VI

Larxene

Naminé isn't as strange as I thought she was. She's still weird and small and terrifying, but I'm starting to understand her. I'm starting to get mad when she looks like she's making love to Aero because something that pure shouldn't ever be destroyed, especially like this.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering what it would be like – to make love, I mean. I don't know whether I want to do it with Roxas, or even Naminé herself, because when I try to imagine it, I only see blue and gold. Eyes and hair. And I know it's just me being a young woman starting a new phase in her life and all that hormonal shit.

That doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Roxas hasn't done anything about Marluxia, because Kairi's gotten sicker and sicker since we arrived. I was expecting it, but there's something unsettling about watching someone die like that. I killed my parents, but that was on my time. They died quickly and painfully and it made me happy. Kairi's death doesn't make me happy at all, and I think it's because it makes Naminé and Roxas sad, and by proxy, Axel sad. He likes to talk to Kairi sometimes – I don't know why, since I know he can't possibly be fond of her as a person.

So that's why I'm on my way to the nursery. I have no idea why this is such a big deal to me, since I don't know this prick and to be honest, I'm still not sure if I even like Naminé at all. I'm always wondering whether she really has any right to sit there, shaking like a leaf, scaring me half to death no matter what she does.

I hear a chime when I open the door, and the man who comes to greet me makes me stop walking. It isn't anything he's done, but he's very attractive and very big. Axel is probably taller, but Axel is also mostly shaped like an anorexic woman who gave birth to quintuplets last year. The florist is definitely a man, even though his pink hair makes me wonder if he's only checking out my tits to keep appearances.

"Hi," I say. "I'm looking for a guy. Marluxia."

He makes a weird face at me. It's not weird in that it looks weird; I've just never seen it before. It almost looks like he can't decide whether to be intrigued or disgusted or confused. Like I'm a puzzle he wants to solve. And I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing, so I just ignore it for now. I'll have plenty of time to think on it later.

"I'm not sure he'll be available today," he says, shrugging. "What do you want with him?"

I smile my best thunder smile. "Depends on who's asking. Don't want to spoil the surprise, now, do I?"

He smiles back; he has his own brand of thunder smile, which makes something in me shiver ecstatically. Roxas is dangerous, but unless you know him you don't know that. This guy could let you know in one look. "My name is Lumaria Bloom."

"Like that tells me anything," I say. "Other than your name, of course. And for the record, I hate it when people lie to me."

He doesn't look surprised at all. I wonder what's up with him. He just shrugs again and says, "So do I. Marluxia is my cousin. With which lovely lady am I speaking?"

He's charming in a different way than Axel, and I think I like it. "Larxene Andersen. I just got into town; I heard Marluxia is the best florist here, and that this nursery is the best place to buy exotic plants. Of course, I have a secondary motive, but as you're cousins, I can't tell you."

Lumaria smiles that scary smile again, and holds out his hand to shake. I notice that his nails, though slightly grimy beneath the tips, are well-kept and nice looking. In fact, he looks impeccably groomed all around, from his shoes to his wavy pink hair. When I shake, I can't help wondering again if this guy is into girls at all. It's hard to tell.

"Why don't we go to lunch? I can close the shop for an hour or so; Marluxia will be out of town for a few days, so he won't know. Perhaps eventually you'll tell me what you want with him."

"Are you asking me out on a date," I ask flatly. I think I might be attracted to this guy, but my heart – small and unused as it is – still belongs to Roxas. Always will belong to Roxas. I don't know if this makes me feel like I'm betraying him or not.

"Yes, I am. What is your answer?"

It's not like I'm going to sleep with him, anyway; and to be honest, Roxas isn't faithful to me. He doesn't know what I feel and he certainly doesn't return my feelings. So I say, "I'll go." I frown and add, "But I'm not telling you anything. It's between me, and Marluxia."

He shrugs delicately and turns away to wash and dry his hands. "Do you like Indian? There's a new restaurant called Agrabah Market, just down the street."

"I love Indian, but I don't get very many chances to eat it," I reply honestly.

"Then, shall we go?"

I take his arm, feeling slightly ridiculous, and I get the weird feeling like he's lying to me again. I know I should be on my guard, but there's something…strange about the way he speaks to me. It's almost like I can't help but trust him, and even though I know he could be a very frightening person, I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to smile back at him.

The place is pretty crowded, for the middle of the day. He orders nan and rose milk for both of us, and we observe other people. He's good at reading people, probably better than I am. A young woman is cheating on her husband at the table next to us, and the couple at the far end of the restaurant is a new partnership. A man sits alone in a shadowed corner, red roses on the plate across from him, picking at his food. He was either stood up or really doesn't want to be here.

Lumaria takes a finger and runs it along the edge of his hair, flicking it back. It doesn't do anything except make him look pompous, but I think he knows that.

Our waiter brings the food out, and I smile when I taste my curry. It's spicy and perfect in consistency. It could be spicier though and I regret ordering 'hot' instead of 'very hot.' Lumaria looks content with his 'medium' and spoons it over rice.

"That's really spicy enough for you," I question.

"I like to take care of my body," he replies carelessly, taking his first bite.

I roll my eyes and dip some nan into mine, because even though I love curry I'm not that fond of rice. We eat in silence, which I appreciate, because even though I'm not even close to being Miss Manners I don't like talking with my mouth full. It's disgusting.

It only takes us a few minutes to finish; luckily, this restaurant knows what 'small portions' means and I don't have to take any home. I pull my wallet out of the pocket of my jeans but Lumaria holds up a hand. "I'd like to pay for this; I asked you to accompany me, after all."

I shrug and put away my wallet. Hey – if he wants to give me a free meal, I'd be retarded not to accept. I'm not like most other girls, but in my opinion, that's a good thing. He smiles when I put my wallet away, and for some reason I feel like I've passed a test.

We pay the bill and finally, we leave the restaurant. He looks better in the dim light; I don't really know why, though. It's something about the bright sunlight that makes him almost…softer. I don't like soft. And I'm glad when we finally reach the nursery, because it's darker in there than it is outside.

"I liked the restaurant," I say.

"I did as well," he replies, giving me another pseudo thunder smile. "We should do it again, sometime."

I shrug, and when he stretches his arms above his head I can't help but admire the way he's built. His hair is slightly off-putting, but his chest is broad and his arms are strong. His eyes meet mine – they're some shade of bluish green I can't classify, and very intense – and he sticks his hand out again. "What do you say?"

I put my hand in his and we shake. "I think that's a great idea. When do you want to meet up again?"

"Why don't you come round here tomorrow, at six-thirty? We can have dinner together."

"Sounds great."

As I leave, I get the feeling that I just did something incredibly stupid, but I don't know why. It's not like he gives off 'murderer' vibes.

Actually…that's it. He doesn't give off any 'vibes' at all.

I want Roxas and Axel. Even Naminé. I want something familiar. Even if 'familiar' means 'really fucking terrifying.'

Axel

Larxene has been disappearing more and more often. I know she's not with Naminé, because she's been asking about Larx and I have to say 'I don't know' an awful lot. I know she's not trying to…get away from us, since every night she comes home and looks at Roxas the way she's always looked at him. Like she's in love with him. I didn't recognize it before – or I did, but I didn't want it to be true – but it can't be classified in any other way.

I kind of feel like I'm breaking into something I shouldn't. Larxene is a bitch, yeah, but she's my friend and I think she deserves happiness. She deserves Roxas. I don't want to think like that, but it's the truth – she deserves him more than I do.

Is that going to stop me? No, not really. I can be just as much of a bitch, when it comes down to it. I'm selfish and I go after what I want, which is Roxas right now. I don't want to screw her over but it sort of seems like she's doing that on her own.

"Larxene's gone again," I say. Roxas and Kairi look up; we're in Kairi's room, trying to distract her from the depression that comes along with knowing you'll be dead within six months. If I had to choose between dying quickly and dying slowly, I'd choose dying quickly. I'd rather be blown up at a very young age than feel myself die at fifty.

"She's been disappearing often lately," Kairi replies. Her voice is scratchy and I pass her a glass of water before I can even think about it. Things like that have become commonplace, recently.

"I miss her," Roxas says, and it startles both Kairi and me. Roxas isn't one for extra words and he never talks about how he feels. A sentiment like this must be pretty important, for him to vocalize it. I can feel myself getting upset already.

I can't quite keep the bitterness out of my voice when I say, "Why? It's not like she's leaving you. Maybe she's made friends here or something."

"Larx doesn't make friends," he replies, apparently not catching the bitterness – though I can tell his sister did. "I'm just used to having her around and it isn't complete without twelve."

This thing – this numbers thing – is something I've never been able to figure out. It's so goddamn weird that I don't know what to do with it. It's part of that section of his mind even Larxene can't break into.

Kairi seems to know whatever it is Roxas is talking about, though, because she smiles even though there is a waver in her voice when she says, "Oh, Roxas…I'll miss you when I'm dead."

Roxas accepts her sudden hug, but he doesn't return it. Instead, he looks – stunned. Like he can't move. Like because Kairi said it, there's no going back. She's going to die. And I know I have to make a decision. But I think I know what I was going to do all along; I was just too afraid to go through with it.

I guess that little exchange made me realize the gravity of this situation, too.

Larxene

It's been three weeks and Marluxia has yet to show up. By now, though, I'm pretty sure Lumaria is Marluxia – their names are so similar, and even though he told me their parents did that on purpose, there's a nagging at the back of my mind telling me to get rid of this guy.

But then, he's been nothing but charming since I met him. Very courteous, very appealing. And he's interesting. I can't really pinpoint the source of my distrust, but I don't really know what to do. It's not like he could ever do to me what he did to Naminé, if I'm correct.

And speaking of Naminé. She's so fucking unreadable. One minute she's all clingy like she can't get enough of me, and the next she's distant and scared of me. Can't she just make up her goddamn mind? And it doesn't help that three-fourths of the time, she's fucked up. She's almost as good as Roxas at hiding it, except Roxas doesn't hide it and it makes a huge difference. She seems so empty, even though she's all emotional.

I don't really know why that's such a big deal to me, though. It's not like she's actually important. She's Roxas' younger sister, an Aero addict, and I even found out she likes Aeroshots better. What. The. Fuck. By all rights, I should hate her. I guess it's because she is his sister.

And I can't make up my mind about him, either. At first I thought there was something between him and Axel, but now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong. I see the way they look at each other, but it's not…attraction. Or maybe it is. It's really confusing and I hate that.

"Penny for your thoughts," Lumaria says. We're at the Indian place again, and he brought me a white rose. There's the proof I needed.

"Right back atcha, Marluxia," I say. I don't mean for it to sound betrayed. But it does, and even I wonder why. It's not like he did anything to me; sure, he lied, but I lied too. It's even.

"I'm surprised you figured it out so soon." He doesn't even sound embarrassed or anything. That's either a point in his favor or proof of malicious intent, and it's infuriating, how I can't read him like I can read others. Maybe that's what draws me to him: I need to figure him out.

"It wasn't hard. I've been mulling it over for a while now, but you gave me proof with the flower."

"Really? How so?"

I hate that he's calm about this, especially since I know he wasn't expecting me to be looking for something. "I have an inside source. I heard you were an evil dick," I tell him bluntly.

"Oh, I am," he replies pleasantly, and suddenly I have that strange urge – the one where I want to stab someone. I can picture him covered in blood, and that…is a really good image. I think for a second that I'd like it as much as seeing Roxas covered in blood, but then I realize it's stupid. Roxas would look better, obviously.

"I figured as much. Why didn't you tell me at first, anyway? It's not like you have any use for me, except entertainment and possibly a good lay. If you're kinky enough to handle me."

"Oh, I am," he says again, making me want to kick his shins. Then, he says, "Of course, you're assuming I didn't lie to you because I thought you were attractive. That was my motive exactly. I knew, from your mannerisms that day, that if you knew who I was you wouldn't give me a chance."

Well, my bullshit-o-meter is going off like crazy right now, but I humor him. "Oh yeah? What did you want a chance to do?"

"Get to know you, of course. I find it bad taste to bed people I don't know."

For some reason the thought of having sex with him doesn't bother me. I've been so used to Roxas as my only partner that I usually have an aversion to other people, but Lumaria – Marluxia, rather – is different. Special, even. I can't tell whether I want to kill him or fuck him, and maybe that's the same feeling. Maybe killing is like sex. It's certainly as enjoyable – or at least, it was. I only killed two people, and they both deserved it.

"Well, now you know me."

I don't know what I've signed up for, but really, it doesn't matter right now. I warned him that I'm not exactly gentle when it comes to sex. And if he can't handle me, then – I guess that just means he's not the dangerous man they say he is. And I can leave him behind.

Roxas

There's been an anonymous donation of money for Kairi. I don't know where it came from, and I don't know why anyone would do that for her. It's not that she doesn't deserve it, but she's logically not important to society. She's one Island girl with a freak for a brother, an addict for a sister, and two younger siblings who don't even know she's dying.

Now we can afford to get her treated, properly. We aren't rich, and our parents weren't either, so they could never pay for everything. Which is probably why she keeps getting sick. I don't know anything about cancer and I don't understand why she keeps getting sad, but I do know that now we can hopefully help her. There isn't a cure for cancer but there is help. At least, that's what people say.

"I'm going to lose my hair again," Kairi says softly. She's not talking to me. I don't understand why it's a big deal to her; it's just hair, after all. She'll be just as pretty without it as she will with it.

Sora hugs her, gently, and I turn my face away because it seems too private for me to be looking. "Then you can cut mine again. Whatever happens, we're in this together, okay?"

I don't know how they can be so devoted to each other. When I was their age I'd already been living on my own for eight months and I couldn't stand to have attachments. I'm a different person but something is very…passionate about them. It's like they just know they want to be together no matter what.

I guess that's how I am with Axel. Larxene, too. But when Larxene disappears, I only miss her. I'm not sad. When Axel leaves, I am sad. I don't really understand where it comes from; I'm not losing him. He's just not beside me.

"I love you," she says quietly. "You'll come visit me, right?"

"Course I will," he replies, and I can tell he's smiling at her. He's probably holding her hands and hoping to cheer her up. "As much as possible. And I'll even pester the doctors to let you do outpatient!"

"They'll say no. But you can do that, if you want."

"Well, you never know until you try. Nothing's impossible! No matter what, Kairi, I'll always be with you, okay? No matter what."

Kairi laughs behind me, and when I glance at them she's smiling at him. Even from her place on the hospital bed, she's smiling and it's like she doesn't remember how awful chemo is. It's like she doesn't have cancer right now.

I don't get it at all. It makes me angry, almost. I don't understand how she can be so carefree about something that painful…something that could kill her instead of heal her. I don't understand why Sora smiles at her like that, or why she has a special smile for him. Axel gives me that look sometimes, but I don't understand his, either.

I see Larxene outside the door and I look at Kairi fully. "I'm going to tell Larx what's going on. Do you want me to come back later?"

"That's okay, Roxas," she says. I can't tell, but I think she might be sad. Maybe just tired; that wouldn't be surprising. "Visiting hours is almost over anyway. I start treatment tomorrow, though. Do you think you can visit me, if they'll let you?"

"Sure."

I leave the room, because something is making me uncomfortable. I don't know what it is, but I need to get away. It's something in my chest, rising like the sea at high tide. Or maybe like a tidal wave.

"Rox, there you are! Are you…crying?"

"Of course not." But I think I will be soon. I can feel something sting in my eyes, anyway, and my throat feels like it's swelling. Like strep throat without the headache, or like I tried and failed to swallow a ball.

"Okay, then." She rolls her eyes and turns, motioning for me to follow. "Let's get back, okay? Axel's waiting at the house, and he's shit at babysitting. Naminé's fucked up again, apparently. Probably because Kairi's here now."

That doesn't make sense to me – shouldn't she be happy that Kairi might get better? Naminé used to be the one I could relate with the most, but now it seems like she's somewhere else. Her mind is on another plane and I can't see it any more.

"Yeah, let's go."

I don't know why my voice is so scratchy, or why my throat is getting tighter and tighter. But it's a little hard to concentrate and I wish Larxene would say something. Anything. The silence is crushing me and I know when we get home she's going off to wherever she goes. I'm not sad she's leaving but I do wish I knew where she was going because if she leaves for good, I will be sad.

I find Axel in Kairi's empty room, sitting by the bed. He's frowning at the twins, Xion and Alice, but not in an angry way. In a confused way, like he doesn't understand something. But they're asleep, so it's not like they've done anything.

"Hey, Roxas," he says, and then he looks at me. "Oh, Christ…are you okay?"

"I'm fine." But I don't think I am. So I leave the room and find my old one, which only has a bed because my parents turned it into a guest room when I left. My eyes hurt and my cheeks are still wet, and my throat still feels like it's too tight.

Axel follows me, and as soon as he's sitting next to me I put my arms around him because I can't help it. I don't understand – my body is acting funny and this isn't crying. I cried for Demyx. I don't understand what this could be but it hurts my whole body; my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, and it feels like something's crawling through me.

I can hear something coming from my mouth, but none of it makes sense. I just know that my face is in his chest but because I'm so loud, I can't hear his heart. For some reason that makes my stomach hurt worse.

"Hey, hey, calm down," says Axel softly. He rubs the top of my head and my back, and for some reason that helps. I'm still shaking but he keeps rubbing and it's calming me down. It's like he knew that would help, and I wonder why.

I realize I am very close to him – I was aware of it before, but I didn't really know – and I sit up and push him away. My hands feel funny; they won't move. They're stuck with my thumbs nearly touching my palms and my fingers together and straight.

"My hands feel funny," I try to say, but my lips aren't working either and it just sounds like I'm making noise. I try to laugh but that doesn't come out right either.

So I push him down onto the pillow and put my ear on his chest, because right now that's the only thing that makes sense any more. His perfect heartbeat.