V

Roxas

I like to watch Larxene when she's sleeping. I don't know why; it's not really something I've ever enjoyed, but she's different. She's always been different. She makes me feel like twelve, like thirteen, and even though that's not as perfect as eight and thirteen, it's close. I've been so caught up in the strangeness regarding Axel - the touching, our two kisses, the wondering about what he tastes like and the things he didn't get a chance to say - that I haven't given her much thought at all, and I think that makes me a bad friend, at least to her.

She really is beautiful when she sleeps. It's not the same as when Axel sleeps; he's peace and almost childish perfection, but she's the most aesthetically pleasing person I've ever seen, and when she sleeps I get to study her natural face, before she mars it with expression.

She's curled up next to me on the first bed in our hotel room; Naminé is at home, and Axel sleeps alone when Larxene is with us. I've not been able to figure that out - why he would refuse to sleep next to me in front of Larx - but I guess it's just a part of the things he doesn't talk about, so it's okay.

Her eyes open, and for a moment, it hits me...she's really years younger than I am. I can see her youth written on her face when she stretches, and though I know it probably looks similar on mine (like it's mirrored on Axel's), she just looks...small. Like a curled-up kitten with a child's face trying to find an adult expression.

I reach out and touch her face, trying to feel the child before she turns into the adult, trying to feel the change and understand why it happens. I wonder if that happens when I wake up, and if anyone would want to touch the child in me, if anyone cares enough to want to know what he thinks.

Probably not. They don't touch me unless I've initiated it, usually. It's not a bad thing - I prefer it that way, but I do wonder why.

"Roxas? The hell was that about?" Her face is a tiny bit red and I think she might be angry with me, even though her voice is still sleep-soft and light.

"I just wanted to touch the small part of you," I say, trying to explain the best way I can. "You're beautiful asleep."

I can tell it's not working very well, because her face gets redder. "Oh...well..."

Is she...embarrassed?

"Sorry," I offer, feeling lame and oddly inadequate.

"Loser," she murmurs. But she sounds pleased, like I've just passed a test, or possibly given her a gift. It doesn't make sense, but that's okay. I'm used to that.

I scoot away, though, when she tries to touch me. I don't understand how touching Axel can make me feel all right, especially since Larx - the one I have touched most in the past - is still too hard. Maybe it's because I know Axel would never want to have sex with me, now that we've kissed. The lips are special, sacred, and the only other person I've ever kissed is Demyx. If we did anything more, I would ruin him, like I ruined Demyx. I can't, I can't.

Thinking about this frightens me, I think. Larxene makes a face at me. "Am I that hideous, Rox?"

It's not her fault I can't touch her. So I reply, "No. You're beautiful. That's why I moved. I can't...touch you."

But when I say it out loud it doesn't make sense any more.

"You touch Axel," she says, and it sounds bitter, like she just tasted black licorice instead of jelly beans.

"Because he's not the one I sleep with!" I'm trying to explain but judging from her angered expression, she isn't understanding at all.

"Oh, so you'll never touch the ones you bang? What am I to you, some kind of sex toy?!"

I frown. "Why would you ask a question like that? I just can't touch you casually, because you're special..."

Just like Axel is special. Only I don't say that.

She makes me feel like twelve, like thirteen. If you add twelve and thirteen you get twenty-five, which is a good number. But I don't say this either; I don't think she could understand. Numbers are mine, and she likes words.

"You're such a freak," she says, but she doesn't sound angry any more. Just...something else I can't decipher. I might say defeated but she never gets that way, so I'll label it 'sad' instead.

I could ask her if I'm right, but she'll probably yell at me and ultimately skirt around the issue, so it's pointless.

"But I'm your freak," I say. It's a standard answer to a standard insult and I'm glad she understands that I would never think of her as anything less than perfect.

My heart jumps.

"I'm tired." This is a lie but I want it to be true.

"Lying shit."

"Bitch."

"Go to sleep, asshole. If the bedbugs bite, it's because I put them there."

I smile and lie still and close my eyes and wish for sleep. But I don't think I sleep as well if I'm not listening to Axel's heartbeat. I never knew how bad my sleep was until I slept with my head on his chest. Does this make me spoiled? Does Kairi have a perfect heartbeat to sing her to sleep at night?

I don't want to think about Kairi, so I decide to count the regular beats of my own heart. There is no pattern but I can still pretend, for a few seconds at least, that I am regular like everyone else.

Strangely, this is tiring.

Larxene

I can't believe this all is happening. We are in Destiny Islands, checked into one hotel room. Roxas has touched me casually - he touched my face a couple of days ago, right as I was waking up. I don't know what made me yell at him, even though it made me happy.

There is something amazing about him, something other than his beauty and his mind. It's a bizarre something that makes me love him.

Axel, who is sitting with me in a coffee shop, looks at my face and smirks in his stupid way. "I think I can see smoke coming out of your ears. Stop thinking so hard; it makes you ugly."

A woman looks over at us and gives him a very disappointed look; I flip her off and smile sweetly at him. She looks away and I say, "I can't possibly look uglier than you. Anyway, I'm just thinking about Roxas. He's stuck with his family; don't you think it's time he introduced us?"

"Well, they haven't seen each other in years," he says carefully, as if he's not sure whether that's the right thing to say. I hate it when he does it; it's so uncharacteristic of him that I kind of want to kick his teeth in. Besides, that usually means he's lying and I hate it when people lie to me.

"So what?"

"So, we should step back for five seconds. Isn't that why we're here? Oh, wait. We're here because you're hiding from Naminé, like some goddamn wuss."

That cuts to the quick, not because it's overly malicious but because it's true, and he only knows because he knows me so well. Naminé isn't made like me and Axel and Roxas, she's pure somehow. Even with her Aero addiction and her weird thing with flowers. She pretends she doesn't like them but she always lingers at the window of the nursery, and I'm sure it has to do with Maurice or whoever the fuck broke her. And she scares me because I don't know how to deal with a pure person like her.

"That was fucking uncalled for," I say, reaching over the table and flicking his lips, hard.

"Ow, shit! Yeah, you're probably right. Bitch." He doesn't sound sorry at all, and I know he's not, so I'm glad he didn't say it. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I can admit I wouldn't have him any other way, but I would never let him know.

"You know I'm a bitch, Axel. You don't have to publicize it and deny me the fun of terrorizing an entire island."

"Oh yes I do. How can I possibly feel important if I don't push you down?"

I laugh. Sometimes I wish that was true, but I think out of all of us, Axel is the most caring. He just...never shows it. Ever. And he's too self-assured to be bothered when people think he's a jackass. Sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out had Roxas never come to Traverse Town, but then I realize we're four years apart in age but decades apart in wisdom. And I think he would have gotten bored eventually, so we'd end up hating each other.

"You're an abusive bastard."

"Good thing we're not dating, then."

But we don't hate each other, even though it probably looks that way to other people.

"Roxas thought we were together, you know," he says randomly, and I kind of want to punch him again. We were having a great time, and then he brought up Roxas.

"Really."

"Yeah. He asked me why we...put up with him, basically. He said we were perfect together, and that...we could be better than we are. That we should leave him behind."

His face is the visualization of disgust, but I know better than to be offended. He's not disgusted at the thought of spending the rest of his life with me - it's kind of a given that we'll be together till we die anyway, just not Together - but disgusted at the thought of living together without Roxas.

"Well, he's SOL if he thinks that's happening," I remark. It's true. We're three forever, whether he likes it or not. But I know he does.

"Yeah, I know. I was just surprised - he was fucked on Ether, and you know he doesn't ever lie then. Why do you think that is, anyway?"

"That's when his mind's not chaotic," I say. "He's ordered but he's too inebriated to realize he's saying his thoughts out loud." It's really obvious, at least to me. But then, I love to observe and analyze. If I didn't take pleasure in others' pain and suffering, I'd probably be a great psychiatrist or something.

"Huh." Sometimes I wonder how Axel can be so stupid when he's so smart. Out of the three of us, I'm the dumb one, but Axel acts stupid and no one knows just how far it goes with me because I know how to lie. If someone is talking about something I don't understand, I stay quiet and listen for a while until I understand enough to inject a mind-blowing comment. But Axel just doesn't even bother.

I glance out the window and do a double-take; Roxas is outside the window, hugging a boy tightly. The boy has brown hair and even though I can't see him very well, I think he looks like Roxas a little.

But then I realize Roxas isn't hugging back; he's stiff and the arms around the boy look lifeless. Finally the brunette pulls away. Belatedly, I flick some butter at Axel and point out the window. He frowns in a strange not-upset way. Odd fucker.

The two enter the shop and head to our table. Roxas sits by me and the new boy sits by Axel; for a second, I'm pleased he chose me again. But that's stupid so I push it away.

"I'm Sora," the brunette says cheerfully. "What are your names, Roxas' friends?"

Axel and I look at each other for a moment. How does Roxas know this weirdo?

"I'm Axel," says Axel after a minute. "This is Larxene, but we call her Bitch for short. You look like a kid."

Sora rolls his eyes. "I am a kid. I'm nineteen, anyway. I'm Roxas' future brother-in-law. At least, I was hoping."

Roxas looks away and I realize Sora is saying he was hoping to marry Kairi. I want to reach out and grab Roxas' hand but I don't, because I know he'll pull away. But when Axel does it, thinking he's sneaky for doing it under the table, Roxas lets him and even squeezes a little. I refuse to be jealous though, because I know they've never slept together. They probably haven't even kissed. Roxas isn't into kissing.

"You can still..." Roxas stops and for the first time, it shows on his face: he has no idea what to do. He doesn't understand...something. And I know he won't tell us because he doesn't know how.

"No," Sora says. "It would kill Naminé. Kairi doesn't want to...you know...perpetuate the cycle. Marluxia really did a number on her."

I raise my eyebrow at Axel, who shrugs slightly. It's weird to be sitting with Roxas and listening to a conversation we absolutely can't follow. I'm used to knowing things and I'm out of my element; it scares me but only Axel knows when I'm scared, because everyone else thinks I'm just bitchier than usual. Maybe Roxas knows. But he never really calls me on it.

"Who is this Marluxia," Roxas questions. "Naminé wouldn't tell me and I didn't want to ask Kairi."

Sora makes a face. "He's Naminé's ex. She met him at the nursery - he owns it. They put it in...just after you left, actually. She thought he was perfect...I thought he was awful, but she didn't want to hear that. He would give her presents, and always called her his 'little white rose,' which made her happy. But then he started a really weird 'overprotective' thing, which was really more of a control thing. She got scared, but she couldn't leave him because he's much bigger than any of us and he made it clear that if she left, she'd be sorry. That's when the addictions started...she stopped eating, just to have something she could control. But he would sometimes make her eat, so she started throwing it up. He found out, and even though he never hit her, she was always terrified he would. So she started doing Aero, because it gave her the same light feeling and it makes you unable to eat. We - Riku and I, that is - tried to save her from him, but..."

Sora sighed and looked at the table. "He told her he was tired of her, and he didn't want to see her again. That was only after she gave everything up for him. He told her it all had been a game - an experiment. She took the chance to leave when your parents died, because she couldn't handle being in the same town but not being able to see him. She came back every month, and when Kairi got sick again...she knew she had to find you quick. And here you are."

"Riku tried to help you?" Roxas looks a little upset for some reason, and I wonder why that stands out the most.

"He's different now," Sora defends. Axel looks at me again, and this time I shrug. I don't know or care who Riku is, but I think I understand now why Naminé was so clingy at the club.

I don't like the story though; I'm not really a feminist, because I think it should be a given that girls are equal and if anyone tells me otherwise they're just unintelligent or uneducated, so I don't care about their opinions. But that's not the way a girl should be treated, especially by a guy she gave her whole self to. He's a guy I'd probably knife if I ever met him. In fact, I think I might go do it after this. I know where I can find him.

A look at Roxas actually scares me. His facial expression hasn't changed much, but he feels angry. I can tell. And for such a stoic person, this much anger will almost certainly turn into something huge, and probably violent; he did spend a year lifting sixty-pound boxes every day. Maybe I'll let him have this battle. After all, Naminé is his sister.

After a minute, though, it's gone and he looks as calm as he usually does. "I want you to meet my other sister," he says, looking first at me and then at Axel. He wriggles his hand away from Axel's, and I notice that Axel seems a little upset about that.

"Of course," I say immediately. "Jackass and I were just talking about that. Weren't we, Cupcake?"

"What a lie! I'm surprised at you, Larxie-darling," he replies, batting his eyelashes at me. This is the kind of thing that makes him such a presence; he can be such a charming guy, even when he's insulting the hell out of people. Sometimes I wonder what possessed Roxas to become friends with people like us.

Roxas rolls his eyes. "You don't have a choice anyway. Tomorrow Kairi will be home, because we can't afford to keep her in the hospital, even with my savings."

I wonder how he can say that with a straight face...but I really think he just feels so much that it's like he doesn't feel anything, or he doesn't know how. He's odd like that.

Axel

Roxas' sister still has her red hair. I don't know why I expected her to be bald - because I know they can't afford chemotherapy. I want to tell Roxas he can use my money, that he could have everything if it made him happy. But Larx told me he wouldn't take it and I think she's right. I might tell him anyway, or even donate it and call it an anonymous contribution - because even though Kairi's too sweet and light for my tastes, I can tell he loves her in his own weird way and I don't think he could handle losing her.

She's not weak, really; she can move around and stuff, at any rate; but she does look like everything is tiring and she takes naps a lot. Right now Larx is hanging out with Naminé - that's something I haven't been able to figure out yet, but I think it must be a girl thing - and Roxas has gone to get some more baby snacks for the twins he never knew about, so it's just me and Kairi here and damn, it's awkward.

"You love my brother," she says, after a weird staring contest. I was hoping she'd break the silence but I can't say I'm very happy about the subject she used.

So I just keep looking at her.

"It's obvious," she continues. "And I think he loves you back. He never let anyone touch him if he didn't initiate it, when he still lived with us, but he lets you touch him."

"I've just grown on him," I say. I should be glad about this revelation, but I'm not; for some reason I'm more scared than anything.

"Right," she says, and it's the first time I've heard her use sarcasm. Quieter, she adds, "I know he's afraid of love, because he never got it as a kid and he doesn't understand it. But he deserves it. Everyone does. Even people like your friend Larxene."

She's smiling and I realize she has a good sense of humor. That's good; I was starting to hate her, for some reason.

"Well, don't tell him. He'll punch my face in." What I mean is that he'll leave me.

"Couldn't possibly bear to have your looks marred by a little blood, huh?"

And I think she understands.

Roxas

I hate having to explain myself. Not because I think I shouldn't have to, but because I don't know how. But Kairi wants to know why I left the Islands, why I didn't stay in contact, why I came back after all this time.

"I forgot about you," I want to say. But even I know that's not the right thing to say.

So I compromise. "I needed to get my head in order."

She smiles at me, but it's not a happy smile. "And it's ordered now?"

I shake my head. "No, but Naminé said you were dying. I wanted to see you again before I lost the chance altogether."

The smile she gives me is more genuine, and I'm glad. It's always better when she smiles. "Well, I'm glad you came back."

"Me too," I say, and I mean it. I kind of want to give her a hug but I don't know how to start one with her, so I don't. It's a little weird to see them again because it's bringing up memories I didn't know I lost in the first place.

"Sora missed you too."

Why did she tell me that? I don't see the point. I couldn't go back and decide not to leave, even if I wanted to. I don't want to. I have Axel and Larx, and I think they kind of saved me from my numbers. I might have drowned in the endless waves and strings, but I didn't. I don't owe them my life, but I owe them my sanity.

"Oh."

She doesn't stop smiling, but it changes. I don't know what she's feeling, but I can tell it's not the same thing she was feeling before. "At first he tried to take over for you…be the brother Mom and Dad wouldn't let you be. He even dated Riku for a year, you know. But…it was always going to be me and Sora, I think. Riku and Naminé made up, and they became pretty good friends, and Sora…he wanted to save me, Roxas."

She's crying now. I hate it. She doesn't know that, though, and she continues. "Sora feels like he has to be everybody's hero, and I think…I think he's more of a hero than he realizes. Every time he makes Naminé smile, every time he jokes with Riku, every time he makes someone on the street a little happier…every time he kisses me…he's saving people. He just doesn't see that saving lives isn't as important, I think."

She laughs through her tears and I want to put my hand on her arm, but I don't because it scares me a little. So I smile, even though I have no idea what she's thinking or even getting at. She rubs her eye and says, "I went through chemo again when I was fourteen. I was upset about losing my hair, so he…he came over and told me to cut his hair. He'd been growing it out in a competition with Riku, and I was surprised. I asked him…" She sniffs. "I asked him if he was okay with losing the competition. He told me it was worth looking like a wimp in front of Riku, as long as he could match me. And I cut it. I shaved it all off. No one made fun of him except Riku, but we were expecting that and we just laughed. Sora's…Sora is my hero. But I'm glad you're back, because…sometimes I feel like he's the Samson to my Delilah and maybe he would-"

"He loves you," I say. I think she's surprised, but she shouldn't be; it's obvious to me. And when she smiles, I wish I could save her. She hugs me tight, and I don't pull away. I hug back, because it's the only thing I can do.