IV
Axel
I really don't know what to do any more. It's like Roxas is slipping away, which isn't true because he likes to fall asleep with his head on my chest nowadays. But it's like the Roxas I fell in love with, the Roxas who wouldn't touch me, is falling away.
It's not a bad thing. It's damn good, in my opinion, because the basic Roxas make-up is still there. It's easier to be around him, but I guess I'm just never satisfied because now that I can touch him, those accidental brushes aren't as special.
What the fuck, I know. It's been a week since Naminé came by, a week since Roxas woke up from that dead stage, and I'm getting used to waking up in my own bed with his ear pressed against my chest, even if he's awake. He still doesn't talk much, but that's normal. And I don't miss the times I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and couldn't, but I...well, I guess I just wish I could kiss him again, but make it real this time. Kiss him when I know he'll remember.
I wish I could be sure, when I run my fingers through his hair, that he isn't just okay with it; that he actually wants me to do it. I know it's selfish, especially since we just got this far, but I never pretended to be perfect, or even a good person. Sometimes I think he deserves better, better than me or even Larx (god knows she's wild, and she tends to break things, even if she doesn't mean to). But I can't tell him.
Fuck, this is insane.
"Good morning," I say, as soon as he opens his eyes. I was lucky enough to wake up before him, if only by a few minutes.
He stiffens, just like he does every morning this happens, but then he relaxes again. The stiffness is getting shorter every time. "Morning, Axel."
I love it when he says my name like that - voice thick with sleep and raspy because it's cold and it gets to his throat. It's like a reminder that he's here, with me, waking up next to me instead of waking me up after sleeping next to someone else, or alone.
I love him, I love him,
"I love-" I backtrack, before my blurted words can take him away. "-mornings like these. Look, you can see the white on the awning across the street."
He gives me a small smile and pushes himself up, stretching slightly, before turning his head to see the new snow. I can hardly keep myself from pulling him down on top of me, but I think I need to leave it all to him. God, he makes everything seem a little brighter, and I'm…so fucking attached. Larx is a friend, but if I lost her, I wouldn't cry about it or anything.
But I honestly don't think I could live without Roxas. I know how fucked up that is, but I can't help it.
"It's beautiful," he says blandly, and he's looking me. For a moment I pretend he's talking about me, but then I realize how pathetic that is, so I roll my eyes.
"Sentimental sap." He doesn't know I'm talking about myself.
"Egregious ass," he shoots back pleasantly.
This is how it should be. This, I think, is how I want to spend every morning. In bed with Roxas, calling each other names, feeling the morning with every part of me. I think he's never been more beautiful than he is right now, but every time I realize he's beautiful, I always think that.
I know he knows I'm watching him, because he looks at the door and bites the knuckle of his forefinger like he always does. I'm about to say something, anything, but he cuts me off.
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what," I ask, even though I think I already know.
"Watch me like that." He's mumbling around his knuckle, and I want to pull it out but I think he'd pull away completely if I did that.
Here's my big chance. But I'm not going to take it. As painful as it is to know he may someday be able to love me back, it would hurt worse to lose him forever. So I laugh and answer, "Because I don't get how such a big loser can be so damn cute in the mornings."
He makes a face at me. "You're an idiot."
"How did you figure it out so fast?"
He shrugs, and looks at me. He takes his finger out of his mouth after biting it until it bleeds, and meets my eyes. I can barely breathe. And then something changes.
He leans over me - not touching me, but with his hands on either side of my chest. My heart beats like a hummingbird's wings against my ribcage, and I try to hold his gaze but it's really hard.
His head drops down, and for a moment - two seconds at most - our lips connect, and our eyes never leave each other's.
And then he lifts up, ducks his head, looks away.
"Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to make you-"
"I liked it," I say. My voice sounds stupidly breathy.
"Me too. But I..."
"Roxas?" He's starting to breathe funny. He's not hyperventilating, but it sounds like he's been running. I lift myself up on my elbows and try again, because I hate that sound - it scares me. "But what, Roxas?"
"I don't want you to ever end up like Demyx, or Selphie, or Zexion" he murmurs. "I want you to stay perfect."
And now it's my turn to look away, because if I tilt my head, I can imagine that as something like a confession. I want it to be a confession. I want to kiss him again...oh, god. He's killing me slowly, and I still wouldn't trade this for anything. I'm fucking insane.
"What if...what if I ask you to kiss me again," I ask. I'm taking a risk here; I really hope it doesn't backfire, and I bite my lip when he scowls.
And then I have to struggle to breathe because he says, "I would do it."
"Kiss me," I say, as soon as I can manage it.
Roxas
I think that on some deep, unreachable level, I have wanted to kiss Axel for a long time, because I feel something like relief; but I definitely never wanted him to want it. It makes me a little angry, that he wants it.
I don't understand why he would want to kiss me, when he knows it will only hurt. I don't understand why he would choose to kiss me over Larx - and I know he has, because he wouldn't lie to me about his lack of relationship with her and he's weird about kisses among friends, I think. He's not the most honest person, but it would be pointless to lie about that. I also don't understand why touching him makes my breathing speed up and my heart beat in that weird, fast-paced way.
But I feel right - it feels like it's something I was always meant to do. It makes me more alive than anything else I've ever done. It's only a press of our lips, but I imagine it might taste like a little part of that perfection surrounding his person. It really feels like it, at any rate.
Something warm and writhing appears in my stomach, and it scares me, so I pull away - I don't want to, but the feeling in my stomach is making me sick, and I feel like I want to punch him.
He lets me go, but he watches me closely, like he wants to continue.
He swallows something, maybe something stuck in his throat. He licks his lips and I'm torn between biting his tongue until it bleeds and punching him hard. It's painful to look at him, painful to watch him flush like this. But I just can't look away now; it's like someone invisible stuck my eyes on him, and if I try to pull them away they might fall out.
"I," he says, and swallows again. "I-"
Larxene bursts through the door like she always does, loud like she always is. She can be silent, so I don't know why she is noisy when she comes in - maybe she wants us to know she's there. Maybe she knew I would kiss Axel someday, and she doesn't want to walk in on that.
I don't know whether I'm upset with her for interrupting Axel, even though she didn't mean to, or glad she did, even though she didn't mean to. I'm a tiny bit afraid to find out what he was going to say, but now I'm really curious.
He brings up so many emotions in me, it's hard to keep track and classify them. They come and go and that's why I kind of wish he would just be silent about that, stay silent about that. When I think about it, I want to kiss him, to shut him up, to find out what he tastes like behind his lips.
"Your sister is crazy, Roxas," Larxene calls. She comes into the bedroom and squints, the angry kind of squint. "What's going on here?"
Axel is looking away from me, all pink in the face, and I think I might look similar because for some reason my face is hot. Axel speaks up before I can.
"I drooled all over the pillow," he mumbles. "And he accidentally put his head on it. He called me an egregious ass again. I swear, he's abusive!"
And I swear, he's an idiot. What is he talking about, anyway?
Larx gives him a searching look. I don't know why he lied, but now I can't go against it, since I'm sure he had a reason. Finally, Larxene gives us both a mocking smile. "You two are total losers. Remind me why I hang out with you?"
"You're the biggest bitch in town and we're the only ones who can tolerate you," Axel shoots back. "Commit it to memory this time."
"And Naminé, apparently," she says, curling her lip a little. I don't recognize the tone in her voice, but she doesn't look very happy.
"What about my sister," I ask. She isn't usually upset about anything people do, because I don't think she cares about anyone but me and Axel. So I don't understand why she's upset now.
"She's suddenly much attached. Like we're Best Friends For-fucking-ever. What the hell? I'm a bitch. I have no idea how the fuck she can hang around me when I'm purposefully antagonizing her. Makes a girl wonder what kind of company she kept before me. Fuck. Girl's sick or something."
Axel laughs, and I don't know why. It seems like a very straightforward problem, at least for Larx. I suspect Naminé just needs a friend, and Larxene is someone she knows.
But Axel says, "I can't believe you're worried about her. Big bad Larxie, brought down by a little blonde waif? That's some poetic justice right there."
When Larxene looks away, biting her lip and clenching her fists angrily, I know he's right. I also know she'll be extra-mean to my sister now, because she doesn't want him to be right. She likes being known as a bitch; she likes being intimidating. It's a game for her. It's usually fun to watch, but I don't know if it will be as fun this time because Naminé is my sister and not a random person.
"You're a pretentious asshole," she grumbles.
"And you're just a softie at heart," he teases. I like to watch their faces when they go through these exchanges; it's like a movie without music.
She glares at him. "I know where you sleep at night."
"That's amazing, darling! I know where I sleep at night too. I'm glad you're not left out of the loop any more!"
They exchange grins, and I'm hit by a strange feeling - this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want everything to stay this perfect and beautiful, with Larx pretending to be a bitch and Axel pretending to be awful, and me...
I just pretend I understand what I see, but there are things none of us need to pretend, and that's what makes it all worthwhile. That's what I like most of all: even if no one tells the truth, we all know it anyway. That's how I want to live until I die; knowing that no words never need to be exchanged to truly understand each other.
I catch a strange look on Larxene's face when she looks at Axel - she almost seems to hate him all of a sudden. But it's gone quickly, before I can properly classify it, and now I think maybe I just imagined it.
That has to be it.
"You're always here," she says to me, frowning. It looks like a normal frown, but for some reason it seems like there's something much deeper there this time. It's too deep for me to get a good look at, though.
"I gave up my apartment," I explain. "We're leaving in two days, and we figured it was stupid to keep it, especially because I stay over here so often."
"You should do the same," Axel says. "Tifa Lockhart and Yuffie Kisaragi need a bigger place; you can pass the torch. Roxas gave his to Cloud and Aerith Strife. You can still do it, since you don't live in an established complex."
"Yeah," she says, looking at me strangely. "Yeah, I think that's a great idea."
The look on her face is a little scary - scarier than usual.
Scary like murder, not scary like bitch.
Larxene
I'm not stupid. I may not say anything when I notice things, but I'm not stupid. I can tell something has changed.
Roxas is sleeping on Axel's shoulder, in the seat across from me. He never did that with me; even in sleep, he refuses to touch anyone, but apparently he likes to touch Axel. The whole thing makes me want to puke - I'm not sure why, exactly, but I know something big and ugly wells up in my stomach every time their skins brush and Roxas doesn't subtly shy away.
Naminé is asleep beside me, and Axel's eyes are shut, so I'm the only one awake in our Gummi compartment; I sort of want to reach over and punch Axel in the nose, but I'm going to wait until I can get him good.
I've never hated anyone before - not really. I usually just don't care about anyone enough to hate them, but I'm pretty sure I hate him right now. Just looking at his stupid, awkward face makes a foul sensation run through me and makes me want to kill something.
Not him, though. Never him. Even though I hate him. I'd be completely alone, and it would be my first regret. Probably my only one, but still - I can't deal with that right now. I can't fucking deal with this shit.
This is supposed to be us; me, and my two assholes. Not me, two guys who probably prefer each other to me, and a stupid delicate Aero addict who keeps growing on me no matter how much I do to push her away.
She shifts, and her head hits my shoulder. For a moment, I entertain the idea of knifing her like I should have done in the club, but that's a stupid idea, and like I said, I'm not stupid.
It's her fault, though. If she hadn't fucking come here, we could be us, instead of me and them.
Fuck. This isn't life. This isn't my life. This is someone else's life; I'm just looking into an alternate reality, where everything's fucked and we just have the same names.
I wish I could wake up. Christ, it's the loudest sort of silence right now. I want them all to wake up and talk, so I can at least pretend it's okay. So I can come back to my world, and leave this fucking bizarre silent torture.
I push her head off me roughly, but it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.