VII

Axel

I don't know why it makes me so mad that Larxene is obviously fucking someone. I know it's not Roxas, because he isn't fucking anyone. But she is. And I know it should be relieving to me, because that means she might be moving on, but instead it infuriates me. Because she's moving on. I don't see how she could possibly see anything in someone who isn't Roxas.

Maybe I'm just biased. I mean, that's probably a big part of it. But I was actually pretty sure she loved him. What happened? Why did she decide to move on, if she loves him?

Nothing makes sense to me any more.

There was a time, a couple of weeks ago – right after Kairi went into the hospital – that Roxas started crying. And it wasn't even just crying; he was sobbing like I've never even heard before. Funny thing is (well, it's more of a confusing irony than actual humor), he didn't even realize what was going on. He didn't know he was reacting so much. I know it's because Kairi might die, but I don't know how it could've just hit him. And he's not telling any time soon.

I'm a little upset with Naminé, too. She doesn't realize it, but she's destroying him. He said once, when we still lived in Traverse Town and he was on Ether, that he didn't understand the world. That he didn't understand people, or emotions, or even himself – but I can tell he was close to Naminé, at least when they were kids. That she is so messed up right now is messing him up. I don't think he knows it, but I can tell.

I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't changed during this whole moving process. Larx is distant, Roxas is unstable, Kairi's doing chemo, Naminé is out of her mind half the time and always scared of something she won't (or can't) talk about, and even Sora is subdued. When I first met him I thought he was incapable of being anything less than cheery – but sometimes he comes over and sits on Kairi's bed. He doesn't cry, but he looks like he would if he could.

I'm supposed to meet the mysterious Riku – he'll be here in a few minutes, so Roxas is setting the table for an extra person while I get everything off the stove – and it doesn't seem like Roxas likes him very much, but apparently he's a huge part of Kairi's life. Sora's, too. And apparently Naminé's.

"He's here," Roxas says quietly. "Sit next to me."

So I do. After the last dish is on the table, I sit next to him and even though he doesn't touch me (he usually doesn't), I can tell he's a little more stable in his mind. Maybe he's drawing strength from me or something – it's unlikely, but I kind of wish it was true. Just so I could be there, be his light for once. Reverse the situation.

And here come Riku and Sora. Fuck, but Riku looks like someone who just walked out of a teen pop magazine. And I don't mean looks – as far as attractiveness, he's average at best – but the pompous way he carries himself. The look on his face underneath his bangs. He's here only because he's 'gracing us with his presence.'

What could anyone see in this guy?

"Hello, Riku," Roxas says neutrally.

"Nice to see you again, Roxas." But he doesn't really mean it; I can tell. I hope Larxene gets here soon, because I really don't want to sit by Riku or Naminé, who just barely came through the door. At least she's not flying right now, though her eyes are red like she's been crying.

I know it's probably hard to see your other half – a twin, as opposed to a significant other – deteriorate like Kairi has been, but I think it would be more useful to be strong. Kairi would probably want her to flourish, not waste away. But hey, it's none of my business unless Roxas makes it his business.

"Riku," Naminé cries. She sounds glad to see him. Well, he did save her from that Marluxia guy, but he still looks arrogant. Even more arrogant than me; most of mine is a façade, anyway. I know I'm nothing special, but it's entertaining to pretend.

"Hey, Nami. How've you been?"

"Good; really good." Well, that's a lie. But hey. These days, most things are.

"I'm Axel. You must be Riku," I say, holding out my hand.

"Yes, Kairi told me about you."

He shakes my hand. I can't really tell by his tone what he thinks of me; it's very neutral. Maybe he doesn't think anything; maybe I'm too far below his notice to actually care about. Well, good. This way I can keep an eye on him.

"Kairi didn't mention you at all," I reply pleasantly. "Now, eat. I didn't cook this so you all could stare at it."

It's silent for now; and I'm glad. That means everyone is eating. There's only one thing I actually truly take pride in, and that's my cooking. I think it's probably because it took me so long to get over my fear of stoves, and because of that I have a lot of practice so I'm good. Really fucking awesome, to tell the absolute truth. I hate it when people don't enjoy my food; I'm not sure why, but it doesn't matter.

Naminé finishes first, after only eating a couple of bites. Apparently she hates eating. But I guess I kind of knew that, from Sora's story. Roxas finishes second; I was expecting that, too. He always eats the same things, and it's not very much.

I finish next, followed by Riku. Sora's not far behind. I don't know why it's so silent, but it's like there's an unspoken agreement between everyone that we won't talk until everyone's done. It's weird, but it's not like I'm complaining. This way we're done faster and we can leave each other's company. I want to be alone with Roxas, even if he doesn't acknowledge me. He often doesn't but I know that's just how he is with everyone.

Riku catches up with Roxas at the sink and says, quietly, "For what it's worth…I'm sorry. I was young and angry and stupid back then, and I didn't understand everything."

Roxas finishes rinsing off his dishes and replies, "I can't forgive you, especially now that I remember. But I'm not mad. Don't bring it up and we can move on."

Riku looks stunned, and I quickly rinse my plate before he can focus. I go after Roxas because he's the important one. Besides; Riku is Sora's friend, and whatever happened back there is something Sora probably knows about. They can talk it over or whatever, but my priority is Roxas.

"Hey," he says, surprising me. He's sitting on his bed, waiting for me, and I didn't think he'd actually initiate conversation after that.

"Hey."

"Larx didn't show."

I shrug. "Well, something probably came up. She has a job now."

Roxas only looks pensive but I think he was hurt that she didn't show up even though she promised she would.

"So, what happened back there with Riku?"

I don't think he'll answer me. But he does. "I didn't remember this before," he says slowly. "When I got here I started remembering things from that blank spot. He was there."

His eyes are becoming unfocused and I know he's starting to get confused. I almost want him to fly, just this once, so he can tell me. I could ask anyone, but for some reason I feel like it's important for him to tell me.

"What did he do?"

Roxas frowns, seemingly trying to collect his thoughts. "He blamed me when they first found out. Kairi. The window."

Riku blamed him for something, that's obvious. Probably Kairi's cancer, but that doesn't make any sense. If Kairi was eleven Riku would have been at least twelve, and that's old enough to understand that cancer is a disease no one can give you.

"Yeah, well, he looks like a moron to me." I don't know why I just said that, but it makes Roxas smile so it's all right.

"Me too."

We sit silently like we always do, side by side with him closest to the wall, but there's something different. A kind of thickness between us, something almost tangibly tense.

And suddenly he reaches over and pulls me to him and kisses me.

Roxas

There is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is; it's inside, buried beneath the graphs and charts and endless numbers, and I can't get to it. It's like a small person is in my stomach and chest, beating on my ribs, rattling the cage made of eights and thirteens and multiples of ten.

It's worse when Axel is around. It makes me very spontaneous, and sometimes I act on it. It's very hard to stop myself. I think it scares me, or it would if it could.

I don't know how long I kissed him, but the sun had completely set when I became aware of the situation. At one point I climbed on top of him, and I put my fingers on his neck and my left hand on his chest, so I could feel his pulse and the beating of his heart without leaving his lips.

But even though I really like kissing him, I hate it. It's getting out of control; I'm afraid he'll convince himself he's falling for me or even worse, I'll be able to accept the lie. He's not like Larxene; he's more delicate. He's stronger, too, even though I don't know how it's possible. He's the person I tried so hard not to ruin…the person I tried so hard to protect. And I messed it up because I forgot to scratch the feeling off my skin.

Which is why I'm in the shower right now, scratching, biting, anything. I need to get rid of the feeling, get rid of the problem. I don't understand how just looking at him, just feeling him, could make me like this.

When I have sex with someone, they have to work me up beforehand. Usually by dancing, because dancing is a precursor to sex. I have to try hard to get myself in this state, because if I don't, I can't do the things I understand. Physical things. Larxene can do it by hurting me, by biting me, by cutting me, but even she can't do it completely. And now, just pressing our bodies together made me this way.

It's bringing up other things, other thoughts, I didn't know were possible. I want him. I can't have sex with him, but I want him. I don't know if it's because he's perfect, or simply because he's Axel, but I do know that every time I fall asleep with my ear on his chest, I am calm. I am relaxed. The numbers in my head are drowned out.

More blood is running down the drain than usual. It's different; I can tell it's red, instead of the pink color I get. The water is turning cold and now I'm not in the state Axel caused, but I can't stop scratching. My nails and my teeth are digging in, and it's like every drop of blood is carrying a little bit of feeling, so it's almost gone.

But I'm cold and kind of dizzy and I should probably get out. I'm having trouble, but I don't know why. Am I not eating enough? I've eaten the same things every day for a long time, so that can't be it. Maybe it was the heat of the shower. Now that I'm out, and drying off with a towel, it should get better.

It's hard to put on my clean clothes but I know if I fall asleep on the floor I'll wake up sore, so I need to do it. I can't show my body to Axel. I've never shown it to anyone, except the researcher who checked up on me during that blank period.

I didn't like his tests – the scans, the monitors, the shake of his head when he told them there was no hope of 'recovery' from whatever they thought I had – and I didn't like the way he looked at the scar-lines on my body. Like I'm stupid, like they don't need to be there. Like I'm a freak – I am, but he made it clear that he thought so.

It was his fault, too. If he hadn't started the project, his apprentice wouldn't have taken it farther. Maybe I would be normal; maybe I would be able to be loved by someone. By Axel. Maybe I would deserve him then, but I don't and I want to leave. I want to go away, disappear, fly away and let him move on to better things.

I'm tired, and I don't know why. Maybe after I sleep – after I make it to my bed (it seems so far away right now) – I can decide how to get away from him. I can move, I can change my name. But Kairi –

"Roxas, what – oh, Christ, what the hell…"

That's Axel's voice. He's nearby. I think he's angry at me, but I don't know why. Is it because he saw my problem before? Is he disgusted? I can't tell. I'm just really tired.

"Hang on, I'm gonna patch this up and get you to the doctor…oh, hell, what the fuck did you do to yourself?"

I reach up. I want to tell him not to worry. I'm just tired; I'll wake up in a few hours and I'll be fine. It's not like I'm dying or anything. I'm a freak, but I don't want to die. I want to live until I can find a way to be normal.

After I sleep.

Axel

I'm not stupid. I know I act like it sometimes, but I'm not. So I know that Roxas, even though he almost died from blood loss, is not suicidal. But no one believes me. Not even Larxene. I've never seen her so angry, ever.

"What the hell did you do to him, Axel? How did you set him off, anyway?"

She thinks it's my fault. "I didn't do anything. He didn't try to kill himself!"

"How do you know? How the fuck could you know?"

"Because I just do, okay? I know more than you think I do. Hell, I know more than you could ever know, because you're gone all the time! I thought you loved him, Larxene. I really did. But now you don't even trust him."

I can tell I struck a nerve but I can't bring myself to care. She doesn't understand but maybe she would, if she paid an iota of attention any more.

"You didn't even come to dinner tonight," I say, quieter. "Even though you promised, you didn't come. Can you blame him if he doesn't confide in you?"

I see something I never thought I'd see: Larxene is crying. She isn't making any noise, but she's shaking and tears are starting to run down her cheeks. This Larxene scares me more than she ever could being violent.

"Is it my fault," she whispers, and the soft sounds hurts. "Is he upset that I didn't come?"

Suddenly I feel bad for yelling at her. I don't think Roxas would have wanted me to do that. So I pat her back a little, leaning over the arm of my uncomfortable waiting-room chair and say, "It's really not like that. He's always done this – ripping his arms up. I never understood it, but he never tried to kill himself. It was his way of dealing with whatever block he has in his head that makes him unable to communicate, I think. I didn't tell you because I found out by accident, and I figured he didn't want either of us to know."

"That was stupid."

"Maybe. But in the end, everything I do is for him. So maybe I am stupid."

She looks up – quickly, but not sharply. "You love him, don't you?"

"Yeah," I reply, because I can't lie about it any more. It's insulting, to her and to him.

"Figures." She sounds bitter. "I love him too. But I'm not the one he can love. He told me, once – when he was on Ether – that he could maybe love me someday. I wanted that, so bad…I wanted that hope. But everything's all so messed up now…I wish we had never come here. I hate it here. We try to fit in, but we don't belong. You and I don't belong here. Hell, even Roxas doesn't belong here, and this is where he was born. I hate Kairi for being sick. I hate Naminé for finding him. I hate Marluxia for driving her away from home. I hate you for being you. I hate everything."

Now she's not crying any more, but she doesn't sound very angry. I can't figure her out right now. She's not herself right now. She was always unshakeable, at least on the outside. And now she's unpredictable, unstable, not herself.

"Sucks, doesn't it? Not being able to see him?"

"Yeah."

I don't think any more needs to be said until the doctor gets out here. Hopefully we can reason with him. Hopefully Roxas can explain himself. I don't know everything, but I know – I don't know why, but I just know – that this wasn't a suicide attempt.

But maybe he needed to get rid of me.

Larxene

Before we came to Destiny Islands, everything was so easy. Everything was routine, circular; we had a pattern, and it was just the three of us. I think eventually I would have been okay, if Roxas had chosen Axel over me. Not right away. I probably would have attacked at least Axel, because sometimes that fantasizing part of me takes over. But I think eventually it would have settled.

Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

But I hate this place. It's full of memories I don't have, full of enemies I don't have. This is where Roxas' life got fucked up. Naminé told me his parents told him he wasn't worthy of love…that it was something he could never understand, but he wasn't quite human. I almost punched her, but I know it wasn't her fault. That doesn't mean I didn't want to.

Maybe it's just that everything's out of control. I'm losing Roxas, I'm losing Axel. I can't tell anyone about Marluxia, because he's the reason Naminé is so fucked up. I can't tell Marluxia about Naminé, or he'll think I'm planning to get some sort of revenge. It was supposed to be like that at first, but it changed along the way.

We've only been here for a little less than three months and already everything's gone to hell. And maybe…maybe I'm not losing everyone.

Maybe I'm just losing myself. I feel like…no matter what, I'm alone. Roxas and Axel, Naminé and her Aero and her fear, Marluxia and his goddamn mystery…I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I want to fucking kill something.

"Penny for your thoughts," Marluxia says, like he always does. I usually find it charming. Today I want to punch him in the face.

"Go to hell," I tell him, and then I do.

He lets me go, holding his nose, but before I leave I see something. An admiration. But it looks forced, and again, I'm reminded that everything's out of control.

Damn it.