but I do know better.

Suddenly, there's a noise from inside the bedroom and I'm on my feet before I even think about getting up. This is getting ridiculous, but I can't seem to calm down.

Roxas is on the floor, pushing himself up shakily. His face is red, and I'm pretty sure he fell out of bed after waking up. He doesn't usually do things like that, and in another situation it might be funny.

He raises his head and looks at me, eyes wide. He looks away quickly, but his eyes only get wider when he sees his sister. Scrambling to his feet, he watches her carefully. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her smile at him. "Hello, Roxas."

He blinks and swallows. I figure he'll probably stay silent, but he says, "…Naminé."

I'm jealous, because after two words, she got him to talk, while he hasn't talked to me in three days.

But at least he is talking, now.

Larxene

I can't decide whether I like her or hate her. It seems like I can't decide a lot of things lately. I hate being indecisive, and I hate that she just appeared out of nowhere and screwed up everything. She says she doesn't want to take him away from us, but that's bullshit. Their sister is dying, so whether she 'wants' to take him away or not, it doesn't matter. He'll probably go anyway. Even though he doesn't like to form attachments, he's a better person than I am.

And it's never bothered me till now. It's not that I want to be a better person…I just wish he could be a worse one.

This is making me think about all the things I don't know about him. I never knew he had two sisters. I never knew he could get like this. But…I always knew just how weak love makes a person. I feel sick, and it's his fault. I wish I could hate him.

I don't, though.

So I'll settle for second best and hate her.

"I missed you," Naminé says softly, approaching him slowly. He's looking at her like he doesn't know if she's real; like he's confused at the sight of her. But I don't say anything, because he probably won't answer me anyway and that will really frustrate me. That's why I haven't been coming around – I want my Roxas back.

"Naminé," he says again, more decisively. He looks like he wants this to be real, but doesn't want to interact in case it's not.

She nods. "Yes, up close and real. How are you?"

I think that's one of the most stupid questions I've heard in a long time, and I roll my eyes and cross my arms. Roxas notices the movement and frowns. "Larxene?"

I can't help but grin. He actually sounds better this time, instead of dreamy and wary. "Happy to see you haven't forgotten me. It's very flattering, darling."

He makes a face, but it's great because it means he's really interacting again. I still kind of hate Naminé, but at least she got him to talk, and I think he might be coming out of whatever funk he was in.

He turns back to his sister and Axel's shoulders seem to droop. I don't know the exact reason, but it's probably because they're best friends and Roxas didn't say anything to him.

"What...are you doing here," Roxas asks after a moment of silence.

"I've been trying to find you for a year; Kairi wanted to see you, at least once-"

"Kairi? Where is...she?"

His speech is slow and broken, like he's learning how to speak again, or like he's learning a different language. Naminé sighs and I clench my fist, before I exit the room. I can't handle watching this, and I think I might explode.

I sit on the couch and grab two fistfuls of my hair, breathing through my nose to try to calm down. I feel that pathetic feeling again, and it's disgusting.

Soon, Axel sits down next to me. He doesn't touch me or say anything, but I know it's an invitation to spill my guts. Normally, I wouldn't. But today, everything has come to a head and it's going to explode if I don't do something.

"I think I might hate her," I confess quietly. "She's trying to take Roxas away from us. He wouldn't talk to either of us for three days, but after two words, she pulled him away from that weird funk. She's running around clubs, getting high on her own, and she still says this is for Roxas and Kairi. I don't care that he's talking to her - I mean, I am glad he's talking, but I want him to talk to us...to me. I don't want him to leave."

He sits silently for a few moments, and I can't read his face. It's frustrating and I have to restrain the urge to punch him in the nose.

"I don't know what to say," he says finally. I grit my teeth and he looks at me sideways. "What? I'm as messed up as you. I always felt like Roxas was...I always thought he was just part of us, and he wouldn't ever go away, but he never said he would stay. I want him to stay. I want to wake up one morning and..." He looks to the side and goes quiet.

"And what," I ask. He's acting weird. Weirder than usual, anyway.

"I want to be his best man at your wedding." His voice is thick and not-quite-sincere, but the only thing I can focus on is what he just said.

"Best man...wedding? Where the hell did that even come from?" I don't know why, but that brings up all sorts of panic. At least my voice is as mocking and smooth as ever.

"Don't tell me you haven't thought about it," he says, but he's actually asking if I have. "It was obvious to me. I always thought it was just a matter of time."

His voice is bitter. Maybe I was wrong...maybe it's not that he loves Roxas. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have anyone, and thinking about us - me and Roxas - together brings that up. He doesn't sound jealous...just bitter.

"No, we've never talked about it. Now shut up about it. You sound like a pussy."

He grins. "Why do I hang out with you, Larxie-darling?"

"Because I'm the biggest bitch in town, and you're a freak," I answer frankly.

Roxas and Naminé come out of the bedroom; Naminé has a small smile on her face, but Roxas looks...surly. He looks aggravated. He looks at me and Axel and it almost seems like he's pleading with us.

He sits down next to Axel and pointedly doesn't look at his sister. The smile on her face falters, but he doesn't look like he cares.

"I have to go to the Islands," he says. It's still too slow and measured, like he's from another place. He sounds confused.

"I figured," I say. I can't quite keep the aggravation from my voice, but he doesn't react to it. Instead, he frowns thoughtfully.

"Will you come?"

I was not expecting that. Axel looks as if someone just told him he now gets a birthday party every day. It's a little ridiculous.

"Of course," says Axel. That's easy for him to say. He's not the one who has a job. But it's not like I'm going to say no.

"You know the answer, you big loser," I reply. I think he'll appreciate everything staying the same; it still makes him smile.

Naminé looks surprised at my words, but when she sees Roxas' face, she smiles too. I guess she was expecting him to take offense or something.

I'm smiling, Roxas is smiling, Naminé is smiling, Axel is smiling, and it's a disgustingly cheerful scene, but I'm just glad he's starting to come back.

Roxas

I don't remember what sent me to the bottom of the Ferris wheel, stuck with all the numbers, but I thought I'd never get out. I could understand what was going on, but I couldn't care and I couldn't respond. I could only watch.

And then I saw Naminé.

I don't know why she's here, or why she pulled me out in the first place. But it's like she has a hold on my heart, and when I saw her, she made me remember how to talk, how to see clearly, why I care in the first place.

I'm embarrassed to say anything to Axel, even though I think I probably should. He spent a long time taking care of me, even though I didn't need it. My head was telling me to let him come close, but my body kept pushing him away, hurting him.

I spent three days watching him run himself ragged and I want to apologize but I'm afraid he'll laugh like he laughs at everything. I usually don't mind but this is the most important thing I've needed to do in a long time.

But I'm glad he's coming to the Islands. I was worried he would want to stay here, with Larx, to forget about me like I sometimes think he should. I want to spend time with Kairi, but I don't think I could do it if they weren't with me.

"You owe me," Larxene tells Naminé, sounding harsh. But she doesn't mean it as much as it sounds. I don't know what Naminé owes her, but I think Naminé is afraid to find out. She keeps shaking, like she's scared.

"I...do? Uh...what do you..."

"Relax, kid. I don't want your firstborn or anything stupid like that. I'm shit with the little monsters anyway. Your soul will do nicely."

Naminé looks at Larxene oddly, and then she smiles. "All right, I know you're joking with me."

"Damn, was it that obvious? Then I guess we'll have to settle for lunch at Gipetto's and a story."

"A story?"

"Yeah. I think I deserve to know who the fuck Maurice is, and why you became a goddamn human leech at the club."

Naminé goes very still, but she nods. "All right."

The girls stand up, and I realize, "This is the first time Larxene has ever had a girl friend since I've met her."

I don't know who I'm speaking to, but everyone laughs, even Larx. It makes me happy, I think, because when Larx and my sister leave, it hits me that everyone can understand me and I feel like maybe I'm getting better.

Axel follows me into the bedroom, like I guessed he would. I don't know what words to use, and I'm embarrassed again, even though I don't know why; but I know I need to say something to him, eventually.

I sit down on the far side of the bed and point to the spot next to me, telling him he can sit there. I like that I don't need a lot of words to speak to him; he just knows me, and I think maybe I know him.

As soon as he sits down, I scoot over and put my arms around him, and put my ear on his chest. His heartbeat is a little fast, but it's still loud and pleasing to my ears. At first he stiffens, but then he puts his hand on my head. I think it feels nice when he brushes my hair with his fingers.

"Don't scare me like that again," he tells me.

"I'm sorry," I say, and I mean it. He isn't aware of the numbers or the buzzing, but I think maybe he could understand someday. Not right now; I don't know how to say it yet.

But I know it feels nice to touch him. For the first time, it feels really nice to touch someone, and I don't want to let go. So I push him down to the pillows, and count the beats of his heart until my eyes get heavy. He stays quiet, which makes me glad, because this way I can listen better.

He makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, balanced in a very unbalanced way, and for the second time I'm going to fall asleep like this.

Soon his heart slows, and his breathing evens out. He's asleep. His eyes close when he's asleep, so I take a chance and look into his face. He looks peaceful again; his lips are not touching, but close, and his eyelashes are just barely touching his cheeks. I touch his cheeks, one time each with my forefinger, and he doesn't wake up.

I take a chance, a bigger one than before, and I do something I don't think I've ever done to anyone, not even Larxene. I press our lips together for three of his heartbeats, and then I kiss the spot my ear was, right above his heart.

He doesn't wake up, but I think I want to do that when he's awake sometime. I think I want to see how it feels to have his lips move against mine.

He suddenly shifts, and he moves onto his side, taking me closer to him by tightening his arms around me. My first instinct is to squirm away or push him, but I bite down on my finger till I'm calm. And I realize something, caught there like I'm in a cage made of clouds.

I like it. And I want to do this again, many times. I think it's a bad idea, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. So when he wakes up, I'll see if I can explain it to him.

But for now, I think I'm falling asleep to the lullaby of his heartbeat.