VIII

Axel

I thought it would be hard to convince the doctors that Roxas isn't suicidal, but it was easier than expected. They talked to Roxas first, and then they talked to me. They didn't talk to anyone else, surprisingly, but somehow our combined stories (true stories) convinced them. Roxas simply said his skin itched too much for him to stop, and they did a drug test. Since it came out negative, they had to let him go. He told them it happens sometimes, when there's something wrong with the air. I don't think that's it, but I think it might be something similar.

They 'recommended' a therapist, but I know Roxas won't even bother. How could he? He can't even articulate his thoughts to his closest friends half the time. And it's not that he won't; he actually can't.

Christ. Half the time I want to touch him all over, kiss him, make love to him – and the other half I think he's too delicate to touch. He's not. He's actually the strongest person I know, physically. But sometimes I think maybe he avoids physical contact because it hurts him, or breaks him, in an emotional way.

And then there's this business with Larxene that's driving me up the wall. She's always been unpredictable but now in addition to that she's unstable. Half the time she's gone, and the other half she's irritable and violent and even punched me in the face the other day. She hasn't done that since our early days of acquaintanceship.

But she is doing one good thing, even if it's for the wrong reasons. She's basically put Naminé on house arrest; she gets so angry if Naminé leaves that she doesn't do it very often. I think she thinks the Aero will stop. But I know better; Naminé's too far gone to actually stop without help. Aero is nasty shit. I don't think even Roxas has ever done it.

At least she's hurting herself at home, instead of somewhere else. At least if she goes too far, someone will find her. I think if I was a better person I would call her incredibly selfish, but I'm not a better person.

Everything is crashing down on us, and it all started when Naminé passed out on Larxene. If things were different – if we hadn't been at that club, if Larxene hadn't been so nice that day – we'd still be Us, the three of us, and none of this would have happened.

God, I hate it here.

Roxas

They assumed I tried to kill myself. They said my wrists were cut open. But that never happened; I fell asleep after my shower and that's the last thing I can remember before waking up in the hospital. I think I might be upset, but that's all gone again. It's that empty/too full feeling again. I don't know if I really like that feeling, but it's much better than when my hands got stuck in one position.

I think Axel saved me. From the doctors. It was nice of him, but I don't understand why. I thought he was angry with me. At least, that's what it sounded like when I last heard him before I fell asleep.

Naminé wants to talk to me. I wasn't sure I would go to her, but I think it's something I should have done a while ago; I think maybe I should spend some time with her. She is my sister still.

"Hey, Naminé," I say. I sit down on her bed beside her; she's lying on her side and staring at nothing. She looks tired.

"Hey, Roxas. How are you holding up?"

"Fine."

"Yeah…me too."

For some reason, I feel like she's lying to me. I don't know what reason she would have to lie – I'm her brother, and it's not like it's bad to be sad or something – but she doesn't sound right.

"That's good."

She sits up a little, propping on her elbow, and says, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want an honest answer. Okay? I'm not going to be upset or hurt you or even tell anyone, but I really do want an honest answer."

I really don't know what she's talking about, but I say, "Okay." It's not like lying does any good anyway.

"Did you really try to kill yourself?"

This makes me laugh a little. "Of course not."

Something breaks inside her, a wall of some kind. I can tell. She starts crying, but she doesn't look sad. She sits up all the way and pulls her knees to her chest and whispers, "I'm so glad. I don't think…if something happens to Kairi, I…promise me you'll live, okay? Live as long as you can."

"Uh…I promise?"

It's a question because I don't really understand what she's talking about. I don't understand why she's crying, and I don't understand why she needs me to live. I know I'm far from stupid, but it's this stuff – emotional stuff – that I can't seem to grasp.

The twins scurry in and suddenly I feel something. I don't know what it is – everything is mixed together, like someone shook me or put me in a blender before dumping all of the feelings in me, filling me too full to feel them properly – but it's not very nice.

They're three years old and I just met them when I got here.

"Hi, Woxas," says the blonde. Alice. She seems to like everyone. She sometimes has temper tantrums, when she doesn't understand something or when she gets scared, but she is a very curious kid.

I reply, "Hi there."

Then of course Xion has to say something, because she likes to copy people. She's the one who likes me more, even though I don't know why she would. "Good day!"

"It is?" I didn't mean to say that, but it just came out and now Xion is looking very thoughtful, like her answer is very important.

"Yes," she finally answers. "Very good."

She speaks better than Alice does, but she isn't as adventurous. Alice likes to go exploring around the house, getting frustrated when she's too small to reach something, but Xion likes to hide. She likes to run to a closet or get under a bed and hope no one finds her. I don't know why she does it; it doesn't make a lot of sense.

But then, I don't make sense either and Naminé doesn't, and maybe Kairi is the only one in our family who's allowed to make sense. She's real. Maybe Alice is too, but she's too young to tell.

It's strange that after waking up in the hospital it's easier for me to understand things. I don't know what happened, but I think I'm glad it did.

Except now I can tell I miss Larxene a lot. She isn't around much any more, and when she is she's always very angry. She throws things or hits Axel (never me, though I don't know why). She has stopped sleeping with me, and it's frustrating because I don't know why and I don't know how to ask why.

"You okay, Roxas?" Naminé looks like she's going to touch my arm, or at least she's thinking about it, so I nod very quickly. I don't want her to touch me. I'm not…I'm not ready? I don't know what it is. But the only one I really feel comfortable touching so casually is Axel.

"Roxas, Roxas! Come and look at what we made," Xion suddenly shouts, and I think that's why they're in here in the first place.

I stand up and look at Naminé, who nods at me. And I follow Xion (and Alice) down the hall and into my old room – my room still, I suppose.

There's something on the bed. I can't see it from the doorway because the bed is at a weird angle right now, but it's red and yellow and black and looks like clay. I go closer and I'm almost surprised when I see it.

Xion and Alice have made some kind of statue, probably with clay or that homemade play-dough Naminé knows how to make. I think it's supposed to be six people holding hands; there's Axel on the far left, and then me, and then Xion, and then Naminé, and then Kairi, and then Alice. I don't know why Axel is there; he's not part of our family. And I don't know why Larxene isn't there; she's just as close to me as he is.

Except she's not, any more.

Xion proudly points out the lumps of clay with different colored hair and tells me who they are.

"This is Alice. This is Aunt Kairi, Aunt Naminé, and here's me! And then you, and Aunt Axel."

This makes me laugh, and not just because Xion apparently thinks Axel is a woman. I also don't know why he calls them 'Aunt Kairi' and 'Aunt Naminé,' but for some reason it makes me laugh.

She folds her arms and sticks her lips out. "Don't laugh at me!"

"I'm not," I say. "But Axel is Uncle Axel, not Aunt Axel."

She only smiles and shakes her head. "You're Uncle Roxas. So Axel has to be Aunt Axel, because you're married, right?"

"No," I say, and I don't know why she would think that. Axel is…Axel. He's the special one. And I can't marry him. I can't marry anyone, but especially him. Because he's the special one.

"Oh." She sounds sad, like she's disappointed. "Well, he's still Aunt Axel."

It makes me laugh again, but now it's because I don't know what to think.

Larxene

It's very possible that I hate Marluxia.

Really.

I can't stand certain things he does. For example, he calls me His Gardenia. Like, I can practically hear the capitals in his voice. Fucker thinks I belong to him. Like I'll follow his orders or some shit like that.

Yeah, he's charming. And he's good-looking. And – I'm not gonna lie here – he's really, really good in bed. But I guess I can sort of see how he'd scare the shit out of someone like Naminé. That smile, his version of a thunder smile (I call his the Venus flytrap, since he's all into plants and shit), is scary as hell.

But I'm not a weak little pushover. Lately it's been a power struggle between me and him, a fight for dominance I'm honestly not interested in any more. He's too damn sneaky for his own good, and sometimes I think I should stick around and figure out his little secret. Then I'll turn it on him.

But I'm not Axel. He's better at that kind of stuff. I can get into people's heads, yeah. But Axel can turn people against themselves without leaving any trace. It's fucking awesome.

I've been a bitch to him lately, but I can't really…help it. I'm an angry person naturally – I was probably born angry. And when I get angry, I tend to take it out on the people I think are strong enough to handle it. So it's kind of like a compliment, in a way. But I'd never tell him that. Not in a million years. His head's big enough as it is.

But right now…right now I shouldn't be thinking any of this. I should be focusing on what's important, which is Roxas. Roxas is sitting beside me on the couch, watching the credits go by even though he's not really watching.

I need to say something, to maybe apologize for disappearing and being a bitch and sort of abandoning him lately. I mean, he has Axel. But we were friends before he met Axel, and maybe it isn't fair. To me or to him. I fucking hate Axel sometimes.

"How's your sister?" Not what I meant to say, but I guess its okay for now. He'll never tell me if he's mad, anyway. He doesn't ever tell anyone. Sometimes I think he doesn't even know.

"In her room and miserable. You know that."

Yeah, I do. I do know that. I'm the one making her stay there. I really don't know why; it's not like she's that important. She's fucking scary and a drug addict and so pure I can't stand it. I hate her, but I keep taking care of her like I'm just a normal girl. Like I have a crush on her or something. But what the hell? I don't get crushes, and I especially wouldn't have one on someone like her. Stupid fairy-princess with stupid Pixie Dust isn't exactly my cup of tea. Really. I really fucking hate her sometimes. Maybe even all the time.

"I meant your other sister."

He scowls. He does that a lot. I don't know why, because I think half the time he doesn't even mean to, like he isn't actually upset. But whatever. "Sick."

"I know," I say, and I think for the first time in my life that it's a little irritating to have a conversation with him. I've been in love with the guy for so long that maybe I forgot he's not perfect. He's a guy. And I wonder briefly why it took me this long to realize that.

"I mean, how is she doing? Did the treatments help? Is she going to live?"

"I don't know!"

Well. Whoa. He's never shouted like that before. Not at me, anyway. He can have a bit of a temper but usually he's pretty quiet. "Well, sorry for asking. What'd I do to you? Christ, Roxas."

He looks at the couch beside him. By now I know that means he's feeling bad about something. Probably how he reacted. He takes a breath and then releases it, like he's trying to figure out what to say. And suddenly I feel a little flattered, because he's actually making an effort to communicate.

Finally he takes another breath. "I don't understand it. The doctors speak, but it's…not. I can't make sense. It doesn't. I want her to live, though. Really bad."

I never realized it until now, but he's…kind of a vulnerable person when he doesn't have control. He's so good at hiding it (or maybe he just honestly doesn't know about it), and I wonder why I never saw it. I'm usually really good with that kind of thing. Maybe I'm just blind when it comes to him. Or maybe I'm losing my touch. I mean, Marluxia…

"Then I guess I want her to live too."

That's not really true. I couldn't care less if she lives or dies, but I don't think I could stand to see Roxas break down. It would be fucking terrifying, even more terrifying than Naminé.

He laughs. "Good."

And I laugh too, even though I don't think this is so funny. He's such a weirdo. He says shit I don't understand, does shit I don't understand, and I keep wondering – lately – what made me fall in love with him in the first place. I still love him, but now I just don't know why.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just because he's really fucking good in bed, but obviously it isn't that. Because I know love is not sex, love can never be sex because love makes you stupid and can even destroy you, but sex just feels good.

I bet that's part of why I never noticed this stuff before, though. He's got this way of sucking me in, just by doing certain things to me. I don't think he knows that. But now that we're not sleeping together, now that we're not fucking…

It's different.

"Anyway," I say, trying to change the subject before I can freak myself out, "I was thinking…maybe we should go do something. You, me, and Axel. Like old times." Actually, I wasn't thinking that at all but now that I think about it, that sounds really awesome.

"Yeah."

He looks up – almost at me, right below my eyes, at my lips or my neck. He's not meeting my eyes but it's the most seductive look I think he's ever given me and suddenly I feel like jumping him right here and now.

But I don't. I mean, how could I? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go for that.

Then he says, "I miss you."

And my self-control, what little I had, snaps.

I jump on him, push him down, scratch my nails on his chest under his shirt like he likes. I'm half-expecting him to push me off, push me away. But he doesn't. Instead he smiles like I haven't seen him do in a while and starts touching me everywhere. He knows how to drive me crazy.

It's harder to get him going this time, but it's not like I mind. He's hot and fantastic and this is why I had a hard time fucking Marluxia the first time. I never thought he could possibly compare to Roxas.

And I think – it's hard now, and I should stop – I was right.

Axel

I really don't understand Larxene at all. This morning she fucked Roxas – there's no hiding it, ever – but I don't know why. I can tell things aredifferent, and I wonder if maybe she's saying goodbye, or getting closure, or…something.

It's crazy.

But so is she, so I'm not too terribly surprised. Just a little mad. I know she knows it's changed between me and Roxas. There's something there that wasn't there before.

I think she doesn't care, though. She's a selfish person. I'm not any different that way, but fuck. I wish she was, sometimes. I wish for once she could step back and say 'holy shit, look!' Maybe I'm just doing the same thing. She's loved him for almost as long as I have – all it really took was two and a half months of knowing him for me to be completely head over heels – and I never stepped away.

But it's me, this time. I'm a selfish person, too. And I never thought it would come to this, us fighting over Roxas, because Roxas is part of the Us that we are. Roxas, Larxene, and Axel. The Three Dysfunctional Musketeers. But I'll fight her. I'll do it, if it means I can be free to love Roxas.

I would ask him. I would ask him what he wanted, except if I did, he'd leave us both. Me and Larxene. And neither of us could take it. I'm angry at her and sometimes I think I hate her, but I'm not that cold. A little heartless, but not cold. I wouldn't do that to her, even if it wouldn't happen to me.

But right now I have to sit here and watch Roxas pick at the scabs on his arms. "Don't do that," I say, even though I figure he won't listen.

"Why?"

"Because it's…bad for you. Your stitches are there for a reason."

For some reason, he…stops. Pulls his sleeves completely over his hands. He looks at me – in the eyes, and I feel like he's drowning me or maybe saving me from drowning – and nods. "Okay."

Something is going right, I think. Something's going right for me.